Épisode Petits écarts S01E19 - Two And A Half Men Saison 1

 

Guest star: Teri Hatcher

[Alan and Judith are sitting at the kitchen table, comparing schedules. Charlie enters from the deck.]

Judith: Okay, how about this? If you let me have Jake this Easter, you can have him the Fourth of July and Labour Day.

Alan: No, no. That doesn’t work for me at all. How about I give you all the Jewish holidays?

[Charlie gets a bottle from the fridge and turns to listen to their conversation.]

Judith: When did we become Jewish, Alan?

Alan: It’s still holidays.

[Charlie offers them a ‘cheers’ but in Jewish, then exits to the deck.]

Judith: Your brother’s a schmuck.

[Cut to Jake on the deck. He is laying on a lounger. Charlie hands him a juice box.]

Jake: What are they arguing about now?

Charlie: It’s actually kind of ironic. They’re arguing about who gets you on what days.

Jake: That is ironic.

Charlie: [frowns] You know what “ironic” means?

Jake: No, but I trust you.

Charlie: What’s ironic is while they’re arguing about who gets you, I get you. And you know what? It’s not such a big deal.

Jake: Ha Ha.

Charlie: No offence, but let’s face it, you’re 10. I can’t take you to Vegas, we can’t double date. And when was the last time you picked up a cheque, you mooch?

Jake: I’m almost 11.

[Cut back to Judith and Alan.]

Judith: Okay, I think we’ve got it. I get him Thanksgiving, you get him Halloween.

Alan: You get him Christmas Eve, I get him Christmas Day.

Judith: I get him Yum Kippur.

Alan: And I get Hanukkah.

[They shake hands. Charlie creeps back inside.]

Charlie: [whispers] Hey, guys, I just found out. Jake’s birthday is, like, in a week. Shouldn’t we make plans?

Alan: [to Judith] You’re right. He’s a schmuck.

Charlie: What?

Alan: We know when his birthday is, Charlie. We were there.

Judith: But only one of us got a needle shoved in their spine.

Alan: You begged for that. [to Charlie] Anyway, uh, you, me and Mom are taking Jake to a show at the Magic Castle.

Charlie: You invited Mom?

Alan: You want to tell her she can’t come to her only grandchild’s birthday? Cos believe me, I tried.

Charlie: Oh, man.

Alan: Look at the bright side. Maybe we can bribe one of the magicians to get her sawed in half.

Charlie: Or better still, thrown in a wood chipper.

Alan: Oh, and uh, Judith and her sister are going to join us as well.

Charlie: Which sister, the brunette or the blonde?

Alan: The brunette. Why?

Charlie: Just curious. I never slept with the blonde.

Judith: And you’re not going to sleep with the brunette again, either.

Charlie: Relax, that was 12 years ago.

Judith: Well, thank you.

Charlie: Let’s just wait until we get a look at her now.

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[Jake is unwrapping presents. Jake and Rose are sat on the sofa, watching.]

Rose: Happy Birthday.

Jake: A magic set? Awesome.

Evelyn: Oh, how lovely. Perhaps he’ll grow up to be a carny.

[Rose crosses her fingers, gleefully.]

Rose: It includes 14 different illusions that will amaze and astound your friends. But, of course, your friends may be smarter than mine.

Jake: Cool.

Rose: Have fun at the Magic Castle.

Jake: Aren’t you coming with us?

Rose: I wish I could, but I’ve got to go to some clown’s wedding. I’ll try and come back for cake, okay?

Jake: Thanks a lot, Rose.

Rose: You’re welcome. Bye, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Bye bye. Thank you so much. [Rose exits. To Jake.] Poor soul. I’m sure she meant well. [She takes the magic set and puts it under the table, pushing her present to Jake.] Now, open Grandmommy’s present.

Jake: [opens it to reveal a suit.] Clothes?

Evelyn: Happy Birthday.

Jake: Thanks a lot, but clothes?

Evelyn: Not clothes, darling. It’s Calvin Klein.

Jake: No, it’s clothes.

Evelyn: Believe me sweetheart, the girls are gonna love you in this.

Jake: What girls?

Evelyn: Alright, the other boys will be envious.

Jake: The other boys will beat me up.

Evelyn: Well, there’s just no pleasing you, is there?

[Cut to Charlie, in his room. Alan knocks at the door and enters.]

Alan: Almost ready? Judith and Liz will be here soon.

Charlie: Liz! Thank you. Boy, that would have been embarrassing.

Alan: Charlie, please don’t make a bad situation worse. Judith and Liz have been at each other’s throats for years.

Charlie: Why’s that?

Alan: I don’t know, maybe it’s because Liz was always more popular. Maybe because Judith was smarter. Maybe, and this is just a theory on my part, it had something to do with the fact that Liz did my brother in the coatroom at our wedding reception.

Charlie: Well, no secret why she was popular.

Alan: At our wedding reception, Charlie. In the coatroom. You were louder than the band.

Charlie: Hey, you make it sound so sleazy.

Alan: I’m sorry. Class it up for me.

Charlie: Okay, to begin with, we were on a mink coat.

Alan: Goodbye. [Exits quickly.]

Charlie: [out the door after him] And I was wearing a tuxedo.

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[Outside the front door. Liz and Judith are approaching.]

Judith: It’s an 11 year old’s birthday party. You could have at least put on a bra.

[Liz is wearing a very short, and plunging red dress. They are both carrying bags.]

Liz: Some of us don’t need bras.

Judith: [looking at her own chests] Some of us have had husbands and children.

Liz: Oh, I’ve had husbands.

Judith: [rings the doorbell] And please, would you behave yourself with Charlie?

Liz: What do you mean?

Judith: I mean, I don’t want a repeat of what happened in the coatroom at my wedding reception.

Liz: Oh. That was Charlie?

Alan: [opening the door] Hey, soul sisters. Come on in.

Judith: Hello Alan.

Liz: Alan, you look fantastic. I guess single life really agrees with you.

Alan: You know, I’m doing okay. Starting over, landed on my feet. Like a cat.

[Judith stares at him. Jake enters.]

Jake: Hey Mom.

Judith: Hi, sweetie, hi.

Jake: Hey Aunt Liz. [runs over to hug her.]

Liz: There’s my favourite nephew. Happy Birthday, sweetie. [hands him the bag]

Jake: It isn’t clothes, is it?

[Evelyn enters from the kitchen.]

Evelyn: Oh, this is a surprise.

Judith: Hello Evelyn.

Alan: It’s not a surprise. I told her. [Judith glares at him.]

Evelyn: You’re looking very well. Slimming down nicely.

Judith: Thanks. [indicates Alan] I recently dropped 160 pounds.

Alan: 152. I take Pilates.

[Liz looks at Alan, appreciatively. Charlie peeks round the corner at the top of the stairs, spots Liz and mouths “Wow.” He makes his entrance.]

Charlie: Hey, everybody.

Jake: [looking at a skateboard] Uncle Charlie, look what Aunt Liz got me.

Charlie: Awesome.

Judith: I don’t suppose you thought to get him a safety helmet.

Charlie: You ride with Aunt Liz, you take your chances. Right, Liz?

Liz: [looks Charlie up and down. To Judith] This guy? Are you sure?

[Charlie frowns.]

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[Everyone is packed in the car. Alan is driving, with Jake next to him. Judith and Liz are behind with Charlie between them. Evelyn is right at the back.]

Evelyn: Alan?

Alan: Yea, Mom?

Evelyn: Now that we’ve seen the dove disappear up the greasy man’s sleeve, how about we stop for a little drinkie-poo?

Alan: Mom, it’s still Jake’s birthday. We’re going home for cake.

Evelyn: Okay. But first, a drinkie-poo?

Judith: I think you had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way.

Liz: [laughs] That’s telling her, Evelyn.

Evelyn: Ah, now, see. This one gets me. Alan, you married the wrong sister.

Alan: Mom, why don’t you lie down back there, take a little nap?

Evelyn: Okey-dokey.

[She lies down and disappears from view.]

Charlie: [to Liz] How can you not remember the coatroom?

Liz: I remember the coatroom. I just don’t remember you.

Charlie: How can you not remember me?

Liz: [lowers her voice] Do you remember everyone you’ve had sex with?

Charlie: Of course not. But come on, we’re practically family.

Jake: Okay, Dad. See this ring? [holds up a ring from his magic set]

Alan: Uh-huh.

Jake: It’s made of one unbroken piece of stainless steel.

Alan: I can see that.
Jake: [holds up another one] And this one is just the same, I swear.

Alan: I believe you.

Jake: Now watch. One, two, three. [He bangs the rings together but they bounce off.] Hold on. One, two, three. [He does it again. They refuse to co-operate.] Hmm, ironic. Wait, don’t look. [Bends down to try and figure it out.]

Liz: [flirtatious] Alan, how are those magic fingers of yours?

Alan: Uh, I’m sorry?

Liz: I just have this kink in my back and I was hoping you could give me one of your fantastic adjustments when we get home. [Judith and Charlie both glare at Liz.]

Alan: Uh, sure, I suppose.

Liz: Thank you. I can’t wait.

Charlie: Wait a minute, his magic fingers you remember?

Jake: [holds up the rings, now they are joined] Ta da.

[Alan smiles and nods.]

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[Alan and Charlie are sat on the sofa, drinking beers.]

Alan: This is really weird.

Charlie: Yeah. How could she not remember me?

Alan: What are you talking about?

Charlie: What are you talking about?

Alan: Judith’s sister’s hitting on me.

Charlie: She’s not hitting on you. She’s hitting on her sister’s ex-husband.

Alan: But that’s me.

Charlie: Stop taking it personally. You said it yourself. They’ve been going at each other for years. And let’s examine the current situation. Nothing Liz does with me is gonna make Judith any madder. I’ve already flown my mission. The only play she has left is to sleep with you.

Alan: Well, that’s not gonna happen.

Charlie: Well, certainly not with that attitude. [Alan looks away.] Now, come on, you can’t say you’ve never thought about it.

Alan: Liz? No.

Charlie: Alan. Look me in the eye.

Alan: Okay, I’m looking. [He looks at Charlie.]

Charlie: Tell me you’ve never thought about being with Liz.

Alan: You know, you have very curly eyelashes.

Charlie: Answer the question.

Alan: Oh, come on, Charlie. That’s my ex-wife’s sister.

Charlie: Exactly. Sisters are like the Holy Grail of recreational sex. Well, technically it would be twins, but that’s such a biological oddity, it’s hardly worth pursuing.

[Jake runs in from the kitchen.]

Jake: Dad, pick a card. [Holds out a fan of cards.]

Alan: Okay. [takes one and looks at it, then holds it to his chest.]

Jake: Seven of diamonds?

Alan: No.

Jake: [looks at the pack he’s holding] Eight of spades?

Alan: No.

Jake: Ace of clubs?

Alan: No.

Jake: [sighs] Is it black or red?

[Cut to the kitchen. Evelyn is asleep on the sofa. Judith and Liz are sorting out the cake. Judith is putting on the candles. Liz pinches a bit of icing.]

Judith: We’ll just have the cake, and then we’ll go.

Liz: You can go if you want. I’ll have Alan drive me home after he adjusts me.

Judith: Why are you doing this?

Liz: Doing what?

Judith: Alan.

Liz: You want him back, don’t you?

Judith: No, I don’t want him back.

Liz: Then why do you care what I do with him?

Judith: Look, if you’re determined to do something stupid today, I’d actually prefer you do Charlie.

Liz: So would Charlie, but we can’t always get what we want.

[Alan enters. Judith, in her anger, starts putting all the candles on the cake quickly.]

Alan: Wow, that’s, er, that’s a lot of candles. He’s still 11, right?

Judith: You want to deal with the candles, Alan? Is that what you want?

Alan: No, I’m fine.

Liz: So, Alan, when do you think you’ll be ready for me?

Alan: Oh, uh, maybe after the cake.

Liz: Okay.

Alan: Okay.

Liz: You just say the word and we’ll do it.

[She exits to the living room.]

Judith: In high school, the word was hello.

Alan: Hm?

Judith: Oh, don’t pretend you don’t know what she’s doing.

Alan: Oh, her back hurts, Judith. She just wants an adjustment.

Judith: She doesn’t want an adjustment. And why do you think her back hurts in the first place?

Alan: So, she does need an adjustment.

Judith: Alan, I forbid you to have anything to do with my sister.

Alan: Oh really? You forbid me? Well, I’ve got news for you, we’re not married anymore. You don’t get to forbid me.

Judith: I’m warning you.

Alan: Oh, what, warning now? What happened to forbidding?

Judith: Just listen to me. If you so much as lay one magic little finger on Liz, you and I are going to have a very big problem.

Alan: What are you gonna do, Judith? Divorce me? Marry me again and then divorce me?

[Jake runs into the kitchen.]

Jake: You want to see a trick?

Alan: [normal] Oh, sure.

Judith: Yea, sure, honey.

Jake: [opens the instructions from his magic set and reads] Good evening, Sir or Madame. Have we ever met before?

[Cut to the living room. Liz and Charlie are sat on the sofa, apart. It is awkward.]

Charlie: So, Liz. The wedding reception, the coatroom. Did I ever say thank you?

Liz: I don’t really remember, Charlie.

Charlie: Well, let me just say, long overdue then, thank you.

Liz: Okay.

Charlie: And not just for the one time. Over the years, I’ve actually used the mental picture of that night as lighter fluid when I’m… you know, barbecuing alone. [Liz’s gapes at him in horror.] Come on, that’s a compliment.

[Cut to the kitchen. Jake is kneeling at the coffee table in front of a sleeping Evelyn. He is trying to do the cup and ball trick.]

Jake: Hey, Grandma.

Evelyn: [jumps awake] What?

Jake: Now, Madame, keep your eye on the magic ball. Watch closely. [He puts the cup over the ball] No, wait. [Takes the ball out] Okay, now I’ll take the magic ball from my left hand and put it into my right. [does so] See? Now, I’ll throw the magic ball back into the cup. [Does a throwing motion] Do you think it’s under the cup?

Evelyn: [looks bored, then blinks] Do I think what’s under the cup?

Jake: The magic ball.

Evelyn: [claps] Very good, dear.

[All the adults come over to Jake, carrying the birthday cake and singing Happy Birthday.]

Evelyn: [stares at the amount of candles] Good lord, how long have I been asleep?

Alan: Make a wish, buddy.

[Jake blows the candles out in two breaths and everyone claps. Evelyn lies back down on the sofa.]

Liz: [to Alan] I’ve already made my wish.

Judith: Don’t you dare.

Alan: Oh, now we’re daring? Warning, forbidding and daring?

Judith: [to Liz] I want to talk to you.

[She grabs her arm and leads her to the other side of the room.]

Alan: [to Charlie] Are you hearing this?

Charlie: I’m trying.

[Cut to Judith and Liz.]

Liz: What is your problem?

Judith: You are my problem.

[Cut to Jake.]

Jake: Why are they fighting?

Alan: [picks up a knife for the cake] They’re not fighting. They’re discussing.

Jake: I’m a child of divorce, Dad. I know the difference.

Judith: [voice carries over] You’re a selfish, hateful person.

Alan: [to Jake] Maybe you should go to your room.

Jake: It’s my birthday.

Charlie: Ironic, huh?

[Rose enters, dressed as a clown.]

Rose: Hi everybody. Sorry I’m late.

Charlie: Actually, you’re right on time. Here’s 50 bucks. Take Jake to the arcade and don’t come back till you’re out of quarters.

Rose: Okay. Come on Jake.

Jake: Cool, so how was the wedding? [Gets up and follows Rose]

Rose: Ugh, it was a circus. [They exit]

Judith: [waves] Bye honey. Have fun. [Turns to Liz] You were always a cheap slut and you haven’t changed.

Liz: Oh, I was the slut? Miss Technically-I’m-Still-A-Virgin?

Alan: Girls, girls, that’s no way to talk.

[Judith turns and glares at Alan. Charlie pulls Alan a step back and they both look scared. Judith turns back to Liz.]

Judith: Ever since we were kids, anytime I loved something, you had to take it away from me. But you will not take away my ex-husband.

Alan: You love me?

Judith: What? No. I’m trying to make a point here.

Liz: Judith, if I wanted Alan, I could have had him a long time ago.

Judith: What the hell does that mean?

Liz: [to Alan] You never told her?

Judith: Told me what?

Alan: Oh, well, I mean, it’s no big deal. Really. Uh, it’s just that… uh, before I asked you out, uh, I asked Liz out.

Charlie: You lied to me?

Liz: If I’d said yes, you never would have dated him.

Judith: So, I was your second choice?

Alan: No. No. No. Um, chronologically, yes. But in my heart, you were always first.

Liz: But in reality, you were second.

Judith: [to Alan] And you never told me this?

Alan: Well, you can kind of see why.

Charlie: You know, this wouldn’t have happened if you were twins.

Judith: Okay, fine. You always wanted Liz? Go ahead, here’s your chance. Give her your little adjustment. [She pushes Alan towards Liz.] Maybe while you’re having a good time with my sister, I’ll have a good time with your brother. [She puts her arm around Charlie.]

Charlie: [surprised] Beg pardon?

Judith: Don’t be coy with me, Charlie. You know we’ve always had sexual tension between us.

Charlie: Really? I thought it was just regular tension.

Judith: Oh, come on, I’ve seen you looking at my chest.

Alan: You looked at my wife’s chest?

Charlie: Hey, I’m a guy.

Judith: I will rock his world, Alan, I swear.

Alan: You’re bluffing.

Judith: Am I? Watch me. Come on, Charlie.

[Judith starts to lead Charlie away. Charlie looks worriedly at his brother.]

Charlie: Alan?

Alan: She’s bluffing Charlie.

Charlie: Are you sure?

Alan: Trust me. She hates you.

Charlie: Trust me, that doesn’t always stop them.

[They go up the stairs.]

Liz: Come on, Alan, I’ll show you where it hurts. [Leads him out of the kitchen.]

Alan: Um, uh, clear something up for me. Chiropractic adjustment, that’s just a euphemism, right?

Liz: Right.

Alan: So, we’re really gonna do this?

Liz: Uh-huh.

Alan: Wow, I thought we were bluffing.

[They go into the bedroom. The camera stays on the shot of the bedroom and the stairs for a minute or so. Then, Charlie and Judith, Liz and Alan all come out of their rooms.]

Charlie: Okay, so we were bluffing.

Alan: Us too.

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[Alan is sitting between Judith and Liz on the sofa. Charlie is at the piano playing circus music. Rose, still dressed as the clown, and Jake, dressed in the suit Evelyn gave him, are performing. Alan, Judith and Liz all clap happily, but then look at each other in annoyance. Rose passes Jake a floppy piece of rope, and Jake passes his hand along it to make it straight. Alan claps and the girls realise they have to clap again. Charlie, at the piano, smiles. Alan finds himself looking at Liz’s legs, until he sees Judith glaring at him. Jake holds a piece of silk in front of Rose and slowly lifts it. Rose is obviously standing on one leg, so it looks as though her leg as disappeared. They do it again with the other leg, then again with no legs at all – Rose is kneeling on the coffee table. The three clap and Charlie nods as though this is really good. Evelyn enters from the kitchen, looking the worse for wear. She sees Rose and does a double take.]

Evelyn: My god, that clown has no legs.

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[Charlie and Jake are sat on the sofa in the kitchen. Charlie is holding a coin.]

Charlie: Okay, you see the coin?

Jake: You’re supposed to say “Have we ever met before?”

Charlie: Just watch the trick, okay? We’ll work on the patter later. You see the coin? [Jake nods.] Now, I grab it with this hand. [does so] and I blow. [blows on his hand] and it’s gone. [Opens his hand to reveal no coin.] Where do you think it is?

Jake: [leans forward and takes a coin from Charlie’s ear] It’s right here.

[Charlie opens his hand where he thought the coin should be, and it’s gone. He looks at it in shock.]

Charlie: How the hell did you do that?

Jake: Ironic, huh?

 

 

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