[Jake’s school. Some kind of parent’s evening. Jake and Charlie are hanging out by some of the desks.]
Jake: This is where I sit.
Charlie: Right on. Good location. [looks around] What else?
Jake: [points] That’s the sink. If you put your thumb over the hole you can squirt water all the way over to the other side of the room.
Charlie: Cool.
Jake: I’m not allowed to use the sink anymore.
Charlie: Got it. [spots the teacher, she is an attractive woman] So, what’s the deal with your teacher?
Jake: Miss Tuttle? She’s very strict.
Charlie: That could work.
[Cut to Judith and Alan. They are looking at some of Jake’s work.]
Alan: Did you see this drawing our son made? It’s a cry for his parents to get back together.
Judith: Alan, it’s Davy Crockett at the Alamo.
Alan: I know. Breaks your heart, doesn’t it?
Judith: [rolls her eyes] I can see you got your brother here.
Alan: Oh yea, he wasn’t thrilled about it, but he can’t say no to Jake. And I kind of implied that Miss Tuttle was a bit of a freak.
Judith: Excuse me?
Alan: Hey, you wanted me to get him here, he’s here. The rest is up to you.
[Cut back to Charlie and Jake. Charlie is pouring a cup of tea from the urn.]
Charlie: So come on, you gonna introduce me?
Jake: What for?
Charlie: Well, she’s your teacher, you’re my nephew. I feel like… oh, come on, just do it.
Jake: [shrugs] Don’t you want to see my model of a California mission? It’s made of sugar cubes!
Charlie: Okay. First your mission, then mine.
Judith: [holding a clipboard] Um, may I have everyone’s attention? Hello. I’m Judith Harper, the class mom.
[Alan claps. He is the only one. Judith glares at him and he stops.]
Judith: I just want to thank you all for coming. This is a great turnout. Give yourselves a hand.
[She claps and everyone else joins in. Alan looks around, realises he is allowed to clap this time, and joins in too. Judith continues talking in the background. Charlie has sidled up behind the teacher, Miss Tuttle.]
Charlie: I understand you teachers are sadly underpaid.
Miss Tuttle: That’s very true.
Charlie: Well, I like to do my part. Can I buy you dinner?
[Cut to Judith.]
Judith: So, please feel free to put your name on the sign-up sheets if you’re available for car-pools, coaching, field trips.
[Cut to Charlie.]
Charlie: Charlie Harper. [grabs Jake’s shirt and pulls him towards him] Jake’s uncle, mentor, pal.
[Miss Tuttle puts a finger to her lips and ‘shh’s him. Cut to Judith.]
Judith: And finally, and this is a biggie, folks. It looks as if we’re gonna have to cancel our annual music show for our fourth graders.
[Everyone groans. Charlie takes a sugar cube from the sugar cube model and drops it in his tea.]
Judith: Unless someone with music experience volunteers to help us out. Anyone? Anyone at all? [No one says anything] Charlie?
Charlie: Yea?
Judith: Thank you. Charlie Harper, everyone.
[Charlie doesn’t know what he’s agreed to but soaks up the applause anyway. Everyone looks at him.]
Charlie: What?
------------------------------------
[Charlie and Alan are driving back. Charlie keeps looking at Alan, furious.]
Alan: Go ahead, say it.
Charlie: You traitorous, rat bastard.
Alan: Good. Good. You feel better?
Charlie: You set me up. You lured me into that classroom with promises of donuts and loose women.
Alan: I’m sorry. I honestly thought there’d be donuts.
Charlie: What about Miss Tuttle? The freak? She’s a married Christian missionary!
Alan: Okay, that I just lied about. But it was for a good cause. The kids really need you.
Charlie: Yea, but see, here’s the problem. I don’t like kids.
Alan: You like Jake.
Charlie: Jake’s different. He’s cool. He’s our kid. The rest of them? Yeugh.
Alan: What other kids do you know?
Charlie: I see them. Having tantrums in supermarkets, screaming in movie theatres, making everything sticky. And the whole world gives them a free ride just because they’re cute.
Alan: Okay, forget about the kids. Do this for me and Judith.
Charlie: Not really a big Judith fan, either.
Alan: Come on, come on. You’ll write the music and the lyrics. Judith and I will produce and direct. Together.
Charlie: Hold on, hold on. So, you roped me into this because you think that the three of us collaborating on a fourth grade tribute to the Industrial Revolution will somehow lead to you getting back together with your allegedly gay ex-wife?
Alan: It’s easy to make anything sound stupid, Charlie. Look, we’re still legally married. Frankly, I don’t buy the whole gay thing. A gay woman would not fake orgasms for 12 years just to protect my feelings.
Charlie: Okay. Take off your seat belt.
Alan: Why?
Charlie: Because when I slam on the brakes I want to watch you go through the windshield.
Alan: Don’t be silly. Do you know how fast you’d have to be going to… [Charlie speeds up] Hey, slow down.
------------------------------------
[Charlie is at the piano, playing. Alan and Judith are listening.]
Charlie: [sings] Manpower, horsepower, coal and steam. Moving forward the American dream. Electric, atomic, solar, too. All this energy for me and you.
[Charlie stops and looks to see what they think. Alan grins like it’s really good but waits to see what Judith says.]
Judith: Oh, gosh, I want to like it.
Alan: [nodding as if that’s what he thought] Yea, want to like it.
Judith: Um…
Charlie: But?
Judith: But I just don’t think it’s your best work.
Charlie: It’s not. Fire me. Please.
Judith: You remember that show that you and I did in college?
Alan: Stormy Weather? Sure.
Judith: Now, those songs had a point of view.
Alan: Yea. Yea, and you couldn’t get them out of your head. [Sings] Co-ed bathrooms, co-ed bathrooms. [Judith joins in.]
Both: Wear your flip flops in the co-ed bathrooms. [Charlie pulls a face] Stuff grows on the floor there, and whoops! There’s another pubic hair there.
Alan: See? Maybe the easiest way to do this is for us to write the actual song.
Judith: Yea, and then Charlie could just toss in the specific notes and stuff.
Alan: Yea, yea, Charlie, what do you think?
[He turns to ask him, but Charlie has gone.]
Alan: Okay then, I guess it’s just the er, the two of us.
Judith: Like the old days.
Alan: Yea, except this time I’m not a virgin. [wonders why he said that]
----------------------------------
[Jake and Charlie are sat on the sofa in the kitchen, playing cards.]
Jake: How come you’re not helping Mom and Dad with the show?
Charlie: Well, how can I put this? Your uncle Charlie is a professional musician, and your mom and dad…
Jake: Suck?
Charlie: Good a word as any.
Jake: Well, I think they’re gonna get back together.
Charlie: You do, uh?
Jake: Yea. Except if my Dad moves back to Mom’s house, I probably wouldn’t see you anymore.
Charlie: Of course you’d see me. You’d still have your room here, and I’d come visit.
Jake: You never visited before.
Charlie: That’s cause I didn’t know you before.
Jake: That’s cause you never visited. [puts down his cards] Gin.
Charlie: [throws his cards down] To tell you the truth, Jake, I don’t think this is gonna be an issue.
Jake: You don’t think they’re gonna get back together?
Charlie: I didn’t say that.
Jake: Well, do you?
Charlie: Hey, what do I know?
Jake: Well, I think they are.
[The get up and look in on Alan and Judith. They are standing in the middle of the room, doing a dance like a train.]
Both: [sing] Robert Fulton, Eli Whitney, Robert Fulton, Eli Whitney. All aboard for Henry Ford.
[Charlie looks disgusted, Jake looks like he’s never seen such a thing in his life.]
Charlie: Careful what you wish for, pal.
-----------------------------------
[Alan enters the front door, carrying the mail.]
Alan: Charlie, we’re gonna be late for rehearsal.
[Charlie is in the kitchen, near the blender. Alan enters.]
Alan: What are you doing?
Charlie: Making margaritas.
Alan: But we’ve got a rehearsal at Jake’s school.
Charlie: Don’t worry, I have a plan.
[He pours the drink into a flask.]
Alan: Oh, Charlie, you’re taking liquor to Jake’s school?
Charlie: You betcha. I’m not gonna face all those pre-pubers without a snootful. They’ll have limes in the teacher’s lounge, right?
Alan: [opening the mail] No, there’s no limes, there’s no swizzle sticks, there’s… [reading one of the letters] Oh god.
Charlie: What?
Alan: It’s from Judith’s lawyers.
Charlie: Really? Good news?
Alan: No, it’s not good news. Judith filed for divorce.
Charlie: Oh man, I’m sorry.
Alan: What am I gonna do?
Charlie: Well, there’s a lot of ways to respond to something like this. Anger, grief, denial.
Alan: What would you do?
Charlie: I’d probably blow off rehearsal and start chugging from the blender. But I wouldn’t recommend that for an amateur.
--------------------------------------
[Jake’s school. Alan and Charlie round the corner of a corridor. Charlie is drinking from his flask.]
Alan: I can’t believe she blind-sided me like this. Being so nice and friendly to my face, meanwhile her lawyers were working behind my face. Let me tell you something, Charlie. A woman who would do such a thing cannot be trusted.
Charlie: Yea, well, maybe you can use this divorce as a chance to take a little break from each other.
Alan: Oh no, that would be playing right into her hands.
Charlie: Alan, your kid’s confused enough about you and his mother. Don’t make it worse.
Alan: [grabs the flask] How could I possibly make it any worse? [Goes into the classroom]
Charlie: Let’s find out. [Follows him]
[Inside, Judith has the class gathered round her.]
Judith: Okay, everybody, what we’re gonna do is put the girls on one side and the boys on the other…
Alan: Sure. Start splitting them up early. That’s your answer for everything, isn’t it?
Judith: Excuse me?
Alan: Uh, would Mrs Plaintiff please see Mr Respondent in the hallway?
Judith: Watch the kids, we’ll be right back.
[She and Alan go out and shut the door. Charlie has taken his flask back and stands in front of the children. Then he realises.]
Charlie: Wait!
[He turns and sees them all staring at him.]
Charlie: Jake. Where’s Jake?
[Three children raise their hands.]
------------------------------------
[Where we left off.]
Charlie: Okay, everybody take five. [The children stare at him.] That means sit down. [The children all sit down. Charlie thinks about it.] Stand up. [They all get up. Charlie’s now enjoying himself.] Hop up and down. [They do so.] Right on.
[Cut to out in the corridor. Alan is waving the papers at Judith.]
Alan: But why file for divorce? We were getting along so well.
Judith: We’ve been getting along because I don’t feel trapped, suffocated and depressed anymore.
Alan: Oh sure, kick me out then work on improving yourself.
[Cut to Charlie.]
Charlie: Okay, everybody… flap your arms like a chicken!
[The kids flap their arms and start squawking like chickens. Alan enters.]
Charlie: Alan, check it out. I’ve got this amazing power. [To the children] Stop. [They stop.] Huh? It’s like having my own robot army.
[Alan glares at him, grabs his flask and goes back out into the corridor.]
Charlie: No, wait, where are you going?
A girl: Are we gonna do our songs?
Charlie: Hey, I’m just the piano player. Lerner and Lowe are out in the hallway working things out.
Girl: Who?
Charlie: Lerner and Lowe? My Fair Lady? Camelot? [mutters] Aren’t there any gay kids here?
[Jake walks up to stand near Charlie and tugs his sleeve.]
Jake: [sad] They’re fighting again, aren’t they?
Charlie: Yea, what can I tell you Jake. Your Mom lawyered up and your dad’s freaking out. Stay cool, I’ll try to get them back in here. [to the group] Hey everybody, Jake’s in charge. So, whatever he says.
[Jake turns to face the group with an evil little grin on his face. Charlie escapes outside to the corridor to the sound of children screaming.]
Charlie: Okay, it’s been fun. But I’m officially resigning as the Mayor of Booger Town.
Alan: Not now Charlie. You know, I have tried, I have tried everything I can to make you happy.
[Charlie opens the door to peek back inside the classroom and a ball of paper flies out. The kids are still screaming.]
Charlie: I don’t want to rush you or anything, but have you ever read Lord Of The Flies?
Alan: But you know what? You know what? I’m through. Maybe your lawyers can make you happy.
[Alan storms off.]
Judith: Your brother’s a horse’s ass.
[She storms off in the other direction.]
Charlie: Hey, let’s not lose sight of who the real victim of this divorce is. Me!
[Charlie goes back inside the classroom. It is chaos. The children are all throwing paper at each other and generally messing around.]
Charlie: [ducking the paper missiles] Okay, I think we should all calm down just a little.
Girl: You’re not our teacher, why should we listen to you?
Charlie: Okay, let me put it another way. [Shouts] Shut up and sit down! [The kids scramble to sit down.] Thanks. Now listen, rehearsal’s over. You can all go home.
Girl: What about our play?
Charlie: Well, you know how they say “The show must go on”? Well, they weren’t talking about this show.
Girl: [to Jake] Your uncle’s so lame.
Jake: Is not. He’s cool.
Boy: Yea, right.
Jake: He is. He’s almost famous. He wrote the Maple Loops song.
Girl: Did not.
Charlie and Jake: Did too.
Girl 2: Prove it.
Charlie: See that Jaguar in the parking lot? [They all look.] Maple Loops.
Girl 3: That doesn’t prove anything.
Charlie: Fine. [He goes to the piano, sits, and plays the opening chords. Sings.] It’s got…
All the children: Oats and corns and wheat. It’s the sweetest breakfast treat. It’s maple maple-icious.
Charlie: Woah. Everybody knows that?
Girl: Of course. It’s the Maple Loops song.
Jake: Uncle Charlie, do Fudge Nuggets!
All: Yea! Fudge Nuggets!
[Charlie starts to play. They all sing.]
All: From the magic chocolate mountain, in a secret chocolate mine come Granny’s big fudge nuggets with a taste that’s oh so fine!
[The kids all cheer and Charlie grins.]
Charlie: What do you know? Maybe I don’t hate kids.
------------------------------
[Alan is out in the corridor. He walks up to the door but stops when he hears the kids singing. Judith approaches as well.]
Alan: Hi.
Judith: Hi. I’m sorry I didn’t give you a heads up about the divorce papers.
Alan: I’m sorry if I over-reacted.
Judith: What’s going on in there?
Alan: I don’t know.
[They go inside and the kids are standing in a group, singing and doing a dance routine to another of Charlie’s jingles.]
All: Smell like a man. Stick, pump or can. With Dry Guy Deodorant. Only the girls get sweaty.
Charlie: We’re getting there. We’re getting there.
Judith: Okay, thank you Charlie.
Alan: Yea, we’ll take it from here, okay?
Charlie: Too late, you’re out.
Alan: What about the songs we wrote?
Charlie: Hey kids, what do you think about the songs they wrote?
Kids: They’re bad.
Charlie: [smugly] These are my people.
Alan: What do your jingles have to do with the Industrial Revolution?
Charlie: Look, you wanted a show, I’m giving you a show. Now step back and let us work. [to the group] Plumber In A Jar. Let’s really sell it this time.
All: [sing] When you’re sink backs up, there’s just one star, it’s the one you all trust, it’s Plumber In A Jar. Plumber in a jar. Plumber in a jar.
[Charlie directs them to fade their singing down.]
---------------------------------
[Charlie is sitting on the sofa, looking through some music. Jake enters.]
Jake: Hey, what you doing?
Charlie: Trying to find some plausible connection between my jingles and the Industrial Revolution. What’s up?
Jake: I just talked to my dad. He said that he and Mom aren’t getting back together again.
Charlie: Yea. [puts the book down] How you doing with that?
Jake: I’m not sure. I like that I get to stay here on weekends.
Charlie: That’s cool. I like that, too. But you gotta be sad about your folks though, right?
Jake: No, I’m okay.
Charlie: Jake, it’s okay to feel sad, I’ve been told. And this is a sad thing.
Jake: My dad’s not sad.
Charlie: Of course he is. He’s just trying to protect you.
Jake: From what?
Charlie: From being sad. [Jake frowns] Yea, I know, it’s a vicious circle. But the liquor industry is built on it.
Jake: What?
Charlie: It’s not important. All you need to know is that we all feel sad sometimes and it’s okay. Understand?
Jake: Yea.
[Charlie holds out his fist and Jake bangs his fist against it. Jake gets up and goes through to the next room where Alan is sitting at his desk.]
Alan: Hey buddy.
[Jake doesn’t say anything but just gives him a big hug.]
Jake: It’s okay, Dad.
-----------------------------
[The school. Charlie is playing the piano. The children are about to perform. There are parents, some with camcorders, watching.]
Jake: [steps forward, holding a paper] Before the Industrial Revolution, we lived in an agrarian society. Most people grew their own food and ate what they grew. Breakfast involved…
Girl: [steps forward] Slaughtering animals.
Boy: [steps forward] And milking cows.
Jake: It would be hundreds of years before people could enjoy a pre-packaged and nutritious breakfast. And what’s in that breakfast?
[The kids launch into the Maple Loops song. Miss Tuttle is sitting in the audience and she turns to look at Alan, who just holds his hands up apologetically.]
Jake: [steps forward] As urbanisation led to stress and loneliness, industrial society looked to an ancient agrarian product for a delicious and refreshing solution.
All: [sing] The girls look prettier with Hammerstein Beer. You like what you see and you like what you hear. Have a cold frosty mug and pull her near. The girls look prettier, the girls look prettier, the girls look prettier with Hammerstein Beer.
[The children all stand there grinning. Charlie looks across at Alan who pulls a face. The audience begin to clap.]
Judith: We’re not letting him anywhere near the Christmas pageant.
Alan: Agreed.
-------------------------------
[Later on in the show. Jake steps forward.]
Jake: Even with the advent of indoor plumbing, the Industrial Revolution still had some bugs in the system.
Girl: What was man to do?
Charlie: Three, four…
All: [sing] If your home is bug infested, filled with spiders, flies and gnats, all our sprays are safety tested, we kill vermin not your cats.
[The audience applaud. The girl grabs a bouquet of flowers from the side and hands it to Charlie, who stands up, pleased. He takes a bow.]
Source : https://www.twiztv.com
