Épisode Massage dorsal S01E05 - Two And A Half Men Saison 1

Charlie rentre tôt le samedi matin de Las Vegas où il a passé la nuit. Il n'a qu'une envie, aller se coucher. Mais il avait promis à Jake de l'accompagner à son match de foot et il n'a pas le coeur de revenir sur sa promesse.

Charlie y rencontre une mère de famille divorcée, Kate, avec qui il sort. Alan tombe dans le piège de deux mères de famille divorcées qui ne veulent partager avec lui que des relations sexuelles.

[Charlie enters through the front door. He is wearing a tuxedo but looking distinctly dishevelled. As he shuts the door behind him, he winces.]

Charlie: [to himself] Never mix tequila and scotch.

[Jake runs up behind him.]

Jake: Morning Uncle Charlie!

Charlie: [jumps] Hey, Jake buddy!

Jake: Dad said you’d never get up to go to soccer with me but I said yu-huh, he promised. So he was wrong. Ha ha.

[Jake runs into the kitchen and Charlie lies down on the sofa.]

Charlie: Yea. Ha ha. [Suddenly realises] What??

[Alan comes out of the kitchen with Jake’s bag. He spots Charlie.]

Alan: Uh, you know, most of the parents wear shorts and lost of sunscreen, but that’s another way to go.

Charlie: Alan, I can’t go to a soccer game, I just got home from Vegas.

Alan: You went out last night to return a video.

Charlie: Yea, but I ran into a friend of mine who was getting married at the Bellagio.

Alan: Oh, that explains the tuxedo.

Charlie: [looks at himself] No, I think this was something else entirely.

Alan: Well, I’m sure I’ll read about it in the paper. Uh, anyway, I am the Soccer Snack Buddy this week, so I’ve gotta stop at the grocery store. Why don’t you ride to the game with Jake when the van gets here, huh?

Charlie: I got a better idea. Why don’t I go upstairs, throw up and sleep in my clothes for 12 hours?

Alan: Fine, but if you’re not gonna come… you gotta tell Jake yourself.

Charlie: Fine. He’ll understand.

[Charlie walks through to the kitchen where Jake is sat at the table, playing with his breakfast.]

Charlie: Hey, Jake.

Jake: I got new cleats. [shows Charlie his foot.]

Charlie: Nice, er, listen Jake, buddy… [Jake looks up at him with that cute, innocent stare] Have you ever been to Vegas?

[Cut to Charlie sitting in the van, in his tux, with Jake and some other boys. They are throwing footballs around. A woman [Gloria] is driving.]

Gloria: So, you’re the infamous Uncle Charlie? I’ve heard about you.

[One of the footballs hits Charlie on the head. He scowls.]

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[Gloria opens the van door and the boys start to clamber out. Charlie looks vaguely sick.]

Gloria: Everybody out, watch your heads. One at a time.

Jake: Party time. Come on.

[Jake climbs over Charlie and kicks his foot in his lap. Charlie grimaces. Once all the boys are gone, Gloria gets in the van and closes the door. Charlie looks confused.]

Gloria: So, here’s the deal Uncle Charlie. I find you attractive. I have three kids, a bastard of an ex-husband, I work 50 hours a week running my own travel agency, I’m at the peak of my sexuality and I have a three hour window Wednesday nights when the kids are at tae kwon do. You in or out?

Charlie: I’m sorry. I’m terminally hung over and I just took a cleat in the groin.

Gloria: Email me. [email protected].

 

[Cut to the middle of the match. The boys are playing, and Charlie is sat in the stands in his tuxedo. He winces when the whistle blows. A friendly blonde lady, Brooke, is sat next to him.]

Brooke: So, which one’s yours?

Charlie: [hunched up] Please don’t make me talk.

[Brooke looks slightly put out. Gloria is sat behind them.]

Gloria: This is Charlie Harper. Alan Harper’s brother.

[Brooke nods understanding. The whistle blows and everyone cheers. Charlie buries his head in his jacket.]

Charlie: So, who’s winning?

Brooke: No one. No, we don’t keep score. We think it’s healthier if the kids just play for fun.

Charlie: You’re yanking me, right?

Brooke: No. Yea, Judith warned us that you were a pistol. By the way, we were so sorry to hear about her and Alan.

Gloria: So, tell us, is it true? Did Judith leave your brother for another woman?

Charlie: Why don’t you ask Judith?

Brooke: We wouldn’t want to pry.

[Charlie looks over and spots Alan about to set up his snack stand.]

Charlie: Ladies, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go because… hell, I don’t need a reason. [Gets up and walks off.]

Brooke: Well, someone’s a little full of himself.

Gloria: Forget him, his brother’s the one who’s in play.

[Cut to Alan and Charlie. Charlie takes a drink from Alan.]

Alan: How’s Jake doing?

Charlie: Jake’s fine. He’s 10. He’s got his whole life ahead of him. Me, on the other hand? I’m sitting in the hot sun, in rented pants, listening to myself blink.

Alan: I’ll ask somebody else.

[Alan wanders off. A sporty looking woman in a baseball cap giggles.]

Charlie: What?

Woman: Sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing and you just look so… pathetic.

Charlie: Really? The guy at the tux shop said I looked dashing. Of course, that was yesterday. And I found his phone number in my pocket.

Woman: [laughs] What was the occasion?

Charlie: [climbs up to sit next to her] Just returning a video. [holds out his hand] Charlie Harper.

Woman: [shakes it] Kate McLaughlin.

Charlie: Let me ask you something Kate McLaughlin.

Kate: Mmm?

Charlie: What’s your take on this whole no keeping score thing?

Kate: I think it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

Charlie: [looks around] Can I stay here next to you, where it’s safe?

Kate: Sure. So, which one’s yours?

Charlie: Number nine. But I’m not the father.

Kate: [looks at him] Well, aren’t you a good sport?

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[The boys enter the house. Jake drops his bag in disgust.]

Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got ‘creamed’. No one won, no one lost.

Jake: Yea, except for us. 12-2.

Charlie: Well, it doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s whether or not you beat the spread.

Alan: Thank you Charlie. Jake, go take a shower. [Jake goes.] Charlie, we are trying to teach the kids not to keep score.

Charlie: You should have thought of that before you taught them to count. By the way, what are you doing with Jake tomorrow?

Alan: I don’t know, why?

Charlie: I made a play date for him with one of the kids from the game.

Alan: You’re hitting on the mother, aren’t you?

Charlie: Can’t slip one past you, can I?

Alan: That’s not what a play date is for.

Charlie: What? The kid plays. I have a date. Everybody wins.

Alan: Everybody wins?

Charlie: Yes. But I promise not to keep score.

Alan: Charlie, you cannot use my son to pick up single mothers.

Charlie: Ah, but I can. Good night, Snack Buddy.

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[Kate and Charlie are out on the deck. The kids are there, about to go off and play.]

Kate: No going in the water, no throwing rocks, and remember, if you can’t see us, we can’t see you. Is there anything you’d like to add, Charlie?

Charlie: Why can’t they throw rocks?

Kate: [laughs] Go. [The boys run off] Ernie loves the beach, thanks for inviting him.

Charlie: Hey, anything for the kids, they’re our future.

Kate: So, where’s Alan?

Charlie: I sent him to the movies. He deserves a break now and then, and I get some quality uncle time with Jake.

Kate: I think that is really nice of you. [spots something in the distance that we can’t see.] Ernie, keep your socks with your shoes! [to Charlie] I’m sorry, where was I?

Charlie: You were saying I was nice about something. So, how long have you lived in Sherman Oaks?

Kate: Gosh, we moved in and… [past the camera] Ernie, put that down, it’s dead! [to Charlie] I swear that kid’ll pick up anything no matter what it looks like.

Charlie: Been there.

Kate: Anyway, uh, we moved in just in time for the earthquake and… Ernie! I’m not gonna say it again. Put the dead thing down.

Charlie: [yells] Jake, you should probably put your dead thing down too. Kids, huh?

Kate: I know. They’re just… Ernie! Put it down or we’re leaving right now. I’m counting to three. One… two…

Charlie: [yells] Ernie, for god’s sake, you’re killing me here.

Kate: [laughs] Thank you.

Charlie: No problem. So, did you grow up in LA?

Kate: No. My dad was in the Army, so we moved around… oh, hell, that thing’s not dead. [She starts towards the beach.] Charlie, I would really like to get to know you but it is not gonna happen on a play date. Why don’t you ask me out sometime?

Charlie: That’s a really good…

[Sound of Ernie crying]

Kate: [off-screen] Are you happy? I told you to put it down, Ernie. Get the sand off of it. No, don’t touch it.

Charlie: What night’s good for you?

Kate: [off-screen] Jake, you’re not helping.

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[Alan is sitting on the sofa, fiddling with his laptop on the coffee table. Charlie comes down the stairs.]

Charlie: Don’t wait up.

Alan: Back to Vegas?

Charlie: Even better. Sherman Oaks. The gateway to Van Nuys.

Alan: Kate again? Charlie, you have no clue what you’re getting involved in with these divorced soccer moms. Come on.

Charlie: You’re right. I don’t have a clue. I’ve never had a clue. It’s part of my charm.

Alan: Well, at least keep in mind that all these women talk to each other. So anything you do will eventually get back to my wife and somehow become my fault.

Charlie: That doesn’t seem fair. [not really bothered] Oh well. [heads towards the door] So, where are you going?

Alan: I volunteered to help Gloria with the soccer league newsletter. I’m thinking of calling it, er, er “Just For Kicks.”

Charlie: Wait a minute, this is the same Gloria who drives the kid van?

Alan: Yea, why?

Charlie: Nothing. Have fun. [mutters] Talk about not having a clue.

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[Alan is sat on Gloria’s sofa, concentrating on his laptop.]

Alan: And, uh, I designed a logo. The ‘K’ in ‘Kicks’ is a little foot.

Gloria: [enters from the kitchen with two glasses of wine] Sounds wonderful. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to do this. [She hands him a glass.]

Alan: Oh, you know, anything for the kids.

Gloria: You’re such a good father. It’s a shame that Judith didn’t appreciate you.

Alan: I know, she just needed a little time to sort things out. But yea, it’s a shame.

Gloria: Look at you. A successful chiropractor, intelligent, dedicated.

Alan: Ah, you’re embarrassing me.

Gloria: I’m sorry. Let’s get back to your little logo. [She moves closer to him on the sofa.] Ow. [she puts a hand to her neck.]

Alan: What’s wrong?

Gloria: Hmm? Oh, nothing. It’s my neck, I must have slept wrong.

Alan: Well, why don’t you make an appointment with my office and we’ll see if we can fix that.

Gloria: No, no, I’d feel funny. [She puts a hand on his arm.] We know each other.

Alan: Don’t be silly, it’s what I do. Here, turn around, turn around. Go ahead. [She turns around and he presses his hands into her back.] Are you getting enough calcium?

Gloria: I guess.

Alan: It’s really important for a woman your age. [Gloria doesn’t look impressed] Osteoporosis is a real problem. Curvature of the spine. Last thing you want is to wind up with a hump.

[Brooke opens the front door and peers in.]

Brooke: Knocky knocky. [Gloria and Alan look round. She enters] Oh well, I hope you didn’t start without me.

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[Charlie steps over a bike on the front porch and goes to the front door of Kate’s house. He can hear voices through the door, so stops to listen.]

Bill: [through the door] What are you talking about?

Kate: [through the door] Bill, you did this on purpose. You showed up late just so you could snoop on me.

Bill: [through the door] Hey, you got to meet my girlfriend.

Kate: [through the door] What meet? She was our babysitter. Will you get out of here, Bill?

Bill: [through the door] Kate, I’m trying. Ernie, would you put your shoes on?

[The door opens and a big man steps out. Charlie jumps backwards.]

Charlie: Hey.

Bill: Hey. [folds his arms and glares at Charlie, then relents and holds out his hand.] Bill.

Charlie: [shakes it] Charlie.

[Awkward silence.]

Bill: That your Jag?

Charlie: Yea.

Bill: It’s nice. I got the Navigator over there.

Charlie: That’s nice, too.

[Ernie runs out of the door and past them.]

Ernie: Let’s go Dad.

Bill: Well, alright then, you try and make her happy.

[Charlie stares after him.]

[Cut to Alan sat between the two women.]

Brooke: Truthfully? I think that my ex was intimidated by my sexual… I don’t even know how to say it… appetite.

Alan: Huh. So, we’re agreed we’ll set aside six inches for the editorial column?

Brooke: Oh, I’m sorry, er, yes. Six inches. I don’t know how I got so off topic.

Gloria: I know exactly how you got off topic.

Charlie: Okay, I think the next piece of business is to decide on the paper colour. I bought some samples, we’ve got goldenrod, salmon, mustard…

Gloria: You had me at goldenrod.

Brooke: Oh, everybody has you at goldenrod.

[Cut to Charlie driving with Kate in the passenger seat. They smile at each other.]

Charlie: My brother, Alan, warned me not to go out with you tonight.

Kate: That’s funny. Everybody warned me not to go out with you.

Charlie: Hey, it worked for Romeo and Juliet. Well, up until the poison and the stabbing.

Kate: Charlie, I have a confession. I haven’t been out with a man other than my husband in twelve years.

Charlie: That’s not a problem. A couple of things have changed but I can bring you up to date.

Kate: Please do.

Charlie: [smiles] Alright, well, nowadays, women pay for dinner. And of course, sex I a given.

Kate: Well, I’ll tell you one thing, I am not paying for dinner.

Charlie: Rats.

[Cut to Alan, still sat between the women.]

Brooke: Well… [gets up] look at the time. Maybe we should get going, give Gloria a little quiet time before her many, many kids come home.

Gloria: I don’t need any quiet time.

Brooke: Don’t be silly. Alan, would you mind driving me home? I’m feeling a little tipsy.

Gloria: [stands up] A little tipsy? How about a little obvious?

Brooke: I’m sorry?

Gloria: Could I talk to you for a minute?

Alan: [starts to get up] You know, it is getting a little late…

Gloria: Sit down. [he sits] We’ll be right back.

Brooke: I think she’s going through the change.

[They go into the kitchen and Alan can hear them through the door. At various intervals, he looks confused and hurt, he gets nearer to the door, then rushes back to the sofa.]

Gloria: What do you think you’re doing?

Brooke: What? He’s in play, I’m playing.

Gloria: I’m the one who told you he’s in play.

Brooke: Oh, please, I told you two years ago that marriage was toast.

Gloria: So what? He’s in my house on tae kwon do Wednesday and I don’t have time to mess around with you.

Brooke: Why don’t we just let him decide?

Gloria: Let him decide? He still thinks we’re doing a soccer newsletter.

Brooke: You don’t even like him, do you?

Gloria: He’s okay. He’s here and it’s Wednesday. [Alan starts to go towards the door.]

Brooke: Well, I happen to think he’s hot. [He smiles]

Gloria: You wouldn’t even know what to do with a hot guy.

Brooke: Yea? Well, watch me.

[She opens the kitchen door and knocks Alan out with it.]

Gloria: Great. You broke him.

[Cut to Kate’s front porch. Charlie is walking her to the door.]

Charlie: The biggest surprise was how much I love having him around. I mean, Jake’s amazing. Do you know, I have, on occasion, actually put his needs ahead of my own?

Kate: Like going to a soccer game at 8am on a Saturday?

Charlie: Yes! At 8am I can barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom.

Kate: So, what you’re saying is having a child in your life totally changes the way you look at things.

Charlie: Exactly. Of course, you probably know that already.

Kate: Yea. But I like that you know it. I had a really great time.

Charlie: Me too. Can we do this again?

Kate: I would love that.

Charlie: Great.

[He tentatively steps forward and kisses her. She responds for a moment, but then starts sobbing. Charlie steps back and Kate covers her face with her hand.]

Charlie: Woah. What happened? Did I do something wrong? [Kate shakes her head.] Please don’t tell Alan’s wife.

Kate: No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I really like you.

Charlie: [Confused] Okay, this is new for me.

Kate: [puts her hands down] It’s just… Charlie, I have a 10 year old son. I have two mortgages, private school bills, a full time job, custody battles, alimony battles, child support battles, car pools and drum lessons and… How can we possibly do this again?

Charlie: You bought a 10 year old a drum set?

Kate: [smiles] Don’t change the subject. You know what I’m saying. I mean, do you really want to be involved in this?

Charlie: I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.

Kate: Exactly.

Charlie: Alright, well, I guess I’ll see you around.

Kate: Well, where you going?

Charlie: Home.

Kate: Why? I mean, I said we couldn’t do it again, that doesn’t mean we can’t do it tonight. [She holds out her hand and Charlie takes it] Boy, you really don’t have a clue, do you Charlie?

Charlie: No. But it seems to be working for me. [They go inside.]

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[Charlie picks up the newspaper on his front mat before going inside. Alan is at a kitchen counter, his back to Charlie.]

Charlie: Morning.

Alan: Hey.

[He turns round and he has a bandage across his nose. Charlie looks at it for a moment, then points to the coffee.]

Charlie: Regular or decaf?

Alan: Regular.

Charlie: Thank god.

[Charlie pours himself a mug and sips from it. Alan stares at him.]

Alan: Aren’t you even curious?

Charlie: You went to Gloria’s last night.

Alan: Yea.

Charlie: I can fill in the blanks.

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[Another soccer game. Jake gets a bottle of water out of the cooler.]

Jake: Man, we’re getting killed.

Charlie: Hey, we’re here for fun right. Nobody wins or loses.

Alan: Oh come on, somebody always loses. [stands up and yells at everyone] Who are we kidding? It’s 8-1 out there and everybody here knows it. And you know, I’ll tell you another thing. We haven’t won a game all season. And I’ll put that in the newsletter. And as God is my witness, there will be a newsletter.

Jake: Dad, you’re kinda freaking everybody out here.

Charlie: Forget it Jake, it’s Sherman Oaks.

[Charlie enters through the front door. He is wearing a tuxedo but looking distinctly dishevelled. As he shuts the door behind him, he winces.]

Charlie: [to himself] Never mix tequila and scotch.

[Jake runs up behind him.]

Jake: Morning Uncle Charlie!

Charlie: [jumps] Hey, Jake buddy!

Jake: Dad said you’d never get up to go to soccer with me but I said yu-huh, he promised. So he was wrong. Ha ha.

[Jake runs into the kitchen and Charlie lies down on the sofa.]

Charlie: Yea. Ha ha. [Suddenly realises] What??

[Alan comes out of the kitchen with Jake’s bag. He spots Charlie.]

Alan: Uh, you know, most of the parents wear shorts and lost of sunscreen, but that’s another way to go.

Charlie: Alan, I can’t go to a soccer game, I just got home from Vegas.

Alan: You went out last night to return a video.

Charlie: Yea, but I ran into a friend of mine who was getting married at the Bellagio.

Alan: Oh, that explains the tuxedo.

Charlie: [looks at himself] No, I think this was something else entirely.

Alan: Well, I’m sure I’ll read about it in the paper. Uh, anyway, I am the Soccer Snack Buddy this week, so I’ve gotta stop at the grocery store. Why don’t you ride to the game with Jake when the van gets here, huh?

Charlie: I got a better idea. Why don’t I go upstairs, throw up and sleep in my clothes for 12 hours?

Alan: Fine, but if you’re not gonna come… you gotta tell Jake yourself.

Charlie: Fine. He’ll understand.

[Charlie walks through to the kitchen where Jake is sat at the table, playing with his breakfast.]

Charlie: Hey, Jake.

Jake: I got new cleats. [shows Charlie his foot.]

Charlie: Nice, er, listen Jake, buddy… [Jake looks up at him with that cute, innocent stare] Have you ever been to Vegas?

[Cut to Charlie sitting in the van, in his tux, with Jake and some other boys. They are throwing footballs around. A woman [Gloria] is driving.]

Gloria: So, you’re the infamous Uncle Charlie? I’ve heard about you.

[One of the footballs hits Charlie on the head. He scowls.]

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[Gloria opens the van door and the boys start to clamber out. Charlie looks vaguely sick.]

Gloria: Everybody out, watch your heads. One at a time.

Jake: Party time. Come on.

[Jake climbs over Charlie and kicks his foot in his lap. Charlie grimaces. Once all the boys are gone, Gloria gets in the van and closes the door. Charlie looks confused.]

Gloria: So, here’s the deal Uncle Charlie. I find you attractive. I have three kids, a bastard of an ex-husband, I work 50 hours a week running my own travel agency, I’m at the peak of my sexuality and I have a three hour window Wednesday nights when the kids are at tae kwon do. You in or out?

Charlie: I’m sorry. I’m terminally hung over and I just took a cleat in the groin.

Gloria: Email me. [email protected].

 

[Cut to the middle of the match. The boys are playing, and Charlie is sat in the stands in his tuxedo. He winces when the whistle blows. A friendly blonde lady, Brooke, is sat next to him.]

Brooke: So, which one’s yours?

Charlie: [hunched up] Please don’t make me talk.

[Brooke looks slightly put out. Gloria is sat behind them.]

Gloria: This is Charlie Harper. Alan Harper’s brother.

[Brooke nods understanding. The whistle blows and everyone cheers. Charlie buries his head in his jacket.]

Charlie: So, who’s winning?

Brooke: No one. No, we don’t keep score. We think it’s healthier if the kids just play for fun.

Charlie: You’re yanking me, right?

Brooke: No. Yea, Judith warned us that you were a pistol. By the way, we were so sorry to hear about her and Alan.

Gloria: So, tell us, is it true? Did Judith leave your brother for another woman?

Charlie: Why don’t you ask Judith?

Brooke: We wouldn’t want to pry.

[Charlie looks over and spots Alan about to set up his snack stand.]

Charlie: Ladies, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go because… hell, I don’t need a reason. [Gets up and walks off.]

Brooke: Well, someone’s a little full of himself.

Gloria: Forget him, his brother’s the one who’s in play.

[Cut to Alan and Charlie. Charlie takes a drink from Alan.]

Alan: How’s Jake doing?

Charlie: Jake’s fine. He’s 10. He’s got his whole life ahead of him. Me, on the other hand? I’m sitting in the hot sun, in rented pants, listening to myself blink.

Alan: I’ll ask somebody else.

[Alan wanders off. A sporty looking woman in a baseball cap giggles.]

Charlie: What?

Woman: Sorry, I couldn’t help overhearing and you just look so… pathetic.

Charlie: Really? The guy at the tux shop said I looked dashing. Of course, that was yesterday. And I found his phone number in my pocket.

Woman: [laughs] What was the occasion?

Charlie: [climbs up to sit next to her] Just returning a video. [holds out his hand] Charlie Harper.

Woman: [shakes it] Kate McLaughlin.

Charlie: Let me ask you something Kate McLaughlin.

Kate: Mmm?

Charlie: What’s your take on this whole no keeping score thing?

Kate: I think it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

Charlie: [looks around] Can I stay here next to you, where it’s safe?

Kate: Sure. So, which one’s yours?

Charlie: Number nine. But I’m not the father.

Kate: [looks at him] Well, aren’t you a good sport?

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[The boys enter the house. Jake drops his bag in disgust.]

Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got ‘creamed’. No one won, no one lost.

Jake: Yea, except for us. 12-2.

Charlie: Well, it doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s whether or not you beat the spread.

Alan: Thank you Charlie. Jake, go take a shower. [Jake goes.] Charlie, we are trying to teach the kids not to keep score.

Charlie: You should have thought of that before you taught them to count. By the way, what are you doing with Jake tomorrow?

Alan: I don’t know, why?

Charlie: I made a play date for him with one of the kids from the game.

Alan: You’re hitting on the mother, aren’t you?

Charlie: Can’t slip one past you, can I?

Alan: That’s not what a play date is for.

Charlie: What? The kid plays. I have a date. Everybody wins.

Alan: Everybody wins?

Charlie: Yes. But I promise not to keep score.

Alan: Charlie, you cannot use my son to pick up single mothers.

Charlie: Ah, but I can. Good night, Snack Buddy.

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[Kate and Charlie are out on the deck. The kids are there, about to go off and play.]

Kate: No going in the water, no throwing rocks, and remember, if you can’t see us, we can’t see you. Is there anything you’d like to add, Charlie?

Charlie: Why can’t they throw rocks?

Kate: [laughs] Go. [The boys run off] Ernie loves the beach, thanks for inviting him.

Charlie: Hey, anything for the kids, they’re our future.

Kate: So, where’s Alan?

Charlie: I sent him to the movies. He deserves a break now and then, and I get some quality uncle time with Jake.

Kate: I think that is really nice of you. [spots something in the distance that we can’t see.] Ernie, keep your socks with your shoes! [to Charlie] I’m sorry, where was I?

Charlie: You were saying I was nice about something. So, how long have you lived in Sherman Oaks?

Kate: Gosh, we moved in and… [past the camera] Ernie, put that down, it’s dead! [to Charlie] I swear that kid’ll pick up anything no matter what it looks like.

Charlie: Been there.

Kate: Anyway, uh, we moved in just in time for the earthquake and… Ernie! I’m not gonna say it again. Put the dead thing down.

Charlie: [yells] Jake, you should probably put your dead thing down too. Kids, huh?

Kate: I know. They’re just… Ernie! Put it down or we’re leaving right now. I’m counting to three. One… two…

Charlie: [yells] Ernie, for god’s sake, you’re killing me here.

Kate: [laughs] Thank you.

Charlie: No problem. So, did you grow up in LA?

Kate: No. My dad was in the Army, so we moved around… oh, hell, that thing’s not dead. [She starts towards the beach.] Charlie, I would really like to get to know you but it is not gonna happen on a play date. Why don’t you ask me out sometime?

Charlie: That’s a really good…

[Sound of Ernie crying]

Kate: [off-screen] Are you happy? I told you to put it down, Ernie. Get the sand off of it. No, don’t touch it.

Charlie: What night’s good for you?

Kate: [off-screen] Jake, you’re not helping.

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[Alan is sitting on the sofa, fiddling with his laptop on the coffee table. Charlie comes down the stairs.]

Charlie: Don’t wait up.

Alan: Back to Vegas?

Charlie: Even better. Sherman Oaks. The gateway to Van Nuys.

Alan: Kate again? Charlie, you have no clue what you’re getting involved in with these divorced soccer moms. Come on.

Charlie: You’re right. I don’t have a clue. I’ve never had a clue. It’s part of my charm.

Alan: Well, at least keep in mind that all these women talk to each other. So anything you do will eventually get back to my wife and somehow become my fault.

Charlie: That doesn’t seem fair. [not really bothered] Oh well. [heads towards the door] So, where are you going?

Alan: I volunteered to help Gloria with the soccer league newsletter. I’m thinking of calling it, er, er “Just For Kicks.”

Charlie: Wait a minute, this is the same Gloria who drives the kid van?

Alan: Yea, why?

Charlie: Nothing. Have fun. [mutters] Talk about not having a clue.

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[Alan is sat on Gloria’s sofa, concentrating on his laptop.]

Alan: And, uh, I designed a logo. The ‘K’ in ‘Kicks’ is a little foot.

Gloria: [enters from the kitchen with two glasses of wine] Sounds wonderful. I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to do this. [She hands him a glass.]

Alan: Oh, you know, anything for the kids.

Gloria: You’re such a good father. It’s a shame that Judith didn’t appreciate you.

Alan: I know, she just needed a little time to sort things out. But yea, it’s a shame.

Gloria: Look at you. A successful chiropractor, intelligent, dedicated.

Alan: Ah, you’re embarrassing me.

Gloria: I’m sorry. Let’s get back to your little logo. [She moves closer to him on the sofa.] Ow. [she puts a hand to her neck.]

Alan: What’s wrong?

Gloria: Hmm? Oh, nothing. It’s my neck, I must have slept wrong.

Alan: Well, why don’t you make an appointment with my office and we’ll see if we can fix that.

Gloria: No, no, I’d feel funny. [She puts a hand on his arm.] We know each other.

Alan: Don’t be silly, it’s what I do. Here, turn around, turn around. Go ahead. [She turns around and he presses his hands into her back.] Are you getting enough calcium?

Gloria: I guess.

Alan: It’s really important for a woman your age. [Gloria doesn’t look impressed] Osteoporosis is a real problem. Curvature of the spine. Last thing you want is to wind up with a hump.

[Brooke opens the front door and peers in.]

Brooke: Knocky knocky. [Gloria and Alan look round. She enters] Oh well, I hope you didn’t start without me.

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[Charlie steps over a bike on the front porch and goes to the front door of Kate’s house. He can hear voices through the door, so stops to listen.]

Bill: [through the door] What are you talking about?

Kate: [through the door] Bill, you did this on purpose. You showed up late just so you could snoop on me.

Bill: [through the door] Hey, you got to meet my girlfriend.

Kate: [through the door] What meet? She was our babysitter. Will you get out of here, Bill?

Bill: [through the door] Kate, I’m trying. Ernie, would you put your shoes on?

[The door opens and a big man steps out. Charlie jumps backwards.]

Charlie: Hey.

Bill: Hey. [folds his arms and glares at Charlie, then relents and holds out his hand.] Bill.

Charlie: [shakes it] Charlie.

[Awkward silence.]

Bill: That your Jag?

Charlie: Yea.

Bill: It’s nice. I got the Navigator over there.

Charlie: That’s nice, too.

[Ernie runs out of the door and past them.]

Ernie: Let’s go Dad.

Bill: Well, alright then, you try and make her happy.

[Charlie stares after him.]

[Cut to Alan sat between the two women.]

Brooke: Truthfully? I think that my ex was intimidated by my sexual… I don’t even know how to say it… appetite.

Alan: Huh. So, we’re agreed we’ll set aside six inches for the editorial column?

Brooke: Oh, I’m sorry, er, yes. Six inches. I don’t know how I got so off topic.

Gloria: I know exactly how you got off topic.

Charlie: Okay, I think the next piece of business is to decide on the paper colour. I bought some samples, we’ve got goldenrod, salmon, mustard…

Gloria: You had me at goldenrod.

Brooke: Oh, everybody has you at goldenrod.

[Cut to Charlie driving with Kate in the passenger seat. They smile at each other.]

Charlie: My brother, Alan, warned me not to go out with you tonight.

Kate: That’s funny. Everybody warned me not to go out with you.

Charlie: Hey, it worked for Romeo and Juliet. Well, up until the poison and the stabbing.

Kate: Charlie, I have a confession. I haven’t been out with a man other than my husband in twelve years.

Charlie: That’s not a problem. A couple of things have changed but I can bring you up to date.

Kate: Please do.

Charlie: [smiles] Alright, well, nowadays, women pay for dinner. And of course, sex I a given.

Kate: Well, I’ll tell you one thing, I am not paying for dinner.

Charlie: Rats.

[Cut to Alan, still sat between the women.]

Brooke: Well… [gets up] look at the time. Maybe we should get going, give Gloria a little quiet time before her many, many kids come home.

Gloria: I don’t need any quiet time.

Brooke: Don’t be silly. Alan, would you mind driving me home? I’m feeling a little tipsy.

Gloria: [stands up] A little tipsy? How about a little obvious?

Brooke: I’m sorry?

Gloria: Could I talk to you for a minute?

Alan: [starts to get up] You know, it is getting a little late…

Gloria: Sit down. [he sits] We’ll be right back.

Brooke: I think she’s going through the change.

[They go into the kitchen and Alan can hear them through the door. At various intervals, he looks confused and hurt, he gets nearer to the door, then rushes back to the sofa.]

Gloria: What do you think you’re doing?

Brooke: What? He’s in play, I’m playing.

Gloria: I’m the one who told you he’s in play.

Brooke: Oh, please, I told you two years ago that marriage was toast.

Gloria: So what? He’s in my house on tae kwon do Wednesday and I don’t have time to mess around with you.

Brooke: Why don’t we just let him decide?

Gloria: Let him decide? He still thinks we’re doing a soccer newsletter.

Brooke: You don’t even like him, do you?

Gloria: He’s okay. He’s here and it’s Wednesday. [Alan starts to go towards the door.]

Brooke: Well, I happen to think he’s hot. [He smiles]

Gloria: You wouldn’t even know what to do with a hot guy.

Brooke: Yea? Well, watch me.

[She opens the kitchen door and knocks Alan out with it.]

Gloria: Great. You broke him.

[Cut to Kate’s front porch. Charlie is walking her to the door.]

Charlie: The biggest surprise was how much I love having him around. I mean, Jake’s amazing. Do you know, I have, on occasion, actually put his needs ahead of my own?

Kate: Like going to a soccer game at 8am on a Saturday?

Charlie: Yes! At 8am I can barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom.

Kate: So, what you’re saying is having a child in your life totally changes the way you look at things.

Charlie: Exactly. Of course, you probably know that already.

Kate: Yea. But I like that you know it. I had a really great time.

Charlie: Me too. Can we do this again?

Kate: I would love that.

Charlie: Great.

[He tentatively steps forward and kisses her. She responds for a moment, but then starts sobbing. Charlie steps back and Kate covers her face with her hand.]

Charlie: Woah. What happened? Did I do something wrong? [Kate shakes her head.] Please don’t tell Alan’s wife.

Kate: No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I really like you.

Charlie: [Confused] Okay, this is new for me.

Kate: [puts her hands down] It’s just… Charlie, I have a 10 year old son. I have two mortgages, private school bills, a full time job, custody battles, alimony battles, child support battles, car pools and drum lessons and… How can we possibly do this again?

Charlie: You bought a 10 year old a drum set?

Kate: [smiles] Don’t change the subject. You know what I’m saying. I mean, do you really want to be involved in this?

Charlie: I hadn’t really thought that far ahead.

Kate: Exactly.

Charlie: Alright, well, I guess I’ll see you around.

Kate: Well, where you going?

Charlie: Home.

Kate: Why? I mean, I said we couldn’t do it again, that doesn’t mean we can’t do it tonight. [She holds out her hand and Charlie takes it] Boy, you really don’t have a clue, do you Charlie?

Charlie: No. But it seems to be working for me. [They go inside.]

-------------------------------

[Charlie picks up the newspaper on his front mat before going inside. Alan is at a kitchen counter, his back to Charlie.]

Charlie: Morning.

Alan: Hey.

[He turns round and he has a bandage across his nose. Charlie looks at it for a moment, then points to the coffee.]

Charlie: Regular or decaf?

Alan: Regular.

Charlie: Thank god.

[Charlie pours himself a mug and sips from it. Alan stares at him.]

Alan: Aren’t you even curious?

Charlie: You went to Gloria’s last night.

Alan: Yea.

Charlie: I can fill in the blanks.

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[Another soccer game. Jake gets a bottle of water out of the cooler.]

Jake: Man, we’re getting killed.

Charlie: Hey, we’re here for fun right. Nobody wins or loses.

Alan: Oh come on, somebody always loses. [stands up and yells at everyone] Who are we kidding? It’s 8-1 out there and everybody here knows it. And you know, I’ll tell you another thing. We haven’t won a game all season. And I’ll put that in the newsletter. And as God is my witness, there will be a newsletter.

Jake: Dad, you’re kinda freaking everybody out here.

Charlie: Forget it Jake, it’s Sherman Oaks.

 

Source: www.twiztv.com