[Jake is sitting on the sofa watching the television. Alan is in the kitchen. Charlie enters through the back door in full softball gear.]
Charlie: Hey.
Jake: Hi Uncle Charlie.
Alan: How was your game?
Charlie: Ah, musician’s softball league is a joke. Guys trying to catch stuff that isn’t there, people throwing up on an easy double play ball.
Alan: So, why do you go?
Charlie: There’s an open bar and they let me pitch.
Alan: Well, I’ve got to get dressed. Uh, I was going to throw this toast out but it’s yours if you want it. [Exits.]
Charlie: When did I become the family dog? [Sniffs the toast and decides it’s not too bad. He picks up a piece of paper from the table.] Hey Jake, what’s this? A phone message?
Jake: Yea, some lady called for you.
Charlie: Who? I can’t read your writing.
Jake: [holds out his hand for the paper, then reads] You’re a big selfish jerk. [And hands the paper back.]
Charlie: Okay, I know who this is. Amy. Probably Amy.
Jake: Yep, Amy. She wants you to call her back.
Charlie: Yea, that’ll happen.
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: Because I never said I’d call her back. [takes the remote and shuts off the television] Remember this, Jake… never make promises to women that you don’t intend to keep. And you know how you do that?
Jake: Always keep my promises?
Charlie: That might work. A better way is never make promises.
Jake: What happens if Amy calls again?
Charlie: Okay, I’m glad you asked that. When the phone rings at Uncle Charlie’s house, we don’t just willy nilly pick up the receiver and answer it. No. [reaches for the phone handset] What we do is we check the caller ID and only pick up if we want to talk to that person.
Jake: Like Mom?
Charlie: That depends. Your mom, yes. My mom, no.
Jake: How come you don’t want to talk to your mom?
Charlie: I’ll tell you all about that when you’re old enough to drink.
Jake: What if I want to talk to your mom?
Charlie: Okay, that kind of attitude is gonna break down the whole system. [takes a bite out of the toast.]
--------------------------------------
[Charlie is sitting out on the deck, making notes on manuscript paper. The phone is ringing. Alan walks in from the kitchen and reaches for the phone. Jake comes running in from his bedroom.]
Jake: Dad, no, don’t pick up the phone!
Alan: Why not?
Jake: It might be your mom. Or a woman. [Looks at the caller ID] It’s Amy again. She just won’t give up.
Alan: [understands] Charlie? [goes out onto the deck] Look, I appreciate your need for privacy, but I think you’re sending a bad message to my son about how to deal with women.
Charlie: How so?
Alan: He thinks it’s okay to avoid somebody just because the conversation might be uncomfortable.
[Charlie ignores him and continues with his music.]
Alan: Charlie? Okay, that’s not funny.
Charlie: Look, if I’m teaching the kid anything, it’s honesty.
Alan: Really? Walk me through the lesson, Charlie. Educate me.
Charlie: Okay. I tell women upfront I’m not looking for a long-term relationship. If they don’t believe me, or they’re determined to change my mind, I have a right to avoid that conversation. And the phone company obviously agrees with me otherwise they wouldn’t have invented caller ID.
[Jake opens the door and steps out.]
Jake: Uncle Charlie? What if someone you don’t want to talk to comes over instead of calls?
Charlie: Just tell them I’m not here.
Jake: [shouts] He’s not here, Grandma.
[Charlie looks worried and gets up. He follows Evelyn into the kitchen. She looks mad.]
Charlie: Mom, you just surprised me. You should have called first.
Evelyn: Charlie, I call constantly. You screen like an Olympic drug tester.
Alan: I’m happy to see you, Mom.
Evelyn: I don’t believe you, sweetheart, but at least you care enough to lie.
Charlie: Hey, I care enough to lie. You just caught me off guard. So, what are you doing here?
Evelyn: Well, I’m showing a house up the beach and I though while I’m in the neighbourhood, I would drop off a gift for my grandson. [Gets out her chequebook.]
Alan: You’re writing him a cheque? What kind of gift is that?
Evelyn: You told me he likes transformer toys. This cheque transforms into any toy he wants. [hands Jake the cheque.]
Jake: Wow, thanks Grandma.
Evelyn: Is that all? Don’t I get a hug? [Jake hugs her] Oh, your Grandma loves you so, so, so, so much. [sees her watch] Oh, Grandma’s gotta go to work. Nobody just gives her cheques. [Signals to Charlie and Alan] Walk me. [They follow her to the door] In case you’re at all interested, I have been seeing a man and he just may be the one.
Alan: Hey, five times the charm.
Evelyn: Four.
Alan: But what about the guy with the…
Evelyn: That was annulled.
Alan: Oh.
Charlie: Oh boy, are we gonna have a new daddy?
Evelyn: Oh, bite me, Charlie. Now, I would like to have a dinner at the house so you boys can meet him. What night is good for you?
Alan: Uh, what night do you want us?
Evelyn: Uh, uh, uh, I you asked first.
Alan: Uh, well, Jake’s here weekends, it’s Thursday. Check my calendar.
Charlie: [mutters] Don’t really want to.
Evelyn: Tomorrow night. 7 o’clock. It’s very important to me and I hope you can make it. But I’ll certainly understand if you’re too busy for your mother. [Exits]
Alan: You know what she’s trying to do, don’t you?
Charlie: Of course I know.
Alan: But maybe one of us should go.
Charlie: Oh sure, you go, I look bad.
Alan: What do you care?
Charlie: I don’t care.
Alan: Then don’t go.
Charlie: I’m not going.
Alan: I’m not going, either.
[Cut to them and Jake walking up to Evelyn’s front door.]
Charlie: I’m not staying.
Alan: We’ll eat, we’ll go.
Charlie: No coffee, no dessert.
Alan: We can’t be rude.
[Jake rings the doorbell.]
Charlie: Watch me. I refuse to let that woman… [the door opens] Hi ma.
Evelyn: Better late than never.
Alan: We’re right on time.
Evelyn: I was referring to the big picture.
Jake: Hi Grandma.
Evelyn: And look, you brought Jake to meet my new beau. Come here sweetheart, now tonight, you and I are going to play a game. And the name of the game is “Don’t call me Grandma.”
Jake: What kind of game is that?
Evelyn: It’s a fun game, honey. It only has one rule. You have to call me Evelyn.
Jake: Okay.
Evelyn: Try it.
Jake: Evelyn.
Evelyn: See? We’re having fun already. [She ushers Jake into the house and looks at the brothers.] Oh look, you didn’t bring wine. Good. Too many people bring wine.
[They go inside. Tommy is standing in the living room, with a glass in one hand.]
Evelyn: Tommy, darling, I’d like you to meet my sons. This is Charlie.
Tommy: [extends his hand] Charlie.
Charlie: [shakes it] Hi Tommy, how are you?
Evelyn: Alan.
Alan: [shaking hands] Hello.
Tommy: Hi.
Evelyn: And this is Jake.
Jake: Yes, I am, Evelyn.
Evelyn: [quietly, to Jake] Let’s not beat it to death, okay?
Tommy: [shakes Jake’s hand] Good to meet you, Jake.
Evelyn: [spots someone] Oh, there you are. Boys, this is Tommy’s daughter, Olivia.
[Charlie turns and his eyes pop out on stalks. He recognises her.]
Olivia: Hello, Charlie.
Charlie: Hey there, stranger.
Tommy: Do you two know each other?
Olivia: I thought I knew him.
Evelyn: Oh no. Okay, who would like a drink? I would like a drink. Charlie, come help me make the drinks. Alan, talk to Olivia. [As an afterthought] Alan was a Caesarean.
[Evelyn and Charlie go to make drinks, leaving Alan wondering what to say.]
Alan: It wasn’t medically necessary. She just had a function to go to.
[Cut to Evelyn pouring a drink.]
Evelyn: Is there anyone in the 310 area code that you have not mounted?
Charlie: Come on, we went out a couple of times, she assumed it was an exclusive thing and when she found out it wasn’t, she got a little upset.
[Charlie looks over at Olivia who is giving him an evil look. He waves. Evelyn takes a long swig of her drink.]
Charlie: Anyway, Tommy seems like a real nice guy. I am very happy for you. Goodnight.
Evelyn: Charles. You are not going anywhere. This man is very important to me. Now, we are going to have a nice dinner, you are going to be charming and Tommy will remain oblivious to the fact that you defiled his daughter.
Charlie: Hey, she wasn’t exactly filed when I met her.
[Cut to the rest of the group. They are sitting on the sofas.]
Tommy: You don’t know how lucky you are to have a mother like Evelyn. She is the warmest, most affectionate, giving woman I have ever known.
Alan: That’s my mom.
Jake: [whispers to Alan] Call her Evelyn, that’s the game.
Alan: You play your game, I’ll play mine.
[Evelyn returns with the drinks. Charlie follows.]
Evelyn: Here we are.
Tommy: There’s my little karaoke cupcake.
Evelyn: Oh, Tommy, you are not telling that story. We took one of those little cruises to Alaska. Glaciers and whales, I didn’t quite see the point of it all. But during the evening there was this karaoke competition and as you know, I’m no stranger to the stage.
Alan: Yes, mom, I know.
Olivia: Excuse me.
[She heads over to Charlie. Evelyn watches her warily.]
Evelyn: Anyway, you know how I have always sung um… These Boots Were Made For Walking with my little dance routine.
Alan: Yes, mom, I have it on my wedding video.
[Cut to Olivia and Charlie.]
Olivia: So, how have you been?
Charlie: Oh, you know…
Olivia: No, I don’t know Charlie. When people don’t return your calls, it’s kinda hard to know how they’ve been.
Charlie: Okay, look, I know this is an awkward coincidence.
Olivia: It’s no coincidence. When my father told me who he was dating, I made a point of being here.
Charlie: Oh, well, you can’t argue the awkward part, right?
[Back to Evelyn]
Evelyn: So, I’m zipping up my boots, and I am about to go on stage, when this hausfrau from Tone-Deaf Texas gets up and starts singing my song. Well, I think you can imagine how unhappy I was.
Olivia: [raised voices] Don’t tell me to calm down, you lied to me!
Charlie: I did not lie to you. And you could have told me this on the phone.
Olivia: You never answer your phone.
Charlie: Of course not. Who wants to have this conversation?
Evelyn: [tries to continue] So, um, I sidled up to the woman and, and really very smoothly, turned it into a duet when suddenly she starts pushing me…
Olivia: You said I was very special to you.
Charlie: You were.
Olivia: Yea, me and three other women.
Charlie: I said you were special, not unique.
Olivia: Drop dead, you bastard. [She throws her drink in his face and runs out.]
Tommy: Excuse me. [Goes after her.]
[Evelyn glares at Charlie.]
Charlie: In my defence… ah, screw it.
Jake: Finish the story, Evelyn. Did you push her back?
----------------------------------------
[Charlie comes home in his softball gear. Alan is in the kitchen.]
Charlie: Stupid musician’s league. I don’t know why I bother. Get this. Tie score, we are down to our last out. Our best hitter, Billy Kresky’s up. The bases are loaded, and so is Kresky. His whole family is standing behind the backstop crying and pleading “Go back to rehab Daddy, we love you.” Needless to say, he choked.
Alan: Charlie, I think we’ve got a bigger problem. Our mother is missing.
Charlie: Don’t try to cheer me up.
Alan: I’m serious. I called her home, her car, her cell, nothing.
Charlie: Did you check with the captain of the flying monkeys?
Alan: Charlie.
Charlie: She’s probably just sulking because I screwed up her dinner party last week.
Alan: That’s what I thought to. Except I called her office and they haven’t heard from her either.
Charlie: Okay, that’s weird.
Alan: Yea, I think somebody needs to go over there and make sure she’s okay.
Charlie: Good idea. You do that and I’ll stay here in case she calls.
Alan: Why don’t you go and I’ll stay here in case she calls?
Charlie: No, I gotta be honest, I like my idea better.
Alan: Well, I’m not going there alone.
Charlie: I’m not going at all.
[Cut to the boys walking up to the front door of Evelyn’s house.]
Charlie: What do you wanna bet she ran off to Vegas to marry this Tommy guy?
Alan: [rings the doorbell] Hey, if that’s all this is, great. The only downside would be that you slept with our stepsister.
Charlie: Hadn’t thought of that. Kinda sexy.
Alan: Kinda sick.
Charlie: I’m saying. Look, there’s no one here, let’s go.
Alan: No, I want to take a look. [Pulls a key out of his pocket and starts opening the door.]
Charlie: You have a key?
Alan: I’m the good son.
[They go in. It is all dark inside.]
Alan: Mom?
Charlie: Okay, she’s not here, let’s go.
[Alan switches on the light. Evelyn is sat in the chair, dressed in black with sunglasses, cigarette in one hand, glass in the other.]
Charlie: Okay, she’s here. Let’s go.
Alan: Charlie. Mom, are you alright? Why haven’t you been answering the phone?
Evelyn: I didn’t want to burden anyone with my grief over the late Tommy Pearson.
Alan: Tommy died?
Evelyn: [takes a drag of her cigarette] Well, he is dead to me.
Charlie: Okay, what happened?
Evelyn: He dumped me.
Charlie: Mom, I’m sorry. But the thing between me and his daughter happened years before you even met the guy.
Evelyn: This has nothing to do with you, Charlie. God, you’re a narcissist. No, Tommy left me for some fresh faced 45 year old bimbo.
Alan: I’m sorry Mom, I know he meant a lot to you.
Charlie: Yea, I’m sorry too.
Evelyn: Thank you, Alan. Nice try, Charlie. Now, if you’ll both please leave, I’d like to be alone.
Charlie: We understand. [starts to leave]
Alan: Charlie, wait. We can’t just leave her here.
Charlie: Fine. Where do you want to leave her?
Alan: Hey mom, why don’t you, er, why don’t you come back and stay at Charlie’s house for a few days? How is that?
Charlie: Woah, woah, time out.
Evelyn: Don’t worry, Charlie, I have no desire to impose on your life.
Charlie: Appreciate it. Alright then, chin up.
Alan: You sure, Mom?
Evelyn: Yes, thank you Alan.
Alan: Okay.
[They start to leave.]
Evelyn: Oh god.
Charlie: So close.
----------------------------------------
[Evelyn is out on the deck at Charlie’s house. Charlie and Alan are watching her through the glass.]
Charlie: How long is she going to sit out there?
Alan: I don’t know. I’ve never seen her this depressed. Somebody’s got to go out there and show her a little love and support.
[Charlie nods and then they both shout.]
Both: Jake!
[Jake runs in from the kitchen.]
Jake: Yea.
Alan: Um, why don’t you go out and talk to Grandma?
Jake: Why?
Alan: Because she’s a little lonely.
Jake: She’s your mom.
Alan: Don’t sass me. Go talk to Grandma.
[Jake goes outside. Charlie and Alan watch.]
Jake: Hi Evelyn.
Evelyn: Please, sweetheart, call me Grandma.
Jake: But what about the game?
Evelyn: Games are for children, Jake.
[Jake throws an unhappy look at Alan and Charlie but they wave him on.]
Jake: You know, Uncle Charlie got me a metal detector and sometimes I find cool stuff on the beach.
Evelyn: That’s nice. But you know, that cool stuff is stuff that other people lost and will never get back. Trinkets and treasures buried beneath the lonely sands of time.
Jake: Yea, but finders, keepers, right?
Evelyn: And losers, weepers.
[Jake again looks back at Alan and Charlie, and holds his hands out in despair.]
Alan: He’s getting killed out there.
Charlie: It’s alright, he’s not crying yet.
Alan: Somebody needs to go out there and back him up.
Charlie: Ten bucks says it’s not me.
[Alan opens the door and immediately Jake runs inside.]
Alan: Hey, what’s going on with you… kid’s got a bladder the size of a pea.
Evelyn: You were a bed wetter, if I recall.
[Alan pulls the same face that Jake did to Charlie, who signals ‘No Way’. He then puts his thumb to his nose and waggles his fingers at Alan.]
Alan: You know, you know what Jake would really get a kick out of? If you could sing, while Charlie played the piano.
Evelyn: Oh, no, no, Alan, I couldn’t. Besides, Charlie always hated that.
Alan: Are you kidding? It was his idea.
[Alan looks round at Charlie and sticks his thumb up. Charlie grins and sticks his thumb up back.]
[Cut to Charlie playing the piano. He looks bored out of his brain. Alan and Jake are sat on the sofa. Evelyn comes down the stairs singing.]
Evelyn: These boots are made for walking. And that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you. Pick it up Charlie, we’re walking, not crawling. “Are you ready boots? Start walking.”
[Evelyn does the dance and finishes. Alan and Jake clap. Charlie gets up.]
Alan: [in Jake’s ear] Okay, now.
Jake: [shouts] One more time.
Evelyn: Okay, one, two, three… You keep saying, you…
[Charlie sits down and resumes playing.]
------------------------------------
[The middle of the night. Charlie comes down the stairs and heads towards the kitchen. He sees Evelyn out on the deck. She is crying, and looking up at the sky. He looks at her, sighs and goes out to her.]
Charlie: Mom, you okay?
Evelyn: Yea, go back to bed, Charlie.
Charlie: No, I’m up. It’s hard to sleep after a big show.
Evelyn: [sniffs] Thank you for that. Brought back some nice memories.
Charlie: You still got some chops, Mom.
Evelyn: You were rushing the tempo towards the end, there.
Charlie: Sorry, I always get a little carried away when you do the James Brown medley.
Evelyn: Oh, Charlie. Your mother’s a real sad case, isn’t she?
Charlie: You’ll get over him. There’s other guys.
Evelyn: He never even called. Never even said goodbye.
Charlie: Maybe… maybe he was scared.
Evelyn: Of what? I knew there were no promises, no strings. That doesn’t mean there can’t be common courtesy. [Charlie realises] To think I meant that little to him.
Charlie: [tentatively puts a hand on her shoulder.] It will be okay, Mom. Hey, you still got me and Alan.
Evelyn: Oh, Charlie, please. I know how difficult things are between us. Maybe it’s my fault.
Charlie: It’s not all your fault. I probably haven’t been the best son. [sighs] I just want you to know that… in my way… I want you to be happy and… I love you.
Evelyn: Well… I guess I’ll go pack.
Charlie: Why?
Evelyn: I’m going home.
Charlie: In the middle of the night?
Evelyn: Charlie, you just said you loved me. You could only screw it up from here.
-----------------------------------
[Alan and Jake are sat on the sofa. Jake has fallen asleep against Alan’s shoulder. Charlie is playing piano looking bored and about to fall asleep. Evelyn is sat on the piano, singing.]
Evelyn: Oh my darling, I love you, and I always will. [finishes]
[Alan elbows Jake who wakes up with a start.]
Jake: Donkey Cong!
Alan: [correcting him] Danke Schoen.
Jake: Danke Schoen.
Evelyn: [to Charlie] Danke Schoen. B Flat. One, two, three…
[Charlie rolls his eyes and leans forward against the piano, causing a deep discordant sound.]
Source: www.twiztv.com
