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#116 : Un échange de salive

 La jeune femme que Charlie et Alan ont hébergée pour la nuit, Frankie, ramène sa fille de 8 ans chez eux. Elle dévoile peu à peu ses secrets et son lourd passé familial.

 

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5 - 2 votes

Titre VO
That Was Saliva, Alan

Titre VF
Un échange de salive

Première diffusion
16.02.2004

Plus de détails

Écrit par: Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn.

Réalisé par: Andrew D. Weyman.

 

Guest: Juliette Goglia (Joanie), Jenna Elfman (Frankie).

[Continued from "Round One To The Hot, Crazy Chick"]

[In the car.]

Alan: So, Frankie, why didn't you tell us you had a daughter?

Frankie: Okay guys, here's the deal. I didn't want you to know.

Charlie: Okay, I feel better.

Frankie: I'm sorry, it's a long story.

Charlie: We got time. I'm not doing anything. Alan, are you doing anything?

Alan: No, I'm free.

Joanie: I was staying with my grandma and grandpa who are really rich and they don't want my mom to have me, so they said she's crazy.

Charlie: That wasn't so long.

Frankie: Can we please talk about this later?

Alan: Okay, what shall we talk about?

Joanie: Are you guys gay?

Frankie: [laughs] Isn't she something?

--------------------------------------

[Charlie leads the gang into his house.]

Charlie: Okay, here we are. [to Frankie] This is it, right? One kid, no pets?

Frankie: As far as I know.

Joanie: Wow. Can I go look at the ocean?

Frankie: Sure, just stay on the deck.

[Joanie runs outside.]

Frankie: Okay, who has the first question?

[Charlie and Alan both raise their hands.]

Frankie: Alan?

Alan: Thank you. Um, what the hell is going on?

Charlie: Good one.

Frankie: Here it is. I married a really rich guy, and his parents always hated me. I don't know, maybe it was because when we met he was on the road to becoming a US Congressman and I was just, you know, on the road. [looks around, then calls] Joanie, get off the railing. [puts her bag down] Anyway, they were not happy when we got married and they were even less happy when we used part of his rust fund to finance my recording career.

Charlie: You're a singer?

Frankie: Well, as it turns out, no. But um, then two years ago Brad died, and ever since, his parents have been trying to take Joanie away from me.

Alan: So the psychiatrist?

Frankie: Court ordered. They're suing me for custody, saying I'm an unfit parent.

Alan: Unfit how?

Frankie: You know... [gestures being crazy]

Charlie: I'm not a lawyer, but taking a baseball bat to the shrink's Beamer might not have helped your case.

Frankie: Yea, they'll probably spin that one in their favour. But I was screwed anyway, because they were paying him to make me look bad.

Alan: That's horrible.

Charlie: So what are your plans now?

Frankie: I don't know. I didn't think past just getting her out of there.

Alan: You know, you don't have to know. You can just stay here for a while and figure it out. Right, right Charlie?

Charlie: Absolutely.

Frankie: Thank you. That'd be great. I'll go tell Joanie. [exits to the deck.]

Charlie: Terrific. We're happy to have you. [to Alan] Okay, we got to get her out of here.

Alan: Charlie, she needs us.

Charlie: She doesn't need us. She needs a lawyer and probably a new shrink.

Alan: Well, then we'll get her those.

Charlie: Okay, at this point I think I'd like to stop using the word "we".

Alan: Oh, you're gonna bail on her? Two days ago you couldn't wait to get her into bed.

Charlie: That's because two days ago she was just a crazy stranger. If I remember correctly, you couldn't wait to get rid of her.

Alan: Yes, because she was a crazy stranger. But now I've gotten to know her and I want her to stay.

Charlie: Alright Alan, but I'm warning you. This girl's got a lot of baggage. I don't know if you have enough sky cabs to get her to the curb. [goes to the kitchen]

Alan: [frowns] What? [follows Charlie]

-----------------------------------

[Joanie and Charlie are sat at the table, having lunch. Alan is pottering around.]

Alan: So, Joanie, what grade are you in?

Joanie: Second.

Alan: Oh really? I have a little boy who's in fourth.

Joanie: So?

Alan: I don't know, I thought it's be germane to the conversation.

Charlie: Wow, doesn't matter how old they are, you still strike out. [to Joanie] You know, Joanie, you are just as pretty as your mom.

Joanie: So?

Alan: I bow to the master.

[Cut to Frankie in the main room, on the phone.]

Frankie: [on phone] Hold on, let me finish.

[A knock at the door, Frankie goes to answer it.]

Frankie: Alright, I'm gonna say this one more time real slow so there's no confusion.

[Frankie opens the door to Judith and Jake.]

Frankie: [on phone] You can take your damn money, and stick it up your "white bread, country club, Tournament of Roses, liposuctioned" ass. [to Judith] Hi.

Judith: Hi.

Frankie: [on phone] Really, I'm garbage?

Judith: Uh, is Alan here?

Frankie: [whispers] Yea, [points to the kitchen. On the phone] Really, is that right? Well, I got news for you lady, the term is white trash.

Judith: [on their way to the kitchen] Do you know her?

Jake: No, that's a new one. [in the kitchen] Hi Dad.

Alan: Jake, Judith. What are you doing here?

Judith: Alan, I told you yesterday I was going to visit my parents. Dad's having another colonoscopy. If I'm not there, I'll have to watch the video.

Alan: Yea, right, I'm sorry. There's just been a lot of stuff going on.

Judith: Yea, I just met your brother's latest stuff.

Alan: Why do you assume it's his stuff?

Judith: What? Is it yours?

Alan: No, but it's not his either.

Charlie: But it could be.

Alan: Says who?

Charlie: Says your ex-wife.

Judith: Okay, I really don't need to hear this. Jake, honey, have a good time. [kisses Jake on the head] Charlie, behave yourself.

Alan: What about me? I am completely capable of having my own stuff.

Joanie: [to Jake] Hi, I'm Joanie.

Jake: Hey. I'm gonna go play in my room.

Joanie: Can I come with you?

Jake: Whatever.

Charlie: If he can just keep that attitude for another thirty years, he's gold.

Frankie: [enters, still on the phone] I'm not afraid of your lawyers, or your shrinks. Fine, bring them on, because you know what? We're gonna run away and hide. [hangs up] Now they're really unhappy with me.

Alan: Is there anything we can do?

Frankie: Thanks, you've already done so much. I just hate to put you out like this.

Alan: Oh, it's not a problem. We have plenty of space. You and Joanie can stay in my room and I'll bunk with Charlie.

Charlie: You'll bunk with Charlie? Hold on there, Pecos Bill.

Alan: No, it'll be fun. It'll be like when we were kids.

Charlie: Well, okay, but just remember, this time, Mom won't be around to hear you scream.

-----------------------------------

[Alan is tucking Jake into bed.]

Jake: Why are those people here?

Alan: They're going through a tough time, and we're helping them out.

Jake: That girl is really annoying.

Alan: I think maybe she has a crush on you.

Jake: Yea, that's what's annoying.

Alan: You don't really like girls yet, huh?

Jake: I like girls. Just not into eight-year-olds.

----------------------------------

[Frankie is sitting on the sofa, drinking wine, in the semi-darkness. Alan enters.]

Alan: Is Joanie okay?

Frankie: Yea. She fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.

Alan: Well, it was a long day for her.

Frankie: Yea. Well, the good news is I think my in-laws are going to back off. The bad news is that wasn't my shrinks car.

Alan: Yea, well, we all make mistakes. But at least you made this one for the right reason. You love your daughter.

Frankie: I just wish I knew where to go from here. Because I know I seem like I've got it all together but this is a little...

Alan: Scary?

Frankie: Yea.

Alan: Yea, yea, I understand. When my marriage ended. I was terrified. It's the unknown.

Frankie: Yea. [cries]

Alan: [awkward] No, uh, no, don't cry. [puts an arm around her and she buries her head into his shoulder] Everything will work out, you'll see.

[They kiss. It's a beautiful moment. They pull apart and stare at each other. Then Alan starts to cry.]

Frankie: What's the matter?

Alan: I don't know. It's been so long since anybody's touched me.

[Charlie starts to come down the stairs but stops when he sees Frankie and Alan.]

Frankie: Come here.

[They kiss again, and Charlie looks on flabbergasted. Eventually he backs away.]

--------------------------------

[Charlie is in bed. The door opens. Alan enters and climbs in beside him.]

Charlie: Alan?

Alan: Yea?

Charlie: It's been so long since anybody's touched me.

Alan: [sits up suddenly] How much did you see?

Charlie: Just enough to make sleep impossible.

Alan: Okay, that's great, I am dying to talk about this. [switches the light on] All we did was kiss, but Charlie, what a kiss. It was like our souls were merging.

Charlie: That was saliva, Alan.

Alan: No, seriously. I mean, Frankie is incredible. Think about it. First she loses her husband, then she has to fight to keep her daughter and yet, still, she has such incredible spirit, such joie de vivre.

Charlie: Okay, would you like to hear my take on this?

Alan: Is it positive and life affirming?

Charlie: Good night Alan.

Alan: Okay, no, tell me what you think.

Charlie: Alright, I've known you all my life and if there's one thing I've noticed you are a stone sucker for the damsal in distress.

Alan: I am not.
Charlie: Come on Alan. Every woman you've ever been involved with has been damaged and needy.

Alan: Well, wait, what about... uh... okay, go on.

Charlie: You devote all your time and energy into fixing them up instead of doing the humane thing which is to have sex with them and run away.

Alan: Exactly how is that the humane thing?

Charlie: My way, you have a good time, they have a good time, nobody suffers. Your way, you get married, you take over their lives, they start to hate you and you end up moving in with me.

Alan: You know what, Charlie, I think you're jealous.

Charlie: Of me.

Alan: Of me. For the first time in our lives , a woman picked me over you, and you can't deal with it.

Charlie: I can deal with it, I don't get it, but I can deal with it.

Alan: I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids.

Charlie: Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken sex and make it sound dirty.

Alan: I don't know why I even bother talking to you. [switches the light off and settles down]

Charlie: Alan?

Alan: What?

Charlie: I thought we had a pact to never go to bed mad.

Alan: Leave me alone.

Charlie: Come on. Don't you want to spoon? [shuffles up to Alan]

Alan: I swear to God you are going to lose that hand?

Charlie: That's not my hand.

Alan: [jumps out of bed] Mom!!!

--------------------------------

[Charlie is asleep, the sunlight on his face. He opens his eyes and focuses on Joanie.]

Joanie: Do you know where Jake is?

Charlie: No, honey, I'm sorry.

Joanie: We're playing hide and seek.

Charlie: I don't know where he's hiding.

Joanie: No, I was hiding and he was supposed to find me. It's been over an hour.

Charlie: If I see him, I'll let him know.

Joanie: Thank you.

Charlie: You're welcome.

[Joanie exits and we pan round to the curtains, where Jake's feet are visible.]

Jake: Thank you.

Charlie: You're welcome.

--------------------------------

[Alan is making breakfast. Frankie enters.]

Frankie: Morning.

Alan: Morning.

[Alan is embarrassed and when Frankie leans forward, he pecks her on the lips. She smiles at him, then grabs him and kisses him passionately.]

Alan: [high-pitched] Coffee? [coughs] Coffee?

Frankie: Thank you.

Alan: So, I thought that maybe today, you, me and the kids might go do something fun.

Frankie: What about Charlie?

Alan: He's had his fun. Hey, I know, why don't we go to Will Rogers State Park and have a picnic?

Frankie: That sounds nice.

Alan: Great, great.

[They're about to kiss again, when Charlie enters.]

Charlie: Morning.

Frankie: [jumps away] Morning.

[Alan and Frankie sit down with their breakfast. Charlie watches them.]

Charlie: Oh, man, I'm the extra guy.

Frankie: Don't call yourself extra.

Alan: Try superfluous.

Frankie: Alan.

Alan: Fifth wheel, eleventh toe, third nipple.

Frankie: Alan!

Charlie: Interesting.

Frankie: What's interesting?

Charlie: This is new for me. Don't really like it.

Frankie: Charlie, you're a great guy.

Charlie: No, please stop. Do not call me a great guy. That's what you call a shcmuck loser friend who has to dance with the hot chick's ugly cousin.

[Charlie exits and Alan starts grinning.]

Frankie: What?

Alan: Nothing. Just having a really good day.

---------------------------------

[Charlie is lounging on the sofa, reading a magazine. Jake enters from his room.]

Jake: Hey, coming on the picnic, Uncle Charlie?

Charlie: No, couldn’t find a date.

Joanie: [enters from the kitchen] Jake… Mom wants to know if you want egg salad or tuna for lunch.

Jake: Tuna.

Joanie: Me too.

Jake: God, she’s annoying.

Charlie: At least you’re not a third nipple.

Frankie: [enters from the kitchen] Jake, why don’t you go in the kitchen and help Joanie pick out some snacks for the picnic basket?

[Jake looks at Charlie and shakes his head, wearily, then exits to the kitchen.]

Frankie: You sure you don’t want to come with us?

Charlie: Do you really want me to come with you?

Frankie: No, I was just being polite.

Charlie: Listen, Frankie, we need to talk about you and Alan.

Frankie: [sits down beside Charlie] Oh, come on stud. You’re not jealous, are you?

Charlie: No, no. Dumbfounded, maybe. Mystified, astounded, flabbergasted, but not jealous. I just want to make sure that you understand how vulnerable he is.

Frankie: You don’t think I’m vulnerable too? Maybe you haven’t noticed, Charlie, but I’m wrapped tighter than an airport sandwich.

Charlie: Okay, let me put it this way, my brother is crazy about you.

Frankie: Well, I’m crazy about him too. [gets up]

Charlie: No, you don’t understand. Alan’s a nester. He’s already imagining the two of you walking through IKEA picking out flatware and throw pillows.

Frankie: Come on.

Charlie: [picks up a pillow] He did it with me!

Frankie: You really care about him, don’t you?

Charlie: Yes.

Frankie: You’re a great guy, Charlie. [kisses him on the cheek and goes back to the kitchen]

Charlie: Great guy and a kiss on the cheek. Why doesn’t she just kick me in the balls?

---------------------------------------

[The park. Jake is being followed by Joanie.]

Joanie: Want to play tag?

Jake: No.

Joanie: Hide and seek?

Jake: No.

Joanie: Wanna chase me?

Jake: No.

[They walk past Alan and Frankie, who are setting up the basket and blanket.]

Alan: Well, the kids are having a great time.

Frankie: This is a wonderful idea, thank you Alan.

Alan: Hey, what makes it wonderful is the company.

Frankie: Aw, do you always say exactly the right thing?

Alan: I don’t know. I suppose I try to be sensitive to the moment and weigh my words so that they’re emotional… [trails off] No, not always. Um, listen, Frankie, I was thinking. Um, we get along so well, and our kids get along and since neither one of us really has our own place…

Frankie: Alan…

[She leans across and kisses him.]

Frankie: Absolutely not.

Alan: But…

Frankie: No. My life is such a mess, and I’ve gotta straighten out a bunch of things before I can even think about a relationship.

Alan: Yes, yes, you’ve got a lot of baggage, but it’s nothing I can’t get to the curb.

Frankie: What?

Alan: It was something Charlie said. I was hoping you’d know what it meant.

Frankie: Alan, I talked to my brother in Seattle today and he and his wife are going to put me and Joanie up for a while.

Alan: You’re leaving?

Frankie: Tomorrow morning? Cause, you know, I can enrol her in school there and get a job and start putting my life back together again.

Alan: Yea, no, that makes sense. Sure.

Frankie: I’m sorry.

Alan: No. You’re doing the right thing.

Frankie: Look on the bright side, Alan.

Alan: What bright side?

Frankie: You’re gonna get laid tonight. [smiles]

Alan: Oh boy, I think I’m gonna cry again.

[They kiss.]

-----------------------------------

[Frankie, Joanie and Jake are standing outside the front door.]

Frankie: Okay, hon, the cab’s waiting. Say goodbye to Jake.

Joanie: Bye Jake.

Jake: Bye.

[Joanie kisses him on the cheek and runs off.]

Jake: Oh, man.

[Jake walks inside, rubbing his cheek in disgust, passing Charlie and Alan.]

Frankie: Charlie, what can I say?

Charlie: I know. I’m a great guy. [points to his cheek and she kisses it.] Oh, man. [walks inside rubbing his cheek, with a parting smile.]

Alan: You know, I would’ve been happy to drive you to the airport.

Frankie: No, it’s better to say goodbye here, cause LAX is hectic and crazy and the underwire in my bra always sets off the metal detectors. You know, this doesn’t have to be goodbye forever. Once we get all settled you can come visit us.

Alan: Sure.

[Alan looks inside the house, and Charlie and Jake are caught watching. They walk off. Alan turns back and kisses Frankie.]

Frankie: Bye.

Alan: Bye.

[He watches her go, sadly, and then enters the house. He shuts the door and starts to walk away, but there is a knock. He turns back and opens it. It’s Frankie. She takes off her bra and hands it to him.]

Frankie: Here, I’m running late. [kisses him on the cheek and exits.]

[Cut to the kitchen. Jake is sat at the table. Charlie throws him a yogurt.]

Charlie: Hey.

[Jake catches it. Alan enters.]

Charlie: It’s tough seeing her go, isn’t it?

Jake: Yea, I’m really going to miss Joanie.

[Alan and Charlie look at each other.]

 

Source : https://www.twiztv.com

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