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#113 : La fièvre du dimanche soir

Titre orignal: Sara Like Puny Alan

 

Écrit par: Lee Aronsohn, Don Foster

Réalisé par: Robert Berlinger

1ère diffusion US:

1ère diffusion en France:

 

 Charlie et Alan ont un double rendez-vous : le premier avec une séduisante voisine qui veut se venger de son mari infidèle et le second avec la soeur de celle-ci, une actrice terriblement sexy qui joue dans des séries télévisées. Mais Alan attrape le rhume dont Jake souffre depuis quelque temps. Désespéré, Charlie l'emmène se faire soigner, mais il tombe peu après malade à son tour. Pas question pour autant d'annuler la soirée : il ira à son rendez-vous, dans un état second s'il le faut...

Guest: Lori Lively (Kathy), Johanna Black (Desiree Barrington).

Titre VO
Sara Like Puny Alan

Titre VF
La fièvre du dimanche soir

Plus de détails

Charlie apprend des blagues à Jake qui se montre très bon public.

Jake couve un rhume qu'Alan attrape. Charlie a un rendez-vous avec une femme et souhaite que Charlietrouve un homme pour sa copine afin d'organiser un double rendez-vous. Charlie pense à Alan, qui n'est pas du tout enchanté. Non seulement parce que la dernière fois qu'ils ont organisé un double rendez-vous Alan a passé la soirée avec une fille pas du tout à son goût, mais encore parce qui'l est enrhumé. Mais la seconde fille est une actrice de soap et lorsqu'Alan voit sa photo sur Internet il est prêt  à oublier sa fièvre pour la rencontrer.

Charlie aussi tombe enrhumé. Mais lui non plus ne veut pas annuler le rendez-vous. Tous les deux assis sur le canapé, fatigués et fiévreux, se font des aveux sur leurs rêves de carrière qui ne se sont pas réalisés. Charlie voulait devenir un grand musicien, et Alan a raté le concours d'entrée à l'école de médecine. Alan souhaite faire profiter Charlie de ses compétences en chiropractie et accomplit quelques gestes afin de le soulager de son rhume. Les deux femmes qu'ils attendaient arrivent devant la porte de leur maison à ce moment là et prennent la conversation de Charlie et Alan pour ce qu'elle n'est pas puis se sauvent sans sonner à la porte.


[Alan, Jake and Charlie are sitting at the kitchen table, eating takeaway Chinese food. Charlie holds out some food to Jake on the end of chopsticks.]

Charlie: Here, try this.

Jake: What is it?

Charlie: Just try it.

Jake: [eats it] Hey, that’s good.

Charlie: Of course it is. It’s chicken in frumunda sauce.

Jake: Frumunda sauce?

Charlie: Yea. From unda’ the toilet.

Jake: [laughs] Get it, Dad?

Alan: Yea, yea, I get it. I got it 30 years ago, the first time he said it.

Charlie: Yea, but it’s new to him. Check this out. Hey, Jake? What do you call the red mushy stuff between the elephant’s toes?

Jake: What?

Charlie: Slow-moving natives. [Jake laughs.] I love this kid. He’s a comedy blank slate.

Alan: Well, I’m glad you love him, but you might not want to share your chopsticks with him. I think he’s coming down with something.

Charlie: Oh no. He thinks it’s a head cold, but it’s snot. [Jake laughs.] Wait a minute, you don’t know that one either? Oh, I have so much to teach you, grasshopper. Do you know how to make arm farts?

Alan: Charlie, Charlie, not at the dinner table.

Charlie: I’ll show you later. Oh, before I forget, you got plans for tomorrow night?

Alan: No.

Charlie: Make some. I’m gonna need the house to myself.

Alan: Fine.

Charlie: Don’t you want to know why?

Alan: Jake, if you’re done, you can go to your room and start your homework.

Jake: Oh, this is about sex, right?

Charlie: Kids, today, huh? Doesn’t know frumunda sauce but gets why I need the house. Dude, I’ve got a bunch of jokes you’re going to love in a year or two.

Jake: Cool!

Alan: [taps Jake on the arm] Go.

Jake: You think I’m just a kid but I’m snot. [frowns] Wait, that’s not right. [Exits.]

Charlie: Okay, have you ever had revenge sex?

Alan: Hang on. Jake, are you in your room?

[Footsteps.]

Jake: [off-screen] Yea!

Alan: [satisfied] Revenge sex. Is that anything like pity sex?

Charlie: Whole different animal. Let me break it down for you. There’s this woman, Kathy, lives up the beach. Beautiful woman, I’ve wanted her for years. Only one problem. She’s married to kind of a friend of mine.

Alan: Kind of a friend?

Charlie: Well, I never really liked him but he had a hot wife.

Alan: So, the sanctity of marriage does slow you down a bit? I’m impressed.

Charlie: Thank you. But then I catch a break. He cheats on her with her best friend. She throws him out. So now I’m thinking she is gonna want justice.

Alan: Justice meaning revenge sex with you?

Charlie: [grins] You see it too, huh?

Alan: Yea. You’re going to exploit someone’s anger and grief for your own animal gratification.

Charlie: Hey, I don’t bitch about your hobbies. Anyway, she’s coming over here on Sunday so I’m gonna need you to be out of the way because we’ll probably be moving from room to room.

Alan: I’ll catch a movie. Just, mop up when you’re done.

Charlie: You got it. [grabs some food off Jake’s plate with his fork.]

Alan: I told you, don’t take things off his plate, he’s coming down with something.

Charlie: Relax, I never get sick. [Eats the food.]

[Cut to Jake, shaking his head.]

Jake: Boy, is he sick.

[Alan is lying on the sofa, covered in a blanket, blowing his nose. Charlie and Jake look on.]

Charlie: Well, I can’t say he didn’t warn me.

-------------------------------

[Charlie brings in a cup of tea from the kitchen and goes to Alan, who is still on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket.]

Charlie: How you feeling?

Alan: Horrible. Is that tea?

Charlie: Yea. [Drinks it.] Look, I know I said I wanted you out of the house for my date tonight but you’re obviously indisposed, so don’t worry about it.

Alan: Thank you.

Charlie: Just stay in your room, so the coughing and hacking doesn’t kill the mood.

Alan: Anything else I can do to enhance your evening?

Charlie: Well, you know how to work my camcorder?

[Jake enters from his room.]

Jake: I’m bored. What are we gonna do today?

Charlie: I don’t know. Why don’t we make some lunch and figure something out?

Jake: Cool.

Alan: Excuse me? Hasn’t anybody noticed I’m sick and miserable here?

Charlie: Yes, Alan, we noticed. Which is why we’re gonna make like hockey players and get the puck out of here.

Jake: [laughs] Get it, Dad? Puck’s not a bad word, but it sounds like one.

Alan: Yea, hilarious.

Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, let’s make like soccer players and get our big… [thinks about it] leather balls out of here?

Charlie: Good one.

Alan: Hey, you know, I caught this from you, how come you’re not sick?

Jake: I am. [sniffs and does a fake cough.] See?

Charlie: He’s just not being a baby about it.

[Rose taps on the window.]

Rose: [through glass] Hi.

Alan: Oh, perfect.

Charlie: [opens the door] Rose, this isn’t the best time, Alan’s pretty sick.

Rose: Oh no. [goes to Alan] Poor Alan. Is Charlie taking good care of you?

Alan: Not really.

Rose: Would you like me to take care of you?

Alan: Not really.

Rose: Don’t be silly. Move over. [She climbs onto the sofa next to him.]

Alan: Rose, Rose, what are you doing?

Rose: [hugs him] I’m transmitting healing energy from my body to yours. [starts humming]

Charlie: Looks like you’re in good hands. Come on, Jake.

Jake: I don’t think that’s gonna help him.

Charlie: No, but it helps us.

[They go through to the kitchen.]

Jake: Is he gonna be able to take me back to Mom’s later?

Charlie: Don’t worry, if he can’t, I will. Hey, how can you tell if an elephant’s been in your refrigerator?

Jake: How?

Charlie: There’s footprints in the cheesecake.

Jake: [straight face] But we don’t have a cheesecake?

Charlie: That’s the part you don’t buy?

[Cut to Rose and Alan.]

Rose: Do you feel the healing energy?

Alan: If I say yes, will you get off me?

[Evelyn knocks and the door and enters.]

Evelyn: Hello?

Alan: [looks up] Mom?
Evelyn: [spots Alan and Rose on the couch together and looks away] For God’s sake, Alan, I sit on that couch.

Alan: Mom, I’m sick.

Evelyn: We’re all sick, darling, but we use discretion.

Rose: No, he has the flu, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Oh, you poor baby, what can Mommy do for you?

Alan: [coughs] It’s okay, I’ll manage.

Evelyn: Oh, don’t be ridiculous. Now what do you need?

Alan: I don’t know. I am kind of thirsty.

Evelyn: Well, then, you should be drinking lots of fluids.

[Charlie and Jake almost enter the room, but when they spot Evelyn, they back away again.]

Alan: Okay.

Evelyn: Would you like a nice hot bowl of my special chicken noodle soup?

[Charlie and Jake sneak out onto the deck and quietly past the windows.]

Alan: That would be nice.

Evelyn: Rose, call Greenblatt’s and have them send over some soup. As a matter of fact, I’m famished. Order me… order me a turkey on rye, with maybe a little swiss. On second thought, delivery takes forever, would you care to join me for lunch?

Rose: Well, what about Alan?

Evelyn: We’ll have something sent back for him.

Rose: Okay.
Evelyn: So, what’s Charlie been up to?

Rose: Well, what do you know about revenge sex?

Evelyn: Quite a bit actually…

[They exit.]

Alan: [to himself] I’m still thirsty.

-----------------------------

[Alan is asleep on the couch. He jumps awake and sits up. He looks awful. Jake and Charlie are sitting in the kitchen eating dinner, when Alan walks in, wrapped in a blanket.]

Charlie: Hey, looking good.

[Alan says nothing, crosses to the sink, switches on the tap and leans down to drink. He laps at the water like a dog.]

Charlie: That’s not very hygienic. We wash dishes in that sink. Well, somebody does.

Alan: Did the chicken soup Mom sent over from Greenblatt’s ever show up?

[Charlie and Jake look at their bowls and then at each other.]

Charlie: Nope. [Hides the carton under the table.]

Jake: Uh-uh.

Charlie: Well, I’m glad you got some rest, because I have got great news.

Alan: There is no great news. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. There is no silver lining. There is just this hell on earth. And the slow wait for the sweet release of death. [He sits on the sofa.]

Charlie: Okay, let’s call it good news. The girl I’m going out with tonight needs a date for her sister.

Alan: Are you insane?

Charlie: No, but I hear the sister’s a bit of a freak.

Alan: Jake, Jake, go to your room.

Jake: If you want to talk about sex, why don’t you go to your room?

Alan: Now!
Jake: Fine. [Exits]

Alan: Charlie, first of all, I don’t want to talk about dating in front of my son while his mother and I are in the middle of a divorce.

Charlie: Okay, okay, that’s very caring and sensitive. Now let me tell you about Revenge Sex’s little sister, Casual.

Alan: Alright, even if I weren’t deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn’t go on a blind double date with you.

Charlie: Why not?

Alan: Summer of my junior year? The Seals and Crofts concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister, the Incredible Hulk?

Charlie: Oh yea, she really took a shine to you.

Alan: Sure did. “Sara like puny Alan.”

Charlie: Well you weren’t complaining when you were on her shoulders shouting “Summer Breeze!”

Alan: Forget it, Charlie, forget it.

Charlie: Alan, trust me. I’ve seen the sister. Her name is Desiree.

Alan: I don’t care what her name is!

Charlie: Desiree, Alan. That’s like desire with a “yay” at the end. She’s an actress on some soap opera.

Alan: Really, which one?

Charlie: I don’t know, The Bold and The Bulimic, or something.

[Jake enters.]

Jake: Are you guys done yet?

Charlie: Yea, we’re done. Now we’re gonna get your father back on his feet.

Jake: How?

Charlie: Well, would you like to go see a bunch of naked boobs?

Jake: Sure.

Alan: Charlie!

[Cut to the three of them in a sauna, wrapped in towels, surrounded by old men, wrapped in towels. Jake looks round at the men.]

Jake: This was a dirty trick, Uncle Charlie.

-------------------------------

[The sauna.]

Jake: So we just sit here and be hot?

Charlie: Yup.

Jake: This sucks.

[Alan makes a disgusting coughing noise.]

Charlie: That’s good, get it out now because most women hate that noise.

Alan: I’m not going on a date, Charlie.

Charlie: You don’t know that. I didn’t start this day thinking we’d all be sitting together bare-ass naked but here we are.

Jake: Hey, Dad, wanna hear a funny joke?

Alan: Sure, why not?

Jake: Okay, there’s a priest, a minister and a rabbit.

Charlie: It’s a rabbi, Jake.

Jake: Oh, yea, okay. A priest, a minister and a rabbi. I forgot the rest, I gotta go to the bathroom. [He gets up and goes to leave.]

Charlie: Wait, you know why they call this a European health spa? Because you’re a-peein’.

[Jake laughs and exits.]

Charlie: He’s gonna kill at school tomorrow.

Alan: Charlie, I’m not going on a date.

Charlie: Oh, come on, Alan. If you don’t do this then I’m not gonna get the revenge sex. And I really want the revenge sex, I really, really do.

Alan: I’m sorry, it’s not that I don’t appreciate you pimping me out on my deathbed, it’s just that I’m not ready to date.

Charlie: Not ready? Look, Alan, if you think you’re protecting Jake by living like a monk, you’re wrong. He needs to know that his father’s moving on with his life, that he’s happy.

Alan: It’s not about Jake. I haven’t been on a date since college.

Charlie: There’s nothing to worry about, just be yourself.

Alan: The one woman who knows me better than anyone else in the world threw me out. So “be yourself” is not exactly comforting advice.

Charlie: Good point. Okay, look at it this way. It took your wife 12 years to get sick of you. All we gotta do here is snow some broad for one night.

[Jake returns.]

Jake: Okay, a priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a barn.

Charlie: It’s a bar, Jake, not a barn. A bar.

Jake: It is? Now I get it, that’s funny! [laughs]

---------------------------

[Alan is sat at his desk, still wrapped in the blanket and drinking a beer. Charlie walks through the door, coughing.]

Charlie: Okay, I dropped Jake off at his mom’s and the girls should be here in a little while for drinks.

Alan: [points to a picture of a woman on his computer screen] Is this the sister? Desiree Barrington from The Young and The Restless?

Charlie: Yea.

Alan: You want me to go on a date with Desiree Barrington?

Charlie: Yea.

[Alan stares at him, then has a coughing fit.]

Alan: I’m healed, it’s a miracle.

Charlie: Attaboy. [starts coughing himself]

Alan: Are you okay?

Charlie: Yea, why?

Alan: Well, you’re coughing, you’re sweating… [Puts a hand on his forehead] Charlie, you’re burning up.

Charlie: No, your hand is freezing.

Alan: No, I think you’re coming down with what I’ve got.

Charlie: Don’t be ridiculous, I never get sick. Now listen, I made reservations at the Ivy. I figure we’ll take them out for an early dinner and then… [starts pulling faces and tugging his ear.]

Alan: And then what?

Charlie: Hang on a second.

[He goes out onto the deck and throws up over the balcony. Alan looks surprised. Charlie walks back in, wiping his mouth.]

Charlie: Anyway, we’ll take them to the Ivy…

--------------------------

[Charlie is on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket, sipping a green liquid. Alan walks in from the kitchen, wrapped in his blanket.]

Alan: Here, this’ll make you feel better. [He throws a wet towel over Charlie’s face.]

Charlie: [weakly] Thanks.

Alan: Okay, why don’t you go upstairs and change because we really want to look our best for our dates.

Charlie: What are you talking about? I’m not going on a date.

Alan: Yea, you are. Come on, Charlie, Desiree Barrington. Nominated for two Daytime Emmys. Named “Most Promising Ingenue” by Soap Opera Digest. She totally revitalised Young and The Restless. [Charlie looks at him] Occasionally I have lunch at my desk and watch a little TV.

Charlie: Tell Jake I loved him.

Alan: Please, Charlie, I was gonna suck it up for you.

Charlie: No, you weren’t.

Alan: Okay, you got me. Look, you helped me feel better and now I’ll help you.

Charlie: You want to help me, Alan? Find a gun and shoot me in the eye.

Alan: No, I was thinking I could give you a chiropractic adjustment.

Charlie: You could also do my hair, but what would be the point?

Alan: Chiropractics is not just about back ailments. It’s a holistic approach to wellness that includes unblocking pathways in the nervous system so that the body can heal itself.

[Charlie rolls his eyes and blows a raspberry.]

Alan: Excuse me? What is [repeats the noise]?

Charlie: Alan, I never told you this before but I guess now is as good a time as any. [grabs Alan’s blanket and pulls him closer.] I think what you do for a living is a total crock.

Alan: What?

Charlie: Don’t take it personally. [sits up] But you chiropractor guys are just masseuses without the happy endings, right?

Alan: You think I’m some kind of phony? That my profession is some kind of con?

Charlie: Well, let’s be honest. You only became a chiropractor because you couldn’t get into medical school.

Alan: I got into medical school! I just didn’t want to spend four years in Guadalajara.

Charlie: So instead you spent, what, two weeks at Back Snapper U?

Alan: It was two years. And since we’re being honest, let me tell you about what I think about what you do, Mr Jingle Writer. You’re not a musician, you’re a salesman. You know what you sell? Crap! Granny’s Big Fudge Nuggets? Maple Loops?

Charlie: Hey, hey, Maple Loops is part of a nutritious, balanced breakfast.

Alan: Yea, if you eat it with a steak and some broccoli. And let me tell you another thing, you had a shot at a real career. You could’ve played in great bands, you could’ve been a respected studio musician.

Charlie: Don’t you think I wanted that? I tried, Alan, and I failed. The truth is, if I hadn’t started writing jingles, I’d be playing faculty mixers at the Guadalajara Medical School.

Alan: Well, since you’re being honest, I guess I can admit I didn’t really get into Guadalajara.

Charlie: I guess neither of us is doing exactly what we dreamed about when we were kids.

Alan: I guess not.

Charlie: But, you know, we could be doing a lot worse.

Alan: Yes, we could. Excuse me.

[It is Alan’s turn to go out onto the balcony. He throws up and comes back inside.]

Alan: You know what’s nice though? This. Right now. Taking care of each other, like we did when we were kids.

Charlie: Well, no one else was gonna take care of us.

Alan: [puts an arm round Charlie] We were on our own.

Charlie: Yea. Dad was gone and Mum was… what are you doing?

[Alan has put a hand either side of Charlie’s head, and he snaps his neck to the left.]

Charlie: Hey!

Alan: How do you feel?

Charlie: Actually, a little better.

Alan: Ha, total crock, huh? Lay down, I’ll do your back.

Charlie: No, I’m fine, thanks.
Alan: No, really, it’ll help.

Charlie: I mean it, Alan, keep your hands away from me.

Alan: Oh come on, don’t be such a baby.

[Cut to outside. The girls are approaching the door and are about to press the doorbell, when they overhear the brothers talking.]

Charlie: I’m not a baby, I just don’t like a man touching me.

Alan: But it’ll feel good.

Charlie: I let you do it to me once, that was enough.

Alan: And you liked it, now come on, just let me finish the job and you’ll be ready for when the women get here.

[The girls shake their heads and run off. Inside, Alan is attacking Charlie from behind.]

Charlie: No.

Alan: Come on, just relax. [Car doors slam.] Wait, car doors. They’re here.

[They throw off their blankets.]

Charlie: How do I look?

Alan: [fiddles with Charlie’s hair.] Good, good. Me?

Charlie: [adjusts Alan’s t-shirt.] Very nice. Very nice.

Alan: Thank you.

[They stand and wait. Charlie coughs. They are sniffing and they look awful.]

------------------------------

[The boys are sat on the sofa, still looking awful, but dejected now as well. Alan drinks the green liquid, then passes the bottle to Charlie.]

Alan: Was that the doorbell?

Charlie: Alan, relax, chicks are always late.

Alan: I guess. What about that?

Charlie: What about what?

Alan: The doorbell.

Charlie: Alan, relax, chicks are always late.

Alan: I guess. Now, that was the doorbell.

 

 

Source : http://www.twiztv.com

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Au total, 9 membres ont visionné cet épisode ! Ci-dessous les derniers à l'avoir vu...

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