[Charlie’s bathroom. The shower is running, and the curtain is drawn. A woman, Wendy, is giggling.]
Wendy: Charlie.
Charlie: Come on.
Wendy: That tickles!
[Jake opens the door and leans in.]
Jake: Uncle Charlie!
Charlie: Not now, Jake.
Jake: I just heard the Fudge Nuggets song you wrote on TV.
Charlie: Great. [Jake starts to sing it.] Great. [Jake still sings, so Charlie pokes his head around the curtain.] Jake, I’m not alone in here.
Jake: No way.
Charlie: Way.
Jake: Who’s in there?
Charlie: A friend of mine.
Jake: Is it a girl?
Charlie: Hold on. [disappears for a second, then reappears] Oh yea.
Jake: Is it Janet?
Charlie: [you can see from his face that it’s not Janet.] No. It’s my friend Wendy. Say hi to Jake, Wendy.
Wendy: [peers round the curtain] Hi Jake. You sing really well.
Jake: I have to go. This is embarrassing. [exits]
Wendy: I like that you didn’t lie to him.
Charlie: Well, I try to be honest.
Wendy: It’s a good quality. So, who’s Janet?
-------------------------------
[Charlie and Wendy come down the stairs together.]
Charlie: You want a cup of coffee before you go?
Wendy: No, you’ve got work to do. I should probably get going.
Alan: [from the kitchen] Charlie, [appears in the archway] there’s French toast left.
Charlie: Oh, no thanks. You’ve met Wendy, right?
Alan: Sure. French toast, Wendy?
Wendy: Oh, no thank you. I should really get going.
[Jake comes through from his bedroom.]
Jake: You know, I can sing all of Uncle Charlie’s jingles.
Wendy: No kidding? You’re gonna have to show me sometime. [Jake sings the Maple Loops song and Wendy claps.] That’s wonderful.
Charlie: Wendy’s gotta go, Jake. [Jake starts singing the Bug song.] Jake, Jake, take five buddy.
Jake: Copasetic. That means okay.
Charlie: When he moved in here, he was saying “swell”.
Alan: Charlie, I’ve gotta go to my office for a couple of hours. Are you okay to watch Jake?
Charlie: No problem.
Alan: Swell.
Jake: Will you take me rollerblading, Uncle Charlie?
Charlie: I can’t buddy, I got work to do.
Jake: What am I gonna do all day?
Charlie: Well, it’s really nice outside. Why don’t you wash my car?
Jake: No, I wanna go rollerblading.
Wendy: You know, I could take him. I’ve got my blades right in the car.
Jake: Really?
Wendy: If it’s okay with your father.
Alan: That sounds swell.
Jake: I’ll go get my blades. [Charlie looks less than impressed.]
Wendy: And if you want, I can go pick up lunch and bring it back and we could have a picnic.
Charlie: Yea. Swell. [Wendy exits.]
Alan: Nice girl. Is it serious?
Charlie: It is now, you dumb-ass.
---------------------------------
[Charlie is lying on the sofa, staring at the ceiling. Alan gets home.]
Alan: Hey. Finish your jingle?
Charlie: How can I work? First, Wendy took Jake rollerblading. Then she took him to the movies. Now she’s in the kitchen making us all dinner.
Alan: That bitch.
Charlie: Don’t you get it? She’s using your kid to turn a nice, casual [imitates small] relationship into [imitates big] relationship.
Alan: Okay, okay, now I get where you’re coming from.
Charlie: Thank you.
Alan: You’re paranoid and you’re nuts.
Wendy: [pops out of the kitchen] Perfect timing, dinner’s ready. [goes back.]
Charlie: Did you see that? She’s wearing an apron. In my house! Do you know what that means?
Alan: I’m gonna stick with paranoid and nuts, Bob.
[Cut to after dinner. Charlie is walking Wendy to the door.]
Wendy: Are you sure that you don’t want me to stay and do the dishes?
Charlie: Positive. Alan would just rewash them anyways.
Wendy: Well, I guess I should probably get going.
Charlie: Yea, I guess.
[They kiss. Alan enters from Jake’s bedroom.]
Alan: Oh, good, you’re still here. Jake wants to say goodnight.
Wendy: Wow, he’s such a sweetie. Don’t you just want to eat him up? [she goes through to Jake’s room.]
Charlie: If that would stop him, yes.
Alan: I gotta tell you Charlie, I think that girl’s a keeper.
Charlie: You think so?
Alan: Yea, she’s smart, she’s pretty and I think she really likes you.
Charlie: Be honest, Alan. You married the first girl that slipped you the tongue, didn’t you?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Trust me, this woman has a plan. And it’s diabolical in its Machiavellian scope.
Alan: I did not marry the first girl who slipped me the tongue.
Charlie: I’m telling you, she’s got her foot in the door and she will never leave.
Wendy: [returns] Okay, well, I’m outta here.
Alan: Ooh, diabolical.
Charlie: Okay, so I’ll give you a call?
Wendy: Yea, that’d be great. Okay.
[They kiss goodbye. Then they kiss again. And some more. Alan starts to look uncomfortable.]
Charlie: It’s pretty dark out. Maybe you should go in the morning.
Wendy: Yea, I guess I could.
[She grabs his hand and pulls him up the stairs.]
Charlie: [to Alan] Are you seeing this?
----------------------------
[Alan is sitting on the deck with his laptop, drinking wine. A hand appears on the balcony, then another, and then Rose’s head appears.]
Rose: Howdy, neighbour.
Alan: Charlie’s busy right now, Rose.
Rose: I know. White Toyota hasn’t budged an inch two nights in a row. [Alan raises an eyebrow.] I chalked her tyres.
[Rose climbs onto the balcony.]
Alan: You do know there’s a stairway right over there.
Rose: Of course. Did you know there’s a crawl space under the house that comes right up into your bedroom? [She sits down next to Alan.] So, what are you doing?
Alan: I’m playing computer Scrabble.
Rose: All by yourself? That’s so sad.
Alan: Well, I used to play with my wife every night and I guess I miss it.
Rose: You and I have a lot in common, don’t we?
Alan: How so?
Rose: We’re both like two lonely socks that want desperately to keep someone’s feet warm. But we don’t match up with any other socks. So all we can hope for is to be a dust mitten or a hand puppet.
Alan: That’s, er, that’s very insightful. And disturbing. Uh, you’re not thinking you and me, are you?
Rose: Oh, Alan, that’s very flattering, but [does the sock puppet hand] ew.
----------------------------------
[Charlie wakes up in bed, alone. He frowns and checks under the duvet, but obviously there is no one there. He gets out of bed and checks the bathroom.]
Charlie: Wendy?
[He looks round and there is a note attached to the mirror. He pulls it off and reads it.]
Charlie: [reading] Dear Charlie, thanks for a wonderful night. Sweet. Special, see you soon.
[He looks up and smiles. Cut to him dancing down the stairs.]
Charlie: [sings] Freedom! I’m free, I’m so free.
Alan: [enters from Jake’s room] Alright. You had sex last night, you don’t need to turn into Mr Bojangles.
Charlie: Oh, it’s better than that. I had sex and I woke up alone. If there were pancakes on my night table, it’d be the perfect morning.
Alan: What happened to Wendy’s diabolical, Machiavellian scheme to never leave?
Charlie: I don’t know. I must have foiled it somehow.
Jake: [runs past from the kitchen to his room] Guess what? Grandma’s here.
Alan: Let’s see that little dance again.
[Charlie goes through to the kitchen, and sees Evelyn talking to Wendy. They are sat on the sofa.]
Evelyn: When I was pregnant with Charlie, we thought he was going to be a girl. The sonogram showed no discernible penis whatsoever.
[Charlie gasps in shock and pushes Alan back into the living room again.]
Charlie: Now do you believe me? First she sucks in Jake, then you, now Mom. She’s like one of those pods from outer space. But, you know, with a cute ass.
Alan: Charlie, she wouldn’t even be here now, if you hadn’t taken her upstairs last night.
Charlie: That was not my fault. You saw how she kissed me. I had to take her upstairs.
[Evelyn and Wendy enter from the kitchen.]
Evelyn: Remember what I said: Hook him on the milk, he’ll buy the cow. [She spots Charlie.] Charlie, where have you been hiding this girl? She’s an absolute delight.
Charlie: Yea, she’s swell.
Wendy: Good morning Charlie.
Charlie: Good morning. [they kiss] I read somewhere you’d left.
Wendy: Yea, I was on my way out the door and then I ran into your mom and then we started talking, and you know.
Charlie: Yea, I know.
Alan: So, what brings you here, Mom?
Evelyn: Do I need a reason?
Charlie: I’d like one.
Evelyn: I’m showing a house in Malibu, I thought I’d swing by and take my grandson out for pancakes.
Alan: Uh, Charlie wants his on his night table.
Jake: [enters with his coat on] Ready. You coming dad?
Alan: Are you kidding? I want to hear more about that sonogram.
Evelyn: Oh good. Are you and Wendy joining us Charlie?
Charlie: Uh gee, Mom, I think Wendy has stuff to do. Right, Wendy?
Wendy: Uh, I can always make time for pancakes.
Evelyn: Oh wonderful, a family breakfast. Go put on some pants, Charlie.
Charlie: But Mom, I…
Evelyn: Now. [to Wendy] You have to be firm with him. By the way, your nose is adorable.
Wendy: Thank you.
Evelyn: I’m guessing Dr Shapiro?
Wendy: No, it’s mine.
Evelyn: Oh, huh. Well, sometimes God does good work too.
--------------------------------
[Alan comes out of the kitchen and shouts to Jake.]
Alan: Jake? Get your stuff together, we gotta get you back to your mom’s.
[Jake is carried from his room by Wendy, on her back.]
Jake: Already? But we’re playing.
Wendy: Yea, I gotta get going too, Jake.
[Charlie enters through the front door.]
Charlie: Okay, I pulled your car around. If you leave now, I think you’ll miss all the weekend traffic.
Wendy: [heading to the door] Don’t you worry, Charlie, I’m leaving.
Charlie: I’m not worried. I just moved your car so Alan can get out.
Alan: I can get out.
Charlie: [gritted teeth] Yes, Alan, now you can.
Wendy: Thank you for a great weekend. [They kiss.]
Charlie: No, thank you.
Wendy: Jake, bye.
Jake: Bye.
Wendy: Alan, I’ll see you soon.
Alan: Bye.
[Wendy exits and Charlie shuts the door.]
Alan: I gotta tell you Charlie, I think she’s really…
Charlie: Shh.
[He looks through the peephole of the door as we hear a car start up and drive away. He shuts the peephole.]
Charlie: Okay. What?
Alan: I’m just saying. I think she’s really great.
Jake: Me too. When’s she coming back?
Charlie: Well, let’s see. Today’s Sunday, so… never.
Jake: Why not?
Charlie: Well, buddy, she wants something different in a relationship than your Uncle Charlie does.
Jake: What does she want?
Charlie: Uncle Charlie.
Jake: What do you want?
Charlie: Uncle Charlie. And we both can’t have me.
Jake: I don’t understand.
Alan: It’s very simple, buddy. Uncle Charlie is nuts.
Charlie: [taps his forehead] Yea, nuts like a fox.
Jake: So then Wendy can’t take me rollerblading anymore?
Charlie: Nope.
Jake: No more movies?
Charlie: Afraid not.
Jake: [walks off] Boy, you suck.
Charlie: Suck? How do I suck?
Alan: [taps his forehead] Like a fox.
--------------------------
[Charlie opens the front door to Jake and Alan. Jake is miserable, slumped over and heads straight for his room.]
Charlie: There he is! Let the party begin. Shaking Jake! Notorious J-A-K-E!
Alan: Jake, he won’t stop until you say hello.
Charlie: Jakety-Jake-Jake.
Jake: [stares at him] Hello.
Charlie: So, how was school this week? We missed you around here.
Jake: It was just school.
Charlie: Yea, I heard that. “Just school.” Right on. [Jake has gone. To Alan.] I don’t believe it. He’s still mad about the Wendy thing.
Alan: Charlie, it’s only been a week. I’m still mad that you peed in my Boy Scout canteen in 1978.
Charlie: [laughs] Not much of a jamboree for you, was it? [Alan glares.] Okay, I’m sorry about the canteen. Now will you please make your son like me again?
Alan: How would I do that Charlie? And by the way, was that so hard?
Charlie: Explain to him that Wendy was working an angle, making friends with him to get to me.
Alan: Do you really want me to tell a 10 year old boy that somebody he really cares about was pretending to like him? What kind of lesson is that?
Charlie: He lives in LA. He might as well learn now.
Alan: Just give him some time. He’ll get over it.
[Cut to Jake’s room. Jake is unpacking his stuff. There’s a knock at the door and Charlie enters.]
Charlie: Hey, can I come in?
Jake: It’s your house.
Charlie: Well, it’s your house too.
Jake: Then, no.
Charlie: Okay. [Goes back out and shuts the door. Then re-enters.] You know what? It is my house. Look, Jake, I’m sorry about the Wendy thing, but there’s nothing I can do about it. And I want us to be buddies again. I don’t want you to hate me anymore.
Jake: I don’t hate you.
Charlie: Good.
Jake: I’m just very disappointed in you.
Charlie: Hey, I get enough of that crap from my mother. So, what’s it gonna take? Cash? Video games?
Jake: I don’t want stuff. I got plenty of stuff when my mom and dad broke up.
Charlie: Oh, dude, this isn’t the same thing.
Jake: What’s the difference? You liked Wendy, then you didn’t like her and no one cares what I want.
Charlie: [sighs] Jake, buddy, come here.
[Charlie sits at the end of the bed, and gestures for Jake to join him.]
Charlie: Sit down. [Jake sits.] It’s not that I don’t care what you want. It’s just that you’re a kid. And what you want doesn’t matter. [Jake folds his arms and glares at Charlie.] Wow, I do suck.
------------------------------------
[Alan is sitting out on the deck, playing Scrabble with Rose.]
Rose: H-A-T. Hat.
Alan: That’s it? All this time for “hat”? Let me see your tiles. [Looks] See? You had hateful. See, it would have fit right here, off the “a” in my “quotidian.”
Rose: Wow, how did you see that?
Alan: I have Scrabble eyes. It’s a gift. And sometimes a curse.
[Charlie comes out onto the deck.]
Charlie: Alan? Jake won’t play with me.
Alan: Well, I can’t play with you either Charlie, I am “occupied” [places the tiles. To Rose] You played “pie” at your own peril, my friend.
Rose: Hi Charlie.
Charlie: Hi Rose. Alan, come here.
Alan: [gets up] Your move. [They go inside.] What?
Charlie: What are you doing with Rose?
Alan: I’m teaching her to play Scrabble.
Charlie: Oh, Alan, you are so naïve.
Alan: Naïve, eight points.
Charlie: What?
Alan: Uh, sorry, I’m in my game head.
Charlie: Alan, Rose is using you to get to me.
Alan: Do you hear the rampant egotism? “rampant” 11 points, “egotism” ten… coming out of your mouth?
Charlie: I’m just saying…
Alan: Not everybody is trying to get to you, Charlie. The only thing that’s going on here is two lonely people playing a game of Scrabble.
Charlie: Oh, Alan, please tell me you’re not thinking about you and Rose?
Alan: Me and Rose? [does the sock puppet hand] Ew.
----------------------------
[The supermarket. Charlie rounds the corner of the drinks aisle, pushing a trolley.]
Charlie: Let’s see… One Russian blonde [puts vodka in the trolley], one Scottish brunette [whiskey], and a full bodied redhead from Napa Valley [red wine]. Charlie’s Angels.
[He rounds another corner and bumps into someone else’s trolley. It is Wendy.]
Charlie: Oh, sorry.
Wendy: Oh.
Charlie: Oh, hi.
Wendy: Hi.
Charlie: What are you doing here?
Wendy: I’m grocery shopping.
Charlie: Here? In my supermarket? So this is just a coincidence?
Wendy: Well, it’s not entirely. I eat food, and I live two blocks away.
Charlie: Oh, come on Wendy, we both know that…
[A man approaches and puts something in Wendy’s trolley. They are obviously together.]
Man: Everything okay?
Wendy: Oh, yea, everything’s fine. Dave, this is Charlie. Charlie, Dave.
Charlie: Hey.
Dave: Hey.
Wendy: Dave, we need a Duraflame log.
Dave: [eyeing Charlie] Okay. [he goes.]
Charlie: Who’s that? Your brother?
Wendy: No, he’s… oh, look Charlie, I know I probably should’ve given you a call but I just thought that after last weekend it was pretty clear it wasn’t going to work out between you and me.
Charlie: What?
Wendy: Well, I mean, I was happy to entertain your nephew for a while. I mean, he’s a great kid, but who’s got the energy? And your mother? She’s been calling me all week. She wants to go to a spinning class with me. What is up with that?
Charlie: I thought you two hit it off.
Wendy: I’m from the Midwest. I was being polite. What did you think was going on?
Charlie: That.
Wendy: So, no hard feelings.
Charlie: No, no, of course not. So, you and Dave, how serious is that?
Wendy: [smiles and walks away] Goodbye Charlie.
Charlie: [watches her go] You know, you’re breaking a little boy’s heart.
-------------------------------
[Jake is in bed. Charlie is sitting on the bed, drinking whiskey.]
Charlie: You see, my relationships with women, they come and go. But you and me, we’re family. That’s solid. That’s forever. You with me?
Jake: I think so.
Charlie: I mean, maybe I shouldn’t be laying this on you, because you’re 10, but I’m beginning to realise I might not be the guy I thought everybody thought I was.
Jake: [sleepy] Hmm.
Charlie: Yea, it’s a mind blower, isn’t it? You see, the problem isn’t with who I go out with. The problem is with me. Your Uncle Charlie has major trust issues with women. And I think it might have something to do with my relationship with my mom.
Jake: [fighting off sleep] I understand.
Charlie: Do you?
Jake: No, I’m just tired and I don’t care anymore.
Charlie: So, we’re cool?
Jake: Yea.
Charlie: Good. [kisses Jake’s forehead and gets up.] Good night.
Jake: Good night. [Charlie switches off the light.] Uncle Charlie?
Charlie: Yea?
Jake: Does this mean you don’t have nuts like a fox?
Charlie: Yea. [smiles] That’s what it means. [shuts the door behind him.]
----------------------------------
[Charlie is in the kitchen. The microwave dings. Rose enters from the deck.]
Rose: Don’t look at my tiles, Alan. Scrabble eyes, my sweet patootie, he’s a tile peeker.
Charlie: Rose, listen, I think I owe you an apology.
Rose: You mean for seducing me with your roguish charms and then dumping me like a bag of old doorknobs?
Charlie: That and more recently, I told Alan that you were being nice to him just to get close to me. And I’ve come to realise that’s my own paranoia about women trying to manipulate me. And I’m sorry that I projected that on you.
Rose: Oh, come here, you big silly. [Hugs him.] I forgive you.
Charlie: Really? Thank you.
[Alan knocks on the door and waves an egg timer at Rose.]
Rose: Okay. I’ve gotta go, your brother is out of control with that egg timer.
Charlie: You think maybe I could play with you guys?
Rose: It’s fine with me. Go ask Mr That’s-Not-A-Word.
Charlie: Thanks. And again, I’m sorry.
Rose: I’ll be right there. [Charlie exits.] Phase 1, complete.
Source : https://www.twiztv.com
