[Charlie is standing in front of the mirror in his bedroom. Alan appears in the doorway.]
Alan: Hey, what are you doing?
Charlie: Picking out a shirt?
Alan: Oh, that one looks nice.
Charlie: You like it?
Alan: Yea.
Charlie: Then, no. [takes the shirt off]
Alan: Okay. Uh, listen, I was wondering, do you have any plans for Thanksgiving?
Charlie: Alan, I don’t think that far ahead.
Alan: It’s this Thursday.
Charlie: [trying on a red shirt] No kidding. Didn’t we just get through that whole pumpkin, the costume thing with the kid?
Alan: Halloween?
Charlie: Yea.
Alan: Three weeks ago.
Charlie: Oh. No, I got no plans, why?
Alan: Well, I was thinking Jake’s gonna be with his mom and her parents and I thought maybe you and I could do something.
Charlie: Okay. Want to go to Vegas?
Alan: I was thinking something a little more traditional.
Charlie: Reno?
Alan: Charlie, it’s a family holiday.
Charlie: Yea, so, I’m your family. Unless you want to spend a perfectly good Thursday with “Mom, the Impaler.”
Alan: Think we can get into the Bellagio?
Charlie: Leave it to me.
Alan: [points to the shirt] Ooh, that one’s nice.
Charlie: [takes off the shirt and puts on a brown one] Here’s what we’ll do. We’ll fly to Vegas, have a big steak dinner, get you a lap dance and a bucket of nickels.
Alan: What are the nickels for?
Charlie: I’ll explain it on the plane.
Alan: Alright, that sounds kinda fun. Two single guys, rocking out in Vegas, the glitz, the glamour…
Charlie: Dude, don’t gay it up.
[They go downstairs.]
Alan: You know, I like this shirt much better.
Charlie: Stop screwing with me, Alan.
Alan: So, who’s the lucky gal?
Charlie: Remember Lisa?
Alan: Lisa-who-used-to-live-here, Lisa?
Charlie: She lived here, she moved out. She lived here, I moved out. At one point, neither one of us lived here. Yea, that Lisa.
Alan: Wow. So, she’s gonna take you back again?
Charlie: Hey, who said she’s the one who broke up with… yea, I’m hoping.
Alan: Well, good luck.
Charlie: Thanks.
[He exits and then comes back two seconds later.]
Charlie: I’ve completely lost confidence in this shirt.
---------------------------------
[A coffee shop. Charlie enters and looks around. He spots Lisa and approaches.]
Charlie: Hey, Lees, sorry I’m late.
Lisa: Hey… [she stands and hugs him] How many times did you change your shirt before you left the house?
Charlie: I wanted to look pretty for you.
Lisa: You’re such a girl.
Charlie: Thanks, you too. [They sit.] It’s good to see you.
Lisa: It’s good to see you, too.
[There’s an awkward silence, as they look at each other.]
Charlie: So, you wanna just blow this place and get a room?
Lisa: I can’t.
Charlie: Why not?
Lisa: I’m getting married.
Charlie: Yea, ha ha, me too.
Lisa: I’m not kidding.
Charlie: You can’t do that. You love me.
Lisa: That’s not the point. I’m tired of doing this dance of death with you. Hooking up, breaking up, making up.
Charlie: That’s not a dance of death, that’s the circle of life.
Lisa: It may be your life, but it’s not mine. Not anymore. I’m moving on.
Charlie: To what?
Lisa: To settling down, to having a family, to not having my heart constantly broken by a man who refuses to grow up.
Charlie: And that would be me?
Lisa: Yes, you, you big ass.
Charlie: But the sex was awesome though, right?
Lisa: Yes, it was. But there’s more to relationships…
Charlie: Is it awesome with your fiancé?
Lisa: None of your business.
Charlie: It’s not, is it?
Lisa: God, why did I call you?
Charlie: I’ll tell you why. Because, in your heart, you know you are about to make a huge mistake and you want me to talk you out of it.
Lisa: No, I was hoping you and I could have some closure.
Charlie: Well, then I refer you back to my suggestion that we blow this place and get a room.
Lisa: Same old Charlie.
Charlie: What if I wasn’t? Would you still be marrying this clown?
Lisa: Bo is not a clown.
Charlie: Bo?
Lisa: Bo.
Charlie: I’m sorry, Bo-Bo is a clown.
Lisa: Charlie, you’ll never change. Look at you, a grown man who can’t even commit to long pants.
Charlie: Hey, I can commit to long pants, I was just focused on the shirt today. And for your information, I’ve gone through changes like you wouldn’t believe since the last time we were together.
Lisa: Like what?
Charlie: Well, I have a kid now.
Lisa: Oh, god Charlie, what poor girl did you knock up?
Charlie: No, no, no, it’s my nephew. He and my brother are living with me now. I’m like “Mr Family Guy.”
Lisa: [laughs] Yea, right, “Family Guy.” How’s it going with your mom?
Charlie: What the hell’s my mom got to do with family?
Lisa: Come on, Charlie, we both know you’ll never have a successful relationship with any woman, let alone me, until you resolve your issues with your mother.
Charlie: Well, as a matter of fact, it just so happens, on that note, since you mentioned it, those issues are resolved.
Lisa: Really? How’d that happen?
Charlie: You know, communication, self-reflection, personal growth, crap like that. The important thing is, I now have a much deeper appreciation for what do you call them, traditional values.
Lisa: “Traditional values?” This from a guy who offered my sister a car if she’d come to bed with us?
Charlie: It was a joke and I was drunk. But still, it shows a yearning for family.
Lisa: Okay, this is going nowhere. [reaches for her coat.]
Charlie: Lisa, wait. I’m, I’m, I’m sorry. I don’t want you to not be in my life anymore. I’d like us to be friends.
Lisa: I’d like that, too.
Charlie: Good. So, when are you getting married?
Lisa: We haven’t set a date. We’re gonna talk about it when Bo gets back from New York on Monday.
Charlie: So, you’re all alone for Thanksgiving?
Lisa: Yea, why?
[Cut to Charlie entering the kitchen, carrying a massive frozen turkey. Alan is sitting on the sofa.]
Charlie: Change of plans.
---------------------------------
[Where we left off.]
Charlie: What’s so tough to understand? We’re gonna have a big family dinner right here.
Alan: Uh-huh. And whose big family were you planning on inviting?
Charlie: You know, you, me, Jake, mom, turkey, just like the good old days.
Alan: What good old days?
Charlie: It’s just an expression, don’t get hung up on it. [he sits down with the turkey in his lap] Oh, and Lisa might come.
Alan: Okay, what’s going on?
Charlie: I need to show Lisa that I’m a family guy.
Alan: But you’re not.
Charlie: That’s not the point. She’s about to go off and marry some jerk just because he loves her and wants to settle down.
Alan: Oh, I get it. You’re Satan.
Charlie: Alan, this is serious. I could lose her forever.
Alan: Wow. And you care?
Charlie: I love her, Alan. She’s the only one I ever thought I might eventually wind up with.
Alan: “Eventually wind up with.” I’m touched. So, you want to, what, keep her warming up in your bullpen until the bottom of the ninth when you lose your… arm?
Charlie: Okay, I don’t know how we got onto sports but the thing is, I really care for Lisa and she needs to believe I’m capable of changing.
Alan: Ah, but the thing is, you’re not.
Charlie: You don’t know that. I might be. Who knows what would happen if I actually tried.
Alan: You’re really serious about this?
Charlie: Alan, I’ve got a 200 pound turkey melting in my lap. What do you think?
Alan: Okay, how can I help?
Charlie: Well, obviously we can’t have a family Thanksgiving without a kid. So you need to get Jake back from your wife.
Alan: Simple as that, huh? Okay, so I go to Judith and I say: “Forget the fact that we agreed on a custody schedule, forget the fact that your parents are driving all the way from Sacramento to spend time with their grandson. Charlie needs to use our son as a prop so that he can maintain an on-again off-again relationship with a woman with whom he might eventually wind up.”
Charlie: You know what? I’ll talk to her.
Alan: Yea.
[Cut to a coffee shop. Charlie and Judith are having coffee.]
Judith: No way in hell. Are you insane? What’s wrong with you?
Charlie: Okay, maybe I didn’t explain it correctly.
Judith: You explained it fine. You’re not taking Jake for Thanksgiving.
Charlie: Not just Jake. You can come too, and your parents. Think of it, the whole family, just like the good old days.
Judith: What good old days?
Charlie: Jeez, why is everybody so damn literal? Judith, what is Thanksgiving about if not family? And wouldn’t it be good for Jake to spend Thanksgiving with his whole family because that’s what Thanksgiving is about, family and stuff.
Judith: [changing her mind] I don’t know.
Charlie: And you wouldn’t have to lift a finger. I’ll have someone there to do the cooking, the serving and the cleaning.
Judith: Really, who?
Charlie: My housekeeper, Berta. She’s a saint and she’s really looking forward to this.
[Cut to Berta, cleaning Charlie’s kitchen table.]
Berta: No way in hell. Are you insane? What’s wrong with you?
Charlie: Come on.
Berta: I don’t work holidays, Charlie.
Charlie: Please?
Berta: I’ve got a life, you know.
Charlie: Pretty please?
Berta: My brother is in the Witness Protection Program and I’ve been invited to spend Thanksgiving with him at an undisclosed location.
Charlie: I’ll give you a thousand dollars.
Berta: Done.
-------------------------------
[The front doorbell rings. Jake runs to answer it. It’s Lisa.]
Lisa: Hi, you must be Jake.
Jake: Yes, I am. [clearly rehearsed] My wonderful Uncle Charlie has opened his home to me and my father cause we had nowhere else to go.
[He walks away, past Charlie (wearing long trousers!) who slips him some money.]
Charlie: Hey, Merry Thanksgiving. [They hug.]
Lisa: I like what you’ve done with the place.
Charlie: You picked out everything here.
Lisa: I know. Just wanted to make sure you did. Charlie, I’ve got to admit, I never thought I’d see the day when you’d be hosting a family Thanksgiving.
Charlie: Well, like I’ve been telling you, I’ve changed. So, with that in mind, wanna blow this place and get a room?
Lisa: Charlie, stop it. Come on, introduce me.
Charlie: Fine. Lisa, this is Judith, my former sister-in-law, but still, you know, family.
Judith: Hi. [They shake hands]
Lisa: Hi.
Judith: Nice to meet you.
Lisa: Nice to meet you.
Charlie: And these, of course, are her wonderful parents, Sherman and Lorraine.
Judith: Sheldon and Lenore.
Charlie: Sheldon and Lenore, it’s great to see you folks. So, Shelly, how you liking California?
Sheldon: We live in California.
Charlie: So, you must really like it.
[Alan enters from the kitchen.]
Alan: Hi Lisa, so nice to see you again.
Lisa: Hi Alan, long time.
Charlie: See, isn’t this great? This is why we all come together. We break up, we make up, but in the end, the love is the love and the family is the family.
Alan: Ease up on the wine, Charlie.
Lenore: No, he’s right, and Alan, Sheldon and I want you to know that even though you and our daughter are no longer married, we will always think of you as our son.
Judith: What the hell’s that supposed to mean, Ma?
Sheldon: It means that even though you loused up your marriage, we still love him.
Judith: Oh, thanks a lot, Dad, I appreciate the blame.
Charlie: This is really Judith’s family. Let’s go find mine.
[He ushers Lisa away and into the kitchen.]
Charlie: Hey Berta, look who’s here.
Lisa: Hi, Berta. [They hug.]
Berta: Oh, honey, don’t tell me you’re back here again. Don’t you ever learn?
Lisa: As a matter of fact, I think I have.
Berta: Good for you, you can do so much better.
[Cut to Jake and Evelyn, out on the deck. She is fiddling with his hair.]
Evelyn: And remember, you may have two grandmothers, but only one of them has enough money to send you to medical school.
Jake: What if I don’t want to go to medical school?
Evelyn: Well, then, you’d break your grandmommy’s heart, just like your father did.
Jake: Dad’s a doctor.
Evelyn: No, sweetheart, your father’s a chiropractor. That’s a masseuse without the hot oil. Go play with your friends.
Jake: I’m the only kid here.
Evelyn: Well, you might want to think about why that is.
[Jake goes inside, passing Charlie and Lisa on the way.]
Jake: I want more money.
Charlie: [watches him go] Hey, Mom. You remember Lisa, right? We used to live together.
Evelyn: No, I don’t. I’m sorry. Hello dear. [They shake hands.] My son has had so many little roommates. I just hope you’ve got better taste than the one who picked out his hideous furniture.
[Evelyn goes inside, Lisa looks upset.]
Charlie: Hey, who’s got unresolved issues with her now?
[Cut to Judith and her parents.]
Judith: Did it ever occur to you that you might want to support me, your daughter?
Lenore: Why can’t we support Alan too?
Judith: Because I’m divorcing him.
Sheldon: Well, who told you to go and do that?
[Cut to Lisa and Charlie on the deck.]
Lisa: It’s very sweet of you to go to all this trouble, but who are you kidding? The plaid shirt, the sweater vest, the kid actor.
Charlie: No, no, that’s really my nephew.
Lisa: I love you, Charlie, but you’re not going to change my mind.
Charlie: Live with me.
Lisa: Charlie!
Charlie: No, I’m serious. Move back in.
Lisa: Really? And then what?
Charlie: And then, we’ll see.
Lisa: Wow, a commitment to “see.” And what finger does that ring go on Charlie?
Charlie: You know what I mean.
Lisa: I know exactly what you mean. You want me to waste a couple more years of my life on a relationship that’s absolutely doomed to fail.
Charlie: Not your life, our life.
[Cut to inside. Alan intervenes.]
Alan: Look, I appreciate your feelings for me, but I have to tell you I really think your daughter deserves a lot of respect. I mean, it takes real courage to make changes in your life and not worry about what everybody thinks.
Judith: Thank you, Alan.
[Evelyn walks past, looking a little tipsy and joins the group.]
Evelyn: That’s true. The lesbians of my generation were too scared to come out of the closet.
[Awkward moment. Her parents obviously didn’t know.]
Lenore: Does that mean what I think it means?
Alan: You haven’t told them?
Judith: No. I thought it would be more appropriate coming from your mother.
Evelyn: Oh, I’m sorry, did I faux pas?
Judith: Yes, just get her out of here.
Alan: Mom…
[They descend into shouting. Cut to Charlie and Lisa looking in on the chaos.]
Charlie: What was I thinking?
[A pie appears on the balcony, and then Rose climbs up. Lisa looks alarmed.]
Rose: Happy Thanksgiving. Sorry I’m late, but I didn’t realise you were having a party. Hi, I’m Rose.
Lisa: Hi. [They shake hands.]
Rose: Don’t worry, Charlie and I had sex once, but now we’re just friends. [She picks up her pie and heads inside.] Who’s ready for mystery pie?
Charlie: [off Lisa’s look] If you were living here, these kinds of things probably wouldn’t happen!
-------------------------------
[The group are at the table, tucking in to the food. Berta is at the oven. There is a very awkward silence. Berta brings over the enormous turkey.]
Berta: Here it is. [no one says anything] Ooh, Berta, nice looking bird, thanks for blowing off your family and cooking for ours. [taps Lenore] Shove over. [Sits at the table.]
Jake: Are we gonna go round the table and say what we’re thankful for?
Rose: [puts her hand up] Ooh, me, I got one. I’m thankful for the food we eat, and thankful for the friends we meet, I’m thankful for my comfy seat, I’m thankful for the [struggling for a rhyme] birdie’s feet. [sings] White with foam, God bless America…
Charlie: Pull up, Rose.
Rose: Sorry.
Alan: Jake, why don’t you go?
Jake: Okay. I’m thankful for my mom and dad, and my Uncle Charlie… [pulls out some paper with his lines written on] who has shown in the few short months that I’ve been here that he is capable of sig… [leans over to Judith]
Judith: Significant.
Jake: Significant change and growth.
Charlie: Too obvious?
Lisa: Little bit.
Alan: Okay, well, I’m thankful that I can spend the holiday with all the people I love, and all the people who love me… and Judith.
Evelyn: I’m thankful I’ll be dead someday and you’ll all feel horrible you weren’t nicer to me.
Lenore: And I’m grateful that our daughter gave us at least one grandchild before she… [starts to cry]
Judith: I’m thankful I finally found a therapist who has no compunction about prescribing powerful sedatives.
Berta: Well, I’m thankful I can sit here and listen to you rich people whine while my family’s scrabbling for a corn dog at the Pomona Fairgrounds.
Lisa: Charlie?
Charlie: No, you first.
Lisa: Uh, well, I’m thankful for you and I hope you’ll always be my friend.
Charlie: Okay, well, I’m thankful for you too. And I’m thankful for everybody coming together today as unwitting participants in my desperate charade.
Rose: Amen.
Alan: Okay, maybe I should carve the turkey.
Sheldon: Oh, I’ll handle that for you son.
Evelyn: No, you both sit down, I’ll do it.
Alan: No, Mom, I can do it.
Evelyn: Oh, no, don’t be ridiculous.
Alan: Mom, please, it’s mine.
Sheldon: No, I insist, I would love to.
Charlie: Okay, everybody stop! Mom, give me the knife.
Evelyn: Charlie, don’t be silly. You don’t know how to carve a turkey.
Charlie: Maybe not, but I’m the head of this household and the head of the household is supposed to carve the turkey.
Evelyn: Why? Because you saw it on some TV show? I swear, you are just like your father.
Charlie: No, I am not just like my father. My father was afraid of you, and I’m not… anymore. [to Lisa] Okay, there was one unresolved issue.
Evelyn: Charlie, now you’re being foolish. Give me the knife and sit down.
Charlie: [holds up the knife] Back off lady. [starts to carve the turkey, angrily] Every Thanksgiving, you took the knife away from Dad, and when you did that, you took away his manhood. Well, you’re not going to take it away from me. [Making a complete mess of the turkey.] There, see? It’s carved. [Turkey starts flying everywhere.] It’s carved with my manhood. [He sticks the knife in the top and stops.]
Lenore: [whispers to Sheldon] I don’t think I’m very hungry anymore.
Charlie: Lisa, marry me.
Lisa: Marry you? You want me to marry you?
Charlie: Yes, you know, eventually.
-----------------------------------------
[Charlie is showing Lisa to the door.]
Charlie: Sure you don’t want some turkey for the road?
Lisa: No, I’m fine.
Charlie: So, are you gonna invite me to your wedding?
Lisa: Charlie.
Charlie: Will you at least call me when you get divorced?
Lisa: You’ll be first on my list.
Charlie: For what it’s worth, I do love you.
Lisa: I know that.
Charlie: [kisses her on the cheek] Best of luck.
Lisa: Thank you. [turns to go] You look good in long pants. [She goes.]
Charlie: Thanks.
[He goes inside and shuts the door. He heads up the stairs, switching off the lights as he goes. We pan round to see that everyone is still at the dinner table.]
Alan: Charlie? We’re still eating.
Source : https://www.twiztv.com
