Épisode On ne renifle pas l'assistante S01E21 - Two And A Half Men Saison 1

[Alan and Charlie are sat in two very fancy chairs in a lawyer’s office. Charlie is swinging around on the chair.]

Charlie: These divorce lawyers have a good business, don’t they?

Alan: Yea, in the same way locusts have a good business.

[An attractive woman in a suit pours them some coffee.]

Charlie: Mmm, smells good. So does the coffee.

Alan: Charlie, stop sniffing the paralegals. Look, I am paying my attorney by the hour so just speak when spoken to and otherwise, you know, just shut up.

Charlie: If you’d listened to me in the first place, you wouldn’t be in this mess. I’m the one who told you not to marry her.

Alan: You’re also the one who told me that if I jumped off the garage roof with a bath towel tied around my neck, I could fly to school.

Charlie: The one time you listened to me.

Alan: Let me tell you another thing. If I hadn’t married Judith, there’d be no Jake.

Charlie: I didn’t say you couldn’t knock her up.

[The lawyer enters. She is a very attractive blonde.]

Lawyer: Okay, let’s get started.

Charlie: Wow.

Alan: No. No wowing. No sniffing, no wowing.

Lawyer: Laura Lang.

Charlie: Charlie Harper. [they shake hands.] Didn’t you used to date Superman?

Laura: That’s Lana Lang. She was Superboy’s girlfriend. And guys have been using that tired old line on me since the fifth grade.

Charlie: Did it ever work?

Laura: Let’s just get down to business, okay?

Charlie: Okay. [To Alan] Didn’t the Titanic bang into her?

Laura: Okay, Mr Harper, the reason I wanted to see you is because your brother is involved in a divorce action where the custody of his son might become an issue.

Charlie: Really? Why?

Laura: Well, because Jake stays with his father part-time, his father lives with you, and in the words of his mother you are… [looks through her papers] Hang on, I want to get this right. Oh, here it is, “A sleaze ball”.

Charlie: Yea, so?

Laura: So she might try to take Jake out of your home.

Charlie: Why? It’s a beautiful home. [smiles] You should really come see it some evening. [to the Paralegal beside him] It’s in Malibu. Right on the beach.

Laura: My point is, if Mrs Harper decides to make an issue out of your lifestyle, we need to be prepared.

Charlie: What’s wrong with my lifestyle?

Alan: Oh no. We are not going down that road at $300 an hour.

Laura: Relax, Alan. I’m going to need to know every possible thing they can use against us. Every skeleton in your closet.

Alan: Oh boy. [looks at his watch and sighs]

Charlie: So, what, you want to know about my sex life?

Laura: Your sex life, your drinking, your gambling, partying.

Charlie: [to the Paralegal] On the beach.

Laura: Mr Harper.

Charlie: I’m sorry, but isn’t that kind of an invasion of my privacy?

Laura: It is and I apologise for that. But I handle a lot of divorces and believe me, they can get nasty. Look, I’ve got to be in court. So, why don’t you give this some thought and when you gather the information we need, give me a call. [she hands him a business card]

[Charlie takes the card and looks at her.]

[Cut to: Charlie is lying in bed.]

Charlie: Okay, starting from now and working backwards, I’ve slept with…

[Pan out to reveal he is in bed with Laura.]

Charlie: My brother’s attorney…

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[Charlie and Laura are in bed, kissing.]

Charlie: So, Laura, let me ask you something. The other day in your office, you didn’t seem to like me much. I was just wondering what caused you to drive over here, you know, mostly naked.

Laura: Charlie, I don’t have to like you to want you.

Charlie: Right on. [They kiss] For the record, I don’t like you much either.

Laura: Right on. [They kiss]

Charlie: Another question. Seeing as how you’re my brother’s lawyer and all, is what we’re doing here, what’s the word, unethical?

Laura: Oh God, yes.

Charlie: Right on.

Laura: Listen, Charlie, I totally get who you are. You date lots of women, you’re a player. That’s fine, I don’t care.

Charlie: You are very special.

Laura: I just have one little request.

Charlie: You can pretty much have everything you want right now.

Laura: If your brother found out about us, he could sue me for malpractice. I’m taking a big risk here.

Charlie: Man, this just keeps getting hotter.

Laura: But I need you to do something for me. When I call you, when I want you, you’ve got to be there.

Charlie: Okay, let’s practice. Briiing. Hello? Hey Laura, what’s up?

Laura: Now.

Charlie: Right on.

[Cut to Jake and Alan entering the front door.]

Alan: Hello? Charlie?

[Cut to Charlie in bed. He emerges from under the covers.]

Charlie: No. Sorry, but I’m gonna have to speed this up. [goes back under the covers.]

Laura: Charlie, relax. Just go downstairs and distract him while I sneak out.

Charlie: You’re gonna leave?

Laura: Hey, I’m done.

Charlie: No cuddling, no sharing feelings? I think I’m starting to like you.

Laura: Save the sweet talk. Just remember our deal.

Charlie: You know, it suddenly occurs to me I’m usually the one sneaking out when the man gets home.

Laura: Charlie, go.

Charlie: I thought it was a fun fact.

[Charlie goes down the stairs and bumps into Jake.]

Jake: Hey Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: Hey, buddy. You’re here early.

Jake: Teacher’s conference, half day. [starts to go upstairs]

Charlie: Where you going?

Jake: Looking for my Gameboy.

Charlie: Forget your Gameboy. It’s a beautiful day. Go watch TV.

Jake: I don’t want to watch TV. I want to play my Gameboy and it’s in your room. [starts towards the stairs.]

Charlie: [stops him] Woah, woah, woah. The parental code that unlocks the pay channels is one-two-three-four.

Jake: One-two-three-four. I should have known. [sits in front of the TV.]

[Alan enters from the kitchen, holding the phone.]

Alan: Oh, I’m sorry. Did I interrupt your late morning nap or your early afternoon nap?

Charlie: I don’t nap, I recharge. Can I get you a beer?

Alan: [holds the phone to his ear.] Sure, thanks.

Charlie: Come on.

Alan: Hang on. [on phone] Alan Harper for Laura Lang, please.

Charlie: What are you doing?

Alan: I’m calling my lawyer.

Charlie: Why? I thought we were gonna have a beer.

Alan: Judith is demanding half of my book collection.

Charlie: Oh, man. Sounds like you need a beer.

Alan: They are rare first editions, Charlie. Very valuable.

Charlie: Okay, you don’t need to get your lawyer involved. Hey, you still got your old garage door clicker, right?

Alan: Yea.

Charlie: So, let Judith have the books, then one night, maybe someone goes and gets them back.

Alan: Wonderful. Breaking and entering.

Charlie: It’s not breaking if you have the clicker.

Alan: More good advice.

Charlie: And it’s free. So hang up and let’s get that beer.

Alan: [on phone] Sure, I’ll hold. [to Charlie] Yea, they’re patching me through to her cell phone.

[The cell phone rings. They both look up.]

Alan: What’s that?

Charlie: That is coincidentally my cell phone. Excuse me.

[Cut to Charlie’s bedroom. Laura is putting her clothes on. She has answered her cell.]

Laura: [on phone] Oh, hi Alan.

Charlie: [runs in and whispers] Don’t answer.

Laura: [shhs him. On phone] What’s up?

Charlie: [whispers] What are you doing?

Laura: [on phone] Hang on, Alan. [to Charlie] I’m making a living, Charlie.

Charlie: I thought you were worried about malpractice.

Laura: I’m more worried about billable hours. [on phone] Can you prove you acquired the books in question prior to the marriage?

Alan: [calls from downstairs] Charlie?

Charlie: [yells] Coming!

Laura: [to Charlie] Shh.

[Cut to Alan.]

Alan: [on phone] Why are you shushing me? Hang on.

Charlie: [comes down the stairs] What?

Alan: I’m on the phone with Laura.

Charlie: Say hi for me.

Alan: Give it up, Charlie. She doesn’t like you.

Charlie: True.

Alan: Listen, you’ll testify that I bought all my first edition books before I got married, right?

Charlie: Did you?
Alan: No.

Charlie: Then I’m your man.

Alan: [on the phone] I can prove it, Charlie’s my witness.

[Jake attempts to run up the stairs. Charlie catches him.]

Charlie: Hey, what happened to the TV?

Jake: There’s nothing dirty on. I’m gonna go play my Gameboy.

Charlie: No, no, no. Wait right here. [sits Jake on the step] I’ll get it for you.

Alan: [on phone] Of course he’s credible.

[Cut to Charlie’s bedroom.]

Laura: [on phone] I don’t know, Alan. If the right lawyer gets their hands on him, they could really make him sweat.

[Charlie has scampered inside the room and is searching. Laura gets up and runs her hands over him.]

Charlie: [whispers] Yea, very funny. Have you seen a Gameboy anywhere around here?

Laura: [shrugs. On phone] Okay, we’ll just have to do the best we can. I’ll tell him exactly what to do and who knows… [grabs Charlie’s dressing gown and spins him to face her] Maybe he’ll get the job done.

Charlie: [puts his hand over her phone] I got the job done twice.

Laura: [on phone] Why don’t you let me talk to him?

Alan: [calls from downstairs] Charlie?

Charlie: [frowns at Laura] Why?

[Charlie runs downstairs, past Jake on the stairs.]

Jake: Where’s my Gameboy?

Charlie: I’ll buy you a new one.

[Jake smiles and goes to his room.]

Alan: [holds out his phone] She wants to talk to you. Keep it short.

Charlie: Alan, if I could keep it short my life would be so much simpler. [on phone] Hello?

Laura: [on phone] Now.

Charlie: [on phone] What?

Laura: [on phone] I want you now.

Charlie: [on phone] You’ve gotta be kidding.

Alan: Charlie, I’m paying her by the hour. Just listen to her and do what she says.

Charlie: You’re the boss. [on phone] I’ll get right on it. [hangs up and gives the phone back to Alan.]

Alan: What did she say?

Charlie: She wants me to write a statement. And she wants you to take Jake out and buy him a new Gameboy.

Alan: Why would she want that?

Charlie: For God’s sake, Alan, you’re paying this woman a lot of money. I suggest you take her advice.

[Heads back upstairs.]

Alan: Jake, we’re going out.

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[The lawyer’s office. Judith and her lawyer are on one side of the table. Charlie, Alan and Laura are the other. The paralegal is in the middle.]

Charlie: I just want to make it clear that I would never behave in a way that would negatively influence my nephew.

[Judith makes a disbelieving noise.]

Charlie: What was that? [to Laura] Is she allowed to do that?

Lawyer: Mr Harper, how many women would you say you have sexual relations with in any given year?

Charlie: Excuse me. [confers with Laura] I do okay.

Lawyer: Ten, twenty, one hundred?

Charlie: Come on, I don’t keep count.

Lawyer: So we’ll say 10.

Laura: I don’t see the relevance of this.

Lawyer: Well, we’re trying to establish Mr Harper’s lifestyle as a way of determining whether his home is a suitable environment for a young boy.

Charlie: Okay, let me just say here that I love Jake and I make it business to make sure that nothing goes on in front of him that is anyway inappropriate.

Alan: You tell him, Charlie.

Charlie: And it’s significantly north of 10. [winks at the paralegal]

Laura: I think we can move on now. Do you have any more questions?

[Judith confers with her lawyer. Laura leans over to Charlie.]

Laura: You are doing very well.

Charlie: Thanks.

[Under the table, Laura puts a hand on Charlie’s leg.]

Lawyer: Mr Harper, is it true that Jake saw a woman in the shower with you?

Charlie: Okay, yes. Now in that instance, the door was closed, he didn’t knock… [Laura starts stroking his leg] and the door was closed and… I’m sorry, what was the question?

Alan: Woman in the shower.

Charlie: Don’t help them. And most important, he didn’t see anything inappropriate.

Lawyer: Then what can you tell us about this picture that Jake drew? [holds up the picture of Cindy from Episode 7.]

Charlie: Okay, now, that’s a totally different… [Laura’s hand is moving] Woah, man. Woah-man. Woman. She was in my kitchen wearing a t-shirt and she reached up for some [jumps again] Spaghetti-Os. That’s what she was reaching for.

Laura: I’d like a moment to confer with my witness. [Laura turns right round and whispers in Charlie’s ear.] You are making me so hot.

Charlie: I see.

Laura: [turns back round] Look, Stewart, we both know you’re on a fishing expedition here, right?

Stewart: Well, maybe.

Judith: Maybe.

Laura: You have no case. This man is a wonderful uncle. He provides a beautiful home and the last time I looked it wasn’t against the law to be single in the United States of America. [strokes Charlie’s leg again.]

Charlie: [liking Laura’s hand] Oh God! [realises] Bless America.

Alan: Amen.

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[Laura is sat on the sofa at Charlie’s house. Alan is pacing.]

Laura: The good news is your wife has given up on the custody issue but we still need to finalise the property statement.

Alan: Alright.

Laura: Now, aside from your books, she’s requested a few other specific items.

Alan: like what?

Laura: A massage chair?

Alan: Oh no. Oh no. Forget it. Forget it. I love that chair. That was the only thing in my bedroom that moved when I touched it.

Laura: Don’t worry Alan. I will get you your chair. I will get you your books. I will fight for you. I will win for you. And I won’t stop until your wife is squished like a bug on the windshield.

Alan: Okay, let’s not lose sight of the fact that this bug is the mother of my child. So, let’s just keep the squishing to a minimum.

[Charlie enters with the paralegal.]

Charlie: Don’t worry, you don’t need a bathing suit. Once you’re drunk, the ocean’s not cold at all.

Alan: Charlie?

Charlie: Hey Alan. And Laura. Hello Laura. I didn’t know you were here.

Laura: Hi Charlie. Crystal.

Crystal: [awkward] Hey.

Charlie: Oh yea. I guess you guys know each other.

Laura: How’s that flu?

Crystal: [caught out] Oh, um, it’s better. [fake coughs]

Charlie: Hey, this calls for a drink. A very large drink. [exits to the kitchen]

Alan: Uh, I’m not getting billed for her time now, am I?

[Cut to Charlie in the kitchen. He has poured a drink and downs it in one. He breathes out, and pours another one. Laura enters.]

Laura: Charlie?

Charlie: Okay, I know this is awkward but let’s keep in mind we agreed that you and I were just a casual deal, two consenting adults, no strings, no drama.

Laura: Charlie.

Charlie: And I’m willing to admit that trying to boink your assistant might…

Laura: [puts a hand on Charlie’s mouth] Charlie.

Charlie: Yea?

Laura: Now.

Charlie: What?

Laura: I want you now.

Charlie: But see, now’s really not a good time. I mean, you’re working with my brother and Crystal took a sick day…

[Laura shuts him up by kissing him.]

Charlie: Okay, that’s a good point. Let me think this through. Alright, there’s just one way to make this work.

Laura: I don’t do threesomes, Charlie.

Charlie: Then I’m stumped.

Alan: [enters] What’s going on?

Charlie: Nothing. Not a thing.

Laura: Charlie, there’s no reason to lie.

Charlie: Are you sure? There usually is.

Laura: [to Alan] I’m a little upset with your brother for getting involved with my assistant. I mean, it could be construed as a breach of ethics.

Alan: Nice going, Charlie. This won’t affect my case, will it?

Laura: Oh, of course not, Alan. I’m a professional. Listen, if we’re going to make it to that settlement conference on time, maybe you should put on a jacket and tie. Nothing too nice.

Alan: Oh, you’re good. [to Charlie] Do you think you can keep it in your pants until I get my stuff back?

Charlie: I’m trying harder than you think.

[Alan exits.]

Laura: Okay, we’ve got 15 minutes. Where do you want to do this? [starts to unbutton his shirt]

Charlie: Woah, woah, woah, hold on. It’s not that I’m not into risky, semi-public sex, it’s just that I’m starting to resent your attitude.

Laura: Charlie, we have a deal.

Charlie: Okay, Laura, look. I only went along with that because you are hot, and it took little to no effort on my part. [Looks through to the other room] Just make yourself at home, Crystal. [points] That’s the ocean. [to Laura] Anyway, I think we might be done here.

Laura: You’re dumping me?

Charlie: Yep. Now.

Laura: You are going to be very sorry, Charlie Harper. [exits]

Charlie: Yea, girls have been using that tired old line on me since the fifth grade.

[He pours another drink.]

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[The lawyer’s office. Judith and Stewart on one side. Alan and Laura on the other.]

Stewart: Okay, the next item is the rare book collection appraised at $12,000.

Laura: Actually, our appraisers came in at $16,500.

Alan: Yea.

Laura: Enjoy them.

Alan: What?

Judith: Uh, I was only asking for half.

Laura: Why break up a collection? Okay, what’s next?

Stewart: Well, I understand there’s a dispute over the massage chair.

Laura: Not anymore. We concede.

Alan: What do you mean we concede? We’re not here for conceding. We’re here for fighting and winning and squishing, remember?

Laura: Alan, I know what I’m doing.

Stewart: Okay, moving on to the retirement fund.

Laura: Take it.

Judith: Take it?

Stewart: Take it.

Judith: I’ll take it.

Alan: Are you out of your mind?

Laura: Okay, what else would you like?

Alan: [shouts] What else? Judith, for God’s sakes, remember there was a time when you loved me.

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[Charlie enters the living room with a magazine and a drink. He sits. He realises he is uncomfortable, and pulls out the Gameboy from behind the cushion.]

Charlie: Oh, cool.

[Alan enters.]

Charlie: Hey, that was quick.

Alan: Yea, like every other time Judith screwed me.

Charlie: What happened?

Alan: I’ll tell you what happened. My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy, that’s what happened. Charlie, have you ever heard of a divorce agreement that requires the ex-husband to pay the ex-wife’s dry cleaning for life?

Charlie: Wow.

Alan: Yea, not just clothes. Drapes, rugs, slip covers, even suede.

Charlie: Sounds like she really took you to the cleaners. [laughs. Alan doesn’t.] Sorry.

Alan: So, I fired Laura and tore up the agreement. I’m going to have to find a new attorney and just start all over.

Charlie: Good then, no harm, no foul.

Alan: Except for the thousands of dollars of extra legal fees.

Charlie: Oh yea, that’s got to sting a little.

Alan: Not as much as having to buy Judith’s parents a retirement condo in Boca Raton. She didn’t even ask for that. Laura just threw it in.

Charlie: Lawyers.

Alan: But you know what the interesting thing is?

Charlie: No, what?

Alan: After it was all over and Judith and her attorney went dancing out of the room, I asked Laura why she had done this to me and she said, and I quote “Ask your brother.” So, here I am, asking you. Why, Charlie? Why did my very expensive Beverley Hills divorce lawyer sell me out?

Charlie: [clears his throat] Okay. Okay, I’ll tell you the whole story. But maybe you should sit down first.

[Alan sits down. Charlie prepares to tell him, but then runs out of the room, onto the deck and leaps over the balcony onto the beach. Alan sits, very mature at first, but then runs after him and jumps over the balcony as well.]

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[It is dark. Charlie is sneaking back into his house from the deck. He approaches the glass, peers through, then opens the door. He tiptoes inside and gets all the way upstairs, but Alan is lying in wait for him. Alan chases Charlie back down the stairs and out of shot.]