[Jake and Alan are sitting at the table, eating their breakfast. Berta is looking in the fridge.]
Jake: But I don’t wanna go to summer camp.
Alan: Are you kidding? You’ll have a great time, look at this one. It’s a computer camp, with a theatre program. Ethernet by day, ‘No, No, Nanette’ by night.
Jake: I don’t wanna go to camp.
Berta: If the kid doesn’t want to go, don’t make him go.
Jake: Yea.
Berta: He’s 10, he’s old enough to work.
Jake: What?
Berta: When I was your age, I spent my summer hosing tarantulas off bananas in the back of my stepfather’s truck.
[Charlie enters.]
Charlie: Hey, what’s going on?
Jake: I’m going to camp.
[Jake exits.]
Charlie: Okay. Morning all, beautiful day.
Alan: You’re in a good mood.
Charlie: Well, I suppose I am. I got a little email this morning from an ex-girlfriend who says she needs to [does hand quotes] “see” me.
Berta: No kidding. I wonder if she’s [does hand quotes] “knocked up”.
Charlie: Nobody’s knocked up. I haven’t heard from her in five years.
Berta: So, she’s bringing you a 4 year old.
Charlie: Believe me, nobody’s bringing anything. Remember Jill?
Berta: Jill the slob?
Charlie: Yea, but do you remember how hot she was?
Berta: Yea, well, sure, she was a tight unit, but she left dirty dishes everywhere. Swear to God, this broad left half eaten casseroles in the bathtub.
Charlie: So? With a body like that she could drink out of the toilet if she wanted to.
Berta: Wait a minute, isn’t she the one who dumped you?
Alan: Somebody dumped Charlie?
Berta: Broke his little black heart, it was pathetic.
Charlie: She didn’t dump me. She had personal problems and moved to Europe to, you know, find herself.
Alan: Berta?
Berta: He wept.
Charlie: I did not. I felt the appropriate amount of sadness for a good relationship that had run its course.
Berta: I had to carry him to bed three nights in a row.
Charlie: I was perfectly happy sleeping under the deck.
[Charlie exits and Berta shouts after him.]
Berta: You bring her home, you clean up after her. [To Alan] Thank God you never get any.
-----------------------------------------------------
[Charlie is sitting at a bar, drinking a beer. A man enters and spots Charlie. He takes a deep breath, checks his hair in a nearby mirror and approaches the bar. He sits next to Charlie.]
Man: Hey.
Charlie: Hey.
[The waitress behind the bar comes over.]
Waitress: What can I get for you?
Man: Uh, white wine, please. Maybe a Chablis. [Charlie looks at him.] You know, make it a beer. Light beer. Just a beer.
Waitress: [to Charlie] Another one?
Charlie: Might as well. Looks like I’m getting stood up. [to the man] Chicks, huh?
Man: Maybe she’s got a good reason.
Charlie: I tell you what, if it were any other woman, I’d have been out of here an hour ago.
Man: Really?
Charlie: Oh yea. This girl? This girl’s something different.
Man: How so?
Charlie: Well, did you ever go out with somebody who’s not only great in bed, but also like a really cool friend.
Man: Yea, once.
Charlie: In fact, now that I think about it, the friendship was the best part of our relationship.
Man: No kidding?
Charlie: Yea. The sex was a little weird. We would like, wrestle to get on top. She would actually get angry if she wasn’t up there.
Man: Maybe she had a good reason.
Charlie: Maybe.
Man: Charlie, look at me.
Charlie: [looks] Hey, how do you know my name?
Man: It’s me.
Charlie: Me who? [looks and realises] No.
Man: Yes.
Charlie: Jill?
Man: [correcting him] Bill.
Charlie: No.
--------------------------------------------------------
[With Charlie and Bill at the bar.]
Charlie: [to the waitress] We’re gonna need two shots of tequila.
Bill: That’s okay, I don’t want to…
Charlie: They’re not for you.
Waitress: Well, this girl you’re waiting for really must be something.
Charlie: Just serve the hooch and mind your own business.
Bill: Listen, Charlie, I know…
Charlie: Hang on. [downs both the shots one after the other.] Okay, go.
Bill: I know this comes as a shock to you.
Charlie: Please. If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me and disappeared for five years and came back as a guy, I’d have a nickel! [to the waitress] Keep them coming.
Bill: I think I owe you an explanation.
Charlie: Who pays the nickel, by the way? Is it you, or just out of some general fund?
Bill: [puts a hand on Charlie’s, on the bar] Charlie.
Charlie: [looks at the hand and pulls his own away] Yea?
Bill: Remember when we broke up and I said “It’s not you, it’s me”?
Charlie: [downs a shot] Yes. And I believe you now. [and another one]
Bill: I was so mixed up and unhappy as a woman.
Charlie: So? I know lots of mixed up, unhappy women. They go shopping and eat ice cream, did you even try that?
Bill: I tried everything, Charlie, but the truth is I was always a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Charlie: No, no, no, no, I’m not buying this. If you were really a man back then, you would have jumped at that three-way with the cocktail waitress in Carmel. I begged you.
Bill: You haven’t changed.
Charlie: I wish I could say the same.
Bill: Charlie, how could I have explained it to you back then? I couldn’t even explain it to myself.
Charlie: Okay, well, now you’ve explained. Thank you. Nice to see you again. [shakes Bill’s hand] Good luck with the penis. [gets up to go]
Bill: [stops him] Charlie, wait. A few minutes ago you said I was a really cool friend.
Charlie: Uh, yea.
Bill: Well, I’m back in LA and I’m kinda starting a new life.
Charlie: Uh-huh.
Bill: And I could really use a friend.
Charlie: Oh boy.
Bill: It’s just, you know, I’m completely alone and I’m… I’m really scared.
Charlie: Jeez. [puts a hand on his shoulder] It’s gonna be okay, Jill.
Bill: Bill.
Charlie: Yea, Bill, whatever. It’s okay. I’m still your friend.
Bill: Charlie, you’re the best. [hugs him] I wish I could have loved you the way you deserve to be loved.
----------------------------------------------------
[Charlie stumbles in the front door. Bill is following him.]
Charlie: Thanks for the ride, Bill, you’re a good friend.
Bill: Hey, you called me Bill.
Charlie: Well, that’s your name, lady.
Bill: Just like old times, huh? [leads Charlie to the stairs] Drag your drunk ass home, take you upstairs, get you undressed and…
[They look at each other, and walk back down the stairs, awkward. Alan enters from the bedrooms.]
Charlie: Oh, Alan. [to Bill] You never met my brother Alan, did you?
Bill: No, I never met anyone in your family, Charlie.
Charlie: Yea, well, different rules now. Bill, this is my brother Alan. Alan, this is my old friend, Bill.
Alan: Nice to meet you Bill. [they shake hands]
Bill: Same here.
Alan: [to Charlie] I thought you were gonna hook up with that girlfriend who wanted to “see” you.
[Bill takes off his jacket and throws it on the floor.]
Charlie: Oh, right, I… uh… turns out she changed her mind. Anyway, I ran into my old friend, Bill, here.
[Bill punches Charlie’s arm – as he thinks buddies should.]
Alan: So, stood up by Jill, ran into Bill. That’s funny.
Charlie: You have a sick sense of humour, Alan.
[Berta enters from the kitchen.]
Berta: The house is clean, I’m going home now. [spots Bill’s jacket on the floor.] I’ll pick that up on Monday.
Bill: I’m sorry, that’s mine. [picks it up]
[Berta stares at him.]
Bill: Hi.
Berta: Hi. [continues to stare, then snaps out of it] Okay, I’m out of here. [takes one last look at Bill, frowns and exits.]
Alan: So Bill, you from around here?
Bill: I was, but I moved away for a couple of years. Now I’m planning on moving back and buying a place.
[Evelyn enters from the kitchen.]
Evelyn: Hello. Evelyn Harper. Evelyn Harper Real Estate. [hands him a card]
Alan: Oh, yea, Mom’s here.
Charlie: No problem, I’m drunk.
Bill: I’m Bill Shraeder, I’m a friend of Charlie’s.
Evelyn: No need to apologise. So, are you interested in renting or buying?
Bill: Buying.
Evelyn: Excellent. Price range?
Bill: I’m flexible.
Evelyn: I’ll bet you are. But I was talking money.
Bill: So was I.
Evelyn: Oooh, sexy and liquid. I like that in a man.
[She takes his arm and they go into the kitchen.]
Alan: Nice guy. Poker buddy?
Charlie: Used to. And don’t call me “buddy”.
---------------------------------------------------------------
[Evelyn and Bill enter the front door, laughing.]
Bill: There it is. [He grabs his jacket and puts it on.] Thank you so much for showing me the condos, Evelyn.
Evelyn: Thank you for dinner, Bill.
Bill: Thank you for dessert.
[They kiss.]
Evelyn: Shall we go to my place for coffee and cigars?
Bill: I don’t smoke.
Evelyn: You will when I’m done with you.
[They exit, and Charlie and Alan emerge from the kitchen.]
Alan: Oh, my god. He’s like, half her age.
Charlie: Yea. That’s the problem.
----------------------------------------------------
[Alan is pacing around in the living room.]
Alan: I am trying, Charlie, I am trying to be open-minded. But our mom, with a guy who’s younger than us, it’s just freaking me out.
Charlie: Trust me, Alan, very soon you’re gonna be looking back on this moment with fond nostalgia. [hands him a photo in a frame.]
Alan: What do you mean?
Charlie: Look.
Alan: Who’s this?
Charlie: This is Jill.
Alan: Oh, the woman who dumped you?
Charlie: Get over that, nobody dumped me.
Alan: Alright, I’m sorry. Why are we looking at Jill?
Charlie: Just look at it.
Alan: Okay. [looks.] She’s cute. [looks] Very tall. Broad shoulders. Holy Mother of God!!
Charlie: Welcome to the Matrix!
Alan: So, so, so, Jill is, is…
Charlie: Yep.
Alan: And you and Jill used to…
Charlie: Every chance we got.
Alan: And mom is…
Charlie: At this very moment.
Alan: Holy Mother of God!
[Jake enters from his room.]
Jake: What are you guys yelling about?
Charlie/Alan: Go to bed. Go to bed. Go to bed.
[Jake shrugs and goes back to his room.]
Alan: Do you realise what this means?
Charlie: Yes. I slept with a woman who wanted to be a man. Or, I slept with a man in a woman’s body. Or, and this is my new favourite, and the title of my autobiography, my mom and I slept with the same dude.
Alan: Excuse me, could we just table that for now, and discuss how this impacts on our mother?
Charlie: Why? The damage has been done. All that’s left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.
Alan: Charlie, stay with me.
Charlie: Do you think I’m gay?
Alan: For God’s sake, Charlie, this is not about you.
Charlie: I like musical theatre. Maybe all these years, I’ve been pathologically chasing women because I’ve been overcompensating.
Alan: You know, I’ve often thought that. [Charlie looks at him] What? I’m agreeing with you. What do you want to hear?
Charlie: I want you to tell me that there is no chance that either of us will have to call a woman I slept with “Daddy.”
------------------------------------------------
[Berta crosses the living room with a basket of laundry. She picks up the photo frame.]
Berta: Jill, the slob.
[She puts the photo frame down and goes into the kitchen. Seconds later, she hurries back our again, grabs the photo frame and looks.]
Berta: Gadzooks.
[Alan enters, looking very sleepy.]
Alan: Morning.
Berta: [smiling] Morning.
[He goes to the kitchen. Charlie enters, looking very sleepy.]
Charlie: Morning.
Berta: [smiling] Morning.
[He goes to the kitchen, and Berta follows.]
Berta: So, how was your weekend?
Alan: Fine.
Charlie: Okay.
Berta: Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?
Charlie: Like what?
Berta: Oh, I don’t know. Go to a fun party? See a great movie? Run into an old flame with a new wick? What are the odds, huh? One brother turns them gay, the other turns them guy!
Charlie: If you don’t mind, Berta, I’d rather not talk about it.
Berta: Okay, I’ll fix you something to eat. How about a sausage link and a couple of eggs?
Evelyn: [calls from the other room] Hello? Anybody home?
Alan/Charlie: Oh no.
Evelyn: [enters] Charlie, I need to talk to you about your friend Bill.
Charlie: Oh boy.
Berta: [with glee] Oh boy.
Evelyn: You know, I’d really rather not discuss this in front of the help.
Charlie: Berta, could you give us some privacy?
Berta: Hell no.
Charlie: [to Evelyn] Sorry.
Evelyn: Okay. Um, Bill and I shared something very special this weekend. [Alan grimaces] I realise that might be awkward for you so I thought I’d come by to discuss it.
Charlie: Well, that’s nice, Mom. Isn’t that nice, Alan?
Alan: Uh, you’re the expert, Charlie. Is it too early to start drinking?
Evelyn: What’s that supposed to mean?
Charlie: Mom, how much do you know about Bill?
Evelyn: Charlie, I have no doubt that you two shared some sordid adventures together, but that’s the past. [Alan looks like he’s going to explode] The only thing that matters to me now is that Bill is a handsome, sensitive, wonderful man. [Berta laughs] Excuse me?
Berta: Nothing, I’m just happy to be here.
Charlie: Frankly, Mom, I’m a little uncomfortable with this.
Alan: A little? I think I’m having a stroke.
Evelyn: I knew it. You hypocrites. It’s perfectly alright for you to date younger women, but when a mature woman gets involved with a younger man, somehow it’s scandalous and immoral.
Charlie: No, no, Mom, it’s not the age.
Evelyn: Well, what then? Because he’s your friend? I didn’t object when you dated that friend of mine.
Alan: You what?
Charlie: One time. I was 19 and she was a very doable 42. And if you heard how she talked about you, you wouldn’t call her a friend.
Evelyn: I’ve heard enough. I’m going to continue to see Bill and if you don’t like it, that’s just too bad. [She gets up to leave.]
Alan: Wait, wait, Mom, I thought you came here so that we could discuss it.
Evelyn: Please. I came here to brag, I just needed an opening line.
Charlie: Wow. She doesn’t know.
Alan: Someone’s going to have to tell her.
Berta: Charlie?
Charlie: What?
Berta: I will clean your house free for a month if you let me do it.
-----------------------------------------------
[Charlie and Bill are at a bar. They are sitting at a table. Charlie drinks his beer.]
Bill: Oh, come on. It is a little funny. I mean, when we were dating, you never wanted me to meet your mom. [Charlie stares] Alright. Maybe not so much funny, as ironic?
Charlie: Look, Jill, Bill.
Bill: You’re angry with me.
Charlie: Not angry. Not thrilled.
Bill: Charlie, I never planned for this to happen. I mean, your mom and I just hit it off. She’s beautiful, intelligent, self-assured and she’s just exploding with this raw sexuality.
Charlie: No, no, listen, fella. I don’t know what they told you in orientation but Rule Number 1: when a guy talks like that about another guy’s mom, he’s likely to get his ass kicked.
Bill: Come on, Charlie, please. Don’t get all macho on me. You couldn’t take me when I was a girl.
Charlie: Don’t change the subject. We’re talking about you and my mother. Why haven’t you told her?
Bill: Told her what?
Charlie: That you’re lactose intolerant. What do you think?
Bill: Stop yelling at me.
Charlie: I’m not yelling at you.
Bill: Yes you are.
Charlie: Okay, I’m sorry. Look, you need to understand that no matter how much I hate my mother, I love my mother and I don’t want to see her get hurt. So, you got to tell her before she finds out the hard way. Or whatever way she finds out.
Bill: But what if she rejects me?
Charlie: Well, welcome to the rodeo, Calamity Jane. You want to be a real man? Grab hold of those store-bought balls and just tell the truth.
Bill: Yea, you’re right. [they drink their beers] We still friends?
Charlie: Yea. Sure. [they clink bottles.]
Bill: I’m glad. They’re made out of Teflon, you know.
Charlie: Okay. Rule Number 2…
------------------------------------------------
[Evelyn and Bill are out on Charlie’s deck, talking. Charlie and Alan watch from inside. Berta enters.]
Berta: What’d I miss?
Charlie: Nothing. I don’t think he’s told her yet.
Alan: What are you doing here? You finished cleaning hours ago.
Berta: I took a nap in the laundry room so I’d be fresh for the big show.
Charlie: Okay, I think he’s going for it.
[Evelyn listens, then looks up. Alan looks worried. Evelyn says “What?”. Berta smiles. Then Evelyn begins talking, but she looks more understanding than angry. They kiss. Charlie looks confused.]
Alan: Wow. That went surprisingly well?
Berta: Damn.
Charlie: Wait a minute, what’s he doing?
[Evelyn points… “You and…” she focuses on Charlie. He waves. Bill nods. Evelyn faints backwards.]
Berta: There you go. See you tomorrow.
[She exits. Alan and Charlie run to the deck.]
-------------------------------------------
[Evelyn sits at the kitchen table, eyes wide, in disbelief. Charlie sits opposite her, head in his hands. Alan is between them.]
Alan: Okay, uh, we’ll make a list. The pros and cons of continuing your relationship with Bill. Mom?
Evelyn: Well, he certainly understands women.
Alan: Okay, that’s a pro.
Charlie: He used to be a woman.
Alan: I’ll put con. Uh, he slept with Charlie when he was a woman.
Charlie: Pro. No, wait, con. Definitely con.
Evelyn: He knows what I like in bed.
Charlie: He knows what I like in bed.
Alan: We’ll call that a wash.
Evelyn: What’s the score?
Alan: It’s about even.
Evelyn: [takes the paper] He’s gorgeous. He can afford beach-front property and he’s got a trunk full of fabulous shoes that fit me perfectly. Don’t wait up. Mommy’s got a date.
