Épisode La névrose familiale S01E20 - Two And A Half Men Saison 1

[Alan opens the front door to Judith and Jake.]

Alan: Hey Judith. There’s the rock star. Ready for a fun weekend?

[Jake stomps inside carrying a guitar case and heads straight for his room.]

Jake: Leave me alone. [Exits]

Alan: Musicians.

Judith: Alan, that child is driving me insane.

Alan: Like father, like son, huh? [Judith looks at him] Really, that bad?

Judith: He’s been sullen and uncooperative for days. I think he needs to see someone.

Alan: What, you mean like a shrink?

Judith: No, Alan, I mean like a blacksmith. This is clearly a reaction to our divorce. He’s not processing his emotions in a healthy way and I think therapy could help unblock him.

Alan: Where did you get that?

Judith: From my therapist.

Alan: Who’s working wonders with you.

Judith: Excuse me?

Alan: [more positive] Who’s working wonders with you.

[They hear the sound of the guitar from Jake’s room.]

Judith: All he does is sit in his room and play that damn thing. He’s isolating, Alan.

Alan: That doesn’t mean he needs to see a therapist. He’s just a normal 11 year old kid who happens to be a little grumpy.

Judith: And I’m a normal 35 year old mother who happens to be running out of patience. And by patience, I mean Prozac.

Alan: Wait a minute, you can’t still be 35 because… [off Judith’s look] Hey, he’s getting pretty good at that.

Judith: Yea, well, get used to it.

[She hands Alan Jake’s bag and makes a hasty exit. Alan looks towards where the guitar is coming from, then he looks up the stairs.]

[Cut to Charlie, in bed with an attractive brunette. He is kissing her neck, and she’s smiling to start with but starts to frown as he kisses her neck in time with the guitar.]

Woman: Charlie, what are you doing?

Charlie: Smoke On The Water.

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[Alan is still looking towards Jake’s room thoughtfully. Charlie comes running down the stairs, putting a t-shirt on.]

Charlie: Okay. It’s not cute anymore. Make him stop.

Alan: You’re the one who bought him the guitar, Charlie.

Charlie: The bed is vibrating so much up there, I’m no longer necessary.

Alan: Well, I’m sorry my son’s interrupted your afternoon debauchery but I think he’s upset about something.

Charlie: What’s he upset about?

Alan: I don’t know. I was just giving him a little space before I talked to him.

Charlie: You want me to talk to him?

Alan: Sure, and I’ll finish for you upstairs. This is a father’s job. [Heads towards Jake’s room.]

Charlie: [calls after him] Tell him I just need, like, 20 minutes.

[Cut to Alan. He knocks on Jake’s door, in time with the guitar. Eventually, he gives up and opens the door. Jake is sat at the end of his bed, playing the guitar.]

Alan: Can I come in?

[Jake flicks a glance at him, but continues playing. Alan enters and shuts the door behind him.]

Alan: Hey, it really sounds like you’ve got your mojo working. But, er, let’s try to turn it down now, okay? [He goes to the amp and turns it down.]

Jake: What’d you do that for?

Alan: Because I love you and I don’t want that to change. So, how was your week?

Jake: Okay.

Alan: Anything I need to know? Anything bothering you?

Jake: No.

Alan: You sure? Cause it seems like something’s bothering you.

Jake: Okay, you wanna know what’s bothering me?

Alan: Yea.

Jake: People keep on asking me what’s bothering me.

Alan: Okay. I won’t ask

Jake: Good.

Alan: You know when I was your age…

Jake: Oh, man.

Alan: Okay, forget that. Um, problems at school?

Jake: No.

Alan: Problems with Mom?

Jake: No.

Alan: Because I understand there’s some things a guy doesn’t want to talk with his mom about.

Jake: Like what?

Alan: Well, you know, girl problems or somebody’s picking on you. Or you’re the only guy in gym class without hair on his testicles.

[Jake looks at him.]

[Cut to Charlie in the kitchen opening a bottle of wine. There are two wine glasses on the table. Berta looks at him.]

Berta: She sobered up on you, huh?

Charlie: No, I’m just being a good host. And yea, a little bit.

[Alan enters.]

Alan: Man.

Charlie: Did you figure out what his problem is?

Alan: No, but we determined mine was late-onset puberty.

Charlie: You were a Mexican hairless, weren’t you?

Berta: Did you check to see if he’s constipated?

Alan: Berta, his mother and I are going through a divorce and there’s a lot of emotions he hasn’t processed.

Berta: Maybe so, but there’s also a lot of string cheese he hasn’t processed. [Exits with the laundry basket]

Alan: [to Charlie] You know, Judith thinks he needs to see a therapist.

Charlie: Why, cause it’s working so good for her?

Alan: Hey, Charlie, that’s uncalled for.

Charlie: Come on. The kid’s problem is that he’s 11. He can’t drive, he can’t drink and his mother picks out all his clothes. Be thankful he’s not in the garage biting the heads off of chickens.

Alan: But this isn’t like him.

Charlie: Trust your first instinct. Just give him a little space, and probably by this time tomorrow… [the guitar starts up again] I will have killed him.

[Cut to Jake’s room. He is playing the guitar again. Charlie enters. He smiles, wryly, and looks like he’s really getting into the music.]

Charlie: Not bad. But why don’t you try fretting the “E” and the “A” string together?

Jake: I like my way.

Charlie: Cool. [He yanks the leads out of the amp.]

Jake: What did you do that for?

Charlie: Look, I’m really happy you’ve taken up an instrument and I’ll be even happier when you learn an actual song. But right now, let’s just take a little pause for the cause.

Jake: What do you want?

Charlie: Nothing. I just thought we could hang out. [Jake looks at him] A couple of musicians taking five. [Jake stares.] Just chilling.

Jake: Nothing’s bothering me.

Charlie: That’s cool. I’m not trying to harsh your mellow. [Jake sighs.] I know there are certain things a guy doesn’t want to talk to his parents about.

Jake: Like what?

Charlie: I don’t know. Peer pressure. Bullies. Skipping class to drive to Tijuana with the school nurse. [They look at each other.]

[Cut to the kitchen. Alan is sat at the table. Berta is looking in the cupboards.]

Berta: I’m telling you, my youngest once ate a whole can of Play-Doh. Stopped her up for two weeks.

Alan: Berta, please.

Berta: Finally pooped out an ashtray.

Alan: Berta.

Berta: That’s the day I quit smoking.

[Alan pulls a face as Berta exits. Charlie enters.]

Alan: Any luck?

Charlie: The little snothead kicked me out of his room.

Alan: Welcome to the club.

Charlie: Yea, but I’m the cool uncle.

Alan: Oh, and I’m the uncool dad?

Charlie: Don’t get defensive. You did the best you could.

Alan: Hey, hey, that kid has nothing to complain about. He’s never been spanked, he’s never even been yelled at. And even while my marriage was collapsing, he always came first.

Charlie: Well, I’m glad you’re not defensive.

Alan: He has a great life. He gets everything he wants. I deny him nothing. [realises] Oh my god, what have I done to my son?

Charlie: Alan, I was kidding. You’re a terrific father.

Alan: You think so?

Charlie: Yes, I do.

Alan: You know what, you’re right. I’m always too quick to blame myself.

Charlie: Yes you are.

Alan: It’s his mother’s fault.

Charlie: Attaboy!

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[Alan, Charlie and Jake are sitting on the sofa in the kitchen, watching the television.]

Alan: Would you like me to make you a snack, Jake?

Jake: I’m not hungry.

Alan: You sure? We’ve got some pizza left from dinner.

Charlie: Alan, ease up. He said he’s not hungry. [to Jake] You’ll eat when you want to, right?

Jake: Would you please not talk? I’m trying to watch.

Charlie: [to Alan] Shhh.

Jake: This show is stupid.

Charlie: You’re right. [Passes him the remote.] Here, you pick something.

Jake: Thanks.

Charlie: [to Alan] Cool uncle.

Jake: [flicking through the channels] Stupid. Stupid. Boring. Stupid. Seen it. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Really stupid. Stupid. Dumb. Stupid.

Charlie: [grabs the remote] Alright! Pick a stupid show and live with it.

Jake: Forget it. I’ll just go to my room.

Alan: Jake, wait. [Jake exits] Nice going, cool uncle.

Charlie: Oh, now it’s my fault? Let me tell you something, between you and your whacko wife, I’m an oasis of normality around here.

[The attractive brunette enters the kitchen in a dressing gown.]

Woman: Charlie? Are you ever going to come back upstairs?

[Alan stares at Charlie.]

Charlie: I’m still an oasis.

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[Charlie enters the kitchen. Alan is making breakfast.]

Charlie: Morning.

Alan: Morning. Did your guest leave?

Charlie: No, she’s sleeping in. Please don’t let me forget again.

Alan: Perhaps you should put a Post-It note on your penis.

Charlie: Yea, but then I’d have to take down the sign for the yard sale.

[Jake enters.]

Alan: Buddy, I made silver dollar pancakes.

Jake: I’m not hungry.

Alan: Come on, they’re your favourite.

Jake: I said no.

Charlie: You know what I was thinking? Maybe later we could have a jam session, you on guitar, me on piano.

Jake: I’d rather watch cartoons.

Charlie: Hey, what is your problem?

Alan: Charlie, Charlie, calm down. [Leads him to the next room.]

Charlie: I’m sorry, but when I was his age, I had to walk five blocks in the rain to have a jam session.

Alan: Yea, well, yelling at him isn’t going to help. I was thinking that maybe the three of us could go out and do something fun today.

Charlie: You want fun? Let’s take him to the Rose Bowl Swap Meet and see what we can get for him.

[A knock at the door]

Alan: Or, we could be patient and maybe eventually he’ll tell us what’s bothering him.

[Charlie opens the front door and Evelyn is stood there.]

Evelyn: Where’s my grandson?

Charlie: Or, we could scare it out of him. [Indicates Evelyn.]

[Cut to Evelyn, sat on the sofa, an arm around Jake. Alan and Charlie are watching.]

Evelyn: Granted, I don’t know what it’s like to be an 11 year old boy, but I do know one thing, sweetheart. You have no idea what real unhappiness is. Real unhappiness is being totally ignored by the very people you gave birth to. Real unhappiness is when you’re recovering from liposuction and your only grandson doesn’t even send you a get well card. And FYI, I only had that surgery so you wouldn’t have a grandmommy with matronly upper arms.

Alan: Well, if he didn’t need a shrink before, he needs one now.

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[Judith, Charlie and Alan are sitting in the waiting room of a therapist’s office. Alan is flicking through a magazine.]

Charlie: I’m telling you, you’re spoiling the kid. I didn’t have a shrink when I was Jake’s age and my childhood was twice as screwed up as his. I mean, you’re a little cuckoo, Judith, but compared to our mother, you’re like a fart in a hurricane.

Alan: Mom never took you to see Dr Demerest?

Charlie: You got to see a shrink?

Alan: Just a couple of times. For the night terrors, agoraphobia, bed-wetting.

Charlie: Did it work?

Alan: Hey, I can pee outside in the dark. You be the judge.

Judith: You know, Charlie, if you think I’m cuckoo simply because I want to help my child express his feelings, well, then I think you have a big problem.

[Charlie looks at Alan and does a cuckoo impression.]

[Cut to inside the therapist’s office. The therapist, a woman, and Jake are sat on bean bags. There are toys and craft materials strewn around the room.]

Therapist: So, Jake, how you liking that bean bag chair, huh? You comfy?

Jake: It’s okay.

Therapist: Cause we could sit in the little chairs. You know, sometimes I like to sit in a little chair. Makes me feel like a giant. [giant voice] Hello, Jake. Well, I can barely see you from up here. [laughs] Do you sometimes feel like a small, insignificant person in a world full of giants?

Jake: Not really.

Therapist: Well, maybe that’s just me. So, anyhow, I was hoping we could talk for a little bit. Draw some pictures, maybe play some games. Do you like puppets?

Jake: Not really.

Therapist: [lifts up a hand puppet of a cow, and covers her mouth. As puppet.] Neither do I. But sometimes they help when I’m in a bad mooooood. [Jake stares.]

[Cut to the waiting room. Charlie is looking at a puzzle book.]

Judith: I hope she gets him to talk about the divorce.

Alan: Yea, it’s a traumatic thing to see his father kicked out of his house.

Judith: It wasn’t exactly healthy to see the life being sucked out of his mother.

Alan: Excuse me, but that was going on for years and he was still a happy, little boy.

Charlie: [reading a puzzle] He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a blank? Plum, right?

Judith: You know, Charlie, it would be nice if you took a little responsibility for Jake’s problems.

Alan: She’s right, Charlie.

Charlie: Me? What did I do?

Alan: Well, you taught him how to gamble.

Judith: You brought strange women into the house.
Alan: You taught him how to curse in Italian.

Judith: Your drinking sets a bad example.

Charlie: Hey, hey, let’s get one thing straight. I taught him how to curse in Spanish.

[The therapist opens the door and leads Jake out.]

Therapist: Okay. Well, Jake and I had a wonderful talk, and now I’d like to speak with the grownups.

[Jake sits on the sofa. Judith and Alan get up.]

Alan: Aren’t you coming in, Charlie?

Charlie: No, I’m still trying to find the toothbrush in the tree here.

Therapist: Oh, is this Uncle Charlie? Well, I definitely want to talk with Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: [to Jake] Thanks a lot.

[They go into the room and stand awkwardly.]

Therapist: No, please, make yourselves comfortable.

[Alan and Judith sit on the little chairs. Charlie takes the bean bag which makes a farting noise as he sits down.]

Therapist: Okay, well, Jake and I had a very nice little talk. I invited him to share his feelings with me in a confidential, non-threatening context. And after hearing everything he had to say, I must tell you very frankly… Oh, who am I kidding? I got nothing.

Alan: That’s it? $150 an hour for “I got nothing”?

Therapist: It’s $175, but that’s not really the point now, is it?

Judith: What did he tell you?

Therapist: He claims nothing is bothering him. He claims there’s nothing wrong but when I probed him just a little bit, he told me to besa mi culo.

Charlie: You see? Spanish.

Judith: I hope you’re proud of yourself, Charlie.

Charlie: Hey, he’s not a sulky little jerk-wad because he learned a second language.

Judith: See what my son’s been living with?

Alan: Only because she threw me out.

Judith: What? I have a right to be happy.

Charlie: Speaking of which, did I leave that girl at the house?

Judith: Shut up, Charlie.

Charlie: Don’t tell me to shut up.

Alan: Calm down.

Judith: I don’t even know what he’s doing here.

Charlie: I’m trying to keep your kid from turning into a neurotic basket case like my brother. Maybe then he won’t marry a screwed up woman.

Alan: I’m screwed up because you’re a lousy brother.

[All start talking over each other. The therapist brings out with the puppet, and her hand over her mouth.]

Therapist: [as puppet] Hold on, people. Even cows know words can hurt.

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[Charlie, Alan, Judith and Jake are sitting at the kitchen table.]

Alan: Jake, you know that even though your mother and I bicker sometimes, we will always love you, no matter what.

Jake: [bored] I know.

Judith: And honey, you also need to know that our splitting up had absolutely nothing to do with you.

Jake: I know.

Judith: It’s just that Mommy has a right to be happy.

Alan: Yea, yea, he knows.

Charlie: And whatever’s bothering you, you know I had nothing to do with it, right?

Jake: Yea.

Charlie: See?

Jake: Can I go to bed now?

Alan: Now? Jake, it’s only 7 o’clock.

Jake: I’m tired.

[Berta enters with shopping.]

Judith: Alright, honey, I’ll come tuck you in before I leave.

Alan: Okay, that’s a bad sign.

Judith: It’s a symptom of clinical depression.

Charlie: You would know.

Berta: Please, if my kids had gone to bed at seven o’clock, I’d have dipped myself in gravy and danced naked on the rooftops. [Exits]

Charlie: She does make a hell of a gravy.

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[Charlie is sat at the piano, writing music. He plays. Jake runs through from his room to the kitchen.]

Jake: [happy] Morning Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: Morning. [realises how happy Jake was and stops playing.]

[Cut to the kitchen. Alan is sitting at the table, drinking tea. Berta is looking in the cupboards. Jake enters. Charlie follows.]

Jake: Morning Dad. Morning Berta.

Berta: Morning.

Alan: [confused] Morning.

Jake: So, Dad, what are we gonna do today?

Alan: I, uh, I don’t know. What would you like to do?

Jake: I don’t know, something fun. Maybe we could jam, Uncle Charlie.

Charlie: Great.

Jake: Dad, can I eat my cereal down by the TV?

Alan: Sure.

Jake: Thanks.

Alan: What happened to him?

Charlie: If I didn’t know better, I’d swear he got laid last night.

Berta: I hope you don’t mind but I talked to him before he went to sleep last night.

Alan: What did you say?

Berta: I said, drink this bottle of prune juice. [puts the bottle on the table.] You feed him nothing but pizza and pancakes. It’s a wonder his eyeballs are still in their sockets.

[Berta exits. Charlie and Alan look at each other.]

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[Charlie is at the piano. Jake is playing the guitar. Alan is stood by the piano with a  tambourine. Charlie stares at Alan in boredom and horror. Jake finishes his riff and looks at Alan, who jumps and bangs the tambourine. Jake starts the riff again. Charlie plays around to make his part more interesting, but Jake scowls, so Charlie holds his hand up as an apology.]

Jake: Wait a minute, wait a minute. [unplugs his guitar] Oh man, not again. [runs to the bathroom.]

Charlie: [watches him go] Jake Harper. Unplugged.