Épisode La fille qui avait un grain S01E15 - Two And A Half Men Saison 1

[An underground car park. The elevator dings and Charlie and Alan step out. Alan is feeling his face with one hand, and Charlie has an arm around him, guiding him.]

Charlie: There you go, watch your step.

Alan: [unable to pronounce properly] I can’t feel my face, Charlie.

Charlie: You just had two wisdom teeth pulled. [looks at his hand] Watch the drool. [Wipes it on Alan’s shirt.]

[A hot girl, kneeling on the roof of a car, swings a bat at the windscreen and it crashes. Charlie and Alan jump.]

Charlie: Woah.

Alan: Look at that.

[The girl jumps down from the roof of the car.]

Charlie: That is a very sexy woman.

Alan: I’m sorry, that arouses you?

Charlie: [to the girl] How you doing?

Girl: Hey. [takes another swing at the windscreen]

Alan: Charlie, walk away.

Charlie: Relax, this could be interesting. [to the woman] You got a nice swing.

Woman: Thanks. [Swings at the bonnet of the car.]

Charlie: Try stepping into it, you get more power that way.

Woman: You mean like this? [Takes a swing and knocks the wing mirror completely off]

Charlie: Oh yea. Dial one and the area code because that is long distance.

Alan: Charlie, let’s go. This woman is clearly a lunatic.

Charlie: Yea, but look at the passion, the fire… the ass. [to the woman] Is this your car?

Woman: Do I look crazy to you?

Alan: Well, frankly…

Charlie: So, who’s car is it? Cheating boyfriend?

Woman: No. Psychiatrist. [Swings at the back window. It smashes everywhere.]

Alan: Charlie, psychiatrist. What more do you need to hear?

Charlie: Hang on. [to the woman] So, you’re beating up your shrink’s car?

Woman: He said I have anger issues.

Charlie: The quack.

Woman: Then he hit on me.

Charlie: The horny quack.

Woman: Here, hold this for me. [hands Charlie the bat]

Charlie: Oh good, I’m on deck.

[The woman starts letting out the car’s tyres, and it hisses slowly.]

Woman: Oh man, this is gonna take forever. Either one of you guys got an ice pick?

Alan: Don’t cars like this usually have an alarm system?

[He kicks the car and the alarm starts.]

Woman: Thanks a lot.

Alan: Let’s get out of here Charlie.

Woman: Hey, you’re not just gonna leave me here, are you?

Charlie: No.

Alan: Yes.

Charlie: Alan.

Alan: Charlie.

[Cut to the car. Alan and Charlie are up front. The woman is in the back. She is leaning forward to talk to the guys.]

Woman: So, how come Mush Mouth gets shotgun?

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[Where we left off. Alan still cannot talk properly.]

Woman: Damn shrink. Anti-depressants, tranquilisers, sleeping pills. You want any of these?

Charlie: No thanks.

Alan: No, I’m good.

Woman: Are you sure? Cos you seem a little edgy.

Alan: No, I’m a lot edgy.

[The woman rolls down Alan’s window and throws the pills out.]

Alan: Isn’t throwing that stuff on the road a little dangerous?

Woman: To who, racoons? They can’t get past the childproof cap. I gotta say, I really appreciate this, guys.

Charlie: No problem.

Alan: Big problem.

Woman: Frankie.

Charlie: Charlie.

Alan: Alan.

Frankie: Awan?

Alan: Not “Awan”, Alan. [but of course, he is still saying it Awan]

Frankie: [to Charlie] Is Awan a little slow?

Charlie: Yea. But I make up for it by being a little fast.

Frankie: I know your type.

Charlie: You do, huh?

Frankie: Yep. Don’t care for it particularly.

Alan: So, where can we drop you?

Frankie: Well, that’s the thing. I really don’t have anywhere to stay.

Alan: Why? Did you escape from some place?

Frankie: Oh great, pot shots from Spittle Boy. [Alan hastily checks his chin] And if you must know, I’m having family problems. Charlie, you wouldn’t happen to know of a place I could crash tonight, would you?

[Charlie looks at Alan and smiles.]

Alan: Oh crap.

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[Charlie opens the front door and everyone walks inside.]

Charlie: Here we are, Chez Charlie.

Frankie: Great house. Oh wow, you’re right on the beach. [takes her shoes off] I have got to go for a swim.

[She heads out onto the deck, taking off her clothes as she goes. The boys watch.]

Alan: [tugging Charlie’s arm] Charlie, Charlie. She’s taking her clothes off.

Charlie: Yea. Is this a great country or what?

[Rose and Jake enter from the kitchen. Rose is pushing Jake in a wheely chair, Jake is wrapped up in some kind of grey sheet.]

Jake: Hi Dad, hey Uncle Charlie.

Rose: Hi guys.

Alan: Rose, what are you doing?

Rose: We’re playing Mummy on a Chair.
Jake: I’m the Mummy.

[The doorbell rings. Alan answers it to Judith.]

Alan: Judith, hi.

Judith: Is Jake ready to go?

Alan: Hang on. Jake, your mom’s here. Uh, Charlie, why don’t you go out on the deck and keep an eye out for approaching squalls.

Charlie: I’m on it.

[Charlie heads out. Judith watches him go, then looks at Alan suspiciously.]

Alan: It’s squall season.

[Jake jumps through from the kitchen, still tangled up in the sheet.]

Jake: Hi Mom.

Judith: Hi sweetheart. What is he doing?

Alan: He’s playing Mummy on a Chair.

Judith: Where’s the chair?

Alan: I don’t know the rules, Judith.

[Cut to Charlie out on the deck. Rose enters from the kitchen.]

Charlie: Hey Rose, thanks for babysitting.

Rose: Oh no problem, we had fun.

Charlie: Good.

Rose: So who’s the naked lady?

Charlie: Not really sure. She was trashing a car with a baseball bat when we left the dentist’s office, and you know, one thing kinda led to another.

Rose: So, you met cute, that’s nice. But you know, you may want to be careful with a girl like that, Charlie. One day it’s baseball bats and windshields, the next day you wake up with your testicles superglued to your thigh.

Charlie: Point taken.

Rose: I’m sorry about that, by the way.

Charlie: Water under the bridge. [Looks off, remembering the pain.]

[Cut to Alan and Judith.]

Alan: Hurry up Jake, your mother’s waiting.

Judith: Remember, I’m bringing him back tomorrow night, so I can see my parents. Why is there a woman’s shoe on your floor?

Alan: Oh, well, um, uh, apparently, Mommy on a Chair is a very complex game.

[Jake enters, without the sheet, and with his bag on his back.]

Jake: Bye Dad.

Alan: See you pal.

Judith: Tell your brother he’s a pig.

Alan: [as he shuts the door] I’ll leave a note on the fridge.

[Charlie and Frankie enter from the deck. Frankie is wrapped in a towel.]

Frankie: God, I needed that.

Charlie: Me too.

Frankie: It’s like all my insanity and rage have just been washed away.

Charlie: That’s good, because you know, all your drugs are on the Coast Highway.

Frankie: So, where can I take a nice hot shower?

[Alan and Charlie look at each other.]

Frankie: [smirking] I said where, not with whom. [Alan and Charlie point] You guys are so cute.

Charlie: Right back at you.

[Frankie exits.]

Alan: Good, Charlie, keep hitting on the deranged woman. While you’re at it, why don’t you try humping a bear trap?

Charlie: Alan, open your eyes. That is an intriguing and exciting woman. A rare and magnificent jewel.

Alan: She’s hot and you’re horny.

Charlie: I’m saying.

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[Charlie, Alan and Frankie are at the kitchen table, about to eat a meal.]

Frankie: Mmm, I just love warm sake.

Charlie: Me too. Tora, tora, tora! [they clink glasses and drink]

Alan: You know, Frankie, there are many fine hotels in the area.

Frankie: I can’t stay in a hotel.

Alan: Why not?

Frankie: Wow. That is a very good question. [She makes no attempt to answer it.]

Alan: [looks at Charlie who shrugs] So… where are you from?

Frankie: Guess.

Alan: I wouldn’t know where to begin.

Frankie: Okay. [Again, Charlie and Alan share a look.] Here I am yakking about myself, what about you guys? Alan, what do you do?

Alan: Oh wow, good question. Guess. How about that?

Charlie: Alan, don’t be childish.

Alan: She started it.

Charlie: He’s a chiropractor.

Frankie: Really? That’s terrific. I have so much respect for what you guys do.

Alan: Seriously?

Frankie: Yea.

Alan: Well, thank you. See that Charlie? My brother thinks I’m just a glorified masseuse.

Charlie: I never said glorified.

Frankie: Charlie, you are so wrong. Chiropractors are like angels of healing. [grabs Alan’s hand] These hands have amazing powers to bring relief and even pleasure.

Charlie: [indicating his own hands] Hey, these aren’t exactly hooks.

Alan: So, do you get regular chiropractic work?

Frankie: Are you kidding? Once a week. In fact, I’m in desperate need of an adjustment right now.

Alan: Let me get my table, I will fix you up.

Frankie: Awesome. Do you want me with clothes or without?

[They exit the kitchen, and Charlie watches them go - confounded.]

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[Frankie is lying on the bed, talking on the phone.]

Frankie: [on phone] Are they looking for me? You didn't say anything, did you? [Someone knocks on the door] I gotta go, I love you. See you soon. [hangs up] Come in.

[Charlie enters]

Charlie: Hey.

Frankie: Hi.

Charlie: I was just gonna go to bed and wanted to check if you needed anything... towels... sheets... [pulls out a bottle] vodka?

Frankie: No, I'm great, thanks. Alan got me totally jelled out with that adjustment. Man, you are so lucky to have him right here in this house.

Charlie: Yea, I'm living a dream. So, listen, if you need to talk to somebody about, you know, anything, I'm here.

Frankie: [nods] I see that.

Charlie: Okay then. [begins to back away]

Frankie: Hey, Charlie?

Charlie: Yea?

Frankie: I think you're a really cool guy.

Charlie: Yea.

Frankie: But I'm not gonna have sex with you.

Charlie: Ever?

Frankie: Night Charlie.

Charlie: Night. [exits and shuts the door behind him] Okay. Round one to the hot, crazy chick.

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[Alan is serving pancakes for breakfast. Frankie is sat at the table.]

Frankie: Man, deep tissue massage, pancakes. If you had a TV on your forehead and could breathe through your ears, you'd be perfect.

Alan: [stares at her, then chooses to ignore it] So, uh, nobody makes you pancakes where you live? Not your husband? [Frankie doesn't answer] Boyfriend? [Again no answer] Girlfriend? Mother, father, grandma, cellmate? [Frankie just smiles]

[Charlie comes down the stairs, sorting his hair out.]

Charlie: [checks his breath] Round two, ding. [Enters the kitchen] Morning Frankie.

Frankie: Morning Charlie.

Alan: Morning.

Charlie: Yea. [pours himself some coffee] So, Frankie, boy, that is a pretty name. How did you sleep?

Frankie: Great. Except I had this wild erotic dream and I woke up all drenched in sweat. Could you pass the syrup?

Charlie/Alan: [eager to please] Sure, yea. [Alan passes the syrup]

Frankie: Thanks sweetie. You're a doll. [Alan smiles, Charlie glares] You know, I can't thank you guys enough for letting me stay here last night. I just wish there was someway I could repay you.

Alan: Well, for a start you could tell us something about yourself. Anything really.

Charlie: I wouldn't mind hearing more about that dream.

Frankie: Alright, I guess I can trust you guys. [checks behind her, then shifts her chair closer to the guys] Charlie, Alan. I know this may sound totally crazy but I work for a secret government agency and my current mission is... [bursts out laughing] I'm sorry, you should see your faces. You guys are so easy. Alright, I'm gonna go take a bath. Who wants to scrub my back? [The guys look up] Too late!! [exits] Sometimes I just crack me up.

Alan: So, what have you got going for today?

Charlie: Nothing, I was just gonna hang around the house.

Alan: Yea, me too.

Charlie: No work? No errands.

Alan: Not a thing.

Charlie: Maybe you could see a movie.

Alan: I've seen a movie.

Charlie: Come on Alan, why are you doing this?

Alan: Doing what?

Charlie: Why don't you just admit you're interested in Frankie?

Alan: I'm not.

Charlie: You're not?

Alan: Honest to God.

Charlie: Fine. [picks up the newspaper]

Alan: But hypothetically, if I were interested in her, would you care?

Charlie: Of course I would. You're my brother, I don't want to see you get your feelings hurt.

Alan: Ah-ha. So, you just assume that if we're both interested in the same woman, you would come out on top.

[Charlie flips through the paper.]

Alan: Aren't you going to say anything?

Charlie: What? There was no question there.

Alan: God, you are such an arrogant jerk.

Charlie: See, your feelings are hurt.

Alan: My feelings are fine. I think the real issue here is Frankie clearly likes me better and it's driving you crazy.

Charlie: No, no. What's driving me crazy is that you fought tooth and nail to keep the lunatic out of this house, but now that she's here, you want her.

Alan: I never said I wanted her.

Charlie: But you think that if you did want her you could have her, even if I wanted her too. [Alan stares] Aren't you gonna say something?

Alan: There was no question there.

Charlie: Okay, fine. Take your best shot. Let me just give you a little heads up. I am way out in front.

Alan: Oh yea, how do you figure?

Charlie: Frankie and I have already discussed having sex.

[Charlie exits.]

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[Charlie is playing the piano. Alan walks through from the kitchen carrying some towels.]

Charlie: [stops playing] What are you doing?

Alan: I just thought Frankie might like some fresh towels.

Charlie: I already gave her fresh towels.

Alan: Really? Well aren't you Towelly Towllerson all of a sudden? [heads back towards the kitchen]

Charlie: [stands up from the piano] You know Alan, it's not my fault.

Alan: What's not your fault?

Charlie: That I've always been more successful with women than you.

Alan: Have been, Charlie, have been. We're not teenagers anymore. Your bad boy act just might be wearing just a little thin.

Charlie: Or you just might be a little jealous.

Alan: Jealous? [laughs that turns into a snort]

Charlie: Don't [repeats the snort] me.

[Frankie enters behind them.]

Alan: Hey, when the occasion calls for [the snort] I have every right to [snort]

[Charlie blows his tongue at Alan, who retaliates with the snort. They do this a few times, before Frankie steps in with an elephant noise and waving her arm like a trunk. Charlie and Alan stop and look at her.]

Frankie: What? I thought we were doing funny noises. That was an elephant.

Charlie: Oh yea, elephant.

Alan: It was good, yea, really good.

Frankie: Anyway, I'm ready to go, can one of you guys give me a ride?

Charlie: Absolutely.

Alan: Sure.

Frankie: Great. Who's driving?

Charlie: Me.

Alan: I will.

Charlie: I've got the Jag.

Alan: I've got the Volv...o.

Charlie: Mine's faster.

Alan: Mine's safer.

Charlie: Alan, stop competing with me.

Alan: Why don't you stop competing with me?

Charlie: Why should I stop? I'm winning.

Alan: Like hell you are.

Charlie: Like hell I am. Ask Frankie.

Alan: Why don't you ask Frankie?

Charlie: I don't need to ask Frankie.

Alan: What are you afraid of?

Charlie: I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard I'm gonna be an only child.

Alan: Yea?

Charlie: Bring it on.

Frankie: Hey, hey, hey, stop it! What is wrong with you two? You're family, you're brothers. Do you understand how precious that is? Do you have a clue how painful it is when a family rips itself apart and there is no-one to replace them? I mean, that's it, you know, you are all alone in the world... [starts to cry] and it's just horrible.

Alan: [awkward] It's okay, it's okay.

Charlie: Yea, look, we're not fighting.

Alan: Yea, we love each other. [steps across and puts his arm around Charlie] See? Yea, and it doesn't matter who drives, you know, we'll both come.

Frankie: [instantly stops crying] Good, let's go.

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[Charlie's Jag pulls up outside a huge house.]

Charlie: Nice house.

Frankie: Alright, I just gotta pick up a few things and then I was hoping you could take me to the train station.

Alan: The train station? Where are you going?

Frankie: I don't know. I will figure something out.

Charlie: Well, if it helps any, you're welcome to stay with us for a couple more days.

Frankie: Oh, I couldn't impose.

Alan: It's no imposition.

Charlie: Yea, we like having you.

Frankie: Are you sure?

Charlie: Yea, it's settled. You're staying with us.

Frankie: Man, how much do I love you guys? [she kisses each of them on the cheek, Charlie first.] I'll be right back.

[Pushes Alan's seat forward so she can get out, with Alan still there. He gets squashed to the dashboard until she is gone. Charlie watches her go.]

Charlie: What a nice girl.

Alan: Yea. Of course, we still don't know a damn thing about her.

Charlie: True, although that is one big-ass house she lives in. [squints] Or is robbing.

Alan: [laughs] That would make us the duped getaway drivers.

Charlie: Moron accessories to grand theft.

Alan: That's a major felony.

Charlie: Yea, hard time.

[They both stop laughing and look at each other.]

Alan: I can't do hard time, Charlie. I have allergies.

Charlie: Yea, that's gonna be your biggest problem.

[The door opens and Frankie gets in... with a little girl.]

Frankie: Watch your head sweetheart.

Girl: Hi.

Alan: Hi.

Girl: I'm Joanie.

Alan: Hi.

Frankie: Okay, we can go now.

Joanie: Where are we going Mommy?

Frankie: We are going to Charlie and Alan's house, hon. It's a wonderful place where those awful people will never find us.

Charlie: [to Alan] You were right. We should have taken the Volvo.

[The car drives away, and the screen shows "To Be Continued"]

 

 

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