[Charlie and Alan are in the kitchen. Charlie is sitting at the table, drinking a beer and Alan is on the phone to Judith. He gets a beer out of the fridge.]
Alan: Well, Judith, you can’t have it both ways. [He gestures to Charlie that she’s talking a lot.] No, if you want to stay in that house and drive that car, then I have to live here to save money. No. I don’t agree that he’s a bad influence on Jake.
[Charlie indicates ‘who me’ as if he’s confused by the remark. Alan nods. Jake walks in behind them.]
Alan: Uh-huh.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, I understand the point spread but I’m still confused about the vig.
Charlie: Okay. Vig is short for vigorish and it means the percentage you pay to a bookie to take your bet.
Jake: So it’s better to be a bookie.
Charlie: Ah, my little boy is growing up.
Alan: Judith, Judith, hang on. I have got to stop you here, because right at this very moment, I am watching Charlie help Jake with math. [He signals to Jake to go back to the TV.] Well, go ahead and call your lawyers, but I think I am well within my rights here. Well, well, I don’t know what Jake is telling you about Charlie’s dates but he is a kid, and he blows things out of proportion. Well, if by nude swimming you mean she had no bathing suit on whatsoever then that never happened.
[Charlie flinches and indicates that it might have happened. Alan sighs.]
-------------------------
[Charlie is asleep. Berta comes into his room with the laundry basket. There are clothes all over the place. She starts collecting them.]
Berta: I can see the clothes hamper was a wise purchase.
Charlie: [waking up] Berta?
Berta: No, it’s Liz Hurley but I’m holding water.
Charlie: I’m still sleeping here, could you come back in a little while?
Berta: I could, or you could get your pampered ass out of bed and let me domy demeaning job and get on with my hellish life.
Charlie: Excuse me, Berta, but last time I checked, you work for me. So, I’ll get up when I’m good and ready.
[Berta stares at him for a moment, then whips the blankets away to strip the bed. Charlie gets up.]
Charlie: Sorry I had to pull rank on you.
[He goes to the bathroom. Berta follows him in.]
Charlie: Berta, for god’s sake!
Berta: Hey, do you want clean towels?
Charlie: But I’m trying to do something here.
Berta: So do it.
Charlie: Well, I can’t do it now. [They exit the bathroom, Berta carrying the towels.] Is something wrong? I mean, beyond the usual demeaning-job, hellish-life stuff?
Berta: Do you really want to know?
Charlie: No, but I’m up and my bed’s gone.
[They come down the stairs.]
Berta: Okay, so I told you about my daughter, right?
Charlie: You have a daughter?
Berta: I have three.
Charlie: Three? Wow. You gotta start learning to say no, little lady.
[He points a finger and Berta glares at him. They go into the kitchen, where Alan is making some coffee.]
Alan: Hey Berta. Morning. Now, you know, I hate to criticise, but the coffee filters you’ve been buying have chemicals in them… [Charlie is frantically waving behind Berta’s back for Alan to shut up.] …and I love it!
Berta: Get out of my way.
Alan: [steps aside] What’s wrong with her?
Charlie: Apparently she has children.
Berta: And one of them showed up last night and left her little girl who I have to drag with me everywhere because I can’t leave her alone in the house.
Alan: So you brought her here?
Berta: Yea. Is that gonna be a problem?
Charlie: No.
Alan: That’s wonderful.
Charlie: Happy to have her.
Alan: Yea.
Charlie: So where is she?
Berta: She’s playing with Jake.
Alan: Oh good, a little playmate for Jake. That’ll give him something to do for today.
Charlie: I just hope they’re quiet, cos I got a lot of work to do.
[Berta’s daughter, Prudence, enters the kitchen. She is a very grown up looking teenage girl, with shorts and a skimpy shirt on.]
Prudence: Nana, did you throw out my cigarettes again?
[Alan and Charlie turn and lay eyes on her.]
Alan: Dear God.
Charlie: Oh hell.
[Berta re-enters the kitchen.]
Berta: Prudence, you’re sixteen years old. You want to end up on a breathing machine like your Uncle Chick?
Prudence: Mom lets me smoke.
Berta: Oh, well, why didn’t you say so? No reason I shouldn’t trust the judgement of a woman who’s off selling bootleg Metallica t-shirts at a monster truck rally.
Charlie: Mom sounds like a real go-getter.
Prudence: So what am I supposed to do here all day?
Berta: You’re supposed to help me clean, that’s what. [hands her a bucket] Here. You can start with his toilet.
Alan: [gulps] Hi. I’m Alan.
Prudence: [flirty] Hi Alan. What kind of car do you drive?
Alan: A Volvo station wagon.
Prudence: [face falls. To Charlie] What do you got?
Charlie: I got nothing, not a damn thing!
Jake: [enters] Hey, Prudence, I set up my Xbox, you ready to play?
Prudence: Sure.
Berta: [off-screen] Get to work, Prudence!
Prudence: Maybe later, handsome. Stupid old woman. [She walks out.]
Jake: [smitten] Isn’t she wonderful? [follows after Prudence]
Alan: Dear God.
Charlie: Oh hell.
---------------------------------
[Prudence is washing the windows, out on the deck. She is doing it in a very provocative way. Charlie and Alan can’t help but watch her and are completely distracted.]
Charlie: Well, I’d better get started on that work… I have… to do.
Alan: Yea, I gotta, I gotta catch up on some paperwork that uh… has to do with the… the office.
Charlie: Oh yea… your job.
Alan: Yea.
Charlie: Your… chiropractor job.
Alan: Mm. Yea, and you’ll be what, you’ll be, er, writing a jingle?
Charlie: Yea. Potato chips. You know the… ones in the can.
Alan: Yea. [looks at Prudence.] I like those.
Charlie: Alright then. I’m gonna go over to the piano now.
Alan: Yea, and I’m gonna go to the… the… the kitchen and… yea.
[One last look at Prudence, and she squeezes the sponge over herself because she is hot. They go their respective ways. Charlie starts playing and Prudence notices. She knocks on the window and Charlie stops playing.]
Prudence: Hey, you play piano?
Charlie: [stupid question] Yes.
[He continues playing. Prudence comes inside, and Charlie starts hitting some wrong notes.]
Prudence: You’re pretty good.
Charlie: Thanks.
Prudence: Are you in a band?
Charlie: No.
Prudence: I used to go out with a bass player. He wrote this beautiful song for me called Dear Prudence.
Charlie: Yea, that sounds like something a bass player would do.
Prudence: You know, I’ve always wanted to play the piano. [She sits on the stool next to him.] Do you think you could teach me something?
Charlie: [stares, then gets up] Nope, nothing, not a damn thing.
Prudence: [follows him] So, do you have a girlfriend?
Charlie: Me? Oh yea, big time girlfriend. We’re practically engaged.
[Berta crosses through the room.]
Berta: Prudence, he’s old enough to be your father, and knowing your mother, he might be. Just wash the damn windows.
Charlie: I’m not your father.
Prudence: How do you stand her? She’s such a bitch.
Charlie: Oh, woah, don’t talk like that about your grandmother.
Prudence: Hey, you don’t know her. She’s all sweet and nice with you.
Charlie: Yea. She’s a real gumdrop. My point is, you’ve got to respect her because she loves you and I’ve seen her pick up the stove to vacuum under it.
[Rose knocks on the window and waves.]
Charlie: Oh, hey look. There’s Rose, my girlfriend. [opens the door] Come on in, baby.
Rose: Okay.
Charlie: Rose, this is Berta’s 16-year-old granddaughter Prudence. Prudence, this is my girlfriend who I’m free to take across state lines, Rose.
Rose: [nods] Oh.
[She turns and kisses Charlie on the lips. In the kitchen, Jake is sitting at the table.]
Jake: Wow, look at that kiss.
[Both Alan and Berta look up in horror.]
Berta/Alan: What?
Berta: Oh, thank god.
Jake: Berta, does Prudence have a boyfriend?
Berta: Oh honey, don’t get me started.
Jake: What does that mean?
Berta: It means if she gets a high school diploma before she gets a baby, she’ll be the first one in the family.
[Prudence enters and heads for the fridge.]
Prudence: I’m thirsty. What’s to drink?
Jake: The Cransylvania Goofy Juice is mine, but you can have one.
Prudence: Oh, thanks handsome. Is this beer for anybody?
Berta: Prudence, you’re 16.
Alan: You know, Prudence, the goofy juice has Vitamin C and calcium. It’s much better than beer for a growing body. [Prudence looks at him] Not that your body needs to grow. [Berta looks at him.] I’m done.
Jake: You know, Prudence, I’m the third fastest runner in my class.
Prudence: Cool!
Berta: Spring Break’s over. Back to work.
Prudence: Later stud. [she goes out on the deck.]
Jake: Boy, she smells good.
Berta: Yea, if you like Camel Filters and pheromones. I gotta do some grocery shopping for your brother. I’ll be back in a little while.
Alan: What about Prudence?
Berta: She’ll be fine, just keep her out of the liquor cabinet. Don’t do anything stupid or you’ll go to jail. [exits]
Jake: Why would you go to jail?
Alan: Well, that’s kind of complicated.
Jake: And why was Uncle Charlie kissing Rose?
Alan: Well, that was the…
Jake: And what are pherobones?
Alan: Ah, that one I know and it’s pronounced pheromones…
[Jake stops listening, turns his head and spots Prudence taking off her shirt to reveal a bikini top.]
Jake: Woah. Never mind. [goes out on the deck.]
--------------------------
[Prudence is painting her toenails on one of the sunloungers. Jake is talking to her.]
Jake: Wow, you’re really good at that.
Prudence: Thanks. I took some cosmetology courses. I figure I’ll be a beautician. Or a supermodel.
Jake: Cool. You want another Goofy juice?
Prudence: Aren’t you the sweetest?
[Jake takes the empty box from her and heads inside. But the door is shut and he walks straight into it and falls down. Alan, Charlie and Rose who are sat at the kitchen table all flinch.]
Charlie: That’s twice he’s done that.
Alan: You gotta admit, she did a nice job on those windows.
[Jake gets up, embarrassed, and smiles at Prudence. She smiles back at him. He heads inside.]
Alan: Jake, you need to get started on that book report.
Jake: [gets a juice box from the fridge.] But Prudence is thirsty.
Alan: I’ll take care of Prudence. [takes the juice] Come on, get going.
Jake: Man! [exits]
Alan: [studies the box] Charlie, you want to…
Charlie: Not a chance in hell.
Rose: [puts an arm around Charlie] Remember when you used to say that about us?
[Charlie looks worried. Alan goes out onto the deck. He tries to pass the juice box without actually looking at her.]
Alan: Here.
Prudence: Thanks. Where’s my little pal?
Alan: He has work to do, kind of like you.
Prudence: Are you gonna tell on me?
Alan: No, no, it was just… uh… just an observation. Just calling them as I see them. Glean from it what you will.
Prudence: What are you talking about?
Alan: I’m not really sure anymore. But I do want you to know that I understand how angry and powerless you feel. I mean, believe it or not, I was a teenager once too. And I can remember what it’s like to rebel against parental authority. Or in your case, grandparental authority.
Prudence: [shifts round and holds out sunscreen] Can you put some of this on my back?
Alan: No.
Prudence: If you don’t, I’ll burn.
Alan: If I do, I will.
------------------------
[The doorbell rings. Charlie gets it. It is Judith.]
Charlie: Oh, Judith, what a surprise.
Judith: Hello Charlie.
Charlie: [shuts the door halfway, concerned about Alan on the deck with Prudence] So… what’s new?
Judith: Where’s Jake?
Charlie: In his room, doing a book report.
Judith: Well, how can he do a book report when he left the book at my house? [holds up the book triumphantly]
Charlie: That little dickens. Trying to pull the wool over our eyes. [grabs the book] I’ll take care of this right now. Bye.
Judith: Charlie, I want to see Jake.
Charlie: Oh, sure. Hang on. [shuts the door, then shouts loudly so Alan will hear] Jake? Your mother’s here.
[Alan stands up, hurriedly. He runs inside, only bangs into the glass, just like Jake did. Charlie rolls his eyes. Alan comes inside and shuts the blinds, and Jake enters from his room.]
Jake: What?
Charlie: Your mom’s here. Talk to your mom. [opens the door] Here he is.
Jake: Hi Mom.
Judith: Hi sweetie, are you having a fun weekend?
Jake: Mm-hmm. You know Berta, Uncle Charlie’s housekeeper?
Charlie: Of course she knows her. Who doesn’t know Berta?
Jake: She brought her granddaughter over.
Charlie: Yea, sweet little kid.
Judith: That’s nice. Have you been playing with her?
Charlie: Oh yea. I mean, he has. Not me.
Alan: [out of breath] Hey Judith. What’s up?
Charlie: Well, it turns out this little rascal was pulling a fast one on us. Doing a book report, without the book.
Alan: Oh Jake. Alright, young man, you get to work right now.
[Jake starts to go back to his room.]
Charlie: Jake? [holds out the book]
Jake: Oh yea.
[He takes the book and exits.]
Alan: So, thank for stopping by. I guess I’ll er, I’ll see you when you come to pick him up.
Judith: What’s going on here?
Alan: [twitches] Nothing. What?
Rose: [enters from the kitchen] Oh, hi Judith. Did you hear the good news? Charlie and I are back together?
Judith: Oh really?
Charlie: Yep, that’s what’s going on here.
Judith: Well, just show a little discretion in front of my son, Charlie.
Charlie: Absolutely. You got that, Rose? Discretion.
Rose: Got it, Monkey Man. [she pinches him and he jumps.]
[Judith goes, Alan shuts the door behind her and collapses against it. He sinks down to the floor.]
Alan: I think I have a concussion.
--------------------------
[Alan is sat at the kitchen table with an ice pack against his forehead. He sips a drink. Charlie and Rose are at the table as well. Prudence and Jake enter.]
Jake: Thanks for helping me with my book report, Prudence.
Prudence: Oh, no problem. Fourth grade stuff is easy for me.
Berta: [Enters with a big bag on her shoulder] Should be. You did it twice. Let’s go before we miss the bus.
Prudence: Later, handsome.
All three men: Bye.
[They all sigh.]
Rose: So, what are we doing tonight sweetie?
Charlie: Rose, I really appreciate your help but you don’t have to pretend to be my girlfriend anymore.
Rose: [upset] Oh no. Are you pretending to break up with me?
---------------------------
[Darkness. The doorbell rings. Charlie comes down the stairs and switches the lights on.]
Charlie: [mutters] 2 o’clock in the morning. This better be God.
[He opens the door to Prudence, in a similar skimpy outfit as before, twirling her hair around her finger.]
Charlie: Oh, God.
Prudence: Hey.
Charlie: Prudence, what the hell are you doing here?
Prudence: I had a fight with my grandmother.
Charlie: So? When I have a fight with my grandmother, I don’t come to your house.
Prudence: I know, I’m sorry. I just didn’t know where else to go and I thought you were cool.
Charlie: Woah, look Prudence, this just can’t happen. I mean, you’re very nice and pretty, but in prison, so am I.
[A teenage boy walks in. He wears a heavy metal t-shirt, ID tags and has a hat on.]
Boy: Bitchin’ house, man. You should rent it to MTV.
Charlie: Who the hell are you?
[Alan enters warily, carrying his electric toothbrush.]
Alan: What’s going on?
Charlie: Put down the toothbrush, Alan, we’ve got bigger problems than gingivitis.
Alan: What’s she doing here? Who the hell is this?
Prudence: This is Freddie, my fiancé.
Freddie: ‘sup.
Alan: [annoyed] ‘sup? I’ll tell you what’s ‘sup. I’m s’up and I should be seeping. Sleeping. What’s going on here?
Prudence: Well, Freddie came over to announce our engagement and Nana threw him out.
Charlie: Really? She didn’t take a shine to Bazooka Joe here?
Freddie: You know, I’m kinda more of an acquired taste.
Prudence: So we just need a place to crash tonight because tomorrow we’re gonna go to Vegas and get married.
Alan: Oh, Prudence, that’s a terrible idea.
Charlie: Yea. If you leave right now, you can beat the traffic.
Prudence: We can’t go tonight. Freddie’s got to pick up his last pay check from the photomat.
Freddie: Yea. $218.
Charlie: I’ll give you $300 to leave right now.
Alan: Charlie, Charlie, we can’t let them go.
Charlie: Why not?
Alan: Because they’re stupid and they’ll die.
[Jake enters in his pyjamas.]
Jake: What’s going on?
Prudence: Hey, handsome.
Jake: Who’s he?
Prudence: This is Freddie, my fiancé.
Jake: You’re marrying him?
Prudence: Uh-huh. Freddie this is Jake.
Both: ‘sup.
[Rose enters in her pyjamas from the deck.]
Rose: Charlie, I saw the lights come on, is everything okay?
Charlie: Yea, Rose, everything’s fine.
Prudence: She’s your girlfriend but she doesn’t sleep here?
Rose: Yea, what’s up with that, Charlie?
[Berta and a tall woman, Prudence’s mother, appear in the doorway.]
Berta: I told you they’d be here.
Woman: Come here, you little snot bubble. [She grabs Freddie by the collar.] What do you think you’re doing with my baby girl?
Prudence: Mom, leave him alone, I love him.
Woman: Give me a break, Prudence, you’re 16 years old and your hormones are doing all your thinking for you. [sees Charlie and throws Freddie aside. Instant flirt mode.] Hi, you must be Charlie.
Charlie: Hi.
Berta: That’s it, we’re outta here.
Woman: But Mom…
Prudence: Grandma!
Berta: Oh, shut up, both of you.
Woman: Can I at least give him my number?
Berta: He’s got your number sweetheart.
[Freddie is left, looking awkward.]
Freddie: I guess I’ll take the couch.
[Freddie is ejected from the house, chased out by Rose.]
Freddie: Okay, I’m going.
Rose: Don’t you ever come back. [She goes back inside] Ready for bed, lamb chop? [She exits the house] It was worth a shot.
-------------------------
[Charlie and Alan are in the living room, waiting anxiously. Jake enters from his room.]
Jake: Is Mom here yet?
Alan: No, um, sit down a minute Jake, okay?
Jake: Did I do something wrong?
Charlie: No. No. We just want to talk.
Jake: Okay. What do you want to talk about?
Alan: Well, you know how I’ve always told you that you should always tell your parents the truth, no matter what?
Jake: Mm-hmm.
Charlie: Well, forget it.
Alan: Charlie. Jake, it’s just that… we’re just saying that a lot of things happened here this weekend and it’s not really necessary that your mother know about them.
Jake: So, you want me to lie?
Alan: No, no, it’s not really lying. Um… when a boy becomes a man…
[Jake shares a look with Charlie.]
Alan: …and that’s what you’re becoming. Right Charlie?
Charlie: Oh yea, a man.
Alan: He has to start protecting the women in his life from certain things.
Charlie: Like the truth.
Alan: Do you understand?
Jake: I think so. You don’t want Mom to know about Prudence and her boyfriend and everything.
Charlie: Good man. [They bang fists.]
[The doorbell rings. Alan answers it to Judith.]
Alan: Hi Judith.
Judith: Hello Alan. Charlie.
Charlie: Judith.
Judith: You ready to go sweetheart?
Jake: Yep.
Judith: So, how was your weekend?
Jake: Uncle Charlie says I don’t have to tell you.
[Judith glares at Charlie, so Alan hastily shuts the door.]
Source : https://www.twiztv.com
