[Jake is eating his breakfast at the dinner table. A woman, Cindy, wearing just a t-shirt and with wet hair is sorting out some breakfast.]
Jake: I have my own room at Mom’s house too. My dad doesn’t. His stuff’s in the garage. Do you know how to play Vampire Hunter? Cos I just got it.
Cindy: No, sorry.
Jake: You got to chop off their heads. Otherwise they’ll keep coming at you.
Cindy: Do you know where your Uncle keeps the paper towels?
Jake: [points] I think there’s some up there.
[The woman opens a cupboard and stretches to the top shelf. Her t-shirt lifts up and reveals her backside in some skimpy underwear. She has a tattoo on one cheek.]
Jake: [eyes wide] Woah.
[Alan enters the kitchen, rubbing his eyes. He spots the woman.]
Alan: Woah.
Cindy: Hi, you must be Alan. I’m Cindy.
Alan: Hi. Uh, hey, Jake, it’s time to get dressed.
Jake: [very Charlie-esque, holds up a hand] Wait a minute. [to Cindy] Can you get me a bowl from that top shelf?
Alan: Come on, let’s go.
[Alan ushers Jake out of the kitchen. Charlie comes down the stairs, rubbing his eyes.]
Jake: What happened to ‘breakfast is the most important meal of the day’?
Alan: Just go get dressed. [Jake runs to his room] Charlie, there is a half naked woman in our kitchen.
Charlie: [intrigued] Which half?
[They go back into the kitchen. Cindy has just put her shorts on and is sorting out her bags on the table.]
Charlie: Hey Cindy.
Cindy: Hey Charlie. How you doing?
Charlie: Not bad. How about yourself?
Cindy: Thanks again. [she kisses him on the cheek] I’ll see you soon.
Charlie: Anytime.
Cindy: [to Alan] Bye. [She exits.]
Alan: [frowning] “How you doing?” “Thanks again”? Charlie, casual sex is one thing but this is just lazy.
Charlie: What are you talking about? I didn’t have sex with her. She just surfs out on the Point, uses my shower and goes to work.
Alan: So, you’re not sleeping with her?
Charlie: Jeez, Alan, I don’t sleep with every buff surfer chick that uses my shower. What kind of guy do you think I am?
Alan: I think you’re the luckiest bastard to walk the face of the earth, but that’s not my point. I don’t want women flashing their butt tattoos at my son.
Charlie: Cindy has a tattoo?
Alan: Yes, a butterfly.
Charlie: Huh. Right cheek or left? No, wait, don’t tell me. I want to be surprised.
Alan: So, you’re not sleeping with her but you want to?
Charlie: Well, yea. What kind of guy do you think I am? [they go through to the next room]
Alan: Charlie, when I moved in here, I said that it was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake. And you said “I understand”.
Charlie: Alan, there’s something you should know about me. When I say I understand, it doesn’t mean I agree. It doesn’t mean I understand. It doesn’t even mean I’m listening.
Alan: Then why do you say it?
Charlie: It seems to make people happy and that’s what I’m all about.
Alan: Well, that’s very altruistic, but I would prefer if you’d just be straight with me.
Charlie: Fine. [Charlie starts to go up the stairs.]
Alan: All I’m asking is that you keep in mind that we have an impressionable 10 year old boy living here.
Charlie: I understand.
Alan: Thank you. [Alan turns away, then realises.]
-----------------------------------
[Charlie is playing the piano. Cindy comes through from the shower, drying her hair with a towel.]
Cindy: That sounds nice.
Charlie: Thanks.
Cindy: So, where are Jake and Alan today?
Charlie: Uh, Jake’s at school and Alan’s at work. It’s just you and me.
Cindy: [picks up her bag] Well, tell them I said hi. Thanks again for the shower.
Charlie: You bet. You look really nice.
Cindy: Thank you. Bye.
Charlie: Yea, I got work to do.
[Rose is looking through the window from the deck.]
Rose: Oh Charlie, seeing you strike out like that just makes me love you more.
Charlie: [opens the door and lets her in] Rose, you’ve got to get a hobby.
Rose: Oh, I’ve got a hobby.
Charlie: I thought we agreed we were just friends.
Rose: We are. We’re friends who slept together once and then one friend never called the other friend but luckily, the other friend forgave him. [heads towards the kitchen]
Charlie: Where are you going?
Rose: To make my friend a grilled cheese sandwich.
Charlie: Rose, Rose, I don’t want a grilled cheese sandwich.
Rose: Would you prefer a quesadilla?
Charlie: That sounds nice. [The doorbell rings.] But then you have to leave. [He opens the door to Judith. She looks mad.] Hey Judith, Alan’s at work.
Judith: I know where Alan is. I came to talk to you.
Charlie: Me? But you don’t like me?
Judith: I don’t. [enters]
Charlie: [shuts the door] I like you.
Judith: Jake’s fourth grade class was given a simple assignment. Draw something interesting you see around the house. One child drew a record player, another drew a parrot. My son drew this.
[She pulls a piece of paper out of her bag. It has a drawing of Cindy’s behind on it, with the tattoo.]
Judith: A woman’s behind with a butterfly tattoo.
Charlie: [disappointed] On the right cheek. I’ll have to just act surprised.
Judith: I asked him where he saw this, he said “In Uncle Charlie’s kitchen.”
Charlie: Well, you gotta admit, it beats the hell out of a parrot.
Judith: Charlie, I am not in the mood.
[The phone rings.]
Charlie: Hold that thought.
Rose: [enters from the kitchen and picks up the phone.] I got it. Hello? [to Charlie] Are you in for your mother?
[Charlie looks indecisive. Talk to Judith or talk to his mother?]
Rose: Charlie’s in a meeting right now. But you can talk to me. Heck, I feel like we’re practically related. [She goes back into the kitchen, with the phone.]
Judith: Is that the girl in the picture?
Charlie: Rose? No, she doesn’t have a tattoo on her butt. [off Judith’s look] I’m guessing.
Judith: Look, I don’t care what you do in your private time but when my son is here, I expect you to clean up your act.
Charlie: I understand.
Judith: I don’t like coming over here and being the bad guy, but I have to protect my son.
Charlie: I understand.
Judith: It’s hard enough going through this transition all by myself. Alan, at least, has you. I have no one. Except my parents and they’re completely toxic.
Charlie: I understand.
Judith: Do you?
Charlie: I think I do.
Judith: Thank you. That means a lot to me. I mean, I’ve always been the good daughter or the good wife, and you know what? Outside of those relationships, I don’t know who I am. Am I gay? Am I straight? Who the hell knows? [starting to break down in tears] I’m scared about this Charlie, and I’m totally alone.
Charlie: [uncomfortable] I, well, you know what? I understand.
[He puts his hand on her shoulder, but just as she reaches for it he takes it away again.]
Judith: [crying] Thank you for listening.
Charlie: Oh, hey…
Judith: I’m so sorry to take up your time with all of this.
Charlie: Hey… I understand.
Judith: [goes to leave] Thank you Charlie.
Charlie: You’re welcome.
[Judith exits.]
Charlie: There’s five minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
[Rose enters from the kitchen, carrying a plate of food.]
Rose: Don’t fill up, your mom’s taking us out for lunch.
--------------------------------
[Alan is in the kitchen. Charlie enters from lunch, he looks awful.]
Alan: Hey. Where have you been?
Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother and my stalker. They spent the afternoon eating off each other’s plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.
Alan: You do have that, you know. [Charlie glares] Well, anyway, look, can we talk about this picture Jake drew?
Charlie: What’s to talk about? He’s a boy. He saw a woman’s ass. He liked it. Thank your lucky stars it wasn’t the cable guy’s ass and move on.
[Jake enters carrying a magazine.]
Jake: Hey, Dad, where’s Cankun?
Alan: Cancun?
Jake: [points] No, it’s spelled Cankun.
Alan: It’s in Mexico, why?
Jake: We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty’s.
Alan: What are you reading?
Jake: Sports Illustrated. But it’s mostly ladies in bathing suits. [He turns to go]
Alan: Jake, Jake, come back here. [to Charlie] Are you happy?
Charlie: I have my moments but they’re becoming further apart.
Alan: Jake, sit down, sit.
Jake: Am I in trouble?
Alan: No, no. It’s perfectly natural for you to be interested in women’s bodies.
Jake: Great, I’ll be in my room.
Alan: Wait. Let’s, let’s talk a minute here. I don’t mind you looking at these pictures but it’s important that you know what they mean.
Charlie: Ooh, I’d like to know that too, Alan.
Alan: Okay, first of all, real women don’t look like this. These pictures have been retouched and airbrushed so that the women look like they’re perfect, but they’re really not.
Charlie: Uh, excuse me, but I met that one and she was perfect.
Alan: What I’m trying to explain to Jake is that this is not what regular women look like.
Jake: Then why don’t they use regular women?
Charlie: Because the only way regular women can sell magazines is door to door.
Alan: My point is that these women are three dimensional human beings. They’re not just sex objects.
Charlie: Which explains why this one’s on all fours in the surf.
Alan: [exasperated] Are you quite done?
Charlie: No, I think you’re being very unfair. These women worked very hard, ate very little and spent a lot of money to become sex objects. Those breasts alone cost ten grand.
Jake: You can buy these?
Alan: Thank you Charlie. [to Jake] Some women choose to, er, to make their breasts larger uh, with, uh, with what’s called surgical implants.
Jake: Why?
Alan: Uh, well, they think bigger is better.
Jake: I can see that.
Alan: [takes the magazine away from Jake] What really matters, Jake, is what’s inside a person. See, that’s the lesson here. Do you get what I’m saying?
Jake: I think so.
Alan: You’re sure? There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, I mean, do you have any questions?
Jake: Just one.
Alan: Fire away.
Jake: Can I have my magazine back?
[Alan throws the magazine back on the table, Jake grabs it and runs out of the room.]
Charlie: Congratulations, Alan. You’ve managed to take the fun out of boobs.
[Charlie sits down. The phone rings and Alan gets it.]
Alan: Hello? Oh, hi, hi Judith. Yea, I’m so glad you called. I just… what? [holds the phone to his shoulder. To Charlie] She wants to talk to you. Why does my wife want to talk to you?
Charlie: I don’t know. [takes the phone] Hey Judith, what’s up? Uh-huh. I understand.
Alan: What do you understand?
Charlie: [holds the phone away] Not a thing. [back on the phone] I understand.
Alan: [frantic] What’s she saying?
Charlie: Hang on Judith, that’s my other line. [holds the phone away] She’s upset because her parents want to take Jake to SeaWorld and she feels like this is crossing a boundary since they’ve been so unsupportive recently. And she’s not sure if her anger is misplaced.
Alan: Since when are you her new best friend?
Charlie: I don’t know, something’s gone horribly wrong. [back on the phone] Sorry, you were saying? I understand.
[He shrugs and mouths ‘I don’t understand’ to Alan.]
------------------------------
[Cindy and Charlie are sat on the sofa. They are drinking wine. Cindy is autographing the picture Jake drew of her.]
Cindy: You’re the coolest? Love Cindy. [gives the picture to Charlie] Are you sure your nephews gonna like this?
Charlie: Who says it’s for my nephew?
Cindy: You’re really cute.
Charlie: Good. I’m sorry there’s no waves.
Cindy: Yea, I don’t know how I’m gonna get my exercise today.
Charlie: [grins] It’s a puzzler.
[The doorbell rings. Charlie gets up to answer it.]
Charlie: [to Cindy] Why don’t you open up another bottle of wine and we’ll figure something out?
Cindy: Okay.
[Charlie opens the door to Judith. She steps inside very quickly.]
Judith: I’m sorry to just drop by but I had to talk to somebody. I just left Jake with my parents so they could take him to San Diego and I got in this terrible argument with my father. He thinks it’s my fault that Alan and I are breaking up and he knows exactly how to push my buttons. The question is, why do I need his approval? Why do I need approval from any man?
[Charlie is stumped. Judith looks at him for an answer. Cindy hovers by the archway to the kitchen with the new bottle of wine.]
Charlie: I understand.
Cindy: Charlie, how could you possibly understand?
Judith: Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you had company.
Cindy: No, we were just hanging out. I’m Cindy.
Judith: Oh, hi, Judith. [They shake hands.]
Cindy: Hi. You know, I’ve spent the better part of my life trying to win my father’s approval.
Judith: Oh, you too, huh?
Cindy: Yea, I almost married a guy just cause my father liked him.
Judith: I married a guy just like my father.
Cindy: Oh, disaster, right?
Judith: Mmm. It’s his brother.
Cindy: Oh, I met him. He’s pretty tightly wound.
[Charlie pulls a face.]
Judith: He is.
Cindy: Do you want some wine?
Judith: I want a lot of wine.
Cindy: Yea.
[She turns and takes Charlie’s glass from him. The two girls head out onto the deck.]
Cindy: You know it’s so funny about relationships and men. You just wonder all the time…
Judith: Always.
[They shut the door behind them.]
Charlie: I do not understand.
----------------------------------------
[Alan opens the door and steps out onto the deck. He is in his robe, carrying the paper in one hand and a glass in the other. He’s just about to take a sip of his drink when a hand appears on the balcony and Rose climbs up. She is holding a Frisbee.]
Rose: [casually] Morning, neighbour.
Alan: Charlie’s not up yet, Rose.
Rose: [laughs] Oh, Alan, don’t you think I know that? I brought a Frisbee for your son. It’s a Glow-In-The-Dark pro model.
Alan: There are teeth marks in it.
Rose: They’re not mine.
Alan: Um, actually, Jake’s in San Diego with his mom’s parents.
Rose: Boy, that hardly seems fair. Evelyn never gets any quality time with him.
Alan: Evelyn?
Rose: Your mom.
Alan: I know her name.
Rose: But do you know how much she loves you and would appreciate a call once in a while?
[Cindy enters from the beach, carrying her surfboard.]
Cindy: Hi Alan, shower open?
Alan: Uh, yea, help yourself.
[Judith arrives on the deck, also carrying a surfboard.]
Judith: Hi Alan.
Alan: [stunned] Judith. What are you doing here?
Judith: Cindy’s teaching me to surf. She says I’m a natural.
Cindy: [rubs her hands up and down Judith’s arms] Cause she’s got the upper body strength for it.
Judith: Nothing like yours.
Cindy: Oh, you will, you just gotta build up your lats. [She holds up her arms and Judith feels Cindy’s muscles.]
Judith: Oh wow, they’re so firm.
Cindy: Come on, [takes Judith’s hand] I’ll show you some exercises before we hit the shower.
[Judith giggles and they go inside.]
Rose: So, when’s Charlie getting up?
Alan: In about nine seconds.
[Cut to Charlie’s bedroom. Alan is shaking Charlie violently to wake him up.]
Alan: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Charlie: [groggy] What? I was having a great dream.
Alan: Your girlfriend and my wife. Surfing. Showering. Rubber suits.
Charlie: Okay, this might be better. [sits up]
Alan: Charlie, Charlie, you’ve got to do something.
Charlie: You’re right.
Alan: Yea.
[Charlie goes into the bathroom.]
Alan: Charlie? What are you gonna do?
Charlie: [through the door] What do you think? I just woke up.
Alan: Come on, come on! They could be lathering each other up right now.
Charlie: [through the door] Alan, you’re not helping this go any faster.
Alan: I can’t believe this is going on under my own roof. Well, under your roof. God knows what’s going on under my roof.
[The toilet flushes]
Charlie: [through the door] You know, there is good news here.
Alan: Oh really? What’s that?
Charlie: [exits the bathroom] Now we know why I never got anywhere with Cindy.
Alan: Hello? Me?
Charlie: Okay, listen. What do we really know here? Your wife has taken up surfing. We’re good so far, right?
Alan: Uh-huh.
Charlie: She made a new friend. Still good?
Alan: Yea, I guess.
Charlie: Do we know for a fact that they’re showering together?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Okay. So what do we know for sure about Cindy and Judith?
Alan: Cindy’s not interested in you, and Judith thinks she’s gay.
Charlie: Huh. Well, there you go.
----------------------------------
[Charlie, Alan and Jake are sitting at the kitchen table eating takeaway pizza.]
Jake: And I got to see penguins, and a manta ray. And I got to pet a shark. And the coolest thing was the whales. They splashed everybody. You could see right through this one lady’s shirt. [Alan looks at Jake] And I think maybe she had plants.
Charlie: [smirks] Implants.
Jake: Yea, implants. I asked Grandma if she had them and Grandpa said “I wish”. And then she got mad at him, and then they bought me an ice cream.
Alan: So, you, er, you had a good trip? [gets up and goes to the fridge.]
Jake: Yea. When I got home, I went to the movies with Mom and Cindy.
[Alan, who had been leaning into the fridge for something, jumps and bangs his head on the top of the fridge. He stumbles out.]
Alan: Ow. Wait, wait, er, you, Mom and Cindy?
Charlie: There you go.
Jake: She’s gonna teach me to surf.
Alan: Of course she is. [slams the fridge door] She’s not gonna be happy until the whole damn family surfs. Why don’t we give her Aunt Betty’s number? Squeeze that fat ass into a wetsuit.
[Charlie gets up and gives Jake a pizza box.]
Charlie: Uh, here, Jake, take your pizza and go watch TV in your room.
Jake: [takes the box] Dad said “fat ass”.
Charlie: You’ve seen Aunt Betty. It’s not swearing if it’s true. Now go.
[Jake exits.]
Alan: She gets all bent out of shape when Cindy is prancing round here with her butterfly butt sticking out. But all of a sudden it’s okay, because the butt is on the other foot.
Charlie: Alan, Alan, chill out, buddy.
Alan: No, no. This is the worst kind of hypocrisy and it will not stand.
Charlie: Forgive me, Alan, but that self-righteous attitude is a big part of what drove Judith away in the first place.
Alan: What? What? Where did you get…? Where? Did she tell you that?
Charlie: Hey, girlfriends tell each other everything. [Alan stares] Don’t look at me like that. Listen, if she really is gay, then there’s nothing you can do about it. Except maybe try and figure out why a lesbian married you in the first place. But if she’s just experimenting and you act all loving and supportive then maybe, maybe she comes back to the home team.
Alan: Huh. Or maybe I could find it in my heart to actually be loving and supportive.
Charlie: Well, sure, if you want to reinvent the wheel.
----------------------------------------
[Alan opens the front door to Judith.]
Alan: Hey, you know, I would have been more than happy to drop Jake to your house.
Judith: Oh, no problem, this worked out great. I’ve been surfing all day with Cindy and we just had a bite to eat.
Alan: Isn’t that nice. Listen, are you in a hurry? Because there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.
Judith: No, I guess not. What’s up?
[Alan shows her in, and she sits on the sofa, while he stands.]
Alan: Um, I just wanted to let you know that I’m okay with this. More than okay. [Judith grins] I understand, love and respect you for your courage to explore things.
Judith: Thank you. I’m really starting to enjoy it.
Alan: And I support that.
Judith: Yea, I’ve only done it on my knees so far but Cindy says I’m almost ready to try it standing up.
Alan: You know what? I don’t need to hear the details. The more important thing is that I accept you and Cindy as lovers. [Judith realises.] And more power to you, sister.
Judith: You pompous, assuming bastard.
Alan: Uh oh.
Judith: [stands up] You think I’m sleeping with her?
Alan: No. No.
Judith: I just got out of a 12 year marriage and you think I would jump into bed with someone I just met? Man or woman?
Alan: No. No.
Judith: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Alan: I am. I am.
Judith: Two women become friends and you jump to the conclusion they’re having sex. Where do you get that kind of sleazy thinking?
[Alan points to the deck, where Charlie and Jake are stood, talking. Cut to them outside.]
Charlie: [points to the beach] The jogger. The one on the left.
Jake: Real?
Charlie: Good eye. With the sports bra that could have gone either way. Of course, if they do go either way, they’re usually fake.
[Judith opens the door and comes outside.]
Judith: Jake, honey, get your stuff, we’re going home.
Jake: Okay, see you Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: See you, buddy. [Jake exits. To Judith] Hey girlfriend.
Judith: Don’t “girlfriend” me, you shallow piece of crap.
Charlie: Uh oh.
---------------------------------------------
[The cinema. Jake is sat between Cindy and Judith, munching on some popcorn. The women are both crying. Jake looks bored.]
Jake: [sighs] Fake. [Judith looks at him, then back at the screen.] Real.
Judith: [stares at him] Jake.
Jake: Who does she think she’s kidding with those things?
Judith: Jake, I swear, if you don’t stop it, I’m taking you home.
Jake: I understand.
[Judith looks away and smiles. Jake grins – he got away with it!]
Source : https://www.twiztv.com
Au moment du petit déjeuner chez Charlie Jake aperçoit une jeune femme, Cindy, qui ne porte qu'une culotte laissant apparaître son tatouage fessier. Lorsqu'à l'école un devoir consiste à dessiner une chose originale que l'on peut voir à la maison, Jake dessine le fessier tatoué de Cindy.
