[Charlie is in his bedroom with a girl. She holds up a very slinky outfit.]
Girl: So, what do you think?
Charlie: Wow. It’s for you, right?
Girl: It’s for both of us. Don’t go away. [She goes into the bathroom.]
Charlie: Don’t worry. There’s not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.
[The phone rings. Charlie kicks off his shoes, and starts taking off his pants.]
Machine: Hey, it’s Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Rose: [on machine] Listen, you lousy S.O.B. I will not be treated like this.
[Charlie runs to get to the machine but is trapped by his pants round his ankles and falls over.]
Rose: [on machine] Either you call me, or you are gonna be very, very sorry.
[The girl in the apartment comes out of the bathroom.]
Rose: [on machine] I love you, Monkey Man.
Girl: Charlie? [He appears from the floor.] Who was that?
Charlie: Damn telemarketers.
Girl: A telemarketer who calls you Monkey Man?
Charlie: I’m on some weird list. Okay, it’s a woman I went out with once and she got a little clingy.
Girl: You are a bad, bad boy.
Charlie: And yet, you’re always the one getting spanked.
[She goes back into the bathroom. The phone rings again.]
Charlie: Jeez.
Machine: Hey, it’s Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep.
Alan: [on machine] Charlie, it’s Alan. Your brother. No big deal, just wanted to touch base. My wife threw me out and I’m kinda losing the will to live. So, when you get a chance, I’d really love to… I don’t know…
Charlie: [picks up the phone] Oh hey, Alan, I’m sorry to hear about that.
[The girl emerges from the bathroom.]
Charlie: [on phone] So, where you gonna go, to a hotel or… [to girl] Wow! [on phone] Huh? Well, yea, I guess you could stay here. Okay, I’ll see you when you get here. [hangs up. To Girl] We better hurry.
[They run to the bed and start to make out. The bedroom door opens and Alan peers round, closing his mobile phone. Charlie looks up – angry.]
Alan: Oh, is she staying over? Because I may have parked behind her.
-------------------------------------
[In the living room. Charlie is sitting on the sofa drinking wine. Alan is pacing.]
Alan: Twelve years, and she just throws me out. I mean, what was the point of our wedding vows? You know, till death do us part. Who died? Not me. Not her.
Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock, only works if it’s among other rocks. Not sitting on your welcome mat.
Charlie: Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, it’s impossible to find when you’re drunk.
Alan: You know, I’m a good husband. I’m faithful.
Charlie: Is she?
Alan: Is she what?
Charlie: Faithful.
Alan: [makes a kind of choking noise] Don’t be ridiculous. Judith doesn’t even like sex. I mean, all she kept saying was she felt suffocated, you know? She kept going on and on, “I’m suffocating”, “I’m suffocating”. What does that mean, you know? Has a woman ever said that to you?
Charlie: Well, yea, but not a woman who doesn’t like sex.
Alan: And Jake, this could just destroy Jake.
Charlie: Jake?
Alan: My son.
Charlie: Oh, yea, teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days.
Alan: He’s 10.
[The girl comes down the stairs, she has got dressed and put her coat on.]
Girl: Charlie, I’m going to go.
Charlie: Oh no.
Girl: You two need to talk. I’ll call you tomorrow. I’m sorry to hear about you and your wife.
Charlie: Oh come on, you leaving isn’t going to bring them back together again.
[She blows him a kiss and shuts the door. Charlie looks round at Alan, mad.]
Alan: Look, this is just until things settle out, okay? A couple of days, max. She will come to her senses.
Charlie: Yea, that’s what women do. Look, you can have the guest room. I’ll grab some sheets.
Alan: That’s okay, I brought my own.
Charlie: You brought your own sheets?
Alan: I like my sheets.
Charlie: Okay then, good night.
Alan: No, no, wait, wait. Charlie, I mean, we hardly ever talk to each other.
Charlie: What do you want to talk about Alan?
Alan: I don’t know. Uh, I was named Chiropractor of the Year by the San Fernando Valley Chiropractic Association.
Charlie: Okay then, good night.
Alan: No. Charlie, what about you? What’s going on with you?
Charlie: Well, Alan, there’s not much to say. I make a lot of money for doing very little work. I sleep with beautiful women who don’t ask about my feelings. I drive a Jag, I live at the beach… and sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all, I like to make myself a big pitcher of margaritas and take a nap out on the sundeck.
Alan: Huh. Okay then, good night Charlie.
Charlie: Good night.
[Alan goes to his room, Charlie switches out the light and goes up the stairs. We pan across to the deck, where Rose has appeared against the window.]
Rose: Goodnight Monkey Man.
----------------------------------
[It’s morning. Charlie is asleep. He opens his eyes and a little boy comes into focus in front of him. It is Jake.]
Jake: Boy, is your eye red.
Charlie: You should see it from in here. What are you doing here Jake?
Jake: My mom brought me. Will you take me swimming in the ocean?
Charlie: Can we talk about it after my head stops exploding?
Jake: Why is your head exploding?
Charlie: Well, I drank a little too much wine last night.
Jake: If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?
Charlie: Nobody likes a wiseass Jake.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said “ass”.
Charlie: Tell you what, here’s twenty. [Gives Jake the note] That should cover me until lunch.
[Cut to Judith and Alan in the living room. Judith is perched on the sofa, and Alan on the coffee table.]
Alan: Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list. On one side, put what you don’t like about our marriage and on the other side, what you do.
Judith: Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, I start crying in my car.
Alan: Okay, that would probably go on the “don’t” side.
[Charlie and Jake come down the stairs.]
Charlie: Why would I lie? The ocean is closed today.
Judith: For God’s sake Charlie, do you think you could put some pants on?
Charlie: Look at me, Judy, I could barely make it down the stairs.
Alan: Uh, Charlie, could you and Jake, uh… [gestures towards the kitchen]
Charlie: Yea, come on kid, we’ll have breakfast out on the deck.
Jake: I already had breakfast.
Charlie: Okay, we’ll have lunch.
Jake: It’s not lunchtime.
[Charlie indicates to Alan his head exploding.]
Jake: That’s his head exploding.
[They go into the kitchen.]
Alan: Judith, I can change.
Judith: Oh please, Alan. You are the most rigid, inflexible, obsessive, anal-retentive man I’ve ever met.
Alan: Rigid and inflexible. Don’t you think that’s a little redundant?
[Cut to Charlie and Jake out on the deck sitting in the sunloungers. Charlie has sunglasses on and is mixing a drink. Jake watches him.]
Jake: My mom and dad are splitting up.
Charlie: Yea, it looks that way. You’re lucky. When I was your age, I could only dream about my parents splitting up.
Jake: Your mom is my grandma.
Charlie: Yep.
Jake: Grandma says you’re a bitter disappointment.
[Charlie looks mad. Alan comes out.]
Alan: Hey sport, your mom wants to say goodbye. [Jake runs inside] Uh listen, he doesn’t know anything about what’s going on, so let’s just keep this to ourselves.
Charlie: Our little secret. Why is she saying goodbye to him?
Alan: Oh, well, she’s going to be spending the weekend with her sister, in Vegas. So, we decided that Jake would stay with me.
Charlie: With you?
Alan: Well, with us.
[Jake comes out again.]
Jake: I’m hungry.
Alan: [to Charlie] Is this going to be a problem.
[Charlie looks at Jake who puts on a sweet, innocent smile.]
Charlie: I guess not.
Alan: Thanks. Uh, hey, listen, I’ve got to call my office. Would you mind making him lunch?
[Charlie looks at Jake again who pulls the smile… again.]
Charlie: Sure.
Alan: Thanks. [He goes back inside.]
Charlie: What are you smiling about?
Jake: You don’t have any food.
Charlie: Yea, but I’m not the one who’s hungry. Who’s smiling now, shorty?
---------------------------------
[At the supermarket. Charlie is pushing a trolley, Jake walks along beside.]
Charlie: You drink milk?
Jake: Just with cereal.
Charlie: Okay. [Grabs a milk off the shelf.]
Jake: Not that milk. [points] That milk.
Charlie: What’s the difference?
Jake: That’s Dairy Farm, we drink Dairy Barn.
Charlie: Fine. [switches the milks] Happy?
Jake: Why would I be happy? It’s just milk.
Charlie: Cute. Keep it up, you’ll be on one of the cartons. [They go round to the next aisle.] Okay, cereal. We got Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes and Maple Loops.
Jake: I want Maple Loops. [Sings] It’s got oats and corn and wheat, it’s the sweetest breakfast treat… [Charlie joins in]
Both: It’s maple, maple, maple-icious.
Charlie: You know who wrote that song? Your Uncle Charlie wrote that.
Jake: No lie?
Charlie: Kid, if I was going to lie, I’d say I wrote Stairway to Heaven, not the Maple Loop song.
[An attractive woman pushes her cart opposite them.]
Woman: You two are really good together.
Charlie: Thank you.
Woman: So, does your wife sing too?
Charlie: No, I’m not married.
Woman: Oh, what a shame. [She continues on her way.]
Charlie: Wow, you’re even better than a dog!
---------------------------------------------
[Alan is back at the house, on the phone.]
Alan: [on phone] Dr Bloom? Yes, yes, this is Alan Harper. Yes, my wife and I need to cancel our marriage counselling appointment for this afternoon…
[Rose is climbing up onto the decking outside.]
Alan: [on phone] Yes, well, something came up. Well, it’s kind of personal, I mean… Well, yeah, I know the point of these things is to…
[Rose knocks on the window.]
Alan: [on phone] I’ve got to go. [hangs up] Um, hello?
Rose: Is Charlie home?
Alan: No, I’m Charlie’s brother. Can I help you?
Rose: Oh, hi Charlie’s brother. I’m Rose. I’m Charlie’s housekeeper. [obviously lying]
Alan: So, you’re a housekeeper?
Rose: Oh, housekeeper/actress/hand model. [waves her hand at Alan] I just do this to keep the wolf from the door. [Growls – Alan looks scared.] You know what I mean?
Alan: Sure, sure, come on in.
Rose: [to herself] Oh, yea, I can smell him. [takes deep breaths]
Alan: Smell who?
Rose: Your brother. He has a very musky scent.
Alan: Uh-huh. Well, I’ll just uh… let you get to work.
Rose: Oh, wait. [She smells Alan.] Oh, no, it’s okay.
[Cut to Charlie and Jake entering the kitchen laden down with brown shopping bags. Jake is still singing.]
Jake: [sings] It’s got oats and corn and wheat, it’s the sweetest breakfast treat, it’s maple, maple, maaaa…
Charlie: Jake, buddy, take a break.
Alan: What, er, what took you so long?
Jake: We stopped for ice cream because I’m a babe magnet. Got to take a squirt.
[He runs off. Alan glares at Charlie.]
Charlie: Why do you assume he learned that from me?
Alan: Because I learned it from you.
Charlie: Hey, thanks for cleaning up.
Alan: Oh, it wasn’t me. Rose was here.
Charlie: Rose? You let Rose into my house?
Alan: She said she was your maid.
[Charlie goes to his kitchen cupboards and tries to pull the doors open. They are stuck.]
Charlie: Oh hell, she glued the damn cabinets shut again.
Alan: Again? You’ve got somebody who comes in regularly to glue your cabinets?
Charlie: You’ve met some of the whack jobs I’ve gone out with, it’s not that big a stretch.
Alan: So, this is my fault?
Charlie: Who let her in?
Alan: You are a deeply disturbed man, you know? Move it, move it. Come on. [Starts trying to open the cupboards.]
Charlie: Oh, I’m deeply disturbed? Who showed up here in the middle of the night with his own sheets?
Alan: [puts a foot on the counter to give him more leverage] Hey at least, I care what I sleep on. Or should I say, who I sleep on.
Charlie: Hey pal, of the two of us… I’ll bet I’m the only one who’s slept with a married woman recently.
Evelyn: And isn’t that something to brag about.
[She has appeared in the doorway. Alan and Charlie stare. The cupboard handles pop off the cupboard Alan has been pulling open, and he falls to the floor.]
Charlie: Hi mom.
[Cut to: Later. Charlie and Alan are sitting, their mother is standing in front of them, telling them off.]
Evelyn: Do you have any idea how hurtful it is to hear about your own son’s divorce on the street?
Alan: What divorce? What street?
Charlie: How did you get in my house?
Evelyn: You stay out of this. I’m here to help your brother through a very difficult time. [to Alan] How could you do this to me?
Alan: Do what?
Evelyn: Now, when I want to see my grandson, I am going to have to make an appointment with Judith, who, let’s face it, was never very warm to me. And what if there’s another man there? Shacking up with her? Have we even stopped to consider that?
[Alan’s eyes open wide.]
Charlie: I think he’s considering it now, mom.
[Jake enters, carrying a glass.]
Jake: Here’s your iced tea, grandma.
Evelyn: Oh, thank you, my little angel. Oh darling, I asked for a lemon wedge. [Jake returns to the kitchen] Alright, here’s what you’re going to do. You and Jake will come live with me. After all, I’m just rattling around in that big house all by myself.
Alan: Mom, that’s very considerate. But as soon as Judith and I work things out I’m going to be back at my own house.
Evelyn: Oh, sweetheart, grow up! Think about what I said. You’re my son and I’ll always have room for you in my house and in my heart.
Alan: I love you too, mom.
[Evelyn looks round at Charlie.]
Charlie: I love you too, mom.
Evelyn: Too little, too late.
-------------------------------
[A restaurant. Judith and Alan are having a meal.]
Alan: So, Vegas was good?
Judith: It was fine. Alan, I really want to apologise for putting you through this. I was wrong to blame you for my unhappiness.
Alan: No, no need to apologise. What’s important is that we’re here and we’re working on our marriage. You look great, by the way. Must be all the extra oxygen they pump into the casinos…
Judith: Alan…
Alan: And you were right. I see now that the time apart did us both a lot of good. I know I’ve grown. I am not that suffocating guy you threw out of the house four and a half days ago. [He dips a napkin into his water and wipes a smudge from Judith’s face.] Let me tell you that.
Judith: Alan…
Alan: And Jake’s doing fine. I, I know you were concerned about him being around my brother but it turns out Charlie’s great with kids.
[Cut to the house. Charlie and a group of questionable men are sitting around the table playing poker. Jake is hovering near Charlie.]
Man: Alright, last card, down and dirty. King’s bet.
Man 2: Dollar.
Man 3: I’m in.
Man 4: In.
Charlie: I’ll see the dollar and raise it five.
Jake: You raised five dollars on that?
All the men: Call!
Charlie: Queens, full of nines.
[The men all groan.]
Man 4: Kid, don’t you know what a full house is?
Jake: Yea, and I also know what a psych-out is.
Charlie: I love this boy.
[Cut back to the restaurant. Alan is still talking.]
Alan: And, and, I think we’re gonna look back on this as a new beginning for our marriage. A rebirth, a renaissance, if you will.
Judith: Alan, I think I’m gay.
Alan: [stunned] Alright. We’ll make a list. On one side we’ll put gay stuff…
[Cut back to the house.]
Man 2: I’ll see you, and raise you twenty.
[Jake is now sitting in the chair, holding the cards and Charlie is hovering beside him.]
Charlie: I think he’s got you, pal.
Jake: [whispers] He’s bluffing. He always pulls his ear when he bluffs.
Man 2: How about it then Mighty Mouse? You in? [pulls his ear]
[Jake looks at Charlie.]
Charlie: Take him down.
Jake: [Puts in some chips] Call you.
Man 2: [Glowers for a moment, then puts his cards down.] I hate this kid.
[Alan enters.]
Alan: What the hell is going on here?
Jake: You said “hell”.
Charlie: Throw a dollar in the pot.
Alan: What?
Man: Hey, we all had to.
Alan: Charlie, may I speak with you privately please?
[They go out to the decking.]
Jake: Who’s deal with it?
Alan: [off screen, shouts] Jake, go to bed!
Jake: I’m out! [he runs off]
[Outside]
Alan: What is wrong with you? Are you insane? Do you have any sense of right and wrong?
Charlie: Probably not, how was dinner?
Alan: How could you put Jake in a poker game with grown men?
Charlie: I obviously can’t be trusted. So, how was dinner?
Alan: I leave you alone with him for a couple of hours…
Charlie: I’m just gonna keep asking, Alan.
Alan: Dinner was swell, we both had the veal piccata, and she’s gay!!
Charlie: Wow. Most chicks won’t eat veal.
Alan: Why do I even try talking to you?
Charlie: Come on, I’m just trying to get you to lighten up a little.
Alan: I don’t need to lighten up. The world I live in is dark. Dark and rainy. And you’re useless in it.
Charlie: Oh really? I wasn’t useless when you needed a place to stay.
Alan: Well, obviously that was a mistake.
Charlie: Are you sure? Maybe we should make a list.
--------------------------------------
[Charlie is sat at the piano, playing sad, blue’s style music.]
Jake: [off-screen] Uncle Charlie?
Charlie: What’s going on? Can’t sleep?
Jake: [stands next to the piano] No. My dad says we’re moving to Grandma’s tomorrow.
Charlie: Yea, that’d keep me up. If it makes you feel any better, you won eighty bucks on that last hand.
Jake: 85.
Charlie: 80. House gets a cut.
Jake: I wish my dad was as cool as you.
Charlie: Hey, don’t sell your dad short. He loves you more than anything in the world. You know that, don’t you?
Jake: I guess. How come you don’t have any kids?
Charlie: I don’t know. Maybe because I love me more than anything in the world.
Jake: Uncle Charlie?
Charlie: Yea?
Jake: I don’t want to go to Grandma’s. I’d rather stay here.
Charlie: Yea, well, your dad knows what’s best for you.
Jake: Okay, good night Uncle Charlie. I love you.
Charlie: [surprised] Yea, okay.
-----------------------------------
[Charlie and the woman from the beginning are on his bed. She is wearing the outfit and they are making out.]
Charlie: You gotta love a kid like that. I even played him Stairway To Heaven and he still liked the Maple Loops song better.
Woman: Charlie, I haven’t seen you in two weeks. You finally got the house back to yourself. Now, do you want to talk about your nephew or do you want to have sex?
Charlie: Oh, sex, definitely sex. [They kiss] Let me ask you something.
Woman: Yea?
Charlie: Do you ever think about having kids?
Woman: Woah, Charlie. We’ve got a good thing going. Can’t we just leave it at that?
Charlie: What are you doing? I thought we were gonna have sex.
Woman: How am I supposed to have sex while your biological clock is going off?
[She goes into the bathroom with her clothes. The phone rings.]
Machine: Hey, it’s Charlie, do your thing when you hear the beep.
Rose: [on machine] Hi Monkey Man. I was just thinking about you and wondering why we hurt each other so much…
Charlie: [picks up the phone.] Rose? It’s me, Monkey Man.
Rose: Charlie?
Charlie: Yea, listen, let me ask you a question. Is there something inherently wrong with asking a woman you’re involved with if she wants kids?
Rose: Oh, Charlie, we got a good thing going, why do you want to mess it up? [hangs up]
--------------------------------
[Evelyn’s house. Alan has just shown Charlie in.]
Charlie: Look at you. All grown up and back living with Mom. How good do you feel about yourself right now? On a scale of one to two?
Alan: I’m not back living with Mom. I’m simply staying here until Judith and I work things out.
Charlie: So, one?
Alan: What do you want Charlie?
Charlie: I figured you’ve been here a couple of weeks, you gotta have blood in your stool by now. So, I thought if you and Jake wanted to come back to my place for a while that… that’d be okay.
Alan: Wait a minute. Are you saying you want me to come back and live with you?
Charlie: Well, truthfully, no. I want Jake to come back and live with me but I figure you’re a package deal.
Alan: Thanks, but we’re doing just fine here with Mom.
Charlie: Come on Alan, we can’t let Jake be exposed to her on any kind of ongoing basis.
Alan: There’s no ongoing basis, he’s only here on weekends.
Charlie: That’s too much. Piranhas can strip an entire cow in an hour. Alan, we’ve got to get him away from her. I mean, look what happened to us.
Evelyn: [enters the room] And what happened to you?
Charlie: Hi Mom.
Evelyn: Charlie, you’re a grown man. Perhaps it’s time to stop blaming your mother for your own shortcomings. Alan, [clicks her fingers] the divan is not for sitting. Charlie, get off the couch.
Jake: [enters, wearing a very smart tank top and tie.] Uncle Charlie!
Evelyn: [hugs him to her chest] Oh, there’s my good boy. And what did I tell you about yelling in the house?
Jake: [muffled] Grandma, I’m suffocating.
Charlie: [to Alan] Sound familiar?
Alan: You’re right. This madness must end.
Charlie: Here, [Pulls a rock out of his pocket] I got you your own key.
--------------------------------
[The supermarket. Alan and Charlie are walking together with the trolley. Jake skips along in front.]
Alan: I am not comfortable with this. I mean, maybe I should go wait in the car.
Charlie: You’re not waiting in the car. Trust me, this is a great way to meet women.
Alan: I don’t want to meet women, I’m still married.
Charlie: Come on, your wife’s out meeting chicks, why shouldn’t you?
[Jake sings the Maple Loops song and a woman opposite notices. She has very short shorts on, and long legs. She smiles.]
Woman: Your son is just adorable.
Alan: Thank you.
Woman: You and your… [notices Charlie] life partner must be so proud. [She walks off]
Charlie: You’re right. Go wait in the car.
Source: https://www.twiztv.com
Le lendemain matin, Jake, le fils d'Alan, et Judith, sa femme, sont chez Charlie. Alan et Judith ont besoin de discuter de leurs problèmes de couple et Charlie s'occupe de Jake. Charlie accepte d'abord à contre coeur puis tous les deux s'entendent bien très rapidement.
Lorsque Judith revient de Las Vegas, elle annonce à Alan, lors d'un dîner au restaurant, qu'elle pense être lesbienne. Alan, en rentrant du restaurant, trouve Jake et Charlie en train de jouer au poker avec des amis peu fréquentables de Charlie. Ceci ajouté à sa conversation précédente avec Judith rend Alan irritable; il se dispute avec Charlie et dès le lendemain matin lui et Jake vont vivre chez Evelyn. Jake préférerait rester chez Charlie chez qui il s'amuse bien et dit à son oncle qu'il l'aime.
