[Charlie sits at the piano. He is playing Beethoven and sings.]
Charlie: [sings] If you’ve got bugs. If you’ve got ants. If you’ve got bugs and flies and slugs and things that crawl. [He decides this is good and writes it down.]
[Alan, Jake and Judith enter carrying boxes.]
Alan: We’re here.
Jake: Mom, come see my room!
Judith: I’ll be right there, honey.
Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: Hey, Shorty.
Judith: [unfriendly] Hello Charlie.
[Alan goes out to get another box.]
Charlie: Hi Judith. What are you doing here?
Judith: If you must know, I’m here to help Jake set up his room so he feels like nothing’s changed.
Charlie: Really? You don’t think he’ll notice that his dad’s living here and his mom’s dating chicks?
Judith: Could you say that a little louder? Jake might not have heard you. [Alan appears behind her.] And just for the record, I’m not dating anyone and I threw your brother out because he was sucking the life out of me. [She goes to Jake’s room.]
Alan: Could you say that a little louder?
[Jake runs through and outside.]
Jake: Uncle Charlie hasn’t met Porky yet.
Charlie: I don’t suppose that’s a Rubenesque 19 year old girl?
Alan: Porky’s his pet guinea pig.
Charlie: You’re bringing vermin into my house?
Jake: [holds up the cage] Uncle Charlie, check him out. Isn’t he awesome?
Charlie: Yea.
Jake: See those little black things? That’s his poop.
Charlie: Awesome.
Judith: [returns from Jake’s room] I don’t want him in the water this weekend, he might have an ear infection.
Jake: Oh, mom.
Alan: Oh, no, it’s okay, pal. We can go to Disneyland. We’ll have a great weekend. We can, we can play miniature golf, go bowling, bike riding, whatever you want.
Charlie: Alan, relax, you’re starting to sound like a tampon commercial.
Judith: [shakes her head] Jake, why don’t you go and put Porky in your room?
Jake: Okay.
Judith: Alan, I’m very concerned. He’s just a child. I don’t know whether he can deal with this.
Charlie: Oh, give your son some credit, he’s an incredible kid.
Judith: I was talking about you.
Charlie: That’s fair.
Alan: Yea.
--------------------------------------------
[Alan is sitting at the desk, writing and eating yogurt. He looks up and Rose is stood outside, on the deck, waving at him. He waves back.]
Alan: Charlie? That strange lady from down the beach is back.
Charlie: Oh yea, she’s here to baby-sit.
Alan: Come again?
Charlie: I thought we’d go out and have a drink.
Alan: You want me to leave my son with the whack job who’s been stalking you since your one night stand?
Charlie: Hey, you try and find a baby-sitter on a Friday night.
Rose: [from outside] It’s okay, Alan. Charlie and I talked and I understand that we’re just friends, and that it is not okay for me to sneak into his house and lick all of his silverware.
[Alan was just taking another spoonful of yogurt. He reacts.]
Alan: As reassuring as that sounds, we can’t go out tonight. We’re getting up early to go to Disneyland.
Charlie: We?
Alan: Yea. I thought that maybe you’d want to come with us.
Charlie: Alan, I’m not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house. Why would I drive fifty miles to see their kingdom?
Rose: [still outside, she waves] I’ll go! I’ll go!
Charlie: Maybe some other time, Rose. And it turns out we’re not going to need a babysitter tonight.
Rose: No problem. I’m gonna take this seat cushion, okay?
Charlie: Knock yourself out.
[Rose takes the cushion and leaves.]
Alan: Why does she want your seat cushion?
Charlie: I don’t know why she brought it, I don’t know why she’s taking it. Okay then, I’ll see you later.
Alan: Wait, wait, you’re still going out?
Charlie: Yea, why?
Alan: I thought you wanted us to spend some time together.
Charlie: Here? [Alan nods.] Okay.
[They both sit down and make themselves comfortable. There is an awkward silence.]
Charlie: What are you thinking, 10, 15 minutes?
Alan: Go.
Charlie: Thanks.
[He leaves.]
---------------------------------
[Charlie is asleep. He opens his eyes and is confronted with a guinea pig staring at him.]
Jake: [a fake guinea pig voice] Good morning Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: Morning Porky.
Jake: [as Porky] Did you have sweet dreams?
Charlie: Jake. Rule number one. Uncle Charlie does not like to start his day with a squealing creature in his face.
Jake: [as Porky] Sorry. [Normal voice] Grandma’s here. She wants you to come down.
Charlie: Okay, you’re not listening. Rule number one…
[Cut to: Evelyn is sitting in the kitchen sorting through some papers. Alan is pouring coffee.]
Evelyn: This is a list of the top divorce attorneys in Los Angeles. I’ve made appointments for you with each of them.
Alan: Mom, I don’t need to meet any attorneys. I’m not getting a divorce.
Evelyn: I’m sure you don’t think so. The point is, if you consult with all the good lawyers, it’s a conflict of interest for them to represent Judith. She’ll be stuck with some ambulance chasing clown from Van Nuys who will fold like an origami swan.
Alan: I don’t want this to be…
Evelyn: Mommy busted her hump on this, Alan. [hands him the paper.]
Alan: Thank you?
Charlie: Morning.
Evelyn: Is that all you have to say for yourself? You haven’t returned any of my calls this week. It’s all I can do to not imagine you lying dead in a ditch somewhere.
Charlie: Right back at ya, ma. [drinks from one of Jake’s juice boxes and sits down] What did you want to talk about?
Evelyn: Too late. I’m not speaking to you.
Charlie: Alright.
Evelyn: Would you like to know why?
Charlie: No, I trust your judgment.
Evelyn: Because when your brother’s marriage ended… [Alan turns round] Yes, I know Alan… blah, blah, blah… [to Charlie] and he chose to move in here, your coldness towards your mother became more than just the behaviour of an ungrateful son. It’s not an obstacle to my spending time with my beloved grandchild.
[Jake enters and tries to sneak past her, but she grabs him and pulls him into a hug.]
Jake: Are you coming to Disneyland with us, Grandma?
Evelyn: Oh darling, Grandma doesn’t do Anaheim.
Alan: Well, uh, we’d better hit the road. Try to beat the traffic. Thanks for dropping by, Mom. Come on, let’s go Jake. Race you to the car.
Jake: Bye Grandma, Bye Uncle Charlie.
[They race out.]
Evelyn: Bye.
[An uncomfortable silence between Charlie and his mother.]
Charlie: Wait for me, I’m going!
[He races after them.]
-------------------------------------------------
[A map. A blue line draws the route to Disneyland, accompanied by jaunty music. A clock, in the right hand corner, shows time passing by there. Then the blue line draws the route back, but the music begins to slow down.]
-------------------------------------------------
[Charlie opens the door to the house, followed by Jake. They are wearing pirate hats and carry some shopping but look utterly exhausted. Alan enters after them, wearing a Robin Hood hat, and he is very happy, playing with an invisible dog collar.]
Alan: Come on boy, come on boy, heel. Heel. Stay, now stay. Who’s a good dog? Who’s a good dog? Yea.
[Jake and Charlie look at each other in exasperation.]
Alan: Hey Jake, you want to take him? [hands the lead to Jake.]
Jake: Whatever. Come on, leash. [He goes to his room, dragging the leash behind him.]
Alan: Oh. Get ready for bed. I’ll be right in to tuck you in.
Charlie: Happiest place on earth, my snow white ass.
Alan: I had a good time.
Charlie: Oh really? Which part did you like best? The equatorial heat, the endless lines or the large German woman that threw up on me in the Teacup?
Alan: Okay, okay, maybe things could have gone smoother, but tomorrow’s gonna make up for it.
Charlie: Alan, you could get us all laid tomorrow, it’s not gonna make up for it.
--------------------------------
[Alan and Charlie are in the kitchen. Alan is making breakfast. Jake enters, scratching his ear.]
Alan: Hey, sleepyhead. You’re just in time. Your pancakes are almost ready.
Jake: I’m not hungry.
Alan: Not hungry? Come on, you gotta fuel up that engine. We’ve got a big day planned.
Jake: My ear hurts.
Alan: Oh no. Let me feel. [Puts his hand on Jake’s forehead] Oh yea, you’re a little warm. Probably another ear infection. Um, okay, new plan. We’ll get you on the antibiotics, we’ll watch a little TV, play some video games. We’ll have a great day.
Jake: I want to go home.
Alan: Well, you are home.
Jake: I know, but the real one, with Mom.
Alan: Um, okay. I understand that. You know, when, when a guy’s feeling sick he needs his Mom, right Charlie?
Charlie: Well… I may not be the one to ask.
Alan: Okay, I’ll er, I’ll call your mom and tell her we’re on our way.
[He goes.]
Charlie: Alright, it’s just you and me now. Are you really sick or are you just faking it to get out of another fun-filled afternoon?
Jake: I’m really sick.
Charlie: Just checking. Because I was gonna fake it.
--------------------------------
[Charlie is playing piano. Another classic.]
Charlie: [sings] If your home is bug infested, filled with spiders, flies or gnats. All our sprays are safety tested, we kill vermin, not your cats.
[Alan enters.]
Alan: Hey, how’s the jingle coming?
Charlie: The lyrics are fine. The music needs a little work. How’s Jake?
Alan: Oh, he’ll be okay. I stayed over at the house a little while. We watched some movies, I made us some soup and a couple of sandwiches, and Judith suggested I take mine to go.
Charlie: Suggested?
Alan: Well, she started my car and threw my sandwich in the back seat.
Charlie: That’s rough. Uh, listen, I’m afraid I got some more bad news for you.
Alan: Oh no, gosh, I forgot to bring Porky back.
Charlie: See, that’s the thing. Nothing’s bringing Porky back.
Alan: What? Porky’s dead?
Charlie: “Buh-dee, buh-dee, buh-dee, that’s all folks.”
Alan: [fighting tears] Oh God. [cries] Oh God.
Charlie: [awkward] It’s okay. We can, we can get Jake another guinea pig.
Alan: Jake’ll be fine. This is fourth Porky in three years. He goes through them faster than shoes. No, this is… this is about my life. Everything is going to hell. [Sits on the sofa, clutching Porky in his cage.]
Charlie: Okay, well, uh, don’t cry. We can still be friends.
Alan: What?
Charlie: I’m sorry. It’s the only thing I know to say when someone cries around here.
Alan: I am so sorry, Porky. You just kept running around in your little cage trying to make everybody happy and what do you get? You get dead.
Charlie: You do know the pig can’t hear you, right?
Alan: Don’t you get it? I am the pig.
Charlie: Okay, okay. I’m just asking because your reaction doesn’t seem very healthy to me.
Alan: And what do you think would be healthy Charlie?
Charlie: I don’t know. Why don’t we toss Porky in the ocean and go get bombed?
Alan: God, how could you? How could you? Okay.
------------------------------------
[A bar. Alan and Charlie are sat at the bar drinking beers.]
Alan: Toss him in the ocean. Very clever.
Charlie: Who knew pelicans eat guinea pigs?
[A barmaid rings a bell and everybody whoops and downs a shot.]
Alan: What’s happening?
Charlie: Sunday is tequila night at Pavlov’s. Every time the bell rings, you got to take a shot.
Alan: Why?
Charlie: Because the bell rings.
Alan: Oh. Okay. [goes to drink it]
Charlie: You gotta bark first.
Alan: [very poor bark] Woof.
[Alan downs his shot and pulls a face. Charlie signals for two more.]
Alan: Charlie… when my son looked at me and told me that he wanted to go “home”, that broke my heart.
Charlie: I saw.
Alan: You know, my kid is sick and I can’t even be with him. I, you know, I’m a failure, Charlie. I’m a failure as a father. I’m a failure as a husband.
Charlie: You didn’t fail. First of all, that little boy loves you. And second of all, just because your wife decides she doesn’t like sleeping with men, doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a husband. Although, I wouldn’t brag about it.
Alan: You’re right, you’re right. This is Judith’s fault. She’s the one who breached our marriage contract asunder. And, and, and, and I let her make decisions that should have been in my dominion.
Charlie: Alan, people are gonna do whatever they’re gonna do in this world. The only thing a man can control is his own actions.
[The bell rings, everyone woofs, including Alan, and they all down their shots.]
[Cut to later. They are climbing into a taxi.]
Charlie: I don’t remember where we left our car.
Alan: This isn’t our car?
Driver: Where to?
Alan/Charlie: Home.
Driver: And that would be?
Alan: Sherman Oaks.
Charlie: We don’t live in Sherman Oaks.
Alan: I do. I am a Sherman Oaksian and, and I am going home for as to reclaim my home.
Charlie: Oh, that’s a very bad idea. I’ll tell you what’s a good idea. Chilli cheese fries and a large root beer. With chilli cheese fries. And girls.
Alan: No. I am going home to my wife to impose my dominion over her.
Charlie: Oh yea, the lesbians love that.
Alan: Driver! Sherman Oaks!
[They pull away. Cut to: The taxi pulls to a stop.]
Driver: 1167, Bonnie Meadow Drive.
Alan: Goodbye Charlie. I’ll be back for my things tomorrow. Thank you driver, you’ve been most kind. [He climbs out.]
Driver: So, back to Malibou?
Charlie: No, let’s give it a second. Did you know they put chocolate pudding in tubes now?
Driver: No, no I did not.
Charlie: They do. My nephew eats them. They’re surprisingly good.
Driver: You know, that’s an interesting sibling dynamic you got going with your brother there.
Charlie: You get that I’m loaded, right?
[Alan gets back in, hurriedly.]
Alan: Drive, drive, drive.
[They pull away.]
Charlie: So? How’d it go?
Alan: She… she chased me out of the house with a golf club.
Charlie: Huh. Taking up golf already. What was it, like, a six iron?
Alan: What difference does it make?
Charlie: I just want to be able to tell the story accurately.
[They start laughing, drunkenly.]
Alan: [suddenly serious] It’s not funny.
Charlie: Then why are you laughing?
Alan: Because I don’t know what else to do. I wish I could ask Dad for advice.
Charlie: You’d go to Dad for marriage counselling? Alan, our father committed suicide to get away from our mother.
Alan: What are you talking about? Dad didn’t commit suicide, he died of food poisoning.
Charlie: I maintain that he knew the fish was bad but he kept eating it anyway.
Driver: Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.
Charlie: You have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in sissy sauce and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.
Alan: That’s right. And she made him so scared of intimacy that he just has this endless stream of gorgeous girls running in and out of his life.
Charlie: Damn her.
Driver: You know, many psychologists agree, until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.
Charlie: Just drive the cab, Doctor Phil.
Alan: You know what, Charlie? He’s not wrong. I mean, at some point, we have to stand up to her.
Charlie: Oh, well, look who’s got beer muscles all of a sudden.
Alan: No, no, I’m serious. Come on, right now. Let’s confront her. You with me? Come on. Oh my god. Oh my god. I can’t believe it. You really are afraid of Mom.
Charlie: I am not.
Alan: All these years I thought you were so cool, but you’re just a big clucking chicken.
Driver: Ouch.
Charlie: Ouch? Okay, okay, that’s it. We have a new destination. Beverley Hills.
Driver: You got an address?
Charlie: Just go east on Sunset until you reach the Gates Of Hell.
Alan: She’ll buzz us in.
-------------------------------------
[Alan and Charlie approach their mother’s door.]
Charlie: I can’t wait to see her face.
Alan: She’s gonna freak.
Charlie: You ready?
Alan: Ring the bell. Ring the bell, come on.
[Charlie presses the doorbell and it rings. They both woof, then look at each other and frown.]
Evelyn: [through the intercom] Who is it?
Charlie: It’s your sons.
Alan: Charlie and Alan.
[A security camera whirs round to face them and they wave at it.]
Both: Hi Mom.
Evelyn: [through the intercom] Dear God, hold on, I’ll be right there.
Alan: Okay, uh, what exactly are we gonna say to her?
Charlie: Now you ask? This was your safari.
Alan: Well, we’re here to resolve the core maternal thing. Wait, I’ll go ask the cabbie.
Charlie: Nice try.
[The door opens and Evelyn stands there in a dressing gown, looking furious.]
Evelyn: Somebody better be dead.
Alan: Porky’s dead.
Charlie: And you completely screwed up our lives.
Evelyn: I’m sorry?
Charlie: Well, that’s good enough for me.
Alan: Yea, I’m good.
Charlie: Night.
[They dash off, and we hear their voices shouting at the driver to ‘Drive!’]
----------------------------------------
[The next morning. The boys are asleep on the sunloungers on the deck. There are a lot of bottles strewn around them. Rose is in between them, staring dreamily at Charlie. She strokes his hair.]
Rose: Good morning, sunshine.
[He wakes up.]
Charlie: Oh God, close the drapes.
[Rose picks up some paper.]
Rose: Hey, what’s this? [reads] Release and indemnification form?
Charlie: What?
Rose: Were you on some kind of television show last night?
Charlie: I don’t think so.
Rose: Well, you and your brother signed it.
Charlie: Let me see that. [Takes the paper and squints at it.] Alan. Alan, wake up.
[Alan wakes up, stares about him in confusion, then takes the paper.]
Charlie: We got a problem.
Alan: [reads] Taxicab Confessions?
[A clip from the taxi driver’s wing mirror secret camera. Charlie sing his “If you’ve got bugs” song.]
Driver: Ain’t that Beethoven?
Charlie: Shhh.
Alan: I don’t even know how my wife is gonna be a lesbian. She hates oral sex. Hates it.
[The camera blurs and cuts out.]
Source : https://www.twiztv.com
