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#117 : Un cheeseburger, s'il-vous-plaît

 Alan blesse Charlie lorsqu'il choisit son cousin, qui n'a pas toute sa tête, comme responsable de Jake au cas où Judith et lui viendraient à mourir dans des circonstances qu'il ne souhaite à personne. Un peu plus tard, alors que Charlie et Jake s'entraînent au basket, Jake tombe et s'ouvre le crâne. Charlie se précipite aux urgences et découvre avec horreur que son charme n'a aucun effet sur les infirmières. Pourtant, Jake a besoin de recevoir des soins au plus vite...



5 - 1 vote

Titre VO
Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats

Titre VF
Un cheeseburger, s'il-vous-plaît

Première diffusion

Plus de détails

Écrit par: Eddie Gorodetsky, Mark Roberts (X).

Réalisé par: Andrew D. Weyman.


Guest: Kris Iyer (Dr. Prajneep), Vernee Watson-johnson (Nurse), Elise Robertson (Second Nurse), Ski Carr (Gonzales).

[Charlie opens the front door to Jake.]

Charlie: Hey, there he is. High five. [They smack hands]

Jake: Down low. [Charlie goes to smack hands and Jake pulls his hand away.] Too slow.

Charlie: [picks Jake up] Come here clown. [turns him upside down] Upside down.

[Judith appears in the doorway and coughs.]

Judith: Hello Charlie.

Charlie: Judith, how’s it going?

Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, show Mom how I mop the floor with my hair.

Charlie: Well, it’s not really mopping, it’s more like dusting. [puts Jake down.]

Judith: What if you drop him on his head?

Charlie: Then I guess I will have to mop.

Judith: Wonderful. Where’s Alan?

Charlie: He’s in the kitchen. [adopts a funny posture like an old butler] Walk this way.

[Jake laughs. Judith follows Charlie into the kitchen where Alan is sat at the table.]

Charlie: Master. Your sexually ambivalent ex-wife is here.

Judith: I’m not ambivalent. I’m exploring.

Charlie: Yes, mistress.

Alan: Thanks for bringing Jake over.

Judith: Well, I wanted to give you this anyway.

Alan: What is it?

Judith: It’s the bill from my divorce lawyer. You haven’t been paying them.

Charlie: Told you they’d notice.

Judith: I also need you to look this over and sign it.

Alan: And what is this?

Judith: My lawyer recommended I take out a bigger life insurance policy on you. You know, in case you should die and can’t pay the alimony and legal fees.

Charlie: Why don’t you keep him frozen? Then you can use him to keep your drinks cold too.

Alan: And who’s supposed to pay for this policy?

Judith: You are. And please, try to be on time with the premiums.

Charlie: Boy, my shallow, empty lifestyle is looking pretty good right about now.

Alan: Okay, as long as we’re on the subject of lawyers and death, my lawyer recommended that I redraft my will, and you know what? If I die after you die, guess who gets custody of Jake? Charlie.

Judith: Charlie?

Charlie: Me?

Judith: What about my sister?

Alan: I never liked your sister.

Charlie: Is this the sister I slept with?

Alan/Judith: [together] Shut up Charlie.

Judith: Alan, you can’t be serious. He’s immature, he drinks too much, he sleeps around, he’s completely irresponsible.

Alan: Yea, well, you should have thought of that before you threw me out.

Charlie: Yea.

Judith: Alright Alan, you’re obviously angry and trying to get even with me but I am not gonna take the bait. I will see you on Sunday.

Charlie: Bye-bye.

[Judith glares at him, then exits.]

Charlie: Hey, man, thanks.

Alan: For what?

Charlie: For trusting me, you know, to take care of Jake, when you croak.

Alan: Oh, I’m sorry. You didn’t think I was serious did you? I just said that to piss her off.

Charlie: Right, good one. [Realises] Hey.


[Alan enters the living room, with Charlie following him.]

Charlie: That’s not fair. Why don’t I get to keep the kid when you’re dead?

Alan: If I’m dead. And Judith would have to die before me for it to even be an issue. It’s a contingency plan for a hypothetical worst-case scenario.

Charlie: I know it’s a long shot, but I had the Marlins in the World Series, don’t tell me they don’t come in.

Alan: It never occurred to me that you’d want to be a full-time parent.

Charlie: This isn’t about what I want. This is about what you want and you don’t want me to have Jake.

Jake: [enters from his room] What?

Alan/Charlie: Nothing.

Jake: [goes through to the kitchen] Why did you say my name?

Charlie: Get over yourself, no one said your name. [to Alan] So, what’s wrong with me?

Alan: Charlie, you’re a great uncle. You’re there for all the fun stuff. But I just, I don’t think you’re up to the hard work of being a full time parent to Jake.

Jake: [enters from the kitchen, eating a lollipop] What?

Alan/Charlie: Nothing.

[Jake stops, looks at the pair of them, then walks back to his room, shaking his head.]

Charlie: So, if not me, then who are you giving him to?

Alan: I’m not giving him to anybody. He’s not a five pound ham.

Charlie: You know what I mean. Who gets him in that scenario thing?

Alan: Cousin Jerry, and his wife Faye.

Charlie: Jerry and Faye? Why Jerry and Faye?

Alan: Well, they’ve got a good marriage, three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard and they live in a great school district.

Charlie: Yea, but I’m your brother!

Alan: Charlie, it’s not…

Charlie: And I live right here. You wouldn’t have to ship him off to Corn Hole, Kansas.

Alan: Coventry, Rhode Island.

Charlie: Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?

Alan: I don’t know. Dorothy and Toto?

Charlie: Alright, Alan, let me ask you something. If I’m here and Jake’s in Rhode Island, who’s gonna teach him all the things he needs to know?

Alan: Jerry and Faye are both college professors.

Charlie: I’m talking about the important stuff. About life. Face it, when the time comes, are those two egg heads gonna step up and get your kid laid?

Alan: You’re not helping your case, Charlie.

Charlie: Fine. You’ve made your decision. Despite all I’ve been through with your son, my nephew, obviously I have no say in the matter. [starts to walk off]

Alan: Where are you going?

Charlie: Alan, quite frankly, I’m a little hurt and a little disappointed, so I’m gonna go make myself a big glass of vodka and sit and think about things.

Alan: Charlie, Charlie, wait. Okay, how about this? If Judith dies, and I die, and then Jerry and Faye die, Jake will come live with you.

Charlie: Yea, like I’m gonna outlive Jerry and Faye, the way I drink.


[The kitchen. Evelyn is sitting on the sofa sipping a cup of tea. Jake is next to her in his pyjamas, opening a present. Alan is stood by them.]

Alan: What do you say to Grandma?

Jake: Can I at least open it first?

Alan: Jake.

Evelyn: No, he’s right. Wait and see if he likes it.

[Jake unwraps the present. It is a framed picture of Evelyn.]

Evelyn: Now you can thank me.

Jake: [unimpressed] Thank you.

Evelyn: Oh, I’m kidding. No little boy wants a framed picture of his grandmommy. [holds the picture out to Alan] This is for your Daddy.

Jake: What do you say, Dad?

Alan: Don’t push me, Jake.

Evelyn: That’s my new photo for the Sunday real estate section. I thought you might like a colour print of it for your office.

Alan: Gee, Mom, we’ve already got the one of you swimming with dolphins.

Jake: So you didn’t bring me anything?

Evelyn: Oh, is that all Grandmommy is good for? To bring you gifts? Of course I brought you something. There. [hands him a colouring book and some crayons.]

Jake: Crayons? I’m 10.

Evelyn: Well, it’s not just crayons, sweetheart. It’s also a dinosaur colouring book.

Jake: But I’m 10.

Alan: You want to trade?

Jake: No, I’m good.

[Jake exits to his room.]

Evelyn: So, where’s your brother?

Alan: Why? What’d he get?

Evelyn: Nothing. I just want to make sure he knows why.

Alan: He’s in his room. He’s been sulking all weekend.

Evelyn: Sulking? About what?

Alan: Well, it’s the silliest thing. I just happened to mention that in the unlikely event that Judith should die, and I should die that custody of Jake would go to… [trails off]

Evelyn: Custody of Jake would go to who?

Alan: Uh, actually it would be “whom”.

Evelyn: Alan, who gets Jake?
Alan: Now, see, that’s grammatically correct.

Evelyn: Alan.

Alan: Jerry and Faye.

Evelyn: Jerry and Faye who?

Alan: Your sister’s son and his wife?

Evelyn: Them? You would bypass your own mother in favour of two potato farmers on Long Island?

Alan: They’re agriculture professors in Rhode Island.

Evelyn: Really? Who am I thinking of who lives on Long Island?

Alan: I have no idea.

Evelyn: Well, regardless, I am deeply insulted.

Alan: Come on, Mom. This is only if Judith and I both die and we’re not dying. At least not before you.

Evelyn: Oh, now you’re wishing me dead.

Alan: No, no, Mom…it’s, no…

Evelyn: Give me back my picture.

[She snatches it and storms out. Then she comes back in and places it in front of him.]

Evelyn: No, better you should look at it and feel shame.

[Storms out. Alan looks at the picture.]


[Charlie is outside, bouncing a basketball. There is a hoop on the side of the house. Jake enters.]

Jake: Hey, want to play one on one?

Charlie: Sure. Check it out.

[Charlie throws the ball to Jake who bounces it forward and gets an easy basket.]

Jake: One, nothing.

Charlie: You know that Rhode Island isn’t really an island? That’s just a flat-out lie.

[Charlie throws the ball to Jake who bounces it forward, does a fake out and gets another basket.]

Jake: Two, nothing.

[Alan enters.]

Alan: Hey, I’ve got to run some errands so I’ll be back in about an hour. You guys gonna be okay?

Charlie: Gee, Alan, you sure I can handle the responsibility? What if he wants to go to college or something?

Alan: Charlie, please don’t start. I’ll see you later.

[Alan exits, Jake leaps forward and knocks the ball from Charlie’s hand.]

Charlie: Hey.

[Jake throws another easy basket.]

Jake: Three, nothing.

Charlie: That was a time out.

Jake: You didn’t call it.

Charlie: Fine. Three, nothing.

Jake: You want a do over?

Charlie: No, I don’t want a do over. Just bring it on.

[Jake bounces forward, and then back again. Charlie is blocking him.]

Charlie: Not so easy when I’m paying attention, is it?

Jake: Not so hard, either.

[Jake runs forward and bounces off Charlie. The ball goes flying, and Jake falls backwards, banging his head on the concrete.]

Jake: Ow, my head.

Charlie: Oh god.


[Charlie kneels by Jake.]

Charlie: You okay?

Jake: No.

Charlie: Alright, alright, don’t panic.

Jake: I’m not panicking.

Charlie: Good. [peers at Jake’s head] You’re gonna be fine. We’ve just got to stop the bleeding.

Jake: [sits up] I’m bleeding?

[He feels the back of his head, then screams when he sees the blood on his hands. Charlie does the same thing, screams when he sees Jake’s head.]

Jake: What?

Charlie: Nothing, nothing. Just a little trickle. [takes off his shirt] Here, take my shirt and hold it up here. [holds it to Jake’s head.]

Jake: Ow.

Charlie: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Okay, let’s get you up, nice and slow. Attaboy. I’ll grab my car keys and we’ll head to the hospital.

Jake: A hospital? I don’t want to go to a hospital.

Charlie: [leading Jake inside] Did I say “hospital”? I meant Disneyland.


[In the car.]

Charlie: How’s it going there pal? You still bleeding?

Jake: I don’t know. [brings the shirt down]

Charlie: No, don’t look. Don’t look. [puts the shirt back to Jake’s head] You just hang in there, we’ll get you fixed up and we’ll be back home before you know it. Just as soon as we find the freaking hospital.

Jake: You don’t know where the hospital is?

Charlie: Of course I know where it is. [looks around, panicked]

Jake: I’m kinda hungry. Can we stop for a chilli cheeseburger?

Charlie: You’re hungry? How could you even think about food?

Jake: What do you think about when you’re hungry?

Charlie: Fair enough. We’ll get you a chilli cheeseburger at the hospital.

Jake: Will they have fries at the hospital?

Charlie: They have everything. Some people go just for the food. Oh man, we’d better call your dad.

[Charlie dials on his car phone. A cell phone rings in the car. Jake picks it up.]

Jake: Hello?

Charlie: Why do you have your father’s phone?

Jake: I don’t know.

Charlie: [puts the phone down] That’s great.

Jake: Bye. [hangs up]

[A siren goes by.]

Charlie: Yes, an ambulance. Fifty-fifty shot he’s going to a hospital. Hang on.

Jake: Woah.

[They do a U-Turn.]


[At the hospital. Charlie pushes open the door for Jake.]

Jake: I can’t believe we beat the ambulance.

Charlie: Yea, well, those things are just ice cream trucks with blood bags.

[They go to the reception desk.]

Charlie: Hi, we need to see a doctor.

Receptionist: Alright, just fill this out and have a seat. [holds out a form]

Charlie: No, no, you don’t understand. [picks up Jake and puts him on the desk] He hit his head. He’s bleeding.

Receptionist: Did he lose consciousness?

Charlie: No. I got a little woozy though.

Receptionist: [to Jake] Follow my finger. [waves it back and forth. Jake follows it] He’s gonna be fine.

Charlie: That’s it? [imitates the finger test] He’s gonna be fine? That’s not a medical test, that’s how you hypnotise a chicken.

Jake: I’d like a chilli cheeseburger and fries, please.

Charlie: You see? He’s hallucinating. Can you please just get him in to a doctor?

Receptionist: Well, you need to fill this out first. [taps the form]

Charlie: Come on, this is gonna take forever. Can’t we do this later? [tries his luck] Over dinner?

Receptionist: Now you’re hallucinating.

Charlie: [takes the forms] Aw, jeez, come on buddy.

[Jake jumps down from the desk and they go to the waiting area.]

Charlie: Alright, let’s see. Last name: Harper. First name: Jake. Ob?

Jake: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: Jacob. I knew that. Middle name?

Jake: You don’t know?

Charlie: Of course I know. I want to see if you know. You fell on your head, dude.

Jake: David.

Charlie: Wow. Jacob David. They went full Old Testament on you, didn’t they? Age: 10. Allergies?

Jake: I don’t know.

Charlie: Is there anything you eat that makes you sick?

Jake: I ate a worm once.

Charlie: No allergies. Have you had any of the following? Measles?

Jake: I don’t know.

Charlie: Mumps.

Jake: I don’t know.

Charlie: Chicken pox?

Jake: Is that the one with the spots?

Charlie: Yea.

Jake: I don’t know.

Charlie: Alright, we’re just gonna vote the straight “no” ticket. Family history? Well, your grandmother’s always been a pain in the ass.

[A nurse enters with a clipboard.]

Nurse: Gonzalez?

Charlie: Right here.

[A big man approaches.]

Man: I’m Gonzalez.

Charlie: No, you’re not. [slips him some money.]

Man: Oh, right, he’s Gonzalez.


[Exam room. Jake is staring at a needle.]

Doctor: Okay, you’re gonna feel a little sting.

Jake: Nobody said I had to get a shot.

Doctor: It’s just to numb your skin so you won’t feel the stitches.

Jake: What are you gonna give me to not feel the shot?

Charlie: It’s alright, pal. I’m right here with you.

Jake: Big deal. I’m still gonna get a shot in my head.

Charlie: Come on, just hold my hand, look me in the eyes. Go ahead Doc.

Jake: Ow, ow, ow.

Charlie: Hey, go easy on the kid.

Jake: No, you’re squishing my hand.

Charlie: Sorry, but you didn’t feel the shot, did you?

Jake: No.

Charlie: You’re welcome.

Doctor: Maybe you’d prefer to wait outside.

Charlie: I’d prefer a morphine drip and sponge bath but the kid needs me.

Jake: How many stitches am I gonna get?

Doctor: I don’t know, three or four.

Jake: That’s all? Scott Pressman got nine when his sister hit him with the Etch-A-Sketch.

Charlie: Help us out here, doc?

Doctor: Okay, I’ll go five, but one is purely decorative.

Charlie: Thank you. Is this gonna leave a scar?

Doctor: I’m afraid so.

Charlie: Oh, no.

Jake: Yes.

Doctor: Okay, let’s get started.

[The cellphone in Jake’s pocket rings. Charlie picks it up.]

Charlie: Oh, good, maybe that’s your father. [on phone] Hello? Oh, hey Judith. [pulls a face] No, it’s me, Charlie. What am I doing with Alan’s phone? Why, do you want custody of that, too? Come on, that’s funny. I don’t know. Maybe Alan and I accidentally switched phones. Why don’t you try calling him on mine? 310-LICKME. Hey, I didn’t pick it, but that’s what it spells. Okay, goodbye. [hangs up]

Jake: Are you doing it? Cos I can’t feel anything.

Doctor: Yea, that’s the idea.

Jake: Can you see my brain?

Doctor: [looks at Charlie, who nods] Sure, sure, it’s a big brain. You must be very smart.

[Charlie’s pocket rings.]

Jake: Phone’s ringing.

Charlie: [ends the call] No, it’s not. The doctor’s just stimulating the phone-ring part of your brain. Right, Doc?

Doctor: Sure, why not?

Jake: Hey, I ordered a chilli cheeseburger out there. Will they know to bring it in?


[Alan is at home, on the phone.]

Alan: Oh, come on Mom, those are two completely different scenarios.

[Charlie and Jake get home. They are both wearing matching hats.]

Alan: Hey. Cool hats. [on phone] So, you’re saying that because I didn’t name you as Jake’s guardian, you’re switching your medical power of attorney from me to Charlie?

Charlie: What’s going on?

Alan: [on phone] Hang on. [to Charlie] Uh, if Mom’s ever in a coma, you’re the one who has to decide whether to pull the plug.

Charlie: [thinks about it briefly] Pull.

Alan: [on phone] Right Mom, Charlie’s onboard. Right, yea, gotta go. [hangs up] Hey, where have you guys been?

Charlie: Oh, you know, we went and got a couple of hamburgers, bought some hats. Ate the hamburgers, wearing the hats.

Alan: Okay.

Jake: [whispers loudly] You were right, he bought it.

Alan: Bought what?

Charlie: Oh dude, you can forget about a life of crime.

[Charlie turns Jake round and lifts up the hat to reveal the stitches.]

Alan: Oh my God, what happened?

Charlie: We were playing basketball and it got a little rough.

Jake: He fouled me.

Charlie: You charged.

Jake: Did not.

Charlie: Did too.

Alan: Hold on, hold on. So you took him to the emergency room?

Charlie: Yes.

Jake: [turns round] Where the cheeseburgers sucked, by the way.

Alan: But he’s okay? There’s no concussion or anything?

Charlie: No.

Jake: We saw my brain.

Charlie: No we didn’t. We didn’t see any brains.

Alan: Hey, why didn’t you call me?

[Jake pulls the cell phone out of his pocket.]

Alan: There it is. Why do you have my cell phone?

Jake: I don’t know.

Alan: Alright. You’re sure you’re okay?

Jake: Mm-hmm. Can I go watch TV?

Alan: Sure.

[Jake runs to the kitchen.]

Charlie: I am really sorry, Alan.

Alan: Don’t worry about it, he’s fine.

Charlie: Yea, but I’m not. You were right. I obviously can’t be trusted to take care of Jake. Believe me, the second you’re in the ground, I’m sticking that kid on a plane to Rhode Island.

Alan: Charlie, let me tell you something. You can’t keep Jake from ever getting hurt. I mean, he’s a boy. That’s… getting hurt is like his job. Last summer, he actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub. All I care about is that he has somebody who loves him and who’ll step up when it really counts. And that’s what you did today.

Charlie: Yea, I guess I did, didn’t I?

Alan: Yea, and if, God forbid, something should ever happen to Judith and me, I would be very comfortable knowing that you were looking after my son. Dead, but comfortable.

Charlie: Does this mean you’re putting me in the will?

Alan: Yea.

Charlie: Wow. Thanks, man. [hugs Alan] That means a lot. Just do me a favour, alright?

Alan: What’s that?

Charlie: Don’t die.


[Judith is taking Jake home. They are in the car.]

Judith: That’s a very cute hat.

Jake: Thank you. It makes my hair sweat. [he takes it off.]

Judith: Oh my God. What happened to your head?

Jake: Oh, I got five stitches. There was blood everywhere.

Judith: Why didn’t anyone tell me?

Jake: I just did. Can we stop for pizza?

Judith: I can’t believe this. I’m going to have a little talk with your father.

[She picks up her car phone and dials. It rings in Jake’s pocket. He grabs it.]

Jake: Hello?



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