Épisode Un cheeseburger, s'il-vous-plaît S01E17

[Charlie opens the front door to Jake.]

Charlie: Hey, there he is. High five. [They smack hands]

Jake: Down low. [Charlie goes to smack hands and Jake pulls his hand away.] Too slow.

Charlie: [picks Jake up] Come here clown. [turns him upside down] Upside down.

[Judith appears in the doorway and coughs.]

Judith: Hello Charlie.

Charlie: Judith, how’s it going?

Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, show Mom how I mop the floor with my hair.

Charlie: Well, it’s not really mopping, it’s more like dusting. [puts Jake down.]

Judith: What if you drop him on his head?

Charlie: Then I guess I will have to mop.

Judith: Wonderful. Where’s Alan?

Charlie: He’s in the kitchen. [adopts a funny posture like an old butler] Walk this way.

[Jake laughs. Judith follows Charlie into the kitchen where Alan is sat at the table.]

Charlie: Master. Your sexually ambivalent ex-wife is here.

Judith: I’m not ambivalent. I’m exploring.

Charlie: Yes, mistress.

Alan: Thanks for bringing Jake over.

Judith: Well, I wanted to give you this anyway.

Alan: What is it?

Judith: It’s the bill from my divorce lawyer. You haven’t been paying them.

Charlie: Told you they’d notice.

Judith: I also need you to look this over and sign it.

Alan: And what is this?

Judith: My lawyer recommended I take out a bigger life insurance policy on you. You know, in case you should die and can’t pay the alimony and legal fees.

Charlie: Why don’t you keep him frozen? Then you can use him to keep your drinks cold too.

Alan: And who’s supposed to pay for this policy?

Judith: You are. And please, try to be on time with the premiums.

Charlie: Boy, my shallow, empty lifestyle is looking pretty good right about now.

Alan: Okay, as long as we’re on the subject of lawyers and death, my lawyer recommended that I redraft my will, and you know what? If I die after you die, guess who gets custody of Jake? Charlie.

Judith: Charlie?

Charlie: Me?

Judith: What about my sister?

Alan: I never liked your sister.

Charlie: Is this the sister I slept with?

Alan/Judith: [together] Shut up Charlie.

Judith: Alan, you can’t be serious. He’s immature, he drinks too much, he sleeps around, he’s completely irresponsible.

Alan: Yea, well, you should have thought of that before you threw me out.

Charlie: Yea.

Judith: Alright Alan, you’re obviously angry and trying to get even with me but I am not gonna take the bait. I will see you on Sunday.

Charlie: Bye-bye.

[Judith glares at him, then exits.]

Charlie: Hey, man, thanks.

Alan: For what?

Charlie: For trusting me, you know, to take care of Jake, when you croak.

Alan: Oh, I’m sorry. You didn’t think I was serious did you? I just said that to piss her off.

Charlie: Right, good one. [Realises] Hey.

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[Alan enters the living room, with Charlie following him.]

Charlie: That’s not fair. Why don’t I get to keep the kid when you’re dead?

Alan: If I’m dead. And Judith would have to die before me for it to even be an issue. It’s a contingency plan for a hypothetical worst-case scenario.

Charlie: I know it’s a long shot, but I had the Marlins in the World Series, don’t tell me they don’t come in.

Alan: It never occurred to me that you’d want to be a full-time parent.

Charlie: This isn’t about what I want. This is about what you want and you don’t want me to have Jake.

Jake: [enters from his room] What?

Alan/Charlie: Nothing.

Jake: [goes through to the kitchen] Why did you say my name?

Charlie: Get over yourself, no one said your name. [to Alan] So, what’s wrong with me?

Alan: Charlie, you’re a great uncle. You’re there for all the fun stuff. But I just, I don’t think you’re up to the hard work of being a full time parent to Jake.

Jake: [enters from the kitchen, eating a lollipop] What?

Alan/Charlie: Nothing.

[Jake stops, looks at the pair of them, then walks back to his room, shaking his head.]

Charlie: So, if not me, then who are you giving him to?

Alan: I’m not giving him to anybody. He’s not a five pound ham.

Charlie: You know what I mean. Who gets him in that scenario thing?

Alan: Cousin Jerry, and his wife Faye.

Charlie: Jerry and Faye? Why Jerry and Faye?

Alan: Well, they’ve got a good marriage, three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard and they live in a great school district.

Charlie: Yea, but I’m your brother!

Alan: Charlie, it’s not…

Charlie: And I live right here. You wouldn’t have to ship him off to Corn Hole, Kansas.

Alan: Coventry, Rhode Island.

Charlie: Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas?

Alan: I don’t know. Dorothy and Toto?

Charlie: Alright, Alan, let me ask you something. If I’m here and Jake’s in Rhode Island, who’s gonna teach him all the things he needs to know?

Alan: Jerry and Faye are both college professors.

Charlie: I’m talking about the important stuff. About life. Face it, when the time comes, are those two egg heads gonna step up and get your kid laid?

Alan: You’re not helping your case, Charlie.

Charlie: Fine. You’ve made your decision. Despite all I’ve been through with your son, my nephew, obviously I have no say in the matter. [starts to walk off]

Alan: Where are you going?

Charlie: Alan, quite frankly, I’m a little hurt and a little disappointed, so I’m gonna go make myself a big glass of vodka and sit and think about things.

Alan: Charlie, Charlie, wait. Okay, how about this? If Judith dies, and I die, and then Jerry and Faye die, Jake will come live with you.

Charlie: Yea, like I’m gonna outlive Jerry and Faye, the way I drink.

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[The kitchen. Evelyn is sitting on the sofa sipping a cup of tea. Jake is next to her in his pyjamas, opening a present. Alan is stood by them.]

Alan: What do you say to Grandma?

Jake: Can I at least open it first?

Alan: Jake.

Evelyn: No, he’s right. Wait and see if he likes it.

[Jake unwraps the present. It is a framed picture of Evelyn.]

Evelyn: Now you can thank me.

Jake: [unimpressed] Thank you.

Evelyn: Oh, I’m kidding. No little boy wants a framed picture of his grandmommy. [holds the picture out to Alan] This is for your Daddy.

Jake: What do you say, Dad?

Alan: Don’t push me, Jake.

Evelyn: That’s my new photo for the Sunday real estate section. I thought you might like a colour print of it for your office.

Alan: Gee, Mom, we’ve already got the one of you swimming with dolphins.

Jake: So you didn’t bring me anything?

Evelyn: Oh, is that all Grandmommy is good for? To bring you gifts? Of course I brought you something. There. [hands him a colouring book and some crayons.]

Jake: Crayons? I’m 10.

Evelyn: Well, it’s not just crayons, sweetheart. It’s also a dinosaur colouring book.

Jake: But I’m 10.

Alan: You want to trade?

Jake: No, I’m good.

[Jake exits to his room.]

Evelyn: So, where’s your brother?

Alan: Why? What’d he get?

Evelyn: Nothing. I just want to make sure he knows why.

Alan: He’s in his room. He’s been sulking all weekend.

Evelyn: Sulking? About what?

Alan: Well, it’s the silliest thing. I just happened to mention that in the unlikely event that Judith should die, and I should die that custody of Jake would go to… [trails off]

Evelyn: Custody of Jake would go to who?

Alan: Uh, actually it would be “whom”.

Evelyn: Alan, who gets Jake?
Alan: Now, see, that’s grammatically correct.

Evelyn: Alan.

Alan: Jerry and Faye.

Evelyn: Jerry and Faye who?

Alan: Your sister’s son and his wife?

Evelyn: Them? You would bypass your own mother in favour of two potato farmers on Long Island?

Alan: They’re agriculture professors in Rhode Island.

Evelyn: Really? Who am I thinking of who lives on Long Island?

Alan: I have no idea.

Evelyn: Well, regardless, I am deeply insulted.

Alan: Come on, Mom. This is only if Judith and I both die and we’re not dying. At least not before you.

Evelyn: Oh, now you’re wishing me dead.

Alan: No, no, Mom…it’s, no…

Evelyn: Give me back my picture.

[She snatches it and storms out. Then she comes back in and places it in front of him.]

Evelyn: No, better you should look at it and feel shame.

[Storms out. Alan looks at the picture.]

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[Charlie is outside, bouncing a basketball. There is a hoop on the side of the house. Jake enters.]

Jake: Hey, want to play one on one?

Charlie: Sure. Check it out.

[Charlie throws the ball to Jake who bounces it forward and gets an easy basket.]

Jake: One, nothing.

Charlie: You know that Rhode Island isn’t really an island? That’s just a flat-out lie.

[Charlie throws the ball to Jake who bounces it forward, does a fake out and gets another basket.]

Jake: Two, nothing.

[Alan enters.]

Alan: Hey, I’ve got to run some errands so I’ll be back in about an hour. You guys gonna be okay?

Charlie: Gee, Alan, you sure I can handle the responsibility? What if he wants to go to college or something?

Alan: Charlie, please don’t start. I’ll see you later.

[Alan exits, Jake leaps forward and knocks the ball from Charlie’s hand.]

Charlie: Hey.

[Jake throws another easy basket.]

Jake: Three, nothing.

Charlie: That was a time out.

Jake: You didn’t call it.

Charlie: Fine. Three, nothing.

Jake: You want a do over?

Charlie: No, I don’t want a do over. Just bring it on.

[Jake bounces forward, and then back again. Charlie is blocking him.]

Charlie: Not so easy when I’m paying attention, is it?

Jake: Not so hard, either.

[Jake runs forward and bounces off Charlie. The ball goes flying, and Jake falls backwards, banging his head on the concrete.]

Jake: Ow, my head.

Charlie: Oh god.

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[Charlie kneels by Jake.]

Charlie: You okay?

Jake: No.

Charlie: Alright, alright, don’t panic.

Jake: I’m not panicking.

Charlie: Good. [peers at Jake’s head] You’re gonna be fine. We’ve just got to stop the bleeding.

Jake: [sits up] I’m bleeding?

[He feels the back of his head, then screams when he sees the blood on his hands. Charlie does the same thing, screams when he sees Jake’s head.]

Jake: What?

Charlie: Nothing, nothing. Just a little trickle. [takes off his shirt] Here, take my shirt and hold it up here. [holds it to Jake’s head.]

Jake: Ow.

Charlie: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Okay, let’s get you up, nice and slow. Attaboy. I’ll grab my car keys and we’ll head to the hospital.

Jake: A hospital? I don’t want to go to a hospital.

Charlie: [leading Jake inside] Did I say “hospital”? I meant Disneyland.

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[In the car.]

Charlie: How’s it going there pal? You still bleeding?

Jake: I don’t know. [brings the shirt down]

Charlie: No, don’t look. Don’t look. [puts the shirt back to Jake’s head] You just hang in there, we’ll get you fixed up and we’ll be back home before you know it. Just as soon as we find the freaking hospital.

Jake: You don’t know where the hospital is?

Charlie: Of course I know where it is. [looks around, panicked]

Jake: I’m kinda hungry. Can we stop for a chilli cheeseburger?

Charlie: You’re hungry? How could you even think about food?

Jake: What do you think about when you’re hungry?

Charlie: Fair enough. We’ll get you a chilli cheeseburger at the hospital.

Jake: Will they have fries at the hospital?

Charlie: They have everything. Some people go just for the food. Oh man, we’d better call your dad.

[Charlie dials on his car phone. A cell phone rings in the car. Jake picks it up.]

Jake: Hello?

Charlie: Why do you have your father’s phone?

Jake: I don’t know.

Charlie: [puts the phone down] That’s great.

Jake: Bye. [hangs up]

[A siren goes by.]

Charlie: Yes, an ambulance. Fifty-fifty shot he’s going to a hospital. Hang on.

Jake: Woah.

[They do a U-Turn.]

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[At the hospital. Charlie pushes open the door for Jake.]

Jake: I can’t believe we beat the ambulance.

Charlie: Yea, well, those things are just ice cream trucks with blood bags.

[They go to the reception desk.]

Charlie: Hi, we need to see a doctor.

Receptionist: Alright, just fill this out and have a seat. [holds out a form]

Charlie: No, no, you don’t understand. [picks up Jake and puts him on the desk] He hit his head. He’s bleeding.

Receptionist: Did he lose consciousness?

Charlie: No. I got a little woozy though.

Receptionist: [to Jake] Follow my finger. [waves it back and forth. Jake follows it] He’s gonna be fine.

Charlie: That’s it? [imitates the finger test] He’s gonna be fine? That’s not a medical test, that’s how you hypnotise a chicken.

Jake: I’d like a chilli cheeseburger and fries, please.

Charlie: You see? He’s hallucinating. Can you please just get him in to a doctor?

Receptionist: Well, you need to fill this out first. [taps the form]

Charlie: Come on, this is gonna take forever. Can’t we do this later? [tries his luck] Over dinner?

Receptionist: Now you’re hallucinating.

Charlie: [takes the forms] Aw, jeez, come on buddy.

[Jake jumps down from the desk and they go to the waiting area.]

Charlie: Alright, let’s see. Last name: Harper. First name: Jake. Ob?

Jake: Mm-hmm.

Charlie: Jacob. I knew that. Middle name?

Jake: You don’t know?

Charlie: Of course I know. I want to see if you know. You fell on your head, dude.

Jake: David.

Charlie: Wow. Jacob David. They went full Old Testament on you, didn’t they? Age: 10. Allergies?

Jake: I don’t know.

Charlie: Is there anything you eat that makes you sick?

Jake: I ate a worm once.

Charlie: No allergies. Have you had any of the following? Measles?

Jake: I don’t know.

Charlie: Mumps.

Jake: I don’t know.

Charlie: Chicken pox?

Jake: Is that the one with the spots?

Charlie: Yea.

Jake: I don’t know.

Charlie: Alright, we’re just gonna vote the straight “no” ticket. Family history? Well, your grandmother’s always been a pain in the ass.

[A nurse enters with a clipboard.]

Nurse: Gonzalez?

Charlie: Right here.

[A big man approaches.]

Man: I’m Gonzalez.

Charlie: No, you’re not. [slips him some money.]

Man: Oh, right, he’s Gonzalez.

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[Exam room. Jake is staring at a needle.]

Doctor: Okay, you’re gonna feel a little sting.

Jake: Nobody said I had to get a shot.

Doctor: It’s just to numb your skin so you won’t feel the stitches.

Jake: What are you gonna give me to not feel the shot?

Charlie: It’s alright, pal. I’m right here with you.

Jake: Big deal. I’m still gonna get a shot in my head.

Charlie: Come on, just hold my hand, look me in the eyes. Go ahead Doc.

Jake: Ow, ow, ow.

Charlie: Hey, go easy on the kid.

Jake: No, you’re squishing my hand.

Charlie: Sorry, but you didn’t feel the shot, did you?

Jake: No.

Charlie: You’re welcome.

Doctor: Maybe you’d prefer to wait outside.

Charlie: I’d prefer a morphine drip and sponge bath but the kid needs me.

Jake: How many stitches am I gonna get?

Doctor: I don’t know, three or four.

Jake: That’s all? Scott Pressman got nine when his sister hit him with the Etch-A-Sketch.

Charlie: Help us out here, doc?

Doctor: Okay, I’ll go five, but one is purely decorative.

Charlie: Thank you. Is this gonna leave a scar?

Doctor: I’m afraid so.

Charlie: Oh, no.

Jake: Yes.

Doctor: Okay, let’s get started.

[The cellphone in Jake’s pocket rings. Charlie picks it up.]

Charlie: Oh, good, maybe that’s your father. [on phone] Hello? Oh, hey Judith. [pulls a face] No, it’s me, Charlie. What am I doing with Alan’s phone? Why, do you want custody of that, too? Come on, that’s funny. I don’t know. Maybe Alan and I accidentally switched phones. Why don’t you try calling him on mine? 310-LICKME. Hey, I didn’t pick it, but that’s what it spells. Okay, goodbye. [hangs up]

Jake: Are you doing it? Cos I can’t feel anything.

Doctor: Yea, that’s the idea.

Jake: Can you see my brain?

Doctor: [looks at Charlie, who nods] Sure, sure, it’s a big brain. You must be very smart.

[Charlie’s pocket rings.]

Jake: Phone’s ringing.

Charlie: [ends the call] No, it’s not. The doctor’s just stimulating the phone-ring part of your brain. Right, Doc?

Doctor: Sure, why not?

Jake: Hey, I ordered a chilli cheeseburger out there. Will they know to bring it in?

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[Alan is at home, on the phone.]

Alan: Oh, come on Mom, those are two completely different scenarios.

[Charlie and Jake get home. They are both wearing matching hats.]

Alan: Hey. Cool hats. [on phone] So, you’re saying that because I didn’t name you as Jake’s guardian, you’re switching your medical power of attorney from me to Charlie?

Charlie: What’s going on?

Alan: [on phone] Hang on. [to Charlie] Uh, if Mom’s ever in a coma, you’re the one who has to decide whether to pull the plug.

Charlie: [thinks about it briefly] Pull.

Alan: [on phone] Right Mom, Charlie’s onboard. Right, yea, gotta go. [hangs up] Hey, where have you guys been?

Charlie: Oh, you know, we went and got a couple of hamburgers, bought some hats. Ate the hamburgers, wearing the hats.

Alan: Okay.

Jake: [whispers loudly] You were right, he bought it.

Alan: Bought what?

Charlie: Oh dude, you can forget about a life of crime.

[Charlie turns Jake round and lifts up the hat to reveal the stitches.]

Alan: Oh my God, what happened?

Charlie: We were playing basketball and it got a little rough.

Jake: He fouled me.

Charlie: You charged.

Jake: Did not.

Charlie: Did too.

Alan: Hold on, hold on. So you took him to the emergency room?

Charlie: Yes.

Jake: [turns round] Where the cheeseburgers sucked, by the way.

Alan: But he’s okay? There’s no concussion or anything?

Charlie: No.

Jake: We saw my brain.

Charlie: No we didn’t. We didn’t see any brains.

Alan: Hey, why didn’t you call me?

[Jake pulls the cell phone out of his pocket.]

Alan: There it is. Why do you have my cell phone?

Jake: I don’t know.

Alan: Alright. You’re sure you’re okay?

Jake: Mm-hmm. Can I go watch TV?

Alan: Sure.

[Jake runs to the kitchen.]

Charlie: I am really sorry, Alan.

Alan: Don’t worry about it, he’s fine.

Charlie: Yea, but I’m not. You were right. I obviously can’t be trusted to take care of Jake. Believe me, the second you’re in the ground, I’m sticking that kid on a plane to Rhode Island.

Alan: Charlie, let me tell you something. You can’t keep Jake from ever getting hurt. I mean, he’s a boy. That’s… getting hurt is like his job. Last summer, he actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub. All I care about is that he has somebody who loves him and who’ll step up when it really counts. And that’s what you did today.

Charlie: Yea, I guess I did, didn’t I?

Alan: Yea, and if, God forbid, something should ever happen to Judith and me, I would be very comfortable knowing that you were looking after my son. Dead, but comfortable.

Charlie: Does this mean you’re putting me in the will?

Alan: Yea.

Charlie: Wow. Thanks, man. [hugs Alan] That means a lot. Just do me a favour, alright?

Alan: What’s that?

Charlie: Don’t die.

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[Judith is taking Jake home. They are in the car.]

Judith: That’s a very cute hat.

Jake: Thank you. It makes my hair sweat. [he takes it off.]

Judith: Oh my God. What happened to your head?

Jake: Oh, I got five stitches. There was blood everywhere.

Judith: Why didn’t anyone tell me?