[Charlie is sleeping. A huge shadow falls over his face.]
Berta: Charlie? Honey? Wake up.
Charlie: [smiles] Good morning.
Berta: [we see Berta. She is a large woman – his housekeeper] You lied to me, Charlie. You said it was just gonna be the two of us.
Charlie: I didn’t lie, Berta, things change.
Berta: Goodbye Charlie. [She turns to go]
Charlie: [Climbs out of bed.] Don’t leave me, Berta. [Runs after her] I love you!
[Berta comes down the stairs, Charlie following her.]
Charlie: Can we talk about this?
Berta: Sorry, I do single men only. I’m in, I’m out, there are no complications.
Charlie: But I am single.
[Alan enters from the kitchen.]
Alan: Er, Berta? I hate to bring this up again but you just… you cannot put the peanut butter in the refrigerator. It gets hard. And on a related subject, the peanut butter stains on Jake’s shirts really require an enzyme pre-soak.
Berta: I hope you two will be very happy together.
Charlie: But who’s gonna take care of me? Who’s gonna do the laundry, the shopping and the cleaning and all the other stuff?
Berta: Ask the Scrubbing Bubble there.
[Berta blows Charlie a kiss and exits. Jake comes in from the kitchen.]
Jake: Uncle Charlie, why is Berta leaving?
Charlie: Why? It doesn’t matter Jake. What matters is she’s gone. And we’re all gonna die.
---------------------------------------
[The boys are all in the kitchen. Charlie is looking very depressed.]
Charlie: She left before she made the coffee.
Alan: So? We’ll make our own coffee.
Charlie: How?
[Alan rolls his eyes, goes to the coffee pot, checks the lid and then flips the switch.]
Charlie: So, now we just wait?
Alan: Yes. It takes a couple of minutes.
Charlie: Alan, this goes beyond coffee. Berta’s been with me forever, she does everything. She’s like a wife that leaves before you wake up and doesn’t mind if you sleep around. [A ding sounds] Is that the coffee?
Jake: [goes to the microwave] It’s my peanut butter. I made it soft.
Alan: Charlie, I’ve been trying to figure out a way to repay you for letting me and Jake stay here. Why don’t I take over the housework?
Charlie: Berta did the shopping too.
Alan: I can do that.
Charlie: She did my laundry.
Alan: In her way, yes. But I can handle that too, and look… [pours the coffee] I even made your coffee.
Charlie: Thank you. [takes a sip.] No, uh-uh. Not as good as Berta’s.
Alan: It’s her coffee! I just pressed the button.
Charlie: Berta’s tasted, I don’t know, Christmassy.
Alan: What does that mean “Christmassy”? What…?
Charlie: It means “like Christmas”.
Alan: Now, you got to work with me Charlie, I mean, nutmeg, cinnamon, powdered reindeer?
Charlie: I don’t know, it’s just that when you drank it, it felt like Christmas morning and anything was possible.
Alan: Sweet N Low? Half and Half? Mocha milk?
Charlie: Oh, forget it, I’ll just read my paper. [turns round but the table is empty] Uh-oh, where’s my paper?
Alan: I don’t know. You might try looking by the front door.
Charlie: No, no, it’s usually right here, on the table.
Alan: Okay, so before you got up, Berta started the coffee and got you your paper?
Charlie: Well, I don’t know the mechanics of it, but yea.
Alan: I’ll go get it.
[Alan exits. Charlie sighs and leans back in his chair. Jake brings his peanut butter to the table with a glass.]
Charlie: He’s not off to a very good start.
Jake: Want a glass of peanut butter?
[Jake pours the peanut butter into the glass, it is a liquid. Then he holds the glass up to Charlie, who stares at him.]
-------------------------------------
[Charlie is sitting in the living room, reading his paper. He sips his coffee and pulls a face. Alan is mopping the floor beside him, disturbing him.]
Charlie: Alan?
Alan: Yea?
Charlie: I can see you.
Alan: [as if to a child] And I can see you too.
Charlie: No, I mean, Berta never cleaned when I was in the room. She was like, invisible.
Alan: I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more transparent.
Charlie: Appreciate it.
[Alan leaves the room. Rose is peering round a plant outside on the deck. Charlie puts his newspaper down and catches sight of her.]
Charlie: Oh, no. I see you.
Alan: [from the next room] Oh, give me a break!
Charlie: Not you, that girl that’s been stalking me. [He opens the door] Rose?
Rose: [emerges from behind the plant] Oh, there you are. What are you doing sneaking up on me like that? [they enter the house]
Charlie: Rose, honey. We spent one night together and it was very nice but…
Rose: What was your favourite part?
Charlie: Gee, I’d have to say finding out you live just two doors down.
Rose: Sometimes it’s all I can do not to chew through that house in the middle.
Charlie: Yea. Uh, but see, I’m not looking for a relationship right now. So, maybe you should find someone who can give you the attention you want… need… deserve… require.
Rose: Are you saying we should see other people?
Charlie: Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. You have so much love to give and somewhere out there is a guy who… can take it.
Rose: Well, there is this one guy…
Charlie: He sounds perfect.
Rose: His name is Andy. He works at Jamba Juice. He always gives me a free wheatgrass shooter and chuckles when I gag.
Charlie: Then ask him out. [opens the door for Rose to leave]
Rose: That seems kinda forward, don’t you think?
Charlie: No, come on, women ask guys out all the time. What they don’t do is handcuff themselves to the refrigerator when he says it’s time to go home.
Rose: That’s where you and I went off the track, isn’t it?
Charlie: Hey, I’m the past. Andy’s the future. Bye-bye now. Good luck… [shuts the door] Andy.
-------------------------------------
[Charlie is playing the piano. He smells something, and sniffs his piano. It doesn’t smell right.]
Charlie: Alan? What did you do to my piano?
Alan: Nothing. I just dusted.
Charlie: Yea, well, I’m sitting here trying to write a jingle about a chocolate bar and my piano smells like lemons.
Alan: Gee, I’m sorry Charlie, but they don’t make chocolate Pledge.
Charlie: Maybe I’m not making myself clear. The rest of the house can smell like any fruit you want but my piano needs to smell…
Alan: Piano-y?
Charlie: There you go.
Alan: Fine. I’ll get an unscented polish.
Charlie: Well, that’s not gonna help me now, is it? [sniffs the piano] Nope.
Alan: You know what, Charlie? You are a child. You are a big, high-maintenance child.
Charlie: I am not a child. [gets up and starts to stomp upstairs]
Alan: Where are you going?
Charlie: Well, if I can’t write my chocolate song, I’m going to take a nap.
-----------------------------------------
[Charlie is asleep on the bed. Alan opens the door and quietly peers inside.]
Alan: Charlie? You asleep? I’m doing a load of whites.
[He tip-toes inside with the laundry basket and collects up the clothes that are strewn about the room. Then he spots Charlie’s feet. He has white sock on and they are filthy. Alan puts the laundry basket down and begins to peel off one of the socks. Charlie rolls over and Alan jumps away. As soon as it is safe, he starts peeling off the sock again. Charlie again rolls over but this time his foot flies in the air and smacks Alan in the face. Alan falls down.]
Alan: Jeez! Charlie?
Charlie: [still lying down with his eyes closed] What?
Alan: You kicked me in your sleep.
Charlie: Who said I was asleep?
[Cut to Alan storming down the stairs, Charlie following.]
Alan: I can’t do this anymore. You are impossible.
Charlie: Hey, don’t blame me. I tried to make it work.
Alan: Excuse me? Berta quit at 9 o’clock. It’s not 2:30. When did you try? Where was the trying?
Charlie: Hey, you’re the one who made Berta quit.
Alan: I didn’t make her quit. I simply raised the bar of quality housework and she insisted on limboing under it. But since you obviously can’t live without her, you big baby, I will go and apologise and get her back.
Charlie: Great.
Alan: So, where does she live?
Charlie: [stumped] I don’t know.
Alan: Okay, what’s her last name? [Charlie is again stumped.] Your entire life depends on this woman and you know nothing about her.
Charlie: Wait. She took a bus.
Alan: I stand corrected.
Charlie: Oh, oh, after she works here in the morning, she cleans some rock star’s house.
Alan: Okay. What rock star? Where?
[Charlie thinks about it. There’s a tapping on the glass and Rose is stood there.]
Rose: Steven Tyler from Aerosmith. 4456 Malibu Canyon Road.
Alan: [surprised] Thank you. [To Charlie] Now listen, Judith is coming by at 5 to pick up Jake for dinner with her parents. Now, I should be back by then but you need to make sure that he is dressed and ready to go.
Charlie: No problem.
Alan: No, no, it is a problem, Charlie. I’m trying desperately to reconcile with my wife so I don’t want to do anything that’s gonna tick her off. So, you telling me “it’s no problem” does not reassure me.
Charlie: Here. Take my sock. I wanna show you a trick.
Alan: I’ll go get Berta. You make sure Jake is ready.
[He goes to leave, but when he opens the door Rose is stood there.]
Rose: Hi.
Alan: Hello.
Rose: There are security cameras up front so come up from the back and bring some dog treats, in case the rottweilers are out.
Alan: Again, thank you.
[Alan leaves and Rose takes one step inside the house.]
Rose: I asked Andy out and he said yes.
Charlie: Andy?
Rose: That guy you told me to ask out. I just don’t know what to wear. [She has clothes in her hand.] I love this one but it still smells like pepper spray.
[She enters the house, and starts going upstairs.]
Charlie: Where are you going?
Rose: To roll around naked on your bed. I’m just kidding. I’m gonna try on the dress, silly.
Charlie: But… but…
[Rose has disappeared upstairs. Jake enters from the kitchen, he is absolutely filthy.]
Jake: Is that lady your girlfriend?
Charlie: No, she’s just… it’s complicated. What the hell happened to you?
Jake: You know what else is complicated? Fractions.
Charlie: You got grease all over you. It’s in your hair, man.
Jake: Yea, my bike chain broke. Can you fix it?
Charlie: Kid, I’m a piano player, what do you think? Look, your mom’s gonna be here soon to take you to dinner.
Jake: I know.
Charlie: So, how about a shower?
Jake: [goes back into the kitchen] No, thank you.
Charlie: That wasn’t a question.
----------------------------------------
[Charlie has caught up with Jake, and is carrying him back through the living room.]
Charlie: Sorry pal, but you need a shower.
Jake: But my bike’s still broken. I think you made it worse.
Charlie: What are you talking about? Now you got a unicycle. [He puts Jake down and Jake runs off] Get in the shower.
[Rose comes down the stairs in a posh, black dress.]
Rose: I’m so worried he’s not going to like me.
Charlie: He’s going to love you, Rose. Just go out, have a great time, and don’t come on too strong.
Rose: Me? Too strong? What do you mean?
Charlie: Okay, well, speaking from my own experience, there’s nothing wrong with asking a guy for a blood test but actually trying to take the blood yourself is a little strong.
Rose: I see. [she heads back upstairs.]
Charlie: Where are you going now?
Rose: Well, you got me thinking this dress comes on too strong. So, I’m gonna put on something a little less… [roars] and a little more… oooh.
[Rose goes back upstairs. Jake walks past Charlie back towards the kitchen.]
Charlie: Jake, why aren’t you in the shower?
Jake: [remembers] Oh yea. [goes back to his room.]
----------------------------------------------
[Berta is folding a very loudly patterned pair of trousers in a laundry room. Alan crawls to the window, spots Berta and knocks. Berta jumps.]
Alan: Hi Berta, it’s me, the Scrubbing Bubble. I came to apologise.
Berta: Okay, thank you, bye bye.
Alan: Come on, can’t… can’t we put aside our petty differences and find a way to work together out of a, a mutual love for Charlie?
Berta: Yea, that’s why I do this. For love.
Alan: The thing is, I’m going through a really tough time right now. My marriage is collapsing, my business is slow. My little boy is being dragged back and forth from his mother’s house to… to Malibu.
Berta: My alcoholic husband ran off with my daughter’s parole officer and I clean rich people’s toilets for a living.
Alan: Okay, let’s not make this a competition.
--------------------------------------
[Charlie crosses the room and knocks on Jake’s door.]
Charlie: Jake, you’ve been in there for a while. How’s it going?
Jake: Good.
[There’s a rattling noise, that sounds ominous. Charlie enters the bathroom and finds Jake, still dirty, dipping his bicycle chain in the toilet and flushing it.]
Charlie: What are you doing?
Jake: Washing my bike chain. It’s real dirty.
Charlie: Forget about the chain. You got to take a shower before your mother gets here.
[Jake flushes the toilet then brings his hands up. He’s dropped the chain. Charlie and Jake peer into the toilet.]
Jake: We’re gonna need a new chain.
[Cut to: Downstairs. The phone rings. Rose, now in a red dress, picks it up.]
Rose: Hello, Charlie’s house. May I help you? Oh, hi Alan, it’s Rose. I got in. How’d you do? [spots Charlie] Oh, here he is. [gives the phone to Charlie] It’s your brother.
Charlie: Thank you. [on phone] How’s it going? Did you talk to Berta?
[Cut to Alan folding laundry with Berta.]
Alan: Yes, I’m here with her now. Is Jake ready?
Charlie: Yea, yea, we’re just applying the finishing touches. [We see Jake running up and down the deck in his underwear.] What about Berta?
Alan: The same. Finishing touches. She’s really a delight. [Berta scowls at him.] Just make sure Jake is ready when Judith gets there.
Charlie: Relax. Everything’s under control. I gotta go. [hangs up]
Rose: So, you like this dress better?
Charlie: Hang on, Rose. The kid’s running around the deck in his underwear.
Rose: Oh sure. But when I do it, you just ignore me.
[Charlie goes out on the deck.]
Charlie: Jake, what are you doing?
Jake: Air drying.
Charlie: You still have grease in your hair. Didn’t you wash it?
Jake: You didn’t say to wash my hair.
Charlie: Wash your hair.
Jake: Okay. [runs back inside. Charlie follows.]
Rose: You didn’t tell him to rinse.
Charlie: Good, that’s good. Thank you. [runs after Jake] Jake, rinse!
[Cut to Alan.]
Alan: Alright, so you won’t come back? Will you at least tell me how you made the damn coffee Christmassy?
Berta: Christmassy?
Alan: Yea, Charlie said your coffee tastes Christmassy.
Berta: Oh, cinnamon.
Alan: I said cinnamon!
[Berta lifts up a full laundry basket and groans in pain.
Alan: Oh, lower back? You do a lot of lifting? [Berta gives him a look] Of course you do, you’re a maid and I’m an ass.
Berta: I’m a housekeeper.
Alan: Of course.
Berta: And you’re an ass.
Alan: Yes. Hey, why don’t you sit down? Let me take a look at it.
Berta: What?
Alan: I’m a chiropractor.
Berta: Okay, but no funny business.
Alan: Not to worry.
[Cut to Charlie and Jake. Jake is dressed very smartly, in a tank top. Charlie is kneeling in front of him, fastening his tie. He is soaking wet… and mad.]
Jake: Looks like you washed your hair instead of mine.
Charlie: I’m not in the mood, Jake.
Jake: These clothes look stupid.
Charlie: You’re 10. No one cares.
Jake: You’re choking me.
Charlie: Trust me, you’ll know when I’m choking you.
Jake: I think my socks are on the wrong feet.
Charlie: Jake, dude. I’m right on the edge. Don’t push me. [grabs the tie] I can’t do this on someone else.
Rose: [off-screen] Charlie?
Charlie: You look great, Rose.
Rose: [enters] I don’t think I can go through with this.
Charlie: What? No, sure you can.
Rose: No, I’m gonna call Andy and cancel.
Charlie: No, you’re not. Now, listen to me. You’re a wonderful woman and this guy, Andy, is going to love you.
Rose: Thanks, but you’re saying that just to get me out of your hair.
Charlie: No, not just. Now, go out and have a great time.
Rose: But…
Charlie: Shh. No goodbyes. Just turn around and walk away.
Rose: Okay. Goodbye.
Charlie: Goodbye Rose.
[Rose looks tearful, then leaves. Charlie turns around and sees Jake taking off his clothes and going into the bathroom.]
Charlie: What happened?
Jake: I have to go to the bathroom.
Charlie: Why did you take your clothes off?
Jake: Sometimes I miss!
Charlie: Okay, that’s it. I give up. You are a child, Jake. Dress, don’t dress. Wash, don’t wash. I don’t care. You’re on your own.
[Jake flushes the toilet and obviously can’t hear Charlie.]
Jake: What?
[Cut to Alan and Berta. Berta is lying face down on the laundry table. Alan is squatting over her, pressing on her lower back. She is groaning.]
Berta: Oh god, that feels so good.
[The voice of Steven Tyler shouts from outside and the door opens. Alan and Berta look up, caught in the light.]
Steven: Hey Berta, I can’t find my… Berta, if you’re gonna do a guy in the laundry room, put a scarf on the doorknob or something. [Shuts the door and exits]
Alan: I’m a big fan!
[Cut to Charlie, sitting on the sofa. He looks awful. Covered in grease, soaking wet, Jake’s tie around his neck. He is sipping from a glass and pulls a face. Alan enters.]
Alan: Is Jake ready? Where’s Jake?
Charlie: I don’t know.
Alan: You don’t know? My wife just pulled in behind me. You said you’d have him ready.
Charlie: It can’t be done.
Alan: What do you mean, it can’t be done?
Charlie: I’m not strong enough. His will is greater than mine. I’m just going to get drunk and stay out of his way.
[Judith enters.]
Judith: Please tell me he’s ready. My parents are driving me nuts.
Alan: Uh, well… um…
[Jake comes round the corner, dressed and looking smart.]
Jake: Hi, mom.
Judith: Oh, don’t you look handsome?
[Charlie gets up and looks on, amazed.]
Jake: Uncle Charlie took my tie.
Judith: You don’t need a tie. [looks at Charlie wearing the tie] Grow up Charlie.
Jake: Bye.
[They exit.]
Alan: I thought you said he beat you?
Charlie: He did. Now he’s just screwing with me. What happened with Berta?
Alan: Well, it wasn’t easy, but I did it. She won’t do my laundry or get my groceries and I have to give her a lower back adjustment twice a week. And Steven Tyler thinks I’m doing her.
Charlie: But she is coming back?
Alan: Yes, Charlie, she is coming back.
Charlie: Right on. [puts a hand to his eye]
Alan: Are you crying?
Charlie: It’s been a very emotional day.
Alan: [passes Charlie his glass] Here you go buddy, drink your vodka.
-----------------------------------------
[Charlie is playing the piano. Rose taps on the window. Charlie sighs.]
Charlie: You look great, Rose, I swear. [he holds two thumbs up at her.]
Rose: He stood me up.
Charlie: What? After we spent all day getting ready?
Rose: I don’t know what I did wrong.
Charlie: You didn’t do anything wrong.
Rose: Then why did he stand me up?
Charlie: Because he’s an idiot. He doesn’t get what a truly… rare person you are.
Rose: Thanks. I wish Randy could see what you see.
Charlie: Forget about him, come on, I’m gonna take you to dinner.
Rose: Really?
Charlie: Yea, sure, why not? [realises] Hey, I thought you said his name was Andy.
Rose: What did I say?
Charlie: You said Randy.
Rose: No, I didn’t. Andy’s a real guy, I didn’t make him up. I love your little tie.
[Charlie scowls but follows Rose out the door anyway.]
Source : https://www.twiztv.com
