[A movie theatre. Alan and Charlie are in the queue.]
Alan: Okay, after I get the tickets, you line up for the popcorn, while I go nail down some good seats. Oh, I want butter in the middle, don’t just let them squirt it on top. Ooh, and a large cherry slurpy. Then, you hold the seats while I go to the men’s room, and then I’ll do the same for you. And that way we can enjoy our drinks during the movie without fear.
Charlie: Got you.
Alan: You’re not gonna do any of that, are you?
Charlie: Nope.
Alan: So, you want to go in there with no coordination, no strategy, just winging it?
Charlie: That’s what I’m thinking.
Alan: I have no faith in this at all.
[Alan is next up in the queue, he goes to the desk. Charlie spots an attractive lady.]
Charlie: Now, for her I’d stand in line for a butter squirt.
Alan: Yea, she is a hottie.
[The woman turns round – it is Judith!]
Charlie: Hey, that’s no hottie, that’s your ex-wife!
Alan: Judith?
Judith: Alan?
Charlie: Sorry about the squirt thing.
Alan: Wow, look at you, new hair, clothes, you look… wow.
Judith: Thank you.
Charlie: No, no, thank you. It’s a public service when a gay chick goes lipstick instead of lumberjack.
Alan: So, how was the movie? Where’s Jake?
Judith: Home with the babysitter. Alan, I’m kinda on a date.
Alan: Oh, okay. Oh, is that her? [to some random woman] Hi, nice to meet you. I’m the ex.
Judith: Alan, that’s not my date.
[A very tall man, Phil, walks over.]
Phil: Hey, Alan.
Alan: Phil! What a coincidence. [to Charlie] Phil is Jake’s soccer coach. Phil, you remember Judith.
Phil: Well, yea, I…
Charlie: [counting until Alan realises] One-Mississippi.
Judith: Uh, Alan…
Alan: What?
Charlie: Two-Mississippi.
Alan: [realises] Oh, God!
Charlie: Okay, we’re all caught up. [Tries to drag Alan away.]
Alan: Wait, wait, you’re dating Phil? How can you be dating Phil?
Judith: Well, Alan, he asked me out.
Alan: What about the whole gay thing? Did you even give that a chance?
Judith: Phil, we’d better go.
Phil: Hey, Alan, I hope this doesn’t affect our friendship.
Alan: [sarcastic] Oh, no, call me, we’ll hang out.
Phil: Great, great, how’s Tuesday?
Alan: Tuesday’s good. Judith, how’s Tuesday for you?
Judith: [to Phil] Just walk away. [They go.]
Alan: [shouts after them] I know you built your sundeck without a permit and I am calling it in!
Charlie: Alan, Alan, chill.
Alan: That two-faced, wife-poaching, soccer-coaching rat bastard!
Charlie: Come on, let it go. I’ll treat you to a cherry slurpy.
Alan: I don’t want a cherry slurpy.
Charlie: Are you sure? Cos I think Phil’s gonna get one.
----------------------------
[Alan and Charlie are in a bar having drinks. A waitress puts another beer on the table.]
Alan: What does she think she’s doing? She’s straight, she’s gay, she’s straight again. Place your bets, where she lands, nobody knows.
Charlie: Alan, it’s no big deal. Women get to experiment with their sexuality. It’s only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.
Alan: Where do you get this stuff?
Charlie: I make it up. Anyway, it doesn’t matter what Judith is. It only matters what she’s not.
Alan: And what is she not, Charlie?
Charlie: She is not coming back to you, pal.
Alan: Thank you for your sensitivity.
Charlie: All I’m saying is, is that Judith has moved on with her life and maybe it’s time for you to do the same.
Alan: I know, I know. It’s just… I can’t.
Charlie: Sure you can, I’ll help you.
Alan: How?
Charlie: I don’t know, by saying things like “Sure you can, I’ll help you.”
Alan: Great, thanks.
Charlie: Look, this isn’t just about you, you know. All this wallowing in the past is causing other people to suffer.
Alan: You mean Jake.
Charlie: I mean me. You are really starting to piss me off.
Alan: Okay, that’s enough help for now.
Charlie: I’m just saying, maybe it’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Alan: You’re right, right, I know you’re right.
Charlie: Forget Judith. There’s a whole world out there that you haven’t pissed off yet.
Alan: There is no reason I couldn’t find happiness with someone else.
Charlie: There you go.
Alan: This could be the beginning of the rest of my life.
Charlie: A bit of a bumper sticker, but sure, why not?
Alan: In fact, for the first time since college, I can go after any woman I want. Heck, I could take a page from your book and date them two, three at a time.
Charlie: [mutters] Yea, right. [Alan looks, so he turns more sincere] I mean, yea, right.
Alan: You know what? [looks around] I’m gonna start right now.
[He gulps his drink, looks around, and walks over to a table of four women. Charlie looks on, knowingly. Alan returns, a fake smile on his face. He sits.]
Alan: I am gonna die alone.
Charlie: No, no. You just don’t know how to sell yourself. Give me a minute.
[Charlie goes over to the women as Alan watches. Charlie points at Alan who gives an embarrassed wave, and the women all nod. Charlie returns.]
Alan: So?
Charlie: If it was up to them, you’d die alone.
Alan: Great.
Charlie: Okay, here’s the thing. If you really want to play in this league, you’re gonna have to make a few changes.
Alan: Like what?
Charlie: Hang on.
[Charlie goes back over to the women, whispers something to them, and they all laugh. He comes back.]
Charlie: Pretty much everything.
Alan: Everything?
Charlie: Yep, the hair, the clothes, the fuddy-duddy personality.
Alan: What do they know about my personality?
Charlie: Okay, that part’s mine. Face it, Alan, you’ve been an old fart since you were 14.
Alan: What is that supposed to mean?
Charlie: It means, how many eighth graders carry a briefcase and a pocket watch?
Alan: That was the Esperanto Club look.
Charlie: Okay, well, unless you know where all the hot Esperanto chicks hang out, you’re gonna need to shake things up a little.
Alan: Really? And how do I go about “shaking things up?”
Charlie: Hang on.
[He goes back to the women. They giggle and laugh. He leans back over to Alan and throws him his keys.]
Charlie: This may take a while, don’t wait up.
[He pulls up a chair at the women’s table.]
-------------------------------
[Charlie, Alan and Jake are having pizza at the kitchen table.]
Jake: Hey, guess what? Coach Phil made me first-string on the soccer team.
Alan: Is that so?
Jake: Yea, it’s weird, cause I suck.
Charlie: Well, maybe Coach Phil sees some potential.
Alan: [glares at Charlie] So, er, what else is new?
Jake: Mom’s got new clothes and new hair. It’s like she’s a different person or something.
Alan: But she’s still the same person, Jake.
Jake: No, not really. She walks around the house singing all the time.
Alan: She just sings for no reason?
Jake: I guess.
Charlie: I wonder if it’s the same reason I sing for no reason. Does Coach Phil sing for no reason?
Alan: Oh, for God’s sake Charlie!
Jake: How come you haven’t changed anything yet, Dad?
Alan: Why should I change?
Jake: So you’d look cool like Mom.
Alan: You don’t think I look cool now?
Jake: No.
Alan: You know what? It doesn’t matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what’s inside them, not by what they wear.
Jake: Lucky for you, huh?
Alan: [getting annoyed] Yea, lucky.
Jake: I’m done. Can I go watch TV?
Alan: Sure. [Jake goes.] Help me, Charlie, I want to sing for no reason.
-------------------------
[Jake is sitting on the sofa, watching TV. Alan enters.]
Alan: Get your jacket, it’s time to go.
Jake: I don’t wanna go. I hate clothes shopping.
Alan: Well, you can’t stay here alone.
Jake: Why not?
Alan: You know why not.
Jake: But you don’t have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore.
Alan: Get your jacket.
Jake: [gets up] Fine. I’ll put on my stupid jacket, we’ll get in the stupid car and we’ll go stupid clothes shopping.
[Jake goes to get his coat. Charlie is just coming down the stairs.]
Charlie: Hey, don’t talk to your stupid father like that. [to Alan] So, you ready for your big makeover?
Alan: You know what? Actually, I am. I was up all night thinking about it.
Charlie: All night? Maybe your money’s better spent on a hooker.
Alan: No, no, listen. Um, I was in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror when I noticed, and I think I can be completely objective about this, that I have a very nice ass for a guy my age. And I think I should start dressing in such a way as to play that card. You know, for the ladies.
[Charlie just stares at him. The doorbell rings.]
Alan: Go ahead, check it out.
[As he walks to open the door, he shows off his behind.]
Alan: Am I lying?
[Alan opens the door to Evelyn.]
Alan: [surprised] Hi Mom.
Evelyn: Oh good, you remember me. Hello Charlie.
Charlie: Hey, Mom, right?
Evelyn: Very cute. I was in the neighbourhood, I thought I’d stop by.
Alan: Oh gee, I’m sorry Mom, we were just leaving.
Evelyn: [sighs] It never fails, does it? Whenever I would like to spend some quality time with my grandson, there’s always something more important going on.
Jake: [returns with his coat on] It’s not fair, you know, I’m not the one getting clothes, so why do I have to go and be bored?
Alan: You don’t. You can stay here with Grandma.
Jake: What?
Evelyn: What?
Alan: Have fun.
Jake: Wait, no, I’ll be good, I swear.
Charlie: [shutting the door behind them] Payback’s a bitch, buddy.
[Jake turns round, and he and Evelyn stare at each other.]
-----------------------------
[A department store. Alan and Charlie are meandering around.]
Alan: This department looks nice.
Charlie: You’re sure? Because this is the top floor, there’s no more clothes above this floor.
Alan: No, I have a good feeling about this floor.
Charlie: Great. [picks up a shirt] How about this shirt?
Alan: No, I don’t think so.
Charlie: Okay. How about this?
Alan: No. No.
Charlie: Good. This one?
Alan: Hmm? No.
Charlie: This?
Alan: No.
Charlie: This?
Alan: No.
Charlie: This?
Alan: No.
Charlie: Tell you what, why don’t you pick something?
Alan: I thought you were gonna help me?
Charlie: Pick something!
Alan: Okay, flying solo.
[Alan looks around, he looks very awkward and out of place. He spots a shirt, and tentatively touches it, then decides he doesn’t like it. Charlie watches him, amazed. Eventually, Alan points to a shirt suspiciously like the one he has on.]
Alan: This is something I could see myself wearing.
Charlie: You like this?
Alan: Yea.
Charlie: Let me see that.
[He picks up the shirt, then holds it up against Alan. Deciding they are the same, he then hits Alan over the head with the shirt.]
Alan: Ow.
------------------------------
[Evelyn is sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee. She is talking on the phone. Jake is sitting on the sofa, watching the television.]
Evelyn: [on phone] Oh, please, if she has one more facelift, she’ll be wearing her ass as a hat. [to Jake] Jake, honey, turn the TV down. Grandmommy’s on the telephone. [Jake does so. On Phone] I’m sorry, what? No, no, I’m just spending a little quality time with my grandson. Oh, he’s an amazing boy, we’re very close. Two peas in a pod. What? Er, uh, hold on. [She walks over to Jake, holding the phone away from her.] Jake, how old are you?
Jake: Ten.
Evelyn: [on phone] Seven.
Jake: I said “ten”.
Evelyn: [holds the phone away from her and whispers] If I’m 55, you’re seven. [Jake shrugs. On phone.] He’s an adorable boy and he just loves me so much. [Holds the phone out to Jake] Jake, Jake, tell my friend Cheryl how much you love Grandmommy. Go on, darling.
Jake: [reluctantly takes the phone.] I’m 10. [holds the phone back to Evelyn]
---------------------------
[Charlie is waiting outside the fitting room for Alan.]
Charlie: How’s it going in there?
Alan: Whatever happened to zippers? I miss zippers.
Charlie: I don’t know Alan, maybe there were too many injuries. Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole. Come on out, let’s see.
Alan: I’m just not sure about this.
Charlie: Alan, we’re never going to find the right look for you unless we experiment. Now, let’s see.
[Alan comes out, wearing a black, mesh vest and a sparkly belt.]
Alan: I’m not happy with visible nipples.
Charlie: Yea, that’s what’s wrong with it.
[Various cuts of Alan emerging from the fitting room. Wearing a red check shirt and waistcoat like a cowboy, Charlie sniggers. Wearing yellow trousers and a hideous jumper, Charlie instructs him to twirl around one way, then back the other, and then back again. Alan waves him off and goes back in the fitting room. Wearing a very flash, stripy suit, Charlie laughs hysterically. Wearing a baggy, red tracksuit, Charlie looks him up and down, eyebrows raised. Alan nods and goes back inside. Finally, wearing a shirt and shorts, the same as Charlie but a different colour.]
Charlie: That’s it. We need a gay guy.
[Alan nods and goes back inside.]
---------------------------
[Evelyn is now sitting on the sofa, talking to Jake. She looks like she has a headache.]
Jake: His name is Spongebob Squarepants and his friend’s name is Patrick. He’s a starfish and he lives on the same street as Spongebob and he’s unbelievably dumb. [Evelyn yawns] Squidward lives there, too. Of course, he’s a squid and he hates Spongebob and he plays the clarinet. [She yawns again] Both Squidward and Spongebob work at the Crusty Krab for Mr Krab who’s really cheap but Spongebob doesn’t care because he just likes being a fry cook and making Krabby…
Evelyn: [interrupts] So, bottom line… he’s a sponge?
Jake: Yea. [talking slower to make her understand] His pants are square because he’s square and so is his underwear. They’re tighty-whities but they’re square.
Evelyn: Oh, dear God.
Jake: And he has a pet snail named Gary, that... [continues talking]
-------------------------
[Alan is looking at himself in the mirror, now wearing a very nice jacket. A gay man is helping them.]
Man: Okay, relax the shoulders, good. The style suits you, the pants hang beautifully. Oh dear.
Alan: What?
Man: You’re not going to be wearing those shoes, are you?
Charlie: Say no.
Alan: No.
Charlie: Could you show us some shoes that will go with this?
Man: I’m sorry, I don’t actually work here, I came in for a belt.
[The man walks off.]
Charlie: Okay, we got an outfit. Let’s go find some shoes.
Alan: No, Charlie, I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.
Charlie: Don’t worry, I’m sure there’ll be a gay guy in the shoe department.
Alan: No, I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want new clothes.
Charlie: What are you talking about? You look great. That guy said you look stunning!
Alan: He said “fabulous” but that’s not the point. This is not who I am.
Charlie: Yea. But who you are couldn’t get laid underwater with a tank full of oxygen.
Alan: Forget it, let’s just go home.
Charlie: Wait a second. I spend all day schlepping from store to store with you, listening to you whine, and now that we’ve finally found something that works, you want to bail?
Alan: I just don’t feel comfortable in this stuff.
Charlie: I knew it. I knew you’d chicken out.
Alan: Chicken out? No, I’m not even gonna dignify that with a response.
Charlie: At least your wife had the guts to try something new.
Alan: Don’t go there, Charlie.
Charlie: I mean, the soccer coach was kinda a sideways move, but you gotta admire the effort.
Alan: Fine. I will buy the stupid clothes, but I am never, ever going to do this with you again.
Charlie: Promise?
[The gay guy is stood nearby.]
Man: [leans in] I just hope he’s worth all the drama!
[Charlie stares at him.]
-------------------------
[Alan gets home.]
Alan: Hello? Mom, Jake?
Jake: [from the kitchen] In here.
[Alan enters the kitchen to find Rose and Jake sitting on the sofa, playing a video game.]
Alan: Hello.
Jake: Hey, Dad.
Rose: Hi Alan.
Alan: Rose, what are you doing here?
Rose: Babysitting.
Alan: Where’s my mother?
Jake: She left.
Alan: Why?
Jake: I don’t know. We were watching Spongebob Squarepants and she stood up and said “life was too short.”
Rose: Luckily, I happened to be out on the deck, not doing anything, just passing by, and she asked me to babysit.
Jake: [looks round] Wow, Dad, you look cool!
Alan: Really? You think?
Rose: Oh yea, very sexy.
Alan: Huh.
Rose: So where is Charlie?
Alan: Oh, he dropped me off. We had a little disagreement.
Rose: Was it about those dorky shoes?
[Jake leans over to look, then nods at Rose.]
--------------------------
[Alan enters the same bar they were at previously. Charlie is sitting, having a beer. As he walks over to Charlie, he notices that women are looking at him.]
Alan: Hi.
Charlie: Hi.
Alan: Mind if I join you?
Charlie: Might as well. [sinks a shot.] You’re gonna have to drive me home.
Alan: I just wanted to say that I know you were just trying to help and I appreciate it.
Charlie: Thanks.
Alan: I just got a little panicky. Change is not easy for me, Charlie.
Charlie: Really? I hadn’t noticed.
Alan: And I’m not just talking about the clothes. The clothes are only the tip of the iceberg.
Charlie: Only the tip of the iceberg. [to the woman behind the bar] Leanne, I’m gonna need another shot. [to Alan] Continue.
Alan: Well, yea, it’s like… I was married a long time, Charlie. It’s, it’s who I was, it was my identity. “Married Guy”, “Husband Man”, “Captain Dependable” and I had a uniform. And I don’t know, I guess I just didn’t want to take it off.
Charlie: Because you’d lose your powers of dependability?
Leanne: [setting up the drinks] So, Charlie, who’s your friend?
Charlie: My brother, Alan.
Leanne: Hi Alan, I’m Leanne, it’s nice to meet you.
Alan: I’ve actually met you a bunch of times.
Leanne: Oh no, I’d remember you.
Alan: I come in here with Charlie all the time. I always order a rum and Diet Coke?
Leanne: Oh, right. So, Alan, the usual?
Alan: Uh, no. Today, let’s try something different. Charlie, what are you having?
Charlie: Tequila shooters with a beer back.
Alan: Great. I will have a rum and Diet Coke.
Leanne: [laughs] You got it, hun.
Alan: Was she flirting with me? I think she was flirting with me. I think there was definitely a connection.
Charlie: Alan, you do understand she works for tips?
[Another man sits down beside them.]
Man: Rum and Diet Coke, please?
Leanne: [passing him the drink she made for Alan] Here.
Alan: Did you see that?
Charlie: What did you expect? You bought a sport jacket, not a magic lamp.
-----------------------------
[Alan is in the bathroom. He switches on the shower, then takes off his bathrobe and hangs it on the door. On his way past the mirror, he checks himself out.]
Alan: Hello. [turning round] I didn’t see you back there. [He picks up a hand mirror and holds it in front of him.] Oh yea. [Then he holds it behind him.] I am ready for my close up, Mr DeMille.
Source : https://www.twiztv.com
