Épisode Copain-copine S01E18 - Two And A Half Men Saison 1

Guest star : Chris O'Donnell dans le rôle de Bill.

[Jake and Alan are sitting at the table, eating their breakfast. Berta is looking in the fridge.]

Jake: But I don’t wanna go to summer camp.

Alan: Are you kidding? You’ll have a great time, look at this one. It’s a computer camp, with a theatre program. Ethernet by day, ‘No, No, Nanette’ by night.

Jake: I don’t wanna go to camp.

Berta: If the kid doesn’t want to go, don’t make him go.

Jake: Yea.

Berta: He’s 10, he’s old enough to work.

Jake: What?

Berta: When I was your age, I spent my summer hosing tarantulas off bananas in the back of my stepfather’s truck.

[Charlie enters.]

Charlie: Hey, what’s going on?

Jake: I’m going to camp.

[Jake exits.]

Charlie: Okay. Morning all, beautiful day.

Alan: You’re in a good mood.
Charlie: Well, I suppose I am. I got a little email this morning from an ex-girlfriend who says she needs to [does hand quotes] “see” me.

Berta: No kidding. I wonder if she’s [does hand quotes] “knocked up”.

Charlie: Nobody’s knocked up. I haven’t heard from her in five years.

Berta: So, she’s bringing you a 4 year old.

Charlie: Believe me, nobody’s bringing anything. Remember Jill?

Berta: Jill the slob?

Charlie: Yea, but do you remember how hot she was?

Berta: Yea, well, sure, she was a tight unit, but she left dirty dishes everywhere. Swear to God, this broad left half eaten casseroles in the bathtub.

Charlie: So? With a body like that she could drink out of the toilet if she wanted to.

Berta: Wait a minute, isn’t she the one who dumped you?

Alan: Somebody dumped Charlie?

Berta: Broke his little black heart, it was pathetic.

Charlie: She didn’t dump me. She had personal problems and moved to Europe to, you know, find herself.

Alan: Berta?

Berta: He wept.

Charlie: I did not. I felt the appropriate amount of sadness for a good relationship that had run its course.

Berta: I had to carry him to bed three nights in a row.

Charlie: I was perfectly happy sleeping under the deck.

[Charlie exits and Berta shouts after him.]

Berta: You bring her home, you clean up after her. [To Alan] Thank God you never get any.

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[Charlie is sitting at a bar, drinking a beer. A man enters and spots Charlie. He takes a deep breath, checks his hair in a nearby mirror and approaches the bar. He sits next to Charlie.]

Man: Hey.

Charlie: Hey.

[The waitress behind the bar comes over.]

Waitress: What can I get for you?

Man: Uh, white wine, please. Maybe a Chablis. [Charlie looks at him.] You know, make it a beer. Light beer. Just a beer.

Waitress: [to Charlie] Another one?

Charlie: Might as well. Looks like I’m getting stood up. [to the man] Chicks, huh?

Man: Maybe she’s got a good reason.

Charlie: I tell you what, if it were any other woman, I’d have been out of here an hour ago.

Man: Really?

Charlie: Oh yea. This girl? This girl’s something different.

Man: How so?

Charlie: Well, did you ever go out with somebody who’s not only great in bed, but also like a really cool friend.

Man: Yea, once.

Charlie: In fact, now that I think about it, the friendship was the best part of our relationship.

Man: No kidding?

Charlie: Yea. The sex was a little weird. We would like, wrestle to get on top. She would actually get angry if she wasn’t up there.

Man: Maybe she had a good reason.

Charlie: Maybe.

Man: Charlie, look at me.

Charlie: [looks] Hey, how do you know my name?

Man: It’s me.

Charlie: Me who? [looks and realises] No.

Man: Yes.

Charlie: Jill?

Man: [correcting him] Bill.

Charlie: No.

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[With Charlie and Bill at the bar.]

Charlie: [to the waitress] We’re gonna need two shots of tequila.

Bill: That’s okay, I don’t want to…

Charlie: They’re not for you.

Waitress: Well, this girl you’re waiting for really must be something.

Charlie: Just serve the hooch and mind your own business.

Bill: Listen, Charlie, I know…

Charlie: Hang on. [downs both the shots one after the other.] Okay, go.

Bill: I know this comes as a shock to you.

Charlie: Please. If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me and disappeared for five years and came back as a guy, I’d have a nickel! [to the waitress] Keep them coming.

Bill: I think I owe you an explanation.

Charlie: Who pays the nickel, by the way? Is it you, or just out of some general fund?

Bill: [puts a hand on Charlie’s, on the bar] Charlie.

Charlie: [looks at the hand and pulls his own away] Yea?

Bill: Remember when we broke up and I said “It’s not you, it’s me”?

Charlie: [downs a shot] Yes. And I believe you now. [and another one]

Bill: I was so mixed up and unhappy as a woman.

Charlie: So? I know lots of mixed up, unhappy women. They go shopping and eat ice cream, did you even try that?

Bill: I tried everything, Charlie, but the truth is I was always a man trapped in a woman’s body.

Charlie: No, no, no, no, I’m not buying this. If you were really a man back then, you would have jumped at that three-way with the cocktail waitress in Carmel. I begged you.

Bill: You haven’t changed.

Charlie: I wish I could say the same.

Bill: Charlie, how could I have explained it to you back then? I couldn’t even explain it to myself.

Charlie: Okay, well, now you’ve explained. Thank you. Nice to see you again. [shakes Bill’s hand] Good luck with the penis. [gets up to go]

Bill: [stops him] Charlie, wait. A few minutes ago you said I was a really cool friend.

Charlie: Uh, yea.

Bill: Well, I’m back in LA and I’m kinda starting a new life.

Charlie: Uh-huh.

Bill: And I could really use a friend.

Charlie: Oh boy.

Bill: It’s just, you know, I’m completely alone and I’m… I’m really scared.

Charlie: Jeez. [puts a hand on his shoulder] It’s gonna be okay, Jill.

Bill: Bill.

Charlie: Yea, Bill, whatever. It’s okay. I’m still your friend.

Bill: Charlie, you’re the best. [hugs him] I wish I could have loved you the way you deserve to be loved.

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[Charlie stumbles in the front door. Bill is following him.]

Charlie: Thanks for the ride, Bill, you’re a good friend.

Bill: Hey, you called me Bill.

Charlie: Well, that’s your name, lady.

Bill: Just like old times, huh? [leads Charlie to the stairs] Drag your drunk ass home, take you upstairs, get you undressed and…

[They look at each other, and walk back down the stairs, awkward. Alan enters from the bedrooms.]

Charlie: Oh, Alan. [to Bill] You never met my brother Alan, did you?

Bill: No, I never met anyone in your family, Charlie.

Charlie: Yea, well, different rules now. Bill, this is my brother Alan. Alan, this is my old friend, Bill.

Alan: Nice to meet you Bill. [they shake hands]

Bill: Same here.

Alan: [to Charlie] I thought you were gonna hook up with that girlfriend who wanted to “see” you.

[Bill takes off his jacket and throws it on the floor.]

Charlie: Oh, right, I… uh… turns out she changed her mind. Anyway, I ran into my old friend, Bill, here.

[Bill punches Charlie’s arm – as he thinks buddies should.]

Alan: So, stood up by Jill, ran into Bill. That’s funny.

Charlie: You have a sick sense of humour, Alan.

[Berta enters from the kitchen.]

Berta: The house is clean, I’m going home now. [spots Bill’s jacket on the floor.] I’ll pick that up on Monday.

Bill: I’m sorry, that’s mine. [picks it up]

[Berta stares at him.]

Bill: Hi.

Berta: Hi. [continues to stare, then snaps out of it] Okay, I’m out of here. [takes one last look at Bill, frowns and exits.]

Alan: So Bill, you from around here?

Bill: I was, but I moved away for a couple of years. Now I’m planning on moving back and buying a place.

[Evelyn enters from the kitchen.]

Evelyn: Hello. Evelyn Harper. Evelyn Harper Real Estate. [hands him a card]

Alan: Oh, yea, Mom’s here.

Charlie: No problem, I’m drunk.

Bill: I’m Bill Shraeder, I’m a friend of Charlie’s.

Evelyn: No need to apologise. So, are you interested in renting or buying?

Bill: Buying.

Evelyn: Excellent. Price range?

Bill: I’m flexible.

Evelyn: I’ll bet you are. But I was talking money.

Bill: So was I.

Evelyn: Oooh, sexy and liquid. I like that in a man.

[She takes his arm and they go into the kitchen.]

Alan: Nice guy. Poker buddy?

Charlie: Used to. And don’t call me “buddy”.

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[Evelyn and Bill enter the front door, laughing.]

Bill: There it is. [He grabs his jacket and puts it on.] Thank you so much for showing me the condos, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Thank you for dinner, Bill.

Bill: Thank you for dessert.

[They kiss.]

Evelyn: Shall we go to my place for coffee and cigars?

Bill: I don’t smoke.

Evelyn: You will when I’m done with you.

[They exit, and Charlie and Alan emerge from the kitchen.]

Alan: Oh, my god. He’s like, half her age.

Charlie: Yea. That’s the problem.

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[Alan is pacing around in the living room.]

Alan: I am trying, Charlie, I am trying to be open-minded. But our mom, with a guy who’s younger than us, it’s just freaking me out.

Charlie: Trust me, Alan, very soon you’re gonna be looking back on this moment with fond nostalgia. [hands him a photo in a frame.]

Alan: What do you mean?

Charlie: Look.

Alan: Who’s this?

Charlie: This is Jill.

Alan: Oh, the woman who dumped you?

Charlie: Get over that, nobody dumped me.

Alan: Alright, I’m sorry. Why are we looking at Jill?

Charlie: Just look at it.

Alan: Okay. [looks.] She’s cute. [looks] Very tall. Broad shoulders. Holy Mother of God!!

Charlie: Welcome to the Matrix!

Alan: So, so, so, Jill is, is…

Charlie: Yep.

Alan: And you and Jill used to…

Charlie: Every chance we got.

Alan: And mom is…

Charlie: At this very moment.

Alan: Holy Mother of God!

[Jake enters from his room.]

Jake: What are you guys yelling about?

Charlie/Alan: Go to bed. Go to bed. Go to bed.

[Jake shrugs and goes back to his room.]

Alan: Do you realise what this means?

Charlie: Yes. I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman’s body. Or, and this is my new favourite, and the title of my autobiography, my mom and I slept with the same dude.

Alan: Excuse me, could we just table that for now, and discuss how this impacts on our mother?

Charlie: Why? The damage has been done. All that’s left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.

Alan: Charlie, stay with me.

Charlie: Do you think I’m gay?

Alan: For God’s sake, Charlie, this is not about you.

Charlie: I like musical theatre. Maybe all these years, I’ve been pathologically chasing women because I’ve been overcompensating.

Alan: You know, I’ve often thought that. [Charlie looks at him] What? I’m agreeing with you. What do you want to hear?

Charlie: I want you to tell me that there is no chance that either of us will have to call a woman I slept with “Daddy.”

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[Berta crosses the living room with a basket of laundry. She picks up the photo frame.]

Berta: Jill, the slob.

[She puts the photo frame down and goes into the kitchen. Seconds later, she hurries back our again, grabs the photo frame and looks.]

Berta: Gadzooks.

[Alan enters, looking very sleepy.]

Alan: Morning.

Berta: [smiling] Morning.

[He goes to the kitchen. Charlie enters, looking very sleepy.]

Charlie: Morning.

Berta: [smiling] Morning.

[He goes to the kitchen, and Berta follows.]

Berta: So, how was your weekend?

Alan: Fine.

Charlie: Okay.

Berta: Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?

Charlie: Like what?

Berta: Oh, I don’t know. Go to a fun party? See a great movie? Run into an old flame with a new wick? What are the odds, huh? One brother turns them gay, the other turns them guy!

Charlie: If you don’t mind, Berta, I’d rather not talk about it.

Berta: Okay, I’ll fix you something to eat. How about a sausage link and a couple of eggs?

Evelyn: [calls from the other room] Hello? Anybody home?

Alan/Charlie: Oh no.

Evelyn: [enters] Charlie, I need to talk to you about your friend Bill.

Charlie: Oh boy.

Berta: [with glee] Oh boy.

Evelyn: You know, I’d really rather not discuss this in front of the help.

Charlie: Berta, could you give us some privacy?

Berta: Hell no.

Charlie: [to Evelyn] Sorry.

Evelyn: Okay. Um, Bill and I shared something very special this weekend. [Alan grimaces] I realise that might be awkward for you so I thought I’d come by to discuss it.

Charlie: Well, that’s nice, Mom. Isn’t that nice, Alan?

Alan: Uh, you’re the expert, Charlie. Is it too early to start drinking?

Evelyn: What’s that supposed to mean?

Charlie: Mom, how much do you know about Bill?

Evelyn: Charlie, I have no doubt that you two shared some sordid adventures together, but that’s the past. [Alan looks like he’s going to explode] The only thing that matters to me now is that Bill is a handsome, sensitive, wonderful man. [Berta laughs] Excuse me?

Berta: Nothing, I’m just happy to be here.

Charlie: Frankly, Mom, I’m a little uncomfortable with this.

Alan: A little? I think I’m having a stroke.

Evelyn: I knew it. You hypocrites. It’s perfectly alright for you to date younger women, but when a mature woman gets involved with a younger man, somehow it’s scandalous and immoral.

Charlie: No, no, Mom, it’s not the age.

Evelyn: Well, what then? Because he’s your friend? I didn’t object when you dated that friend of mine.

Alan: You what?

Charlie: One time. I was 19 and she was a very doable 42. And if you heard how she talked about you, you wouldn’t call her a friend.

Evelyn: I’ve heard enough. I’m going to continue to see Bill and if you don’t like it, that’s just too bad. [She gets up to leave.]

Alan: Wait, wait, Mom, I thought you came here so that we could discuss it.

Evelyn: Please. I came here to brag, I just needed an opening line.

Charlie: Wow. She doesn’t know.

Alan: Someone’s going to have to tell her.

Berta: Charlie?

Charlie: What?

Berta: I will clean your house free for a month if you let me do it.

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[Charlie and Bill are at a bar. They are sitting at a table. Charlie drinks his beer.]

Bill: Oh, come on. It is a little funny. I mean, when we were dating, you never wanted me to meet your mom. [Charlie stares] Alright. Maybe not so much funny, as ironic?

Charlie: Look, Jill, Bill.

Bill: You’re angry with me.

Charlie: Not angry. Not thrilled.

Bill: Charlie, I never planned for this to happen. I mean, your mom and I just hit it off. She’s beautiful, intelligent, self-assured and she’s just exploding with this raw sexuality.

Charlie: No, no, listen, fella. I don’t know what they told you in orientation but Rule Number 1: when a guy talks like that about another guy’s mom, he’s likely to get his ass kicked.

Bill: Come on, Charlie, please. Don’t get all macho on me. You couldn’t take me when I was a girl.

Charlie: Don’t change the subject. We’re talking about you and my mother. Why haven’t you told her?

Bill: Told her what?

Charlie: That you’re lactose intolerant. What do you think?

Bill: Stop yelling at me.

Charlie: I’m not yelling at you.

Bill: Yes you are.

Charlie: Okay, I’m sorry. Look, you need to understand that no matter how much I hate my mother, I love my mother and I don’t want to see her get hurt. So, you got to tell her before she finds out the hard way. Or whatever way she finds out.

Bill: But what if she rejects me?

Charlie: Well, welcome to the rodeo, Calamity Jane. You want to be a real man? Grab hold of those store-bought balls and just tell the truth.

Bill: Yea, you’re right. [they drink their beers] We still friends?

Charlie: Yea. Sure. [they clink bottles.]

Bill: I’m glad. They’re made out of Teflon, you know.

Charlie: Okay. Rule Number 2…

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[Evelyn and Bill are out on Charlie’s deck, talking. Charlie and Alan watch from inside. Berta enters.]

Berta: What’d I miss?

Charlie: Nothing. I don’t think he’s told her yet.

Alan: What are you doing here? You finished cleaning hours ago.

Berta: I took a nap in the laundry room so I’d be fresh for the big show.

Charlie: Okay, I think he’s going for it.

[Evelyn listens, then looks up. Alan looks worried. Evelyn says “What?”. Berta smiles. Then Evelyn begins talking, but she looks more understanding than angry. They kiss. Charlie looks confused.]

Alan: Wow. That went surprisingly well?

Berta: Damn.

Charlie: Wait a minute, what’s he doing?

[Evelyn points… “You and…” she focuses on Charlie. He waves. Bill nods. Evelyn faints backwards.]

Berta: There you go. See you tomorrow.

[She exits. Alan and Charlie run to the deck.]

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[Evelyn sits at the kitchen table, eyes wide, in disbelief. Charlie sits opposite her, head in his hands. Alan is between them.]

Alan: Okay, uh, we’ll make a list. The pros and cons of continuing your relationship with Bill. Mom?

Evelyn: Well, he certainly understands women.

Alan: Okay, that’s a pro.

Charlie: He used to be a woman.

Alan: I’ll put con. Uh, he slept with Charlie when he was a woman.

Charlie: Pro. No, wait, con. Definitely con.

Evelyn: He knows what I like in bed.
Charlie: He knows what I like in bed.

Alan: We’ll call that a wash.

Evelyn: What’s the score?

Alan: It’s about even.

Evelyn: [takes the paper] He’s gorgeous. He can afford beach-front property and he’s got a trunk full of fabulous shoes that fit me perfectly. Don’t wait up. Mommy’s got a date.