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#115 : La fille qui avait un grain

 Charlie et Alan croisent dans un parking une jeune femme qui est en train de frapper contre une voiture avec une batte de base-ball. Alan veut partir mais Charlie est attirée par elle. Ils l'hébergent finalement pour la nuit. La jeune femme est assez mystérieuse. Charlie et Alan sont maintenant en concurrence pour la séduire.

 

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4 - 1 vote

Titre VO
Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick

Titre VF
La fille qui avait un grain

Première diffusion
09.02.2004

Plus de détails

 Écrit par: Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn

 Réalisé par: Andrew D. Weyman

 

Guest: Juliette Goglia (Joanie), Jenna Elfman (Frankie).

[An underground car park. The elevator dings and Charlie and Alan step out. Alan is feeling his face with one hand, and Charlie has an arm around him, guiding him.]

Charlie: There you go, watch your step.

Alan: [unable to pronounce properly] I can’t feel my face, Charlie.

Charlie: You just had two wisdom teeth pulled. [looks at his hand] Watch the drool. [Wipes it on Alan’s shirt.]

[A hot girl, kneeling on the roof of a car, swings a bat at the windscreen and it crashes. Charlie and Alan jump.]

Charlie: Woah.

Alan: Look at that.

[The girl jumps down from the roof of the car.]

Charlie: That is a very sexy woman.

Alan: I’m sorry, that arouses you?

Charlie: [to the girl] How you doing?

Girl: Hey. [takes another swing at the windscreen]

Alan: Charlie, walk away.

Charlie: Relax, this could be interesting. [to the woman] You got a nice swing.

Woman: Thanks. [Swings at the bonnet of the car.]

Charlie: Try stepping into it, you get more power that way.

Woman: You mean like this? [Takes a swing and knocks the wing mirror completely off]

Charlie: Oh yea. Dial one and the area code because that is long distance.

Alan: Charlie, let’s go. This woman is clearly a lunatic.

Charlie: Yea, but look at the passion, the fire… the ass. [to the woman] Is this your car?

Woman: Do I look crazy to you?

Alan: Well, frankly…

Charlie: So, who’s car is it? Cheating boyfriend?

Woman: No. Psychiatrist. [Swings at the back window. It smashes everywhere.]

Alan: Charlie, psychiatrist. What more do you need to hear?

Charlie: Hang on. [to the woman] So, you’re beating up your shrink’s car?

Woman: He said I have anger issues.

Charlie: The quack.

Woman: Then he hit on me.

Charlie: The horny quack.

Woman: Here, hold this for me. [hands Charlie the bat]

Charlie: Oh good, I’m on deck.

[The woman starts letting out the car’s tyres, and it hisses slowly.]

Woman: Oh man, this is gonna take forever. Either one of you guys got an ice pick?

Alan: Don’t cars like this usually have an alarm system?

[He kicks the car and the alarm starts.]

Woman: Thanks a lot.

Alan: Let’s get out of here Charlie.

Woman: Hey, you’re not just gonna leave me here, are you?

Charlie: No.

Alan: Yes.

Charlie: Alan.

Alan: Charlie.

[Cut to the car. Alan and Charlie are up front. The woman is in the back. She is leaning forward to talk to the guys.]

Woman: So, how come Mush Mouth gets shotgun?

--------------------------------------

[Where we left off. Alan still cannot talk properly.]

Woman: Damn shrink. Anti-depressants, tranquilisers, sleeping pills. You want any of these?

Charlie: No thanks.

Alan: No, I’m good.

Woman: Are you sure? Cos you seem a little edgy.

Alan: No, I’m a lot edgy.

[The woman rolls down Alan’s window and throws the pills out.]

Alan: Isn’t throwing that stuff on the road a little dangerous?

Woman: To who, racoons? They can’t get past the childproof cap. I gotta say, I really appreciate this, guys.

Charlie: No problem.

Alan: Big problem.

Woman: Frankie.

Charlie: Charlie.

Alan: Alan.

Frankie: Awan?

Alan: Not “Awan”, Alan. [but of course, he is still saying it Awan]

Frankie: [to Charlie] Is Awan a little slow?

Charlie: Yea. But I make up for it by being a little fast.

Frankie: I know your type.

Charlie: You do, huh?

Frankie: Yep. Don’t care for it particularly.

Alan: So, where can we drop you?

Frankie: Well, that’s the thing. I really don’t have anywhere to stay.

Alan: Why? Did you escape from some place?

Frankie: Oh great, pot shots from Spittle Boy. [Alan hastily checks his chin] And if you must know, I’m having family problems. Charlie, you wouldn’t happen to know of a place I could crash tonight, would you?

[Charlie looks at Alan and smiles.]

Alan: Oh crap.

------------------------------------------

[Charlie opens the front door and everyone walks inside.]

Charlie: Here we are, Chez Charlie.

Frankie: Great house. Oh wow, you’re right on the beach. [takes her shoes off] I have got to go for a swim.

[She heads out onto the deck, taking off her clothes as she goes. The boys watch.]

Alan: [tugging Charlie’s arm] Charlie, Charlie. She’s taking her clothes off.

Charlie: Yea. Is this a great country or what?

[Rose and Jake enter from the kitchen. Rose is pushing Jake in a wheely chair, Jake is wrapped up in some kind of grey sheet.]

Jake: Hi Dad, hey Uncle Charlie.

Rose: Hi guys.

Alan: Rose, what are you doing?

Rose: We’re playing Mummy on a Chair.
Jake: I’m the Mummy.

[The doorbell rings. Alan answers it to Judith.]

Alan: Judith, hi.

Judith: Is Jake ready to go?

Alan: Hang on. Jake, your mom’s here. Uh, Charlie, why don’t you go out on the deck and keep an eye out for approaching squalls.

Charlie: I’m on it.

[Charlie heads out. Judith watches him go, then looks at Alan suspiciously.]

Alan: It’s squall season.

[Jake jumps through from the kitchen, still tangled up in the sheet.]

Jake: Hi Mom.

Judith: Hi sweetheart. What is he doing?

Alan: He’s playing Mummy on a Chair.

Judith: Where’s the chair?

Alan: I don’t know the rules, Judith.

[Cut to Charlie out on the deck. Rose enters from the kitchen.]

Charlie: Hey Rose, thanks for babysitting.

Rose: Oh no problem, we had fun.

Charlie: Good.

Rose: So who’s the naked lady?

Charlie: Not really sure. She was trashing a car with a baseball bat when we left the dentist’s office, and you know, one thing kinda led to another.

Rose: So, you met cute, that’s nice. But you know, you may want to be careful with a girl like that, Charlie. One day it’s baseball bats and windshields, the next day you wake up with your testicles superglued to your thigh.

Charlie: Point taken.

Rose: I’m sorry about that, by the way.

Charlie: Water under the bridge. [Looks off, remembering the pain.]

[Cut to Alan and Judith.]

Alan: Hurry up Jake, your mother’s waiting.

Judith: Remember, I’m bringing him back tomorrow night, so I can see my parents. Why is there a woman’s shoe on your floor?

Alan: Oh, well, um, uh, apparently, Mommy on a Chair is a very complex game.

[Jake enters, without the sheet, and with his bag on his back.]

Jake: Bye Dad.

Alan: See you pal.

Judith: Tell your brother he’s a pig.

Alan: [as he shuts the door] I’ll leave a note on the fridge.

[Charlie and Frankie enter from the deck. Frankie is wrapped in a towel.]

Frankie: God, I needed that.

Charlie: Me too.

Frankie: It’s like all my insanity and rage have just been washed away.

Charlie: That’s good, because you know, all your drugs are on the Coast Highway.

Frankie: So, where can I take a nice hot shower?

[Alan and Charlie look at each other.]


Frankie: [smirking] I said where, not with whom. [Alan and Charlie point] You guys are so cute.

Charlie: Right back at you.

[Frankie exits.]

Alan: Good, Charlie, keep hitting on the deranged woman. While you’re at it, why don’t you try humping a bear trap?

Charlie: Alan, open your eyes. That is an intriguing and exciting woman. A rare and magnificent jewel.

Alan: She’s hot and you’re horny.

Charlie: I’m saying.

----------------------------------

[Charlie, Alan and Frankie are at the kitchen table, about to eat a meal.]

Frankie: Mmm, I just love warm sake.

Charlie: Me too. Tora, tora, tora! [they clink glasses and drink]

Alan: You know, Frankie, there are many fine hotels in the area.

Frankie: I can’t stay in a hotel.

Alan: Why not?

Frankie: Wow. That is a very good question. [She makes no attempt to answer it.]

Alan: [looks at Charlie who shrugs] So… where are you from?

Frankie: Guess.

Alan: I wouldn’t know where to begin.

Frankie: Okay. [Again, Charlie and Alan share a look.] Here I am yakking about myself, what about you guys? Alan, what do you do?

Alan: Oh wow, good question. Guess. How about that?

Charlie: Alan, don’t be childish.

Alan: She started it.

Charlie: He’s a chiropractor.

Frankie: Really? That’s terrific. I have so much respect for what you guys do.

Alan: Seriously?

Frankie: Yea.

Alan: Well, thank you. See that Charlie? My brother thinks I’m just a glorified masseuse.

Charlie: I never said glorified.

Frankie: Charlie, you are so wrong. Chiropractors are like angels of healing. [grabs Alan’s hand] These hands have amazing powers to bring relief and even pleasure.

Charlie: [indicating his own hands] Hey, these aren’t exactly hooks.

Alan: So, do you get regular chiropractic work?

Frankie: Are you kidding? Once a week. In fact, I’m in desperate need of an adjustment right now.

Alan: Let me get my table, I will fix you up.

Frankie: Awesome. Do you want me with clothes or without?

[They exit the kitchen, and Charlie watches them go - confounded.]

----------------------------------

[Frankie is lying on the bed, talking on the phone.]

Frankie: [on phone] Are they looking for me? You didn't say anything, did you? [Someone knocks on the door] I gotta go, I love you. See you soon. [hangs up] Come in.

[Charlie enters]

Charlie: Hey.

Frankie: Hi.

Charlie: I was just gonna go to bed and wanted to check if you needed anything... towels... sheets... [pulls out a bottle] vodka?

Frankie: No, I'm great, thanks. Alan got me totally jelled out with that adjustment. Man, you are so lucky to have him right here in this house.

Charlie: Yea, I'm living a dream. So, listen, if you need to talk to somebody about, you know, anything, I'm here.

Frankie: [nods] I see that.

Charlie: Okay then. [begins to back away]

Frankie: Hey, Charlie?

Charlie: Yea?

Frankie: I think you're a really cool guy.

Charlie: Yea.

Frankie: But I'm not gonna have sex with you.

Charlie: Ever?

Frankie: Night Charlie.

Charlie: Night. [exits and shuts the door behind him] Okay. Round one to the hot, crazy chick.

----------------------------------

[Alan is serving pancakes for breakfast. Frankie is sat at the table.]

Frankie: Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes. If you had a TV on your forehead and could breathe through your ears, you'd be perfect.

Alan: [stares at her, then chooses to ignore it] So, uh, nobody makes you pancakes where you live? Not your husband? [Frankie doesn't answer] Boyfriend? [Again no answer] Girlfriend? Mother, father, grandma, cellmate? [Frankie just smiles]

[Charlie comes down the stairs, sorting his hair out.]

Charlie: [checks his breath] Round two, ding. [Enters the kitchen] Morning Frankie.

Frankie: Morning Charlie.

Alan: Morning.

Charlie: Yea. [pours himself some coffee] So, Frankie, boy, that is a pretty name. How did you sleep?

Frankie: Great. Except I had this wild erotic dream and I woke up all drenched in sweat. Could you pass the syrup?

Charlie/Alan: [eager to please] Sure, yea. [Alan passes the syrup]

Frankie: Thanks sweetie. You're a doll. [Alan smiles, Charlie glares] You know, I can't thank you guys enough for letting me stay here last night. I just wish there was someway I could repay you.

Alan: Well, for a start you could tell us something about yourself. Anything really.

Charlie: I wouldn't mind hearing more about that dream.

Frankie: Alright, I guess I can trust you guys. [checks behind her, then shifts her chair closer to the guys] Charlie, Alan. I know this may sound totally crazy but I work for a secret government agency and my current mission is... [bursts out laughing] I'm sorry, you should see your faces. You guys are so easy. Alright, I'm gonna go take a bath. Who wants to scrub my back? [The guys look up] Too late!! [exits] Sometimes I just crack me up.

Alan: So, what have you got going for today?

Charlie: Nothing, I was just gonna hang around the house.

Alan: Yea, me too.

Charlie: No work? No errands.

Alan: Not a thing.

Charlie: Maybe you could see a movie.

Alan: I've seen a movie.

Charlie: Come on Alan, why are you doing this?

Alan: Doing what?

Charlie: Why don't you just admit you're interested in Frankie?

Alan: I'm not.

Charlie: You're not?

Alan: Honest to God.

Charlie: Fine. [picks up the newspaper]

Alan: But hypothetically, if I were interested in her, would you care?

Charlie: Of course I would. You're my brother, I don't want to see you get your feelings hurt.

Alan: Ah-ha. So, you just assume that if we're both interested in the same woman, you would come out on top.

[Charlie flips through the paper.]

Alan: Aren't you going to say anything?

Charlie: What? There was no question there.

Alan: God, you are such an arrogant jerk.

Charlie: See, your feelings are hurt.

Alan: My feelings are fine. I think the real issue here is Frankie clearly likes me better and it's driving you crazy.

Charlie: No, no. What's driving me crazy is that you fought tooth and nail to keep the lunatic out of this house, but now that she's here, you want her.

Alan: I never said I wanted her.

Charlie: But you think that if you did want her you could have her, even if I wanted her too. [Alan stares] Aren't you gonna say something?

Alan: There was no question there.

Charlie: Okay, fine. Take your best shot. Let me just give you a little heads up. I am way out in front.

Alan: Oh yea, how do you figure?

Charlie: Frankie and I have already discussed having sex.

[Charlie exits.]

-------------------------------

[Charlie is playing the piano. Alan walks through from the kitchen carrying some towels.]

Charlie: [stops playing] What are you doing?

Alan: I just thought Frankie might like some fresh towels.

Charlie: I already gave her fresh towels.

Alan: Really? Well aren't you Towelly Towllerson all of a sudden? [heads back towards the kitchen]

Charlie: [stands up from the piano] You know Alan, it's not my fault.

Alan: What's not your fault?

Charlie: That I've always been more successful with women than you.

Alan: Have been, Charlie, have been. We're not teenagers anymore. Your bad boy act just might be wearing just a little thin.

Charlie: Or you just might be a little jealous.

Alan: Jealous? [laughs that turns into a snort]

Charlie: Don't [repeats the snort] me.

[Frankie enters behind them.]

Alan: Hey, when the occasion calls for [the snort] I have every right to [snort]

[Charlie blows his tongue at Alan, who retaliates with the snort. They do this a few times, before Frankie steps in with an elephant noise and waving her arm like a trunk. Charlie and Alan stop and look at her.]

Frankie: What? I thought we were doing funny noises. That was an elephant.

Charlie: Oh yea, elephant.

Alan: It was good, yea, really good.

Frankie: Anyway, I'm ready to go, can one of you guys give me a ride?

Charlie: Absolutely.

Alan: Sure.

Frankie: Great. Who's driving?

Charlie: Me.

Alan: I will.

Charlie: I've got the Jag.

Alan: I've got the Volv...o.

Charlie: Mine's faster.

Alan: Mine's safer.

Charlie: Alan, stop competing with me.

Alan: Why don't you stop competing with me?

Charlie: Why should I stop? I'm winning.

Alan: Like hell you are.

Charlie: Like hell I am. Ask Frankie.

Alan: Why don't you ask Frankie?

Charlie: I don't need to ask Frankie.

Alan: What are you afraid of?

Charlie: I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard I'm gonna be an only child.

Alan: Yea?

Charlie: Bring it on.

Frankie: Hey, hey, hey, stop it! What is wrong with you two? You're family, you're brothers. Do you understand how precious that is? Do you have a clue how painful it is when a family rips itself apart and there is no-one to replace them? I mean, that's it, you know, you are all alone in the world... [starts to cry] and it's just horrible.

Alan: [awkward] It's okay, it's okay.

Charlie: Yea, look, we're not fighting.

Alan: Yea, we love each other. [steps across and puts his arm around Charlie] See? Yea, and it doesn't matter who drives, you know, we'll both come.

Frankie: [instantly stops crying] Good, let's go.

---------------------------------

[Charlie's Jag pulls up outside a huge house.]

Charlie: Nice house.

Frankie: Alright, I just gotta pick up a few things and then I was hoping you could take me to the train station.

Alan: The train station? Where are you going?

Frankie: I don't know. I will figure something out.

Charlie: Well, if it helps any, you're welcome to stay with us for a couple more days.

Frankie: Oh, I couldn't impose.

Alan: It's no imposition.

Charlie: Yea, we like having you.

Frankie: Are you sure?

Charlie: Yea, it's settled. You're staying with us.

Frankie: Man, how much do I love you guys? [she kisses each of them on the cheek, Charlie first.] I'll be right back.

[Pushes Alan's seat forward so she can get out, with Alan still there. He gets squashed to the dashboard until she is gone. Charlie watches her go.]

Charlie: What a nice girl.

Alan: Yea. Of course, we still don't know a damn thing about her.

Charlie: True, although that is one big-ass house she lives in. [squints] Or is robbing.

Alan: [laughs] That would make us the duped getaway drivers.

Charlie: Moron accessories to grand theft.

Alan: That's a major felony.

Charlie: Yea, hard time.

[They both stop laughing and look at each other.]

Alan: I can't do hard time, Charlie. I have allergies.

Charlie: Yea, that's gonna be your biggest problem.

[The door opens and Frankie gets in... with a little girl.]

Frankie: Watch your head sweetheart.

Girl: Hi.

Alan: Hi.

Girl: I'm Joanie.

Alan: Hi.

Frankie: Okay, we can go now.

Joanie: Where are we going Mommy?

Frankie: We are going to Charlie and Alan's house, hon. It's a wonderful place where those awful people will never find us.

Charlie: [to Alan] You were right. We should have taken the Volvo.

[The car drives away, and the screen shows "To Be Continued"]

 

 

Source : http://www.twiztv.com

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